Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members => Topic started by: movingforward2 on March 29, 2016, 11:38:17 AM

Title: What would you do?
Post by: movingforward2 on March 29, 2016, 11:38:17 AM
My sister added drama to yet another holiday.

She's been having issues with her friends.  She's always had trouble with friendships and people really tend to take advantage of her.  Anyhow, this caused her to storm out of my house within 5 minutes of coming over on Easter.  I calmly went outside, told her we'd like her to stay and she did.

Then...she got irate with my H.  He is not a fan of get togethers.  Often, he'll eat with us, hang out a little while and then go outside or in our room.  It's just who he is.  He would do this when his mom came over even.  H was really upset on Easter.  He' NC with his mom (she's unpd/ubpd).  I think we never realized how off my sister was because NMIL is so outlandish that it makes my sister look like a tame little kitten.  He's had contact with his brother, so he texted his brother Happy Easter and sent a bible verse.  Well...BIL ended up sending him a text back basically cursing him out.  H was furious and ended up going in our room to sulk, which I thought was understandable.  I hung out with my mom, sister and DD's.

My sister blew up.  Said H was being rude...he's just like her friends, he's like her friends boyfriend (who is a drug dealer...my H is not a thing like him).  She ended up storming back out and  yelled something about my H, to which he came out of the room and yelled back at her. 

I mean...after her blow-up on Thanksgiving, I met with her for drinks and told her she needed to go to counseling to have a r/s with me and my family.  Things got better, but she hasn't gone to counseling.  I am tired of dealing with drama from H's family and my sister. 

My question is...should I just flat out tell her that for Mother's Day, she's not coming over?   She lives with my mom and this might mean I won't see my mom that day, but I wonder, if for my own sanity, I need to just do something separate with my mom, without my sister there.  I do feel badly...her friends have really been nasty to her and now, here I am, telling her she can't come over on Mother's Day, but I just don't want that day ruined too.  Advice?
Title: Re: What would you do?
Post by: closure_with_clarity on March 29, 2016, 11:59:02 AM
Look at in terms of you owe it to your children to have drama and chaos free holidays. The atmosphere should be fun, carefree, and stress free....conductive to a healthy family dynamic and bonding time.

If your sis can not behave herself and has a chronic pattern of blowing up the day, then it is time to exclude her movingforward2.

When I look back on Mother's day, I allowed the day to be hijacked. I was so focused on placating and trying to please my own mother, that I grossly overlooked my self and my lil FOC. I would run around like a chicken with head cut off trying to placate and please my dysfunctional FOO. and involve them in all our holidays and special occasions.

It wasn't until my kids were in their mid teens that we started doing FOC only holidays. The atmosphere and bonding was so much different once we cut out the drama and BS. For several years, my kids were begging me to not invite the extended family, but I didn't listen soon enough. And, so wish I had.

Perhaps focus on yourself this mother's day...enjoying and savoring your own lil FOC. Plan a day trip and make plans to savor and enjoy your DH and DD's without any outside distractions clouding the day. You can always take your mom out to eat or plan to spend a few hours with her alone the day before.

Focus on you and your own lil FOC as it should be!
Title: Re: What would you do?
Post by: movingforward2 on March 29, 2016, 05:53:36 PM
Thanks Closure with clarity.  I think it is time to just say no more to my sister.  And...if that means that my mom doesn't see me, then so be it.  I can't control all of that.  My mom chooses to enable my sister. 
Title: Re: What would you do?
Post by: VividImagination on March 29, 2016, 08:14:15 PM
To be honest, MF2, your recent post about how she threatened to kill your pets (and hers too?) would have been my final straw. Whether or not she would actually do such a thing is immaterial...it would be traumatic for your kids to hear their aunt say such a thing. It proves that she is completely incapable of controlling her emotions or mouth, which is not a good combo when it comes to being around children.

There's no rule that you must do Mother's Day a certain way. You mentioned elsewhere that you might do a tea with your mom on Saturday and spend the day with your family on Sunday. Neither of these involves your sister at your house.

In the future, if your mom doesn't agree with your sister not coming to your house, she can host things at hers and then you are free to exit when your sister shows her posterior.
Title: Re: What would you do?
Post by: movingforward2 on March 29, 2016, 08:26:25 PM
Thanks Vivid.  She said that on the phone about killing the animals (not in front of my kids), but it was highly disturbing just the same.  I'm not sure my mom will take off work for the Mother Daughter Tea, but I think I'm going to contact her today about it.  I'm just tired of my sister ruining things. 
Title: Re: What would you do?
Post by: bopper on March 31, 2016, 12:49:54 PM
You are married to your DH...this is your home.

If she doesn't like the way he behaves in his home, then it is up to HER to set a boundary and not visit the both of you at your home ...maybe just do something with you separately.  But she doesn't get the right to yell at your DH and try to get him to change his behavior.

Don't feel sorry for her about her friends...it is most likely her behavior that is causing this.

Suggest to your mom that you would like to do something with just her since you don't get to do that often...schedule it for not Mother's day..
say that your kids have something planned for you.

Also...THIS IS MOTHER'S Day!   YOU ARE A MOTHER!  you get to have this day be about you and not your sister.

If your sister says anything about not coming over just say "It seems that whenever you come over, it upsets you.  I don't want that for you."
Title: Re: What would you do?
Post by: Bloomie on March 31, 2016, 01:53:50 PM
MF2 - your sister's behavior in your home has to be really disruptive and upsetting for one and all. You have talked with her after the Thanksgiving issue and she has not chosen to get the help she needs to manage herself in respectful ways with your family. Sometimes limits and consequences are the thing that gets through to someone who is behaving out of control.

Going forward wouldn't it be a relief to just spend time with your FOC and enjoy a holiday without trauma and drama?
Title: Re: What would you do?
Post by: movingforward2 on March 31, 2016, 03:07:16 PM
Don't feel sorry for her about her friends...it is most likely her behavior that is causing this.


I have been trying to hint to my mom that my sister is part of the problem.  My sister confronted the girl who was not nice to her and said, "Just tell me to my face if you don't like me."  She did this in front of a bunch of other co-workers and one of them said, "Maybe she doesn't want to confront you because she's afraid you'll cry."

I feel really badly for my sister because it is a tough situation, but the way she handles it makes it so much worse.  My mom just thinks that it's the other girls.  When my sister had issues at work last year, it was all the co-workers fault, not my sisters.

I also agree about it being H's home.  I never really thought of it that way.

Bloomie...thanks.  This is true.  I thought of going out to eat somewhere, but I'd rather not spend $60 for my entire family to go out...I'd rather just have a dinner at my house and use the leftover money to buy myself something  ;)