Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members => Topic started by: movingforward2 on August 09, 2015, 06:29:43 PM

Title: I think my sister might have a pd....
Post by: movingforward2 on August 09, 2015, 06:29:43 PM
My sister isn't a bad person, but I seriously question her mental stability at this point.  She calls my mother names all the time and also says my mom is lazy and doesn't clean the house.  My mom still works 32 hours a week and is in her 60's and has some health issues.  (My sister still lives with her and she's 27 years old).

Tomorrow, my H and I are taking our DD's to the beach for their birthday present (they have summer birthdays).  I asked my sister 2 months ago if she could watch my two dogs and she agreed.  About 5 weeks ago she had foot surgery.  At first she said she couldn't watch my dogs...then she said she could.  So, I went on and booked the hotel room, asking her before I did it and telling her the dates.

All was fine...we talked about it on the phone earlier this week.  Yesterday she wanted to take my DD's to a birthday party of her friends nephew.  Her and my mom decided to keep my DD's for a sleepover last night.  Today, my DD10 sassed her  after they went out to eat and my sister ended up cussing.  My mom had enough and took my sister back home and made her get out of the car.  Then my sister texted me saying that she was no longer going to watch my dogs and that my mom could do it  :stars:  We are leaving tomorrow!!!!!

My sister claimed it wasn't a big deal...she never wanted to watch them anyway, that we don't pay her, that she's too busy with work and her own dogs, etc. etc.  Thing is, she actually told me a few weeks ago she was looking forward to it to get away from my mom  :stars: If she wanted $$$ I would have paid her.  She did the same thing to us when she agreed to watch our DD's so we could go on a 10 year anniversary honeymoon...about a week before the trip she said she wasn't going to watch our DD's. 

Moving forward, I don't plan on asking her to watch my dogs ever again...I'll board them or pay my neighbor, but it's frustrating because she then proceeded to gaslight me...claiming I never told her when (I gave her the dates like 5 times) and that I didn't tell her times, when I did a few weeks ago.  My mom was baffled as well and she's going to end up taking care of them for me because it's so last minute.  My mom also said it's not about money...that my sister is just angry and taking it out on me this way.

Does this sound like a pd thing?  My sister claimed that she was finally standing up for herself and not allowing DD10 to treat her like that anymore.  The thing is, she pushes my DD10, argues with her, etc.  My sister claims that I run her down to DD10 and I don't do that at all.  I always tell DD10 to respect her.  Thing is, DD10 sees my sister as immature, because of my sister's actions and I think she has trouble respecting her.  Just yesterday, my sister called me a B*%** on the phone because I didn't hear what she said.   :stars:  DD10 was right there because she brought me my phone and her eyes bulged out.  She was shocked. 

I just don't know what to do.  We are already NC with my NMIL.  I don't want to go NC with my sister but I just can't deal with this anymore.

Title: Re: I think my sister might have a pd....
Post by: arianna on August 09, 2015, 07:22:43 PM
If she's only 27 she might respond to boundaries. I feel like there's room for growth.  I wasn't easy to be with at that age but now 20 year later I'm ... Well I'm single but never mind that. I would try to help her be a better person first just so you don't feel bad about writing her off if that's what happens. Or maybe you can cut ties for a limited time and see if she grows up on her own over a few years.
Title: Re: I think my sister might have a pd....
Post by: movingforward2 on August 09, 2015, 07:35:04 PM
Thanks Arianna...even though she's 27, she's like dealing with a 12 year old (my brother says this all the time).

I told her today that until she get's counseling, I can't have a r/s with her.  Her response was that I need to set it up and pay for it for her because she doesn't have time  ::)  She works maybe 36 hours a week and has no kids, no boyfriend and no other responsibilities. 

What bothers me most is that she can't see that what she did was wrong.  She said she didn't want to watch my dogs anyway and that I should have known that when she said she guessed she'd watch them instead of saying yes, I'll watch them.  I'm not a mind reader.  It's been building up for awhile.  A month ago it was over a movie she took my DD10 to...last week she wanted to take my DD's to a birthday party for her friends nephew.  I said I wanted to go with her because I don't know them and she flipped out...so in the end, I just let her take them alone to not hurt my sister's feelings.  I met the friend once and she seemed nice, but my H was a little concerned about it. 

I just feel like it's been rough the past year with her and I can't do it anymore.  I have a T appointment with our marriage counselor on Thursday so I think we'll talk about it with her.  I do think you are right that there might be room for growth.  I've been waiting for that for a few years now  ;)
Title: Re: I think my sister might have a pd....
Post by: weeblewobbled on August 11, 2015, 06:33:26 PM
Yes, it sounds like a PD thing, creating a situation in which she can manufacture the most chaos/not live up to expectations, particularly if it's a pattern of behavior with her.

Also PD things:

-Having adult conflicts with minor children. If your sister sees herself as a "Child" of the family, then she sees your DD as a peer and competition for attention/resources. So she treats that child as a peer in arguments, having unrealistic expectations of the child and treating her with adult-level harshness. 

-Dropping out of responsibilities and justifying her behavior because of "insults" completely unconnected to those responsibilities.

-Expecting you to know "what she meant" when she said something different.

-Creating this chaos while declaring that she's "standing up for herself" justifying her actions and deflecting the blame. My BPD SIL would frequently defend her offensive actions by stating that she was "FINALLY standing up for herself" when in actuality, she had been violating our boundaries for years without consequences.

You've said you've learned not to trust your sister with dog sitting, but please stop letting your sister take the girls on outings to avoid hurting her feelings. Any outings. Even if you're there. She's lost the right to outings with the girls for a while.

If you expect DH to shield the DDs from your MIL's damaging behaviors, you have to do the same and shield them from your sister's damaging behavior. Not only for your DD's protection, but to maintain your integrity with DH. He sees you railing against MIL's behavior and then letting your sister get away with this behavior, he's going to ask why the double standard exists. MIL's behavior, I admit, is more egregious, but severity has very little meaning to people who grew up with PD parents. Behavior is either good or bad, no grey area.
Title: Re: I think my sister might have a pd....
Post by: HotCocoa on August 11, 2015, 09:28:00 PM
Does this sound like a pd thing?  My sister claimed that she was finally standing up for herself and not allowing DD10 to treat her like that anymore. 

Well, I can't diagnose your sister, however, your sister is the adult in this situation and stating that she won't allow a 10 year old to "treat her like that" sounds horribly entitled, ridiculous and immature.  Who is the adult here?  Sounds like your daughter is more mature than your sister. 

I hope your trip goes well and you don't give your sister another thought!  Your mom might want to think about making sister live her own life, but that's on her. 

Also, everything weeble said,  :yeahthat:
Title: Re: I think my sister might have a pd....
Post by: movingforward2 on August 12, 2015, 08:05:37 PM
weeble...H and I had a long talk and for awhile, there won't be any outings with my DD's.  I don't think my sister will ask anyhow as school starts up for her soon and she gets super overwhelmed with it.  DD4's birthday is coming up and I'm not sure what to do about that.  One year (might have been last year) my sister threatened not to come because she was mad about something...I can't remember what.  This year, thankfully, we are not doing a party, just having cake or something.  I still don't know if I'm going to invite her.  It runs into murky waters because she lives with my mom and if I invite my mom and leave her out, it could create drama. 

Hotcocoa...often times my DD10 can be more mature than her.  My mom and sister have a rather messy house and my DD10 sometimes will complain about the mess and my sister therefore claims that I say things about my mom and sister's house to DD10.  Nope.  Not at all.  My DD is now 10 and the mess bothers her.  My mom has 5 birds in one room.  They often have stuff cluttered all over their table so they don't eat there.  My sister's room is so messy she uses her bed to store stuff and sleeps on a recliner chair.  To DD10, these things are odd.  I'm not a neat freak or anything, but we do try to keep our house orderly.  I don't judge my mom and sister...they choose to live differently than I do.  I grew up like that and choose not to live like that anymore and my DD10 doesn't see her friends houses looking like that or our house.  I've told DD10 to be respectful and not say anything, but even simple comments can get my sister going. 

I actually ended up blocking my sister's number while we were on vacation and just unblocked her.  She kept texting me and I got sick of it (I stopped responding after I told her to get counseling). 

My mom enjoyed her time at my house and we thanked her profusely as we had a really good time with our DD's.
Title: Re: I think my sister might have a pd....
Post by: Nightblack braids on August 14, 2015, 03:43:47 AM
Yep, that sounds a lot like my own undiagnosed sister. My sister just CANNOT deal with stress in a mature manner, at least not for very long. I don't know if it's a PD, but she's acting like a kid/teenager when she's twenty-five. Plus she tends to get mad at me for outright STRANGE reasons.
Title: Re: I think my sister might have a pd....
Post by: movingforward2 on August 14, 2015, 10:53:44 AM
Nightblack braids...that is exactly like my sister.  She doesn't deal with stress well at all.  And...she holds all of her feelings inside and then will explode and over react to things. 
Title: Re: I think my sister might have a pd....
Post by: SaltwareS on August 15, 2015, 05:02:46 PM
This does not sound PD. She just is the youngest and in a dysfunctional family. Hopefully she can move out. Try to nudge her to do so. Sounds like she is frustrated and growing a long-overdue backbone, and so when she is assertive it comes out mean (like flaking out on watching your dogs.)

She is in the danger zone if she's 27 and still living at home. If people are still living at home at that age and longer some of them never make it out.
Title: Re: I think my sister might have a pd....
Post by: movingforward2 on August 15, 2015, 05:30:03 PM
Saltware...the thing is my family wasn't really that dysfunctional, but she took the brunt of things in my parent's divorce, which was a dysfunctional time.  And...if she had told me when I asked her to watch my dogs that she couldn't, I would have found another place for them to go or I would have done parties for my kids instead.  My issue was that you don't cancel on someone like that at the last minute because of something their 10 year old did.  My neighbor (who ended up helping us out) was shocked.  So was my brother and my mom was angry with her too.  I don't see her ever moving out...it's too easy there for her.  She has no bills to pay and my mom even helps her with vet bills for her dogs.  Her dog had cancer last year and she charged up $1500 on her credit card so my mom offered to help pay.  When my 10 year old broke her arm...my mom didn't offer to help me at all, nor did I expect her to.  I just can't believe that she lives there for free and then my mom does things like help pay her vet bills, build her dogs a fence, etc.