Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members => Topic started by: tea-lady on June 30, 2016, 05:42:55 AM

Title: Have n't stopped in for ages,but I really need help and re focus from the board
Post by: tea-lady on June 30, 2016, 05:42:55 AM
Hey , I have not posted here in a long time, but still would need to as situations come up and they do from time to time.
My daughter is 19 and on the autism spectrum, I prefer the term apsergers in her case, but with debilitating social anxiety as well.
I cut off contact with narcissistic mother and narcissistic sister, last contact was 2010. We agreed to leave our children out of it and let them have that cousin relationship with each other, but NS couldn’t handle not having this serve her somehow, so of course she used her own daughter to show me up as the bad aunty/sister which really translated to was I needed to use my boundaries. So then I had to cut off my niece my daughters cousin and we have not had contact for roughly 4/5 years.
 Over the years , they have made attempts. Neice has made a new attempt with me yesterday,  Saying she had a bond with my daughter when they were younger and would I help her organise a date for them to catch up?
What do I do? or even say? this is via FB messenger. I have done a lot of healing, but that means I still need to keep away. The last contact my daughter had with her  NG saying was her saying “ Anyone would think I had just asked you to suck my f———boobs when my 11year old was hesitant in getting grandma her perfume out of the bathroom in a hospital ward, after that visit with NG i told my daughter she did not need to see her grandma anymore. NM picked on my daughter and that day was the end of it.
Do I even respond to this attempt. My daughter has no real friends and no social life due to her social anxiety and being on the autism spectrum. I do remember very clearly my daughter did get on famously with this cousin, but so many things are different now.
There is the diagnosis and the further withdrawn nature as my daughter is classed as adult, but only by a number, she does nt act 19 and is very timid.
If she wanted to have a catch up with this cousin,
How would I set this up?

e.g., Hey ------ is this a genuine request and why all this time later?
Or are you just waiting for my response that your mother can use for her sympathies to garner from others?

There are guidelines and boundaries to this visit.

Only at my place, with me in the room.
Off topic are my mother and your mother.
No leaving with my daughter to anywhere. I get the feeling they want to run my daughter up to NM for a visit

Sounds harsh to those who do not understand the autism spectrum, but my daughter has real trouble saying no to any body, even her own parents. she is at real risk of being abused should the wrong people come across us.
Just to give an idea, a 53 year old aspie asked if he could take her to the movies and he stipulated just the two of them, so a potential date and she just smirked and smiled at him and then looked at me to rescue her.

I think NS and NM just want to gawk and see my daughter as she wasn’t diagnosed until she was 15 as ASD and to see what they can get from us in the way of chaos and attention.
I have prepared as much as I can be to never see that side of my family again.
What do I do?

This is the message I received

* Hi there Aunty
I know that this family has fallen apart and I do not wish to question the reasons behind this but I would dearly love to see cousin. We had a close bond when we were younger and family issues shouldn't have to come between us. I would appreciate it if you could assist me in organising a date for her and I to catch up. Thanks*

Title: Re: Have n't stopped in for ages,but I really need help and re focus from the board
Post by: Lillith65 on June 30, 2016, 01:48:55 PM
If they did get on really well when they were younger it might be worth organising a supervised visit - but trust your instincts. Your daughter is, as you say, vulnerable and you are the only thing standing between her and the MNs in your FOO.
Title: Re: Have n't stopped in for ages,but I really need help and re focus from the board
Post by: daughter on June 30, 2016, 08:46:11 PM
TL: your post certainly resonates with me.  Insert "oldest DS teen" for "DD", and we've a book-match FOO situation.  Our DS has Aspergers diagnosis, along with depression and anxiety, but is a full-time main-streamed college student.  I've a malevolent NBM, an enabler-enforcer NF, and one sibling, GC "princess" nsis, NBM's BFF mini-me.  My role was parentified "good girl/dutiful daughter" SG.  I was as much ostracized and tacitly-shunned by NBM and nsis as consciously making NC decision 4+ years ago, after decades of misery.  My FOO Family was oblivious to our oldest DS teen's emotional needs and social skill deficiences, and NBM has always used DS as a "pawn" to deliver her malice and malevolence upon me, her disfavored daughter, like some evil stepmother blighting and berating "Cinderella" me.  Therapy has confirmed my suspicions regarding my parents: per therapists: they're both high-functioning npd-sociopaths, NBM being a bpd-personalityy too, both blind and indifferent to the emotional damage they wreak.   

NC was a good decision.  And except for significant DS-related problems, NC has been a very positive experience for us.  Post-NC, I've dealt with many "divide and conquer" tactics of NBM, NF, and nsis, to "divide" DS from his family (us) at Christmas ("come to dinner with us, your family" - ie: leave your parents at home), Spring Break ("come to Florida with us" - ie: don't go on vacation with your parents), and his birthday ("oh, we can't see you at college on your birthday?  because your parents are visiting -- what?), etc.  Always involving large cash gift-bribes, for "touching go", ie: visiting my parents when he should be rightfully not presented with such conflicting priorities and substantial rewards for bad decision-making.  DS always "pays the price", emotionally-speaking, for these conflict-laden visits with NBM and NF.  And while he dislikes NBM ("your mother is a sociopath") he thinks NF is "victim of grandma and you, mom", as my NF often instructs him.  Many attempts, some successful, by NBM and NF, towards driving a wedge in our emotional bond with our DS, some, sadly, successful, and DS' emotional health has suffered during those 4+ years of NC, because he's the "pawn", the direct victim of their manipulations, lies, denials, gas-lighting, etc.  Lots of bad-mouthing of us, DH and me, our DS' only genuine advocate, the only folks genuinely concerned for his emotional well-being 24/7.  It's so sad, and so disgusting.

So I read your post, and I think this haughty so-called "help me see DD" weirdly-worded self-invitation is suspect.  That's not how young people speak, or text.  Reads like a hoover.  Seems like a self-righteous poke.  Could your nsis or nm be "hiding" behind your niece's FB account, making this "visit" demand "undercover"?  I think you're right to suspect that real plan is for furtive "grandma to see DD" plan.  Otherwise why such a contrived invitation/request demand?  Why not just call DD directly - "hi, this is your cousin; how you doing?"  Me personally, I think "FB-facilitated invites" like this are a true coward's route, a method for proffering a hoover-by-proxy, when initial step clearly should be a reconciliation attempt with you.  No, I think this FB self-invite is perhaps intended to solicit your "no" for purposes of bad-mouthing you and generating more self-satisfaction on their part (for a "see, we contacted her, but no, she still holds a grudge" spin that allows them to absolve themselves for past and current bad behavior).  Me, I'd ignore this FB hoover.  Protect your DD, and best wishes to you!     
Title: Re: Have n't stopped in for ages,but I really need help and re focus from the board
Post by: tea-lady on July 01, 2016, 12:42:17 AM

Putting this out there, will this be offensive to the narcs in FOO. i've sort of lost touch with it all really. is this the fodder they want? How can this be offensive?

Hi Niece, Is this a genuine request?

My daughter is a soft target and until she can build some skill for saying what she wants instead of pleasing other people I will continue to be her advocate and with that comes supervision from me, also because she is  soft target she is a beacon for  people who want to take advantage of her. I am not saying this is your deal. We just have boundaries and they are pretty high at the moment until  a time she can stand her own ground . She will always continue to have healthy boundaries anyway.

You are welcome to see my daughter and these are our guidelines, this guideline is not personal but a general one for everybody that wants to catch up with her.

My place.
No leaving with my daughter
Off topic conversation your mum and my mum.

If you disagree, that is fine, but a deal breaker from me.

Title: Re: Have n't stopped in for ages,but I really need help and re focus from the board
Post by: tea-lady on July 01, 2016, 02:34:39 AM
daughter, Sorry your son was a pawn for FOO. Can you clear for me the NBM means narc borderline mother? It really is disgusting when they go as far as using people who really cannot defend them self. Its hard for neuro typical to deal and understand with dysfunctional people let alone people on the autism spectrum and the fact they do this, makes them even more vile. They have no hope of surviving that storm, the more reason we advocate for them. I believe the way my daughter is, she is at high risk. I even think a 10 year old can lead her astray.

 I hope you maintain NC, so you can all heal. Before I read your post. I did reply to nieces FB message saying I hoped this was genuine and that by my gut I didn't think it really was her request at all, she assured me she had no ulterior motives other than to visit my daughter. i have not decided what to do as yet. I sort of don't see the point in it really, my child rarely speaks spontaneously anyway and its a real struggle to have any talk with her, all this will do is confuse her and give her a lot of anxiety she could do without.

 As your FOO did the divide and conquer with your son, e.g. holiday with us not your parents. NM told my oldest son to bring his sister to visit her, she actually said, don't listen to your parents and if you can't do this, don't bother turning up. I had no idea what it was about, and all sort of horrid things were running through my head and i said not on this earth will this happen if I could not be there too. She stipulated do not bring your parents .

 NM said you will lose something very significant. It made me sick to my stomach.
The blackmail turned out to be pizza and a $1000 each and an afternoon with N granny, she asked all her other grandchildren as well. She made it big, secretive and very momentus and quiet frightening. I guess she got her kicks until it backfired, but then she got to get off on the pity, she did enjoy being miserable and that was somehow a sick comfort for her.
Title: Re: Have n't stopped in for ages,but I really need help and re focus from the board
Post by: daughter on July 01, 2016, 10:26:47 AM
TL:  My 1st response to that FB notice would be "Hi niece - good to hear from you again.  Yes, it would be nice for you to visit DD.  Why don't you suggest a date for you to come visit us?"  No JADE, no FOG.  But don't be surprised if "niece" shrugs-off a in-home visit, or doesn't follow-up.