Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members => Topic started by: guitarman on February 04, 2016, 10:26:04 PM

Title: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 04, 2016, 10:26:04 PM

Hi everyone

I'm new here but I've been following for a couple of weeks.

I had an incident tonight, a phone call. I dared to say no to my sister. She wants yet more money. She's had thousands in the past. She'd been with me for hours during the day. I'd been listening calmly to all her nonsense.

When she got home she called. She hasn't got money to pay her phone bill and yet she's going to have acupuncture tomorrow for her lungs and heart condition which she has to pay for. What I've said may trigger her to have to go to A&E. It has in the past.

It's a very long story. I just flipped and I've undone the last few months of being calm with her. She just pushed my buttons and I'm trying to say no to her and set boundaries and sticking to them. I just can't go through all the past terrible experiences with her yet again. For a quiet life I gave her money. Here we go again. It never ends.

I was going to call The Samaritans just for a chat. They are very good but I'm tired. I call them when I need to. I've got other people I can call tomorrow if they are available, other mental health carers and a carers organisation who know me.

It's just good to be somewhere right now with people who really understand and able to vent.

My one rule is to always stay calm no matter what. So I'm a bit annoyed with myself that I didn't but all I said was no. It was a short conversation. I didn't take her two calls after I put the phone down.

I could go on and on. I've not been able to get to any carers groups recently and I realize that I need to go. There are a couple next week. I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow but I'm dreading hearing or seeing her if she's in contact tomorrow.

I'm experiencing PTSD Post Traumatic Sister Disorder! I expect you all know about that.

Over thirty years of the emotional rollercoaster. The extremes are unbelievable to others who have never experienced it themselves.

I feel calmer now having written this. All I said was no.

Now the pleading, crying, verbal attacks, emotional blackmail, anger and suicide threats will start. She'll blame me. It will be all my fault all because I said no.

She wonders why many in the family don't want much to do with her. She alienates them with her behaviour towards them.

She might be quiet for days. That's another tactic. Then she'll visit and be calm then will start over.

I'd better stop I could go on and on.

Best wishes to you all.


Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: alonenow on February 04, 2016, 10:58:14 PM
  It is ok to say no.    We are not our brothers or sisters keeper.  If it is important most people will find a way to come up with the cash to do what they want. My siblings could in a heartbeat unless it was paying back a loan from my mom ( I do not lend). I appreciate staying calm and not wanting things to get out of hand but most of these types need a firm grasp to take their crazy somewhere else.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 04, 2016, 11:38:28 PM
Thanks. It's 2.30am here, still awake.

Yes she'll probably take more money from her pension fund. She hasn't got much left. That was a bombshell she dropped. Her benefits were stopped because she has her pension. Another bombshell.

I don't quiz her any more about money. It's all too stressful for me. I just wait for her to tell me by which time it's a major crisis.

She's divorced and lives on her own which she hates. She gets so lonely.

I expect I'll be up all night now. There's so much adrenaline in my system still. The fight or flight response is so familiar to me.

I have two brothers but I won't bother them. They are so fed up with her too. It's good to come here instead.

Best wishes

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: kayjewel on February 04, 2016, 11:50:22 PM
Welcome to OOTF, guitarman.

From what you've posted, your sister does not live with you, but you feel responsible for her problems and for taking care of her. It sounds like you're over-involved with her life, to the detriment of your own mental (and maybe physical) health. Have you done any reading about co-dependency?


There are self-help groups around the world that exist specifically to help people with co-dependency. It can be a tough thing to work your way out of, all by yourself. Having the support of other people who understand where you are could be really helpful to you.

Co-Dependents Anonymous (CODA) (http://coda.org/)

I'm experiencing PTSD Post Traumatic Sister Disorder! I expect you all know about that.

:laugh: I love this. Yes, been there and done that and know all about it.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 05, 2016, 12:58:58 AM
Thanks. I'll check it out.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 05, 2016, 06:16:23 PM
No news from my sister today, but it's not over yet. I'm surprised how relaxed and calm I've been today. It must have been because I said something to her that I meant to say for ages. Now I have to follow through and not give in. She's lovely when she's stable and we had quite a laugh together yesterday before she asked for money.

My brother and his family are visiting tomorrow so that will be so good to see them all. If my sister turns up she'll behave herself in front of my sister-in-law, hopefully.

When things are bad I usually think the worse because of all the history over many, many years. Usually it doesn't turn out the way I fear but it frequently has in the past.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: kayjewel on February 05, 2016, 07:54:01 PM
Guitarman, how do you usually handle it when you're in Sis's presence and she starts to behave badly?

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: biggerfish on February 05, 2016, 08:04:16 PM
guitarman -- This is a big step in the right direction. There's more work for you to do so you don't get hoovered back in. Keep posting here, and do some reading. Here's an interesting article called "No is a complete sentence" http://www.cloudtownsend.com/no-is-a-complete-sentence-how-to-use-stick-to-it-by-dr-henry-cloud/ (http://www.cloudtownsend.com/no-is-a-complete-sentence-how-to-use-stick-to-it-by-dr-henry-cloud/)

Here's a cyberhug for you: :bighug:
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 05, 2016, 09:54:00 PM
Guitarman, how do you usually handle it when you're in Sis's presence and she starts to behave badly?

I stay calm. I listen and validate her feelings. I don't argue or criticize. That only fuels the flame. She's often said that I'm the only person that understands. That's because I've done years of going to mental health support groups, reading, going to lectures etc. Some of the best help has come from ex-service users with a lived experience of BPD that help facilitate a BPD carers group I've been going to.

If things get too bad I lock myself in the bathroom, call the police or ambulance or run away. I've collapsed in her presence in the past from all the stress. I always make sure my mobile phone is fully charged and
I have it with me when she visits.

She behaves like an out of control wild animal when things are really bad. I've learnt that you can't be rational with someone who is irrational so I don't even try. So I play it cool. I don't get on her emotional roller coaster with her.

Usually the rages burn themselves out eventually.

If I know that she's going to be bad I don't let her in the house. However she's very deceptive because she can appear calm but then an emotional landslide suddenly happens.

The only thing predictable about her is that she is unpredictable.

This is a long journey we're on probably for the rest of my life. I've accepted that. No matter how things are for me they are a hundred times worse for her. I've witnessed the most extreme behaviour any human being could ever exhibit. Nothing could shock me now.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 05, 2016, 10:00:59 PM
guitarman -- This is a big step in the right direction. There's more work for you to do so you don't get hoovered back in. Keep posting here, and do some reading. Here's an interesting article called "No is a complete sentence" http://www.cloudtownsend.com/no-is-a-complete-sentence-how-to-use-stick-to-it-by-dr-henry-cloud/ (http://www.cloudtownsend.com/no-is-a-complete-sentence-how-to-use-stick-to-it-by-dr-henry-cloud/)

Here's a cyberhug for you: :bighug:

Thanks for this. I'm OK I'm calm. It usually takes me three days to get over an incident. It must be all the adrenaline.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: Muggins on February 07, 2016, 12:32:05 AM
I said no to my sister for the first time 20 years ago. We became estranged afterwards and our relationship has never been the same since. However, I'm glad I said no.

It sounds like you have things under control most of the time (but at a great cost to your peace of mind) but when things go bad those adrenaline jolts can take a while to wear off. Wouldn't it be nice if this sparked a turning point in your relationship. As you say, she controls herself around your sister in law.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 07, 2016, 08:24:52 AM
Thanks Muggins.

We've had many turning points in our relationship. I really don't want much more to do with her. I tolerate her that's about as far as it goes.

I feel better today. I had a lovely time yesterday with my brother, his wife and toddler son. Just what I needed.

Over recent years I've purposefully distanced myself from my sister so that she would find others to help her. She has. I don't go running to be with her any more even though she's not too far away. She's a bit further from me now so I can't get there quickly any more thankfully. I've only visited her new place twice in the two years she's been there. She however visits and phones me.

I like to consider myself a caring, kind and loving person so not to be for her goes against everything that I am. I've learnt that I have to be caring, kind and loving to myself first otherwise I shall crumble and fall apart.

She's a very capable, clever, high functioning person at times. At other times she behaves like a little lost child with tantrums, rages and fears. I have to behave as a calm adult and stay resolute.

I'm healing every day from the traumas I've witnessed over many years.

It's as if she is on the edge of a cliff wanting to jump. Sometimes I have to just turn away and not look back hoping that someone else has seen her and rescued her. She eventually walks away from the cliff edge.

It hurts so much when she says I don't care but she says that about everyone in the family. That really pushes all my buttons especially when I'm sitting right next to her having been listening to her for hours consoling her and saying nice positive things.

Thanks for your concern Muggins.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 07, 2016, 02:34:51 PM
I've had two phone calls from my sister today. I've briefly listened to the messages. One I think said that she didn't have any cash but has money in her account to pay her phone bill after all. She's said this before so I should know by now. When she says she has no money she sometimes means she has no money in her purse. She says things that are on her mind without filtering it.

The second call was about a family funeral she wants to attend. She doesn't know the date yet. I've only just found out but it's not for over a week yet. Perhaps I'll text her later or tomorrow. That will be another saga. She's already guilted me for not taking her to see the person when they were alive but she had all the information to visit them on her own if she really wanted to. I visited them regularly when I could so I've got nothing to feel guilty about. We didn't include her in the visits because of the way she's been to their family. If she wanted to visit she could have done on her own. She's quite capable.

I'm enjoying a quiet Sunday.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: daisy.m.d on February 08, 2016, 09:18:21 AM
Hello, Guitarman. Thanks for your note to me on the welcome page. I do see from this post that our sisters are very similar. Ouch. I have reached a point where I have decided to have no contact with mine in order to protect my health and peace of mind.

Her lack of empathy was highlighted when I was going through round  5, 6, 7 of chemo yet she decided it was a good time to call or stop by and yell about her lack of money, having depleted her retirement fund traveling around the world, chasing/ stalking some man she thought should love her (though he was married and wanted nothing to do with her.) She was mad because I would not let her stay with me. I was "selfish" and awful.

She would offer to help when she came by, vacuum or make some food but she never did. Charming and warm at first then the next minute ranting about her problems. It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out. One day she came over, started accusing me of "talking" to people she knows and ruining her life and I snapped. I told her to get out of my house. Get out!

We had a couple of phone conversations in early Dec. but I decided I could not see her at Christmas and that morphed into no contact since. It is a difficult choice but I feel like I cannot make another an take care of myself. I have been on tenterhooks since the age of 16, it was my job to "take care of sis" after my mother died. Didn't matter much what I felt or if I was OK, she was the priority.  Years of suicide threats, depression, crying, screaming, sometimes she was more highly functioning, funny, smart, creative and employed. It never lasted.

I understand the cycle of contact and recovery. My father drove by my sister waiting at the bus stop the other week and did not stop. It broke my heart though he is in counseling to learn boundaries with her (around giving her money). It takes everything I have got some days not to reach out to her.  She may become homeless at some point.

All of this to say what you said to me, you are not alone. Today, I hope you find your peaceful center. I will be doing some yoga stretches and meditation, seeking to find mine.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 10, 2016, 08:59:13 PM
Hi daisy.m.d

I've been so tired the last few days so not been able to reply.

So many things that you've written about I've experienced too.

Empathy - I now don't expect any empathy from my sister. She's emotionally blind to other people's feelings at times. When someone else is ill she turns the conversation around to how that will affect her and her many health problems. Health problems that she gets investigated but sometimes doesn't turn up for the tests.

My sister maybe homeless again soon as well. That's what she's so worried about. She pleaded with me recently that I wouldn't let her be homeless. That's what I dread, her ending up staying with me.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 14, 2016, 01:11:57 PM
I've heard no news from my sister since she left some messages on the phone and texted me. We have a family funeral to attend soon which she wanted details about. I asked my younger brother to text her the details. If he doesn't she will accuse us of all excluding her from family events again.

I'm enjoying the peace of no contact but that could all change in a moment.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: B.A. Mirror on February 15, 2016, 03:40:28 AM

I'm experiencing PTSD Post Traumatic Sister Disorder!

Yup - I know how that works!

Hang in there! She won't set her own boundaries show you love so you HAVE TO set them for yourself! If you didn't you'd be drained.

To paraphrase Anna Taylor: "Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious and limited.  You get to choose how you use them." 

Stay strong!
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 15, 2016, 10:21:55 AM
Thanks B.A. Mirror. I had a wobble this morning, typical PTSD Post Traumatic Sister Disorder symptoms - flash backs, adrenaline rush, panic, shaky etc. Think it was triggered by mental health website I'd been viewing, not this one.

I'm so familiar with anticipatory dread and hypervigilence. My body goes into panic mode and my sister has not even been in touch for a week.

I've just understood your name - be a mirror don't be a sponge - good advice.

I've spoken to another carer this morning so am feeling better now. I've got a carers meeting to go to this evening if I can get to it so that will be good.

"What if, what if, what if?" is going around my mind. I try and turn it into "so what" instead which helps.

Wishing you peace and quiet.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: biggerfish on February 15, 2016, 10:25:45 AM

"What if, what if, what if?" is going around my mind. I try and turn it into "so what" instead which helps.

LOL! You've just given me a gift. Thank you! I'm gonna do a whole lotta "so what" today.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 15, 2016, 10:27:35 AM
Glad to have helped.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: Muggins on February 15, 2016, 03:35:53 PM
I have an "Animal Crackers" comic strip stuck in the cat journal my sister gave me. It shows a bird saying "But what if a cat should come along?" and then another bird sunbathing (with shades on) says "I just can't worry about them anymore."
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 15, 2016, 09:21:38 PM
I've not worried so much about the cat today after all. I had a lovely day. Still no contact from sister. My brother has sent her details about the funeral this week. I just hope she doesn't want a lift, another drama if she does and will have to listen to her explaining about all her problems the whole way there and back.

So it was a good day after all.

I wish you a good calm day too with no prowling cats.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 16, 2016, 09:35:09 AM
I couldn't get to a carers group yesterday. I hope to go to another group later in the week if I can.

I've got to check on clothes to wear for a funeral. It will be a sad time but good to meet the extended family. We've not met together for a long time.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 17, 2016, 06:45:58 PM
I went to the funeral today. It was a beautiful service. A young cousin sang a very moving song.

My sister didn't come. She hadn' t told anyone why. It's a shame as she would have enjoyed seeing all the extended family and they would have liked to see her.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 19, 2016, 04:10:01 PM
I managed to get to a mental health carers group yesterday. I haven't been able to get to one for several weeks. It was so good to see everyone. It was good to be around people who really understand as they are going through similar but different situations themselves.

I feel like my batteries have been recharged and can continue on until another meeting now. So good.

No news from my sister, which is OK. I have to think that she is doing well otherwise she would be in touch. So NC is good.

When she is in a bad way she's in constant contact and I just can't cope. She needs to talk but it's just so exhausting to be around her or listen to her long phone calls. She gets very frightened and lonely. She thinks she's going to have a heart attack and is going to die. I just hope she doesn't call. I'm very tired.

My monkey mind is chattering away imagining all sorts of things that she might be up to. Shut up monkey mind and go away.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: Packy on February 19, 2016, 05:30:54 PM
It might help if you could focus on other things, things that are conducive to you leading a happy life. I know I tended to focus on my brother when I was going very LC with him, almost to the point of obsession. I was finally able to redirect my thoughts to other things, which made me feel more normal again.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 20, 2016, 05:33:20 AM
Thank you. I'm involved with many other things and I'm much better with coping than years ago when I had no support at all. I look after me first. Like you it can feel like an obsession but it's not surprising after all we've been through over many, many years. Others don't understand how extreme things can get. They don't understand CPTSD.

Even though I've had no contact with my sister for a while she's still living in my mind. Events from years ago are still fresh in my thoughts. I recognise what this is. I'm kind to myself and say don't worry this will soon pass. I accept she will not change without long term professional help and that I can't change her. That has been a big change in my behaviour and thinking. I call police and ambulance when needed. I let someone else take the responsibility.

I treat her with loving kindness. I don't behave like a child even though she does at times. I recognise that she's got a serious mental health issue and needs long term specialist support. She is very scared and frightened. What ever I am experiencing it must be a hundred times worse for her in her head.

Wishing you peace and calmness.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: Packy on February 21, 2016, 04:37:03 PM
One thing that helped me a lot was making a list of all the ways I could recall being wronged and things I dealt with that shouldn't have been part of my life but were. This took awhile, as things kept coming back to me at odd times and was painful, but it gave me the resolve I needed to go NC. I would read it when I needed to regain my resolve.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 22, 2016, 08:46:22 AM
Thank you. I usually have a list of incidents going on in my head all the time of things that have happened or things that she's said. It's like lots of different televisions playing different programmes all at the same time. I could list some of the incidents. There are SO many. I think I've forgotten them only to be reminded by something that sparks off a recollection.

The incidents could have been recent or from many, many years ago. It's all the same to me. Echoes from the past still haunt me here in the present.

I try to be positive rather than negative. I now look upon what has happened to me as experiences to learn by. I have been to places that I never thought I would ever go and survived. I've learnt so many things about myself and surprised myself about what I can do if I need to. Survival skills that we all learn here but have never been taught. I like to pass onto others what I have learnt so they may cope better in their own situation.

I am proud of myself for speaking up when I need help. I realise that I care but frequently can't cope.

One exercise we did on the Mindfulness course I did was to list all our good qualities. We are so programmed to be negative and say things that we are no good at or feel that we can't do. We split into pairs. One person said one good thing about themselves such as "I am a kind person" then the other person wrote it down and said to them "And what else?". Before long it was a long list.

Being depressed or subjected to abuse can lead to low or no self esteem. The exercise helps in feeling better about yourself.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 24, 2016, 03:22:41 PM
My sister visited today. She's just left she only stayed about an hour. She was OK she was calm although very worried about the future, as ever. I was medium chill with her and I didn't rise to any of the things she said. I praised her for the projects that she's involved with and complimented her on her appearance.

I've not been in touch with her for a few weeks. She asked about the funeral last week and I was very matter of fact about it. I didn't ask why she didn't come. She wanted to know how I got there and if her children attended. I answered her questions. I didn't expand about who was there or if they enquired about her.

I was surprised when she told me the police had visited her last week. She'd been on the phone sorting out money to an official organisation. They were concerned about her and alerted the police. They came to see if she was suicidal or maybe had problems breathing,  I don't know. When the police visited they used her mobile phone and phoned her children. She told me one of them said he couldn't come over. I'm not surprised he lives a long way away. The other one couldn't visit either. The police followed her to where she was going that evening. So they were happy to leave her alone. She had convinced them she was OK.

It's so nice to know that there are people who are concerned about her. This will now go on her report for future reference which is only good.

I'm pleased that she told me and so surprised that it's taken a week for her to tell me. So going low or no contact works! I didn't get caught up in all the drama.

She's told me other things that she's so worried about and I'm worried and very concerned too now but she's very capable of sorting them out for herself. I only hope that she does.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on February 27, 2016, 10:53:34 PM
My sister has been with me all afternoon and evening. She left after midnight. Thankfully she wasn't too bad and mostly calm. She came round to use her laptop. I fed her. She was sobbing about how lonely she is. Much of the time I went into another room and played my guitar. She was busy on a project she's doing on her laptop that she thinks will make her lots of money, it won't.

I wish her well. She's very clever but self absorbed and deluded.

The drains in her flat are blocked she's making a drama out of it. She has a tooth abscess, another drama. She has heart and lung problems too.

I can see the signs of a huge meltdown happening soon. She's getting confused and very worried about everything, mainly money. She said to me "What am I going to do? I've lost everything. You do realise that I'm going to be homeless soon." YES I DO!!

She needs a whole team of people looking after her. She needs a social worker and many mental health professionals. NOT ME!

I lose my appetite when she visits. I didn't have an evening meal, she did. I cooked it! I'm too tired now to eat but awake.

She left calmly. She said she will be back tomorrow.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on March 02, 2016, 09:46:57 PM
My sister has been with me this evening for hours. I'm trying to wind down and relax but things she said just keep repeating themselves. She wasn't too bad. No shouting or screaming thankfully.

She did say that she was just going to give up, which is code for saying she feels suicidal again. I just can't cope with yet another episode of that. She's got so many worries and keeps asking me "What am I going to do?". She keeps going on about her physical condition which may or may not be actual. There are so many doctors treating her but according to her they don't know what they are doing.

I fed her this evening. I don't make an issue about food. She has fads about certain foods and how they are prepared. She lectures me about how sugar is a toxin and gives you cancer and yet has sugar in her tea and eats cakes, chocolates and biscuits while she's here. I just laugh to myself while she eats them.

I could quite easily challenge and criticize everything she says but I don't. I let things go. She doesn't. She repeats any little thing that has happened to her that has upset her. She gets so stressed out.

It usually takes me about three days to get over a visit from her, even if she was calm. Now I'm going to be worried about the things she said about her future. She says no one in the family cares about her. We all do but just can't cope yet again with all the dramas.

She needs to clear a spare bedroom in her flat to rent it out. She says she can't do it because of her physical condition. I have a legitimate excuse as I have a bad back, which comes in handy at a time like this. I could help her but I really don't want to as it will cause me great pain and make matters worse for me. She says her two children won't help. My brothers are too far away and busy with their own families.

She apparently has no friends and can't afford to hire someone to help her. It will be interesting to see how she gets the room cleared or if she ends up renting it. It would do her so much good to have someone else there but I don't suppose anyone would want to live with her.

I can see a storm brewing.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: Chase on March 04, 2016, 07:36:26 PM
I'm normally in the "dealing with PD parents" section of this forum but wandered over here and felt compelled to respond to your post. I hope that by sharing my small experience, as a daughter of someone who has "issues", that it will help you in some way.

My mother, who is in her 60's, is very similar to how you describe your sister. My mother has leaned on her parents financially her entire life.  As a small example, my mother has never paid for a car her entire life. Her parents have always given her a car. Recently, my mother had a flat tire and her recently widowed 80 something year old mother chose to send her money for her flat tire. Of course, at the same time my mother was complaining that her brother doesn't love her because he wouldn't arrange her plane reservation the way she wanted. Of course, that's a plane reservation that my Grandmother is paying for.

My Grandparents provided for me financially while I was growing up. In fact, my grandparents raised me. My mother wasn't someone I could ask to buy me shampoo, much less depend on her in any minor or significant way financial or emotionally. Growing up, my Grandmother told me that my mother wasn't "available" because she had to work. That phrase was confusing to me because she had to work so much but yet she couldn't put a meal on the table for me. My mother is to the point of expecting people to give her money or else she has an emotional tantrum.

As her daughter, I never saw a financially strong women in my household. I grew up not understanding the role of motherhood and money. I wondered why my mother depended on my grandparents for absolutely everything including her financial well-being. The correct answer was: my mother is incredibly unstable emotionally and it affects all areas of her life. How I interpreted the situation was that in order for me to do better than my mother did for me, I'd need to be financially stable before I have children. Well, I never did have children but at 41 I do feel financially stable. I now realize that her inability to "mother" me or provide financially had absolutely nothing to do with money. It was her emotional issues. Growing up, I wished and prayed that my mother would become my mother. I didn't really know what that meant but I knew I didn't have it.  I hated the fact that my grandparents gave into every emotional and financial whim she desired. I just wanted my mom to take control of her life and be able to provide those things for herself and me, as a young child. Of course, she never pulled it together. I wish my grandparents would have gotten her the help she needed and realized that by giving her every financial "need" they just simply continued to disable her.

I grew up without a mother. It's not that I didn't know her. It's that she wasn't there for me in any way that mattered. I worry about all the same things I'm reading in these threads. Will my mother be homeless? Will she kill herself? At best, she will for sure have predictably uncontrollable emotional, manipulative behavior on an unpredictable level. But there is nothing I can do to help my mother. She has to do for herself.

No, is the right answer. No matter how hard it is.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on March 06, 2016, 07:14:54 AM
Thanks Chase.

It's good to hear from different people who visit other sections of the forum. We can all help and support each other.

No is difficult for me to say but I'm getting better at it. My instinctive reaction is to say yes, yes, yes to everything my sister wants as she says she's going to kill herself. Take everything I have just don't do it. It's only natural for me. Another mental health carer said to me that by helping her I'm not helping her so that's always on my mind.

I expect to see her today as it's Mother's Day and we'll be with our mother. She might be very upset if her own children haven't sent her a card or not contacted her. She'll see the cards my brothers sent our mother so that will trigger things in her.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on March 06, 2016, 09:19:05 PM
My uBPD/uNPD sister visited she stayed for hours. She wasn't too bad. She was occupied on her laptop until the battery finished. She forgot her power lead. She has a terrible memory at times.

We had meat pies and pancakes with maple syrup. I don't make an issue about food, if it's here she can have it. She says she has no money to put her heating on. It's either heating or food she said. She makes me so angry but I stay calm. She's had so much money. She lives in a place she can't afford. She chose to live there. She said she wishes she hadn't ever moved there and got something smaller. YES WE ALL SAID THAT WHEN SHE MOVED IN!!

She was sobbing as she left at 11.45pm saying that she's so lonely and doesn't know what she's going to do. At least she heard from her children today which pleased her. As she left she said that she wished that we all lived together. NO WAY!!

She said she's going to visit tomorrow. She might feel better tomorrow. She said she might go to the doctor, she thought that she might have had a stroke or got pneumonia. She's always got something physical wrong with her. Perhaps she has but she's been tested and they can't find much wrong.

I feel so sorry for her but I now feel so drained and exhausted. What's going to happen to her now? More crying and suicide threats probably, it's the usual pattern.

Oh well at least she left without screaming or shouting which is progress and I was thanked for giving her a meal.

I hope to go to a mental health meeting tomorrow. I just hope she doesn't turn up before I leave then I won't go.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: bopper on March 07, 2016, 05:58:30 PM
Naturally, we tend to want to help family members.  As social beings, if we help our family/tribe, they will help us. There is a sort of social contract, but it depends one everyone doing their part.  So if society expects parents to let grandparents to live with them, and your parents do that, it is reasonable for you to do it for your parents.  But if your parents say "No way!" then it is not reasonable for them to mooch off you.

So your sister is using that human tendency to her advantage...she wants you to help, but won't help herself nor will she help you.

You have to act as if there is no way that you can be the one that solves the problem.  Imagine to yourself...what would she do if I was abducted by aliens?  You doing anything is not a solution.

No money to put heat on?  "Have you tried talking to the heating company? Don't they have programs for low income?"
"Have you considered a cheaper place? that would save you money."
"No, i have no interest in living together.  Maybe you should rent out a room or get a cheaper place."

 "What am I going to do? I've lost everything. You do realise that I'm going to be homeless soon."  "Well you better change something so that doesn't happen.  Maybe talk to a social worker? get a cheaper apartment?"

If you sister ever threatens suicide, immediately call 911 (or equivalent).  If she is truly suicidal, she will get help.  If she isn't, she will still have someone looking into her mental health plus hopefully will stop her behavior.

Definitely keep up the medium chill....She is being passive agressive, but you don't need to respond.  She doesn't like sugar? That doesn't mean you need to change what you have...just ignore or say "well, that is what i have."

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: Scout on March 07, 2016, 10:08:15 PM
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on March 09, 2016, 04:55:09 AM
Thanks bopper and Scout. I do similar things to what you suggest, play dumb and ignore her or just say oh dear. I'm fed up of making suggestions as to what she could do she only ignores me. There is help available for her but according to her she knows everything. There is even a specialist PD group that meets locally a few times each week. It's all self referral. I've told her about it in the past. I've met the people who run it. They are wonderful professional mental health workers, well trained in PD.

She came around again last night. I hadn't gone to a mental health carers group, I was too tired. She brought her dirty washing around, her washing machine isn't working. I allowed her to use the washing machine here. I fed her which she enjoyed and appreciated. She sat next to me on the sofa and used her laptop all evening. She was quite calm all evening and as she was leaving she said again that she is lonely and doesn't know what to do.

I couldn't hold a conversation as I was so tired. So she left calmly. Thankfully she didn't want to stay the night.

I've got to repeat what you said to her. She's got to get her own help and do things for herself. She's quite capable. I have changed over the years and don't go running to be with her any more. I could do so much for her but don't. She's so charming and nice when she's calm and stable but that state could change at any moment. She can behave like a wild animal when she's in a crisis, which is frightening to be around. In the past I've done everything I could to stop her getting into that state, not any more.

I've got to be a mirror not a sponge as someone suggested here. I like that.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on March 14, 2016, 07:05:01 AM
My sister visited me yesterday afternoon and stayed for a few hours. She was calm and pleasant to be with. I was happy and could relax. She had been with her daughter a couple of days. It was like she was a different person, not the wild animal she can be at times shouting and screaming.

I had cooked a roast leg of lamb which I had earlier. She was so pleased to have some. She helped herself and carved a huge portion. She said that she'd not eaten all week, a total exaggeration but I'm used to that.

I jokingly said I'm doing roast beef next Sunday. She said that she'll come round. Now I'll be wondering if she will. I don't mind seeing her for a brief period infrequently if she's calm, peaceful and happy maybe once a month but not nearly every day. I just get overwhelmed even if she's OK.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: SunnyandBright on March 14, 2016, 07:06:04 PM
Don't do it!!

Your life will be miserable - and hers will be miserable, and she'll blame it on you.   Since you will be blamed either way -- be blamed without her living with you, mooching off you.   

If you let her in, you may never get her to leave.   
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on March 14, 2016, 09:29:12 PM
Thanks SunnyandBright for your comments. I know I shouldn't let her in but I do. I don't let her in when she's been screaming down the phone or when she's shouting on the doorstep. She was SO nice on Sunday. We even had a laugh together. One bill that she can't pay and she'll be suicidal again if I don't pay it. It's the same old pattern.

I did say no to her the last time she wanted money and she's not mentioned it, nor have I. She's not mentioned about her washing machine being broken. Perhaps she had it fixed and paid for it. She does some work occasionally but it's not very well paid, she's told me. She's very well qualified and experienced in her chosen career but she says she can't do that work any more, it was too stressful and she says she has lung and heart problems.

I've got to live in the present. She was good on Sunday, which is only positive.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on March 30, 2016, 10:48:44 AM
My uBPD/uNPD sister has visited a few times since. She's been OK.

She was supposed to have had heart and lung hospital tests yesterday but she said she wouldn't be going because her lung condition is so bad. I've not heard anything so I presume she didn't go.

She was desperate to find out what condition she's got for so long and yet didn't go to a heart test before. Perhaps she doesn't want to know or is afraid that they won't find anything wrong. I hope she's got nothing wrong with her but it could explain some of her behaviours and worries.

I don't know what to believe. She always says she has something physical wrong with her. I suppose it's a symptom of her anxiety. Some of the things she says she's had - TB, cancer, heart attack, asthma, dementia and food allergies. She's says she's had other things but I've forgotten, there have been so many over the years. She says she also has dyslexia but never been tested for it.

She's a walking miracle!

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: bopper on March 31, 2016, 12:39:08 PM
That might be one way to go...if she is acting nice, she gets to come over...if she isn't, time to go.

If you are happy, that is fine for a boundary..but you have to stick to it.

No living with you, no money...but some support is fine as long as you don't feel taken advantaged of.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on April 01, 2016, 08:08:43 AM
Thanks bopper. I'm fairly chilled out about my sister at the moment. I've not heard from her for a few days and I won't be calling her, I rarely do. I won't be calling her to find out how the tests went, I feel mean about that but I never know how she will behave. When I do see her eventually and she hasn't gone for them I'll say "Never mind you can go another time".

It's good to know peace and calm for a few days, to notice and enjoy the weather, enjoy what I've cooked, laugh with friends, talk with other family members. However I'm always on alert to her knocking on the door or calling at any time. It's always been like that but not as bad as in the past.

I've been paralysed with fear in the past and shaking as well. I was a gibbering wreck with all the stress but that was years ago but I can still remember the feeling. I don't ever want to go back there again so I have to take care of myself.

It's a lovely day today and I'm calm and centred. I just hope my sister doesn't spoil my equilibrium.

Best wishes.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: seekingmediumchill on April 07, 2016, 05:31:03 AM
Hi guitarman, it is a bit concerning to read about you feeling tired and drained in some instances. Do look after yourself and please keep putting your own mental and physical health first.

I understand that feeling of paralysis and fear well, it is so debilitating and such a waste of time, time that could be spent doing fun, productive things! But so hard to shake off. My brother and I daydream about just moving houses and putting blocks on our phones and e-mail, like Witness Protection.

Good on you for saying no. I am still trying to get my family on to that one. My mother is especially terrible. Instead of a flat-out "no" she will hem and haw with statements like, "Ooh, I'm not comfortable with that." or "I don't like that for [insert reason]." and I am screaming in my head, "JUST SAY NO." because if you don't give them a firm no, the PDs just think all they have to do is work around or through the reason you've given them. And because they are seasoned manipulators, that isn't hard.

Another sentence for the arsenal, "No thank you." Can be repeated ad infinitum without causing offence.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on April 07, 2016, 08:42:08 AM
Thanks for your concern seekingmediumchill. Things are quiet for me my uBPD/uNPD sister still hasn't been in contact. I saw her daughter and she told me her mother didn't go to her heart and lung hospital appointments.

I thought I was doing well but I had a terrible nightmare about my sister last night. I was reliving so many extreme incidents. Everything was so real. I frightened myself with my reaction, but it was all a dream.

I couldn't get to a mental health carers meeting yesterday. I realise I need to go and miss everyone there. It's good to talk to people in person as well as posting here. I've got other meetings to go to soon. I've got people I can call if I need to.

I've had the same feeling like you about witness protection. I'd like to live on an island far away without any contact but I have to live in the real world. My mantra at the moment is I care but I can't cope.

It's a lovely day. Just hope it stays that way.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: Dolphin on April 07, 2016, 10:59:01 AM
I care but I can't cope.

Hello Guitarman, hope your day stays lovely.  Thanks for all of your posts.  I love that mantra. 

I've been posting a lot on this forum about my uNPD relatives, but I haven't been able to write much about my uBPD sister.  Her issues have been the source of more sadness than any of my other relatives.  My reactions to her have caused me to question my own mental health, motives, and behaviors since I was a child.   Thank you for taking the time to write.

Take care
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on April 07, 2016, 12:18:38 PM
Thanks Dolphin. The day is still lovely.

Perhaps you will post more about your uBPD sister and the effect she has had on your life. I didn't realise how much my sister's problems were having on me until I started talking about them. Going to mental health carers groups are now a regular part of my life when I can manage to get to them. I don't know how I would be now if I hadn't have gone.

It's good to talk and share with others who really understand because they have experienced similar but different things themselves.

Thank you for posting. By helping others we help ourselves.

Best wishes.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on April 12, 2016, 10:30:15 AM
I managed to get to a mental health support group last night. We didn't have much time to share and talk because we were discussing how the group will continue as people need to volunteer to become facilitators for the group. Running a support group takes time and commitment.

Luckily some people came forward so it looks like the group will continue. I've made many friends there and going there has become a regular part of my life. It is a support group mainly for service and ex-service users but a few carers attend as well.

I hope to attend a mental health carers group this evening if I can. Even though we discuss some stressful events we always manage to have a laugh together which is so important.

I've not seen or heard from my sister for a few days so that has been good. I won't call her to find out how she is, even for a brief chat. It's nice to enjoy the peace and calmness and know what it is to be relaxed. Time for myself, time to live now in the present, to experience this moment. Time to play my guitar.

It's a lovely sunny day here.


Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on April 12, 2016, 08:29:02 PM
I managed to get to a mental health carers meeting this evening. I've missed a few so it was good to catch up with everyone there.

We were discussing what speakers we would like to come to the meetings in the future. I suggested that we invite someone who teaches communication skills. It's always good to refresh our skills and learn new ones.

I've still not heard from my uBPD/uNPD sister which is good. It means that she's busy and occupied with other people, not me.


Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on April 14, 2016, 10:15:28 PM
Just have to vent.

My uBPD/uNPD sister just left. It's just past midnight. She's been here all evening. I was cooking my evening meal when she arrived unannounced, I gave it to her. I wasn't able to eat when she arrived.

I was loving and kind to her. I was calm. I was grey rock and didn't respond to her questioning which of course she didn't like. I didn't get on her emotional roller coaster with her.

Now I'm shaking. I could quite easily have shouted at her for all the things she said. She was rewriting history. I could have told her to leave earlier but I didn't.

As she was leaving she was tearful and angry. She said she was going to take some pills. It's her usual behaviour. I'm not concerned if I was I'd call for an ambulance.

Just need to chill out with people who understand. I might call the Samaritans just to have a chat. I've calmed down writing this.

She came round in a happy mood. She had some good news to tell me about a project she's doing. She asked me a question and I was truthful. I could have lied to her but I didn't. It was all about a family occasion that she wasn't invited to and didn't know about. Nothing formal just a small get together.

I can understand that she feels excluded and abandoned. Now I feel guilty about not telling her about it all. I got a tongue bashing from her but I stayed quiet and didn't look at her.

Now my guilt kicks in. She is excluded from events because of her unpredictable behaviour. It was at another family member's house. They should have invited her if they really wanted her there. I'm fed up being in the middle and left to take the abuse from her because I live nearby to her, they don't.

I could go on and on. Now this occasion won't ever be forgotten and she'll blame it for her being physically ill again. More guilt for me.

I used to tell her about all the family events but it's up to others to tell her if it's in their house not me. They should invite her. If not they should tell her why, I suppose. If they dare.

I'm so confused. Fear, obligation and so much guilt. Now I feel sorry for her and should have told her about the event. But a few days earlier she had upset someone else who was going there. If she had turned up as we were leaving to go there I would have told her. Why didn't I just tell her? If I had this evening wouldn't have happened. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

We have an expression in a mental health carers group I go to and which we use now in my family SNAFU which stands for Situation Normal All ****** Up which just about sums up my life with my sister. Just when we think things are calm and peaceful something upsetting happens.

So things are SNAFU again, as ever.


Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on April 15, 2016, 12:39:06 PM
I still feel terrible about what happened with my uBPD/uNPD sister last night. I feel on edge. It must be all the adrenaline. It usually takes about three days to get back to normal I've noticed. I hate this feeling.

Today I've spoken to another mental health carer I know. They were able to point out why we didn't tell my sister about the family occasion. It's good to get a reality check from someone who knows me and my situation. They told me I did the right thing.

Being a mental health carer can feel so isolating. You can begin to think that no one else could possibly understand. When there is an upset with my sister I need professional emergency emotional support and I can't always get it. I was awake most of the night here reading and posting on the boards.

Now the worrying will start. My mind goes into PTSD, panic mode and I have to begin to soothe it down. I'm really confused but calming down. I might ring the Samaritans for a chat. The weekend is coming and the carers centre that know me won't be open. I've  got a meeting that I can go to on Monday which will be good.

Just venting again.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on June 28, 2016, 09:30:13 PM
I feel dreadful. I'm all on edge. My uBPD/uNPD sister visited for a few hours this evening. She needs money. I gave her money to have her car fixed. I know I shouldn't but she relies on it to get herself around. Now she wants money for her rent in a couple of weeks and for the month after that.

My mind is going what if, what if, what if? What if she kills herself like she's threatened so many times before. She was sobbing and asking what is she going to do? I can see all the signs of a total meltdown happening again. She's so worried about money and losing her place to live.

I hate this feeling. I feel sick. My stomach is churning. My mind is racing.

It's all going to start again the sobbing, screaming, shouting, swearing, shaking and suicidal threats. Thankfully she's never self harmed.

She's not getting much money in. She doesn't work full time, although she is very well qualified and experienced. She has physical problems she says that prevent her from talking much so she can't do much. She has lots of ideas but can't implement them.

She'll want more and more money. She'll want to spend more and more time with me because she's so lonely. I just can't stand being anywhere near her. She makes me feel ill.

I'm calm and kind whenever I see her but I feel like screaming and shouting at her. I never do. I lock myself in the bathroom instead.

I miss going to the regular mental health carers support groups I usually go to. I just can't get to them which is why I started posting here a few months ago.

My sister has been quiet for a few weeks and mostly calm. I just wish she would be calm all the time but I know that will now never be. I've accepted that. She has long term serious mental health issues and she will probably never be stable over a long period of time.

Just need to vent. I have feelings too.

If there is a hell on earth this is surely it. Oh dear that sounds so bad. All the worst times I've ever been through with my sister are coming back to haunt me. So many years, so many tears.

I know this feeling will pass. I just hate experiencing it time after time. Now I'll be awake all night worrying about her wondering about the future. She dumps her stuff on me and expects me to sort all her problems out. I've been better at not doing everything for her. I just wish that she'd get professional mental health support but she won't.

She's a very capable, resourceful person when she's stable and calm. I just wish she was that person all the time and not the scared, frightened person when she visits me.

Best wishes.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on June 30, 2016, 12:13:29 PM
I feel awful now. I gave money for my sister's car and money for her one month's rent.

She was crying and threw up because she had an asthma attack. I gave her the cheque. She's still here. Now she's laughing and joking on the phone to a friend that has just called her.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on June 30, 2016, 09:34:08 PM
My sister left at 11.30pm. I went to another room most of the time she was here. I feel awful about giving her money because she'll just want more and more. She's already had thousands of pounds. I gave it knowing that she would become hysterical and suicidal if she didn't get it. I'm too weak and feeble to go through all that again. I've suffered enough for so many years. Now I feel so ashamed for not saying no.

She's got a hospital appointment tomorrow with a lung consultant, if she turns up. According to her they don' t know anything and aren't treating her condition properly. She researches lung conditions on the web and finds out what other things they could be doing and investigating.

She left quietly and calmly but says she'll be back tomorrow. I just can't stand being any where near her. I feel like screaming and shouting at her for all the chaos and upset she's caused in the family for years, but I don't. I stay calm in her presence and smile.

Just venting.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: hhaw on June 30, 2016, 11:42:21 PM
You made a choice, GM.

You aren't feeling strong enough to stand up to her hysterical chaos, and so it was worth it to you to write the check.

Just don't forget you have choices, and you can change your mind at any time.

When you're ready... when you're feeling strong enough... you might choose to handle her differently. 

Until then, stop beating yourself up.  Guilt and shame suck.

You're a very nice person.  Give yourself credit and most of all......

have compassion for yourself. 

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on July 01, 2016, 12:02:49 PM
Thanks for your reply hhaw I really appreciate it.

I saw my sister today. She didn't stay too long. She'd been to see her lung consultant. They can't give her a definite diagnosis. So my sister doesn't know what to do. She feels as if no one cares.

She wants yet more money to have her flat cleaned. I didn't give it to her. I pointed out how much money she had yesterday. It's never enough. She made threats to her life as she left. I'm not concerned she does it so often. I've got used to it. She also wants money to get a new bed as hers is broken and she can't sleep well.

Inside I'm fuming but stayed calm. I'm trying not to get involved and stay medium chill with her.

I'm still getting over flu I had a couple of weeks ago so am taking things easy.

Thanks for pointing out I have choices. We all do. I made a choice and it was right for me at that time.

I hate being a nice person. I'm too nice and kind, always thinking the best of people. Being loving and kind just causes me pain.

Best wishes.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: SquarePegs80 on July 01, 2016, 03:23:37 PM
You did great this time saying NO to her, keep doing this you'll get better with it in time.  :hug:
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: hhaw on July 01, 2016, 03:39:55 PM
Right... saying YES while you're recovering from flu is just that.... saying YES one time.

You can change that response at any time going forward..... and you did!

She'll never learn accountability or responsibility as long as you're fixing thing for her.... esp if you do it bc of threats and fear of threats, IME.

If you express empathy and compassion for her.....

"I/m sorry to hear you're struggling with your dx ,and financial struggles..."

reflect her feelings back to her

"That must be very tough for you..."

Then put the problem back on her plate....

"How will you deal with the next doctor appointment/getting the money together to pay your rent/finding a new bed solution?"

Keep this up, until she begins to realize you aren't going to FIX things for her anymore.  Right now she's operating under the belief you absolutely will do that for her. 

When she threatens suicide you may consider calling the authorities and having her deal with the consequences of those kinds of actions.

I'm so sorry you're suffering, but you can only control how you respond to her.  You can't control what she says or does..... stop feeling like it's your responsiblity. 

It's not.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on July 02, 2016, 05:29:29 AM
Thanks SquarePegs80 and hhaw.

My sister stayed the night on the sofa. She just turned up. She left her car overnight at a mechanics to be fixed locally and couldn't get home, no money for a taxi or bus she said. She's going to pick it up later today.

I fed her. I don't make an issue about food even though she eats so much when she's here. She was for the most part calm but talking about herself all the time and another lung condition she's self diagnosed herself with. She wants yet more money to go privately to a specialist lung hospital. She's already being treated for free on the NHS but that's not good enough for her. She said that she could die from this condition if it's not treated. How's that for emotional blackmail!!!

I feel like I could die from being around her and all the stress she causes.

She said that I'm the only brother that cares about her. The others don't have much contact with her. They stand up to her and bring up her past behaviour. They are honest, frank and direct. She calls it abuse.

She was doing washing up while she was here. I thought it was strange as she's never done it before. So I knew she was after something, more money.

I've been better than in the past so I have to give myself some credit. I've been involved with mental health carers support groups for over nine years in order to cope with her. She can't or won't change. I've given up thinking that she ever will now. I used to have hope that she would. That's what has kept me coping. Maybe she's just beyond help unless she has a life threatening crisis and is detained by force. I thought it would happen in the past but the authorities let her go. Police and ambulances never held her when they turned up.

I'm calm although I have racing thoughts about the future and what might happen as ever.

Best wishes.

Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: hhaw on July 02, 2016, 02:45:23 PM

You can love your sister the way you need to love her..... and not the way she insists you love her.

It's OK to step back, and stop doing what she tells you to do.

If you believe in a God... she's where she's supposed to be right now, and so are you.

Review what you're willing to do, and put up with, then do what you have to do in order to enforce those boundaries.

It's OK.

You aren't responsible for her, and her and her belief that you are might be one thing keeping her from stepping up, and being responsible for herself.

Good luck,
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on July 03, 2016, 02:25:33 AM
Thanks hhaw. You are right I'm not responsible for her and she wouldn't want me to be. However at times she has no insight into her own behaviour and thinking. She needs guidance through the dark unseeing times. Over the years I've done less and less and tried to distance myself from her for my own sanity. I could do so much more but hold back and let her try and sort things out for herself. She's quite capable, at times. Other times it all ends in disaster and she becomes suicidal.

She's stayed over another night. I'm trying to stay calm, a couple of times I had to stop myself from shouting at her. I forgive myself, I'm only human. She pushes all my buttons even when she's being super nice. She is a person with complex needs, financial, emotional, physical and mental. Each one of them directly affects me. She is so lonely. She said she needs to do something about that. That's for her to sort out, not me. She puts on a good act and others don't realise how desperate she is. She alienates others by her behaviour and she doesn't realise.

I need support most of the time, I recognise that otherwise I will crack up. It's so hard at times. I try to be strong but there's just so much any one person can take and I've reached that limit. I can't be a rescuer all the time but some people need life support otherwise they will die, or think that they will.

This post will be closed down soon as it's reached it's five page limit so I'll start another one if I need to. Thanks for everyone's help and support. It's been invaluable and I really appreciate it. Just knowing others are going through similar but different situations really helps. We are not alone.

Best wishes.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: Shockwave on July 03, 2016, 04:30:57 AM
Something tells me you're a really nice guy, guitarman. Do you see yourself that way to the point where you define it as part of your very identity and being?
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: guitarman on July 03, 2016, 04:56:14 AM
Thanks Shockwave. I don't know about being a nice guy. I have my failings like everybody. I try to see the good in everyone and make the most of every situation. I try and be positive rather than negative. It's because being around my uBPD/uNPD sister for so long can feel so destructive and draining. I have to keep her seeing the best in life rather than the worst. She can be very depressed and suicidal.

I've seen the worst behaviour anyone could ever exhibit towards someone else. Her behaviour towards our elderly frail father made him want to kill himself because of all the stress she caused in all our lives. He eventually died from natural causes but she didn't make his life easy. He was a very sick old man but she persisted in worrying him with all her problems. She couldn't help it. She has serious mental health issues.

Life is a teacher and being around someone all my life who has mental health issues has taught me so much even in the darkest times which I try and use to help others and myself.

I'm proud to be a nice guy if that's what people think. Thanks I appreciate your comments.

Best wishes.
Title: Re: I dared to say no
Post by: Bloomie on July 03, 2016, 09:28:17 PM
Hey there guitarman - What a great thread. As you rightly noted, we've reached the 5 page max and I wanted to invite you all to continue the conversation in a new thread. Going to lock this one up for length.