Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members => Topic started by: fiona on April 14, 2016, 09:00:23 AM

Title: Enmeshment
Post by: fiona on April 14, 2016, 09:00:23 AM
I found this quote today and it is exactly how it is with Mom and Golden brother

"When an enmeshed child reaches his teenage years, he will generally choose one of two courses. In the first, rather than develop the autonomy he needs to grow into a healthy adult, he will become developmentally stunted. The child who goes this route will remain dependent upon his narcissistic parents. His mother will get to keep her “little me” and the adult child will continue to meet her needs."

We always said he is a carbon copy of her and "little me" is even a better term.

In ways I feel sorry for him. He can't grow up and she's never going to let him. I even believe now that both his failed marriages are partly my mothers doing. He always ran to Mom with every issue. Now at 57 he is living with Mom and so is his 16 year old son. It's just one more "little Me" for Mom to control.

Title: Re: Enmeshment
Post by: BettyGray on April 14, 2016, 10:23:25 AM
Fiona, this describes my NPDmom and GC brother. He is completely dependent on my parents (he is 52, divorced, jobless and has tons of health problems which she is happy to rush in and play nurse for). He can do no wrong. Unfortunately he had a child (mom drive off the wife years ago) who is now 22 and living with his dad, working 2 jobs, enmeshed and  taking care of him. How sad is that? The saddest part is my nephew doesn't seem to mind it and thinks they're "buddies." Even though GCBro never paid a cent of child support.

My GCuBPD sis (47 and unmarried / unable to sustain a relationship) is also completely enmeshed but there is a huge tension between her and NM. Like they hate wa h other but are chained together. She is the "mini-me" and they vacation together and even sort of dress alike. Sis is her slave. But she obviously gets something out of the relationship.
Title: Re: Enmeshment
Post by: alonenow on April 14, 2016, 10:40:06 AM
In the quote you use a teen chooses autonomy or enmeshment.... In my opinion the choice is often the path of least resistance.  Which is always the easy choice. My thoughts on this resort back to some conversations I have overheard at work.... one man in his late 30's to 40's talking about calling his MOM cause he was unhappy with the answers he was getting from a body shop after car issues. He sounded like a wounded teenager I was so embarrassed for him just overhearing the conversation. he kept talking as if it was normal and he said his wife doesn't understand.....
     A woman in her 50's was so out of context mad because her future SIL said he had his own family plans instead of a GF's family vacation her GRANDFATHER was planning and paying for.  She is NOW determined to "get rid" of this guy cause daddy was insulted.  No thought about her daughter at all.
I immediately lost some respect I had for these people.
 I think the worst thing any parent can do is NOT let their kid leave the nest and soar on their own.
Title: Re: Enmeshment
Post by: fiona on April 14, 2016, 04:46:29 PM
Liz, It is sad and I feel bad for the sons of our brothers who are being taught to live the same way.  It also angers me that our adult brothers can't break free of our moms.  I've even told mine to get out and get a place of his own. One minute he said "oh I'm going to" then the next minute said "but I like it at mom's" Truthfully it's sick in my opinion. My oldest brother is the same. He doesn't live with mom but calls her each day, she calls him if shes going out and calls him again to say shes home.  I'll never understand it!! What is the hold these mom's have on their children? my bros are all senior citizens. Your sisters relationship with your mom sounds even more complicated. I think none of them ever have grown up and as long as N moms are at the helm they will never be allowed to be their true selves. 

alonenow, Isn't it sad they think this is normal. Grown men still mamas boys!!  I applaud that SIL for standing his ground. If he does marry her daughter they better move very far away.  It truly is as you say "the worst thing any parent can do is NOT let their kid leave the nest and soar on their own". Makes me wonder where these people end up when N mom is gone. I guess they sink further into more dysfunction