Out of the FOG

The Other Sides of Us => Book Reviews => Topic started by: all4peace on October 14, 2016, 10:37:57 AM

Title: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: all4peace on October 14, 2016, 10:37:57 AM
"Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship" by Christina Ann Lawson

I found this book very helpful and enlightening. I've been reading nearly nonstop about PDs, family systems and other psychological issues, and this book stands out from the group.

The book first describes the overall problems between borderline mothers and children (lack of trust, denial, making children feel bad with shame, anxiety, guilt and rage).

Then it talks about four types of borderline mothers:
Hermit
Waif
Queen
Witch

and how they each behave, as well as the damage done to the children of each type (they can overlap) and how to survive them. I felt that it was well written enough that when I got to the sections that most pertained to my mother, it was like reading directly about her, and one of them I couldn't stop crying it was so spot on and emotionally wrenching.

I would recommend this book
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: moglow on October 14, 2016, 11:04:50 AM
One of my favorites on BPD (if there can be such a thing)! I read it highlighter in hand, tears streaming down my face. It horrified me reading what I could so easily have written, words I have said, thoughts I have had so many times.

I didn't identify with the four types of fathers, as neither were around during mother's performances, but the mothers??  Oh yeah.  Mine was very much Queen/witch when I was growing up, and has evolved more into Waif/hermit as she's aged. I suspect that's because she realized the old behaviors simply don't work anymore. She doesn't have that power over our lives that she had when we were children.

I love that UTBM gives real time advice for how to manage yourself when faced with the various types. That's the first place I became aware of JADE - don't justify, argue, defend or explain your choices. She doesn't have to agree or understand??!  I don't have to keep explaining myself over and over?? Groundbreaking for me!

Thanks for reviewing this one!
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: all4peace on October 14, 2016, 02:24:58 PM
(it was too late to modify my original post, so I fleshed out my original review into the more detailed one below)

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship, by Christina Ann Lawson

I found this book very helpful and enlightening. I've been reading nearly nonstop about PDs, family systems and other psychological issues, and this book stands out from the group.

The book first describes the overall problems between borderline mothers and children (lack of trust, denial, making children feel bad with shame, anxiety, guilt and rage). It describes the All-Good child, No-Good child and Lost child.

Then it talks about four types of borderline mothers:
Hermit (fear, persecution, possessive and overcontrolling, fears rejection, jealous, perceptive, superstitious, evokes guilt in others, "life is too dangerous")
Waif (helplessness, victim, passive, chronic medical problems, uses drugs/alcohol/money/food/sex to self soothe, abandonment issues, "life is too hard")
Queen (emptiness, deprivation and envy, seeks attention, demands loyalty and discards those who aren't, children "on display", intrusive and violates boundaries, believes rules don't apply to her, determined and ambitious, "It's all about me")
Witch (annihilating rage, exhibits The Turn which is a sudden attack, abrupt withdrawal of love and razor-sharp words, self loathing and conviction of self being evil, least likely to seek treatment, sadistically controlling and punitive, campaigns of denigration, hostility masks her fear, degrading others does make her feel better, intrusive, domineering and violates others' boundaries, destroys valued objects or is intentionally withholding, fear of entrapment--such as psychiatric hospitalization, poor prognosis, "life is war")

and how they each behave, as well as the damage done to the children of each type (they can overlap) and how to survive them. I felt that it was well written enough that when I got to the sections that most pertained to my mother, it was like reading directly about her, and one of them I couldn't stop crying it was so spot on and emotionally wrenching.

It also covers four types of fathers:
Frog-prince (perceived as underdog, emotionally constricted, may suffer from BPD) Likely to pair with a Waif
Huntsman (good-hearted, loyal, principled, easygoing and hard-working, uses denial and avoidance to regulate emotion, derives self-esteem from duty, honor and service)  Likely to pair with a Hermit and subtly encourage their children to tolerate the Hermit's abusive behavior.
King (feels entitled to special treatment, requires constant attention and admiration, tends to withdraw when hurt--leading to vicious fights when he withdraws from his spouse, may also withdraw when conflict arises between mother and child, leaving child emotionally abandoned) Likely to pair with a Queen.
Fisherman (quarrels constantly with wife, relinquishes will to the witch, has little or no self-esteem and sees himself as a loser, fails to protect his children from abuse) Likely to pair with the Witch.

Additional chapter titles:
Loving the waif without rescuing her
Loving the hermit without feeding her fear
Loving the queen without becoming her subject
Living with the witch without becoming her victim

I would highly recommend this book.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: all4peace on October 14, 2016, 02:26:47 PM
One of my favorites on BPD (if there can be such a thing)! I read it highlighter in hand, tears streaming down my face. It horrified me reading what I could so easily have written, words I have said, thoughts I have had so many times.

I didn't identify with the four types of fathers, as neither were around during mother's performances, but the mothers??  Oh yeah.  Mine was very much Queen/witch when I was growing up, and has evolved more into Waif/hermit as she's aged. I suspect that's because she realized the old behaviors simply don't work anymore. She doesn't have that power over our lives that she had when we were children.

I love that UTBM gives real time advice for how to manage yourself when faced with the various types. That's the first place I became aware of JADE - don't justify, argue, defend or explain your choices. She doesn't have to agree or understand??!  I don't have to keep explaining myself over and over?? Groundbreaking for me!

Thanks for reviewing this one!
Thank you for commenting! It's such a pleasure to share an experience of a book with another who also enjoyed it. Thank you also for adding that the mothers can change from one category to another, or embody more than one.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: moglow on October 14, 2016, 02:45:44 PM
Quote from: all4peace
Thank you also for adding that the mothers can change from one category to another, or embody more than one.

Yes! People don't always realize that BPD isn't static nor are the "types" set in stone.  They're very changeable depending on circumstances and even the people around them at any given time. I'm not altogether sure if phases of the moon don't come into play as well!

What I have realized is that mother can and does control her behavior, she just chooses not to at times. I stopped believing the "she can't help it" bs a long time ago. I've seen her flip from one to the other and back again literally within minutes too many times to believe otherwise.

I'm due for a reread of this one, so thanx for the reminder.  :cool2:
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: all4peace on October 14, 2016, 03:18:27 PM
Quote from: all4peace
Thank you also for adding that the mothers can change from one category to another, or embody more than one.

Yes! People don't always realize that BPD isn't static nor are the "types" set in stone.  They're very changeable depending on circumstances and even the people around them at any given time. I'm not altogether sure if phases of the moon don't come into play as well!

What I have realized is that mother can and does control her behavior, she just chooses not to at times. I stopped believing the "she can't help it" bs a long time ago. I've seen her flip from one to the other and back again literally within minutes too many times to believe otherwise.

I'm due for a reread of this one, so thanx for the reminder.  :cool2:
I'm considering buying it also! It'd kind of stink to have it lying about when mom comes to visit, though :D
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Is This Normal on October 14, 2016, 03:40:04 PM
I read this years ago when I did my longest stint in therapy. Don't remember much about it. I don't think I was ready for it. I believe I am now. Thanks for bringing this back to my attention, All4Peace!

Rereading your very nice summary, I believe my parents fit the Hermit/Huntsman dynamic. I'm going to order the book today and go straight to that description when it arrives.

I can also testify to BPs cycling among the types. My mother vacillates amongst all the types, w/the Hermit, Witch being most prominent.

Quote
I'm considering buying it also! It'd kind of stink to have it lying about when mom comes to visit, though

 :yeahthat: Right?!? I have a whole stack of books that I keep in a drawer for that reason!

-ITN-
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: all4peace on October 14, 2016, 04:11:14 PM
Haha! I also read When You and Your Mother Can't be Friends (will review it later) and was joking with my sister that it's most definitely not Visiting-Home-For-Thanksgiving reading :D

ITN, I found it interesting that both mothers and fathers mainly fit 1-2 categories, but there were characteristics in all of them that I could see them fitting. I'm so sorry that Witch is the most prominent. If you notice, it doesn't saying "Loving the witch," like the other mothers. It says "Living with the witch." It was the most hostile and dangerous category, and it was the one where I couldn't stop crying, especially when it talked about how children survive a witch mother. My mother is most prominently Queen, but the Witch certainly came out too often, and the description of how to survive her is what I instinctively did as a child. Plus, the companionship and love of my little brother really was a constant point of light for me.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: moglow on October 14, 2016, 04:30:53 PM
Quote
Plus, the companionship and love of my little brother really was a constant point of light for me.

This. 💜 I'm not sure I'd have survived without mine. They're good men - how that happened with her as our main influence I'll never know, but I am truly thankful for them.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Is This Normal on October 14, 2016, 04:36:24 PM
All4Peace,

YES! I have "When You and Your Mother...." too! I think that's the first book that led to my creation of the "secret drawer." That and Trapped in the Mirror, about having a Narcissistic father or mother.

I tend to diminish the Witch thing. My mother wasn't ever physical, she didn't necessarily scream either, although she definitely will raise her voice. Most often she just starts in with this angry, accusatory, scornful voice which signals the start of what I call the  Harangue. Now it's my father who bears the brunt of that. And yes, I think he's just "living" with her at this point. But as a Huntsman, I think he really does derive some sort of self-sacrificing satisfaction from this. Well, better him than me. I can't do that.

Yeah, I'm definitely going to order this book!

-ITN-
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Fiasco on December 16, 2016, 02:57:25 PM
The neat thing about the book is how much it seems to change as you go along in your journey Out of the FOG. I read it at the very beginning and then when I re read it a year later it was like a whole new book! My old underlines and notes were old hat to me by then, and I gained a whole new set of highlights that resonate with me.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: all4peace on December 16, 2016, 09:13:41 PM
The neat thing about the book is how much it seems to change as you go along in your journey Out of the FOG. I read it at the very beginning and then when I re read it a year later it was like a whole new book! My old underlines and notes were old hat to me by then, and I gained a whole new set of highlights that resonate with me.
That's really interesting, Fiasco. I haven't yet bought it, but this makes me want to do so.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Fiasco on December 17, 2016, 04:02:28 PM
All4peace the first time I read it I was in so much mental anguish I think I was really focused on the most painful and outlandish behaviors in the book. I kind of glossed over a lot of the subtleties and nuances. It was like when you keep poking a bruise to see if it still hurts ;)

I was also initially not ready at all to see my dad (who did have the good sense to divorce BPDm after a short time) as anything but another victim. I think I was afraid I would come to find him somehow guilty and would lose the only halfway decent parent I had. The second time I read through I was ready to address the section of fathers and it did not harm my relationship with him at all, but I did gain some helpful insight on him.

I'm probably gearing up to read it again as I'm coming up on some extremely stressful interactions with BPDm before I move next year. If you (or anyone else) wants to have a mini book club about it in here I'm game.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Is This Normal on December 17, 2016, 04:28:05 PM
I'd love to do that, tho I've got to snag a copy first, & it's not cheap. About to go back to school & have to get out of the "I can buy whatever I want whenever" mentality.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Fiasco on December 17, 2016, 08:11:32 PM
Right? I eventually pointed out to myself that the book is cheaper than going out to dinner and drinks and probably a better choice for my dress size and my liver ;)
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Is This Normal on December 17, 2016, 08:36:32 PM
Haha!!  ;D

Yes, it's definitely a better investment! Cheaper than therapy & drugs too!

-ITN-
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Sunshine days on December 17, 2016, 09:33:01 PM
I have not read the book but i find all your comments interesting my mother is a hermit , I mean one who stays in the house forever , she use to be a queen but now she's a witch , could this be a horror story I am near the end of her life . I await my true freedom , these mothers are purely evil. Learning about this stuff has totally consumed my life, I nearly said ruined it, in some ways yes but in other ways I was a slow learner. Thanks to everyone on this thread who offers me love and understanding x
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: DJCleo on March 17, 2017, 08:47:41 PM
One of my favorites on BPD (if there can be such a thing)! I read it highlighter in hand, tears streaming down my face. It horrified me reading what I could so easily have written, words I have said, thoughts I have had so many times.

I didn't identify with the four types of fathers, as neither were around during mother's performances, but the mothers??  Oh yeah.  Mine was very much Queen/witch when I was growing up, and has evolved more into Waif/hermit as she's aged. I suspect that's because she realized the old behaviors simply don't work anymore. She doesn't have that power over our lives that she had when we were children.

I love that UTBM gives real time advice for how to manage yourself when faced with the various types. That's the first place I became aware of JADE - don't justify, argue, defend or explain your choices. She doesn't have to agree or understand??!  I don't have to keep explaining myself over and over?? Groundbreaking for me!

Thanks for reviewing this one!


My husband has explained about his upbringing often enough for me to say that this .... makes a lot of sense. The fact that sometimes the BPD exhibits different parts of the borderline mother traits at different times in her life makes total sense.

She's probably more of a hermit than when he was little, when they used to have friends (at least it seemed like it to my husband when he was small). She's more of a waif too, but she's been RAGING off and on during the wedding and then sometimes after. So she's still acting like the queen and witch, but at the same time, tries to pretend that she's made amends for things and tries to trick people more than she used to vs. just hit them when they were young.

My husband explains how once they were big enough to fight back, he did. My husband is extremely polite and warm and friendly, but he was extremely rebellious as a teen due to the bounceback of queen/witch mother being so controlling that his parents sort of gave up, according to my husband. They also talked to their kids *so* late about the facts of life and everything else that kids need their parents to talk to them about. It's so sad.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: DJCleo on March 17, 2017, 09:10:06 PM
https://thrivingisthegoal.com/2013/07/23/understanding-the-borderline-mother-part-i/

This is a link to a blog extrapolating on the Borderline Mother book.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: moglow on March 18, 2017, 05:49:54 PM
It is an incredibly difficult read, DJ, particularly in early days of facing that you have a borderline mother and accepting that everything really isn't all your fault [as you've likely been told all your life]. There are so many questions and emotions flying all over the place while reading, everything is crazy and makes sense all at the same time.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Hazy111 on April 08, 2017, 10:35:12 PM
I eventually bought this book about five years ago. As a man i thought it was aimed at daughters of borderlines, but it covers so much, sons of BPDS and also the men they marry.  I now have two copies. Although i find sometimes the fairy tale analogies a bit tiresome sometimes, its a tremendous book.

The scales fell from my eyes when i read it and i wept, finally someone had described my mother properly  and my childhood. I wasnt alone. Harrowing , painful and written with tremendous insight. The hardest thing to grasp is they are totally unaware of the pain they inflict.

All borderlines are narcissistic, so dont be put off by the title. If you read one book about narcissistic / BPD mothers read this one, it wont let you down.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: SmolderingDragon on April 09, 2017, 12:14:08 AM
DJCleo, thanks for that link!  I've been reading that blog for the past two days and it has given me a lot of insight. My PDm just might be BPD and not NPD, although it really doesn't matter. Abuse and irrational crazy behavior is still the same regardless of the label.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: carrots on April 09, 2017, 12:34:54 AM
Thanks for the longer explanation, all4peace.

Sounds as if I have a Witch M. And a combination of Huntsman and Fisherman for F. He's the only one apart from me in FOO with an official diagnosis: depression. Me, I have C-PTSD and a whole bunch of symptoms like depression and anxiety. But the rest aren't that healthy, they just have never been for diagnoses. Why bother? There's a SG, me, carrots. But I'm working on moving out of that role.

F believes his depression is solely 'biological' in origin. And is enraged about the sloppy language use of Borderline. 'Borderline what??' he rages. It would have to be Borderline Something Disorder, you would have to specify exactly what "borderline" is referring to. So while he's raging about 'bad and sloppy' language usage, he doesn't have to think about whether he could make other changes in life... or whether anybody other than SG carrots could be somehow at fault.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: DJCleo on April 12, 2017, 05:15:28 PM
I'd love to do that, tho I've got to snag a copy first, & it's not cheap. About to go back to school & have to get out of the "I can buy whatever I want whenever" mentality.


Is there anyone who has been able to get this book for less than $33.00 used on amazon?
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: all4peace on April 12, 2017, 05:55:49 PM
I'd love to do that, tho I've got to snag a copy first, & it's not cheap. About to go back to school & have to get out of the "I can buy whatever I want whenever" mentality.


Is there anyone who has been able to get this book for less than $33.00 used on amazon?
I found it through my local library system. Have you tried there?
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: DJCleo on April 19, 2017, 09:25:29 PM
No, but thank you all4peace!     I got it used. Maybe I can pass it on in a few years after hubby and I read it through. :) It takes me forever to read a book all the way through because I read so many books in chunks.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: DJCleo on April 19, 2017, 09:29:36 PM
DJCleo, thanks for that link!  I've been reading that blog for the past two days and it has given me a lot of insight. My PDm just might be BPD and not NPD, although it really doesn't matter. Abuse and irrational crazy behavior is still the same regardless of the label.

I've read that the "comorbidity" of personality disorders is up around 25-30%. That means around 25-30% of people with BPD typically have another personality disorder or mental illness such as NPD. Some have eating disorders, ADD or ADHD, etc. So.... I've also read that if you have a hard time figuring out "which PD it is", then it's likley that they have traits from both. Hopefully that helps you realize that BPDs are narcissistic anyways. Your PDm might have both.

I find it helps to know that it could be both since I kept going back and forth between the two. At any rate, you're right that crazy behavior is crazy behavior. My therapist isn't 100% sure that BPD is PD MILs diagnosis, but it's a good framework to use for dealing with her and we use his expertise with BPDs to help deal with her for sure.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Sunshine days on April 22, 2017, 08:00:49 AM
"Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship" by Christina Ann Lawson

I found this book very helpful and enlightening. I've been reading nearly nonstop about PDs, family systems and other psychological issues, and this book stands out from the group.

The book first describes the overall problems between borderline mothers and children (lack of trust, denial, making children feel bad with shame, anxiety, guilt and rage).

Then it talks about four types of borderline mothers:
Hermit
Waif
Queen
Witch

and how they each behave, as well as the damage done to the children of each type (they can overlap) and how to survive them. I felt that it was well written enough that when I got to the sections that most pertained to my mother, it was like reading directly about her, and one of them I couldn't stop crying it was so spot on and emotionally wrenching.

I would recommend this book
Thanks I am ready for this read, just about to order the book x
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: DJCleo on April 27, 2017, 04:54:44 PM
WOW. I've been skipping around to read certain parts of the book. I tend to do that when a book is soooooo long. That way, once I've read a few separate chunks, I won't feel like tackling the rest is so terrible. Weird, but that's me.

One particular page was SO EERIE. This is my MIL, not my actual mother that I'm reading about. The witch borderline. "the borderline mother insisted on planning her daughter's wedding". Somehow or another my BPD MIL did certainly assume she'd be planning my SILs wedding "with" SIL. However, PD MIL pretty much was trying to take over and SIL basically fought back, but chose to grovel towards the end to get her mom to behave. :(


I really identify much better with the parts of the book that explain about everything from a real-world perspective such as about Mary Todd Lincoln and her son and their difficult relationship.

Oi. What a read. I've only read certain chunks so far.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: moglow on April 27, 2017, 10:08:19 PM
I'm telling ya. It took a lot out of me and was a really hard read. Took me a while and a ton of tears to get there, but I faced many of my worst fears for the first time.

Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Sunshine days on April 29, 2017, 07:28:33 AM
I wanted to buy the book but it's 45
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: smarty on May 09, 2017, 03:01:27 PM
I also really recommend this book.
I read it, as a daughter myself of a BPDm, but for me the biggest effect was what i learned and realised about my father...I was expecting the obvious info about M but hadnt thought as much about F, and the role he played...like someone else here said,I saw him as a victim, as we children were, and didnt give him as much responsibility for what happened,even though he was an adult, our parent, and also should have stepped up but didnt. He was the 'good guy'.... i needed to believe in a good guy, someone to not hate and be angry at...he would never say or do what she did,he wasnt a bad person, true... but he also never intervened when it was clear we needed him to. So for me, confronting the uncomfortable reality that he was also complicit and responsible for us and for all that happened was my main takeaway from this book,and the hardest to accept...since I accepted not having a mom a long time ago.
I ordered a used copy, on the barnes&noble website, and it was cheaper and in perfect condition, so I recommend taking a look there...i think it was about 20$. I knew from all the reviews that even though its from 17 years ago it is still a good read and worth it to buy.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Hazy111 on May 09, 2017, 08:30:35 PM
Smarty,

Yes the father part is important too. Whay type of men marry BPDs , not all are narcs and how they just dont intervene to protect  their children. They are not there  emotionally, they usually have thir own issues which means theyre just not cut out to be good fathers.

 Mine was a narc of sorts and he just seemed to live in an emotional  bubble in our home. There could be WW3 going on  and he would just sit in the back room smoking , reading the paper. Passive and unemotional. I think he massively disassociated (tuned out) , now understanding it.  But then i think his mother was  BPD and he was raised in a very  unhappy household too, (lots of rows he said) so no one knew what was normal.

Plus that generation it was argued the mother did the child rearing, which the father was happy to go along with .

He never abused us like her,  I think they call it an "enabler". As long as he was getting his needs met he  just went along with my mother for an easy life. I dont think it entered his head about our needs. The only time he was emotional was about  money. I used to think of  him as a moral coward.

My sister recounted a story once when my mother was ranting at her for not having children . Extremely hurtful and my sister looked at him, but he just stood there and said nothing. Just waiting for it to blow over.

Brilliant book btw

Hazy111
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Moxie890 on May 23, 2017, 04:49:30 PM
Is this book sensitive to people who have chosen to go NC with a BPDm? Does it focus on self healing, or is it more focused on boundary setting and evolving one's relationship with their BPDm?
Thank you!
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Hazy111 on May 23, 2017, 06:38:47 PM
Hi Moxie,

Its a bit of both.

The book has a chapter on how to deal with each type of Borderline. I suppose that would be called "medium chill" on OOTF.

There is also a chapter at the end called "Living backwards " that deals with self healing. She also advises therapy for the children of BPD mothers.

If you were raised by a BPD mother i would say its essential reading regardless.

Id call it the  " Bible " on BPD mothers.

Hazy

Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: Moxie890 on May 23, 2017, 06:53:29 PM
Thanks Hazy!
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: Seven on December 27, 2017, 05:07:52 PM
Worth. Every. Dime.

Just got done reading this on behalf of my DH (he's not a reader, and if he does he has issues with comprehension).  It definitely describes MIL and FIL.  If i had paperclips to mark pages, I'd be marking every page, and be out of paperclips.

Got to the "witch" part and was going "nope.  Not her."  But then "oh, wait!!  Yep.  There it is!!"

MIL definitely hits all 4 types.  I'm just glad it confirms my suspicions that she is BPD.

I even read exerpts from the book to him (with his permission) on how do deal with the witch, especially after he hung up on her Christmas Day.  I told him he did the right thing.  Get away.

The good thing was, it wasnt coming from me.  I wasnt making up the solutions.  It was coming from a book i was reading straight from.
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: louisebt on December 28, 2017, 07:00:48 AM
Really solid book. I re-read this regularly at present to find new strategies to deal with my mother. Understanding she is predominantly hermit type with waifing as she gets older makes so much more sense how to deal with her behaviour.

I managed to find a second hand paperback copy off ebay. Good luck finding it, so annoying it seems to be out of print.
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: mangywolf on December 29, 2017, 11:11:58 AM
I got an Amazon gift card from my uBPD mother for Xmas. I bought this book with it. That felt pretty great. Thanks for the book mom. 8-)
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: all4peace on December 29, 2017, 11:50:50 AM
I got an Amazon gift card from my uBPD mother for Xmas. I bought this book with it. That felt pretty great. Thanks for the book mom. 8-)
Oh, the irony! :D
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: AliceNWonderland on January 14, 2018, 08:01:15 PM
I got an Amazon gift card from my uBPD mother for Xmas. I bought this book with it. That felt pretty great. Thanks for the book mom. 8-)
AWESOME :thumbup:
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: Fightsong on January 15, 2018, 06:22:15 AM
Oh God, hidden within the pages of this book are the truths of my life. It reminds me of the line ' strumming my pain with his fingers, telling my  life with his words'.  This book tells my life. it tells my goddam life.
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: louisebt on January 30, 2018, 07:12:38 PM
yeah I get that fightsong. When I read the hermit sections I was totally creeped out. It was like she had observed my childhood and then was writing about it in the third person. But I keep going back to it, it is gold in understanding how things operate with BPD mothers.
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: carrots on April 27, 2018, 06:54:25 AM
I had to buy a new copy too. Don't live in an English-speaking country so not available at library etc. I also used birthday money from FOO.  ;D

Just got it day before yesterday and couldn't put it down once started reading. Then got a bit triggered cuz as moglow (?) says upthread it's a hard read.

I knew from descriptions on here that M is a Witch, but the examples in the book also show Queen. What a combo! I think further reading and digesting is going to bring a few breakthroughs.
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: louisebt on March 16, 2019, 05:21:50 PM
Now my mother has passed, I would like to pass my copy of this book onto someone else whose need might be more urgent. It's a real gem. DM me. No charge except posting if international. Thanks
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: moglow on March 16, 2019, 05:26:07 PM
💜 that you're offering this, Louise - thats a pricey book but we'll worth it. I did the same with mine. Mother's not gone, but my need for UTBM is.
Title: Re: Understanding the Borderline Mother
Post by: NotFooled on September 19, 2019, 02:56:35 PM
It is an incredibly difficult read, DJ, particularly in early days of facing that you have a borderline mother and accepting that everything really isn't all your fault [as you've likely been told all your life]. There are so many questions and emotions flying all over the place while reading, everything is crazy and makes sense all at the same time.

It was painful read for me because of the emotionally abusive nature of my uBPD grandmother towards me as a child and how enmeshed my M was with her.  But it was one of the most eye opening books I've ever read.  The description of the "all good" and all bad child exactly described my M and her brother's issues as adults  to the point of being uncanny.  It helped with allot of questions I had all of my life.   
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: pipchick on November 16, 2019, 05:39:50 PM
I know this has been mentioned before on this thread, but this book is currently 36.05 on amazon.

That's for the kindle edition too, where you don't actually get a physical copy of the book.

I'm sorry but however good it is, that's a full week's wages for me, and I don't consider the pricing the behaviour of someone who wants to help others.
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: Whitesheep45 on December 01, 2019, 09:04:46 AM
I've only just learnt about this book and am really interested to read it esp the 4 types of bpd mother...
My m may fit them all I feel! Bless her
Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: Whitesheep45 on December 01, 2019, 09:38:56 AM
It seems she is more witch /Queen
Interesting to read the section on the f types too..

I have a king huntsman f

Title: Re: "Understanding the Borderline Mother"
Post by: snnetteC on December 04, 2019, 02:16:06 PM
nice book