6 months out. Stbx-uNPDh played nice and/or the victim the first 5 months of separation, but the mask has started slipping. So, I finally got brave enough to say I want a divorce. I'm feeling relief mixed with panic, as has been my journey since leaving.
I notice my anxiety ramps up each time something changes -- small victories but stressful nonetheless. Such stress-inducing milestones the past 6 months have included:
1. The roadtrip when I left stbx.
2. Telling him I wasn't coming back.
3. Moving into my new home.
4. Quitting my previous job.
5. Starting my new job.
6. And now, finally saying 'divorce'.
One moment I'm telling myself "You go girl!!" Then the panic sets in with "What am I doing?? What have I done??" I realize this is the trauma bond talking, but I wish I could truly just enjoy these accomplishments without wanting to vomit the next few days after. It's like I'm still hearing stbx in my head, questioning my intelligence or motives, dampening my parade, squelching my enthusiasm. I continue remembering to breathe while talking myself down.
The good news is: I've made it 6 months! My stomach should settle back down soon, until time to sign the divorce papers...
You're doing great! The things you've accomplished are positive but nevertheless scary. It's normal to feel anxious and stressed after doing things that scare you.
Thanks Poison Ivy for your support! I agree even good change can be scary. It is normal for me to get anxious when moving, or starting a new job. But this time around, it's heightened by these being part of my exit plan checklist. As I've successfully checked each item off that list, it's one step closer to freedom, but also one step further from going back to the 'devil I know". After 2-1/2 decades, the past 6 months have been this weird whirlwind of change, but with some nice peaceful moments at least.
Quote from: Poison Ivy on August 25, 2023, 05:41:16 PMYou're doing great! The things you've accomplished are positive but nevertheless scary. It's normal to feel anxious and stressed after doing things that scare you.
:yeahthat: +1
SoT