Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Non-PD Dad's Forum => Topic started by: 5URV1V0R on July 13, 2015, 02:47:46 PM

Title: Custody Battle
Post by: 5URV1V0R on July 13, 2015, 02:47:46 PM
I'm currently embroiled in a custody battle with my uNPD ex-wife. At the time we separated, I didn't insist on anything in writing, I just offered to pay all the bills and look after the kids evenings and weekends until she got on her feet, my understanding being that we shared custody of the boys. Instead, she tried to make this arrangement the new status quo, insisting that I don't spend enough time with the kids to justify shared parenting and taking me to court to force me to pay more child and spousal support than I can afford. This has been a total shock and I'm devastated. I can't bear to contemplate a life without my kids and without any financial security until they graduate. My girlfriend is certain she won;t get sole custody and so are most people around me, but I'm so afraid. I love my kids more than anything in the world and I've already sacrificed so much for them. I can't give them up too. 
Title: Re: Custody Battle
Post by: Dufresne on July 13, 2015, 03:04:44 PM
For the short term, I would hire an attorney if you have the means, and haven't done so already - one who has experience in high-conflict divorce. Depending on the jurisdiction you live in, the family court system can be an unforgiving meat grinder for men who are primary, or sole breadwinners. I would also communicate with her only via email or text, and only about what is necessary. If you have phone or in-person communication, figure out a way to record it. Before you do that, make sure you're not breaking the law in your state in terms of being the only party aware that a conversation is being recorded. This way, if she becomes abusive, threatening, or employs other uniquely charming PD behaviors, you have a record that can be made part of the record in the court proceedings. Good luck and keep us posted.
Title: Re: Custody Battle
Post by: 5URV1V0R on July 13, 2015, 03:37:29 PM
Thanks Dufresne, yes I've done those things. She rarely calls on the phone, but she recently banged on my car window and stood in front of the car with the kids present, demanding to speak to me. My girlfriend saw it. I've asked repeatedly for no face-to-face contact, but she rarely respects it. 
Title: Re: Custody Battle
Post by: Mare Kaio on August 02, 2015, 06:48:28 PM
Hello 5URV1V0R,

That must have been terrifying, both for your girlfriend and you, and for the children. I hope you've been able to document her behavior; that will help you in court. How is it going now? Do keep us posted if you have the time. We're here for you.

Title: Re: Custody Battle
Post by: JohnnyBoy on August 23, 2015, 10:02:51 PM
I'm in that same situation with my ex unPD g/f her dad and stepmom have temp emergency custody of the kids right now, because she had what I guess you would call a severe mental breakdown over the summer, but she made it abundantly clear to me ever since my oldest was a baby that I have zero rights and zero custody of those children, the hospital where my son was born worked with her to keep me off of his bc. She threatened that if I ever went to court I would not win , in fact would be laughed out of court, and she would then run with the kids. Whats crazy, is that the entire time we have been together I swear she could get out of anything. She was hospitalized twice in a month, self harmed in front of the kids, drank and did drugs in front of the kids and good knows what else. They babied her at the courthouse because she turned on the crocodile tears. Two days later she ended up in the hospital her second time for failure to show up for a "suicide check" at her docters office, that was last week. Her dad is letting her have the kids for a week this week. I have to show up in court in a week and a half. Her dad and stepmom are taking me out for child support. I would have the kids with me but my livings arrangements are unacceptable at present.
Title: Re: Custody Battle
Post by: Stepping lightly on August 24, 2015, 03:52:13 PM
Hi Johnny- so she refuses to acknowledge you are the father by taking you off the bc and give you any rights to your children, but her parents think you should be paying child support?  Not sure they can have it both ways. 
Title: Re: Custody Battle
Post by: JohnnyBoy on August 24, 2015, 08:15:19 PM
She didn't take me off, she and the hospital never let me on.......*sighs its a 3 fold situation, 1 part my selfishness I suppose, 1 part her being irrational, 1 part the hospital being very anti-father. I'll explain. The whole time she was pregnant, she refused to let me be on the bc or let him have my name, on the basis that for me to go on the bc there would have to be a dna test, and she adamantly and visously refused a bc stating that a woman should never have to "prove" herself. We had "broken up" when my son was born (I obviously ran back later), I had traveled 8 hrs from my state to hers to see my son born, once I got there after promising I could stay, she threw me out of the delivery room, (I don't know what was worse the act, or her then stepdad snickering at me). When I went in to see my son I asked the nurse if I could hold him, she said you'll have to ask his mother, I replied "oh I'm his father" she told me "that doesn't mean shit to me you have to ask the mother before you can touch him". I walked out crying , I crashed on her dads couch, the next day 1 nurse came in, handed pamphlets and, my ex and her mother made it a point to rub it in my face where the pamphlet says the mother has sole custody of the child, and the issue of child support. Her sis made sure to let me know I'd go to jail if I didn't pay. Anyway, 1st nurse comes in, were fillin out the bc form, my ex tells her I want the father on the bc but I don't want my son to have his name. The nurse replies, "By law, the father goes on the baby gets his name automatically. My ex says "Well then I don't want him on there" the nurse explains child support and everything, my ex says let me think about it. Awhile later after I've begged and pleaded nurse no.2 comes in, again my says father on but baby gets her name, the nurse winks at her and says "I think we can arrange that". I'm hurt and blown away, yet again my ex gets catered to. I fill the bc form out, the nurse comes in and says that it will be 4 hours until I guess the notary can come in, I cant wait that long, No 1 I want to get the hell out of there, No 2 I had a bus I had to catch to come back up here, I thought an hour from then ( the ticket was waiting for me at the terminal, and I had never riden greyhound before). I told the nurse I couldn't stay and why, she snapped at me, "They've gotta eat", I asked if they could mail it to me and let me sign it, she laughed and said no. I asked what do I do, I cant stay that long, She marked all my info out on the bc and said "well I guess you wont be on the bc" a little foot note on that day, as I kissed my son my ex's then stepdad reared up to punch and the nurse called me an asshole as I was leaving. Well we got back together 4 months later, but 8 yrs later she will go back and forth one minute "oh we gotta get you on the bc and give that boy your name" to "he will never have your name and you will never go on his bc" went to court over it twice, was told once it was her decision, the second supposedly transfer to my state. But yes she still expects child support for him. Granted she may not have to change his name, but I'm think I will have to go on the bc. Sorry if I hijacked the thread, as that was not my intention.