Out of the FOG

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?  Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
by Karyl McBride
Free Press
2008
ISBN-13:  978-1-4165-5132-4
ISBN:10:  1-4165-5132-8

I liked this book a lot.  It is a good start - very easy to read and short.  It doesn't have a lot of details, but the author is a therapist, so I think the purpose of the small amount of information may be for people to get further help.  The book does go a little bit into some of the more abusive Nmoms, but its also has a lot of validation for those of us whose Nmoms were more covert.  The only drawback I found is that it emphasizes some of the "show moms" who are mainly interested in appearance.  My mother's vanity was a bit different.

I really like the way the author framed her 3 step recovery model.  She emphasizes how a lot of people have trouble with the middle step and skip too fast into the last step.  Step 1 = learning, diagnosing, understanding.  Step 2 = processing feelings, grieving, reprogramming negative messages.  (Step 2 requires dealing with a lot of traumatic events from the past.)  Step 3 = reframing, viewing differently, changing.

This model has really helped me view my own efforts in a way I can understand, and gives me some hope.

I just noticed I could have wrote this a little better when I wrote "more abusive Nmoms."  I was referring to those Nmoms whose physical abuse and/or neglect was so overt that others noticed.  I didn't mean to compare different forms of abuse, or imply that the book makes a comparison. 

This was one of the first books on NPD which I read.  I don't have a lot to compare it to (have only read one other book on NPD), but I would definitely recommend it, even as a start.

The author describes the different types of narcissistic mothers and the different effects it has on daughters.  I saw a lot of myself and my mother in the descriptions and it really helped me understand why I do the things I do.  Most of all, I finally saw, in black and white, that such behaviour exists- the descriptions of the engulfing, secretly mean mother describes my mother perfectly and I finally knew for sure that I wasn't just imagining things.

I think that her suggestions on healing really points one in the right direction. 

Ok this was my lightbulb moment.  I googled "I hate my toxic mother" out of the Fear , Obligation, Guilt of an upcomming trip to "visit" me after my beloved dog had just died and I was grieving and just couldn't deal with her horse and pony show.  I stumbled upon a blog that mentioned this book and Dr. Mc Bride's website.  I finally had a name for all the b.s. I have dealt with!  I finally saw the patterns in choosing the exact same type of abusive men to escape from her.  I bought the book and the worshop so I could begin my recovery over a long holiday weekend while the book was coming.  The book was better but this is an awsome eye opening first step!

This is one of my favorite books, even though I'm stuck in Step 2.  I just haven't been able to force myself to process through everything yet, but I'm hoping to do so this summer.

Karyl McBride has really written a gem here - you can tell she has lots of experience in the subject.

Quote from: HealingMeFL on June 25, 2015, 07:59:13 AM
Karyl McBride has really written a gem here - you can tell she has lots of experience in the subject.

Yes, I am only on chapter 3, but wanted to chime in that the Therapist/Author has first hand experience with her own NM...and she was brave enough to write this book...so that's reassuring!

~Jade

This book was very healing for me. I kept the book and occasionally refer back to reread.

This book was my second book i ever read at the start of my healing journey, it concreted my whole life on how i had been feeling. BOY!!!! what a journey of discovery, so wish i had a normal family. x

I know this is an old thread but I want to chime in and say of all the books I've read on npdparents, this was by far the best.

It was the first one I picked up when I knew something was seriously wrong but didn't know what. I remember I felt so guilty for even reading it, and I hid it under my bed. It was like opening a window that had been boarded up my entire life. I recognized my mother in every chapter. It gave me a good handle on what the truth was, what was going on, and how to start making some healthy changes. I finally felt like it wasn't my fault.

This book is amazing. It clearly outlines in part 2 the crucial step of feeling the feelings we have stuffed inside and how to grieve fully. Part 3 covers the healing journey step by step including how we know if we have fully cleared crucial milestones. The 5 parts of healing work in part 3 are grieving, separating, creating an authentic self, relationships, ridding ourselves of traits or what we commonly call here fleas.

The book outlines the following for determining if contact as possible after determining if someone is "Untreatable" or "Toxic" and if contact is even desired.
These are my cliff notes:

Take a temporary separation - time out with emergency contact only. Take as long as you need to fully recover and heal before deciding level of contact.

The Civil Connection after recovery complete looks like:
- Lower contact
- Zero expectations for emotional connection
- Accept they are incapable
- Fully separate
- Strong boundaries

Boundaries
- Clearly stating what will and will not do
- Where you stand
- Draw line not allowed to cross
- Set limits
- How others feel doesn't matter
- You are already emotionally abandoned - nothing to lose

Real Work Within
Contact only possible if own recovery is at:
- Less reactive to projections
- Can set clear boundaries
- Less able to be triggered
- Accepted limitations
- Zero expectations

I loved this book. To me, it's best feature was that McBride was able to continue a relationship with her NM, on her own terms. I've often used her concept of an Internal Mother, too.

I agree with Seichan, the Internal Mother is a very intuitive way of coping. I think about and comfort the child I used to be, that deserved much better, and it's helped me through a lot of day-to-day stingers.
I found this text a really helpful supplement to Understanding the Borderline Mother, as there's a fair amount of crossover in behavior/cognition, mainly "splitting" and unstable self-image. It also landed in my lap when I was going through an intense period of grief, and while reading, I was able to give myself permission to process the feelings I was having, instead of burying them and getting by on "functioning." Highly recommend!

This was one of the first books I read over a year ago when I started to realize what has happened throughout my life. I was able to understand the dynamic in the relationship I had with my mother. My mother has all nine traits described and all made sense to me. It was a relief and a burden at the same time because I finally understood what I've been through but simultaneously it made me angry. Angry to realize all the emotional abuse I have endured and the parentification. How unfair it all was. But this book helped me validate how I felt and helped me to try to find out more about NPD and what I could do to deal with this situation and try to start the healing process. Would definitely recommend this book.