Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: confuzzled duck on October 18, 2016, 10:18:21 AM

Title: work bonuses/ tickets and PD parents
Post by: confuzzled duck on October 18, 2016, 10:18:21 AM
Hi all - bit of a rant here

I work in the entertainment industry and as part of working there we regularly get free or greatly reduced tickets, for ourselves or friends and family.
Generally staff tickets get seated on tier 1 (floor level) the best seats. We have 3 tiers in our venue, 3rd tier being the worst seats (still a good view, but furthest from the stage).

Prior to 4 month ago, I was very much co-dependant with my 2 NPD parents (didn't know what NPD was at this point). Any tickets I got they would use unless they weren't interested or I expressly told them that I would be using them, even then there might be sulking until I give up my tickets to them and sneak in myself. They usually would repay me for the tickets by inviting me along to their pre show meal.

A couple of month ago we had Rocky Horror though, brilliant show and always sells out. Staff tickets were 2 tickets for one night and they would be in tier 3 (these tickets are worth 25 each, we got them for free). I was working the show so couldn't use the tickets myself. Offered them to parents who turned them down cause they didn't want to sit in tier 3. They asked if i could get them onto tier 1, I said "no we've only been offered tier 3". So they refused them, fair enough.
I offered them to my friend who loves seeing shows who leaped on them, she was so excited. It was a show she really wanted to see but couldn't afford it. I explained that they would be in tier 3, she said "So? they're free tickets to the best show in town!! Thankyou so much!!" I was a little taken aback by how happy and greatfull she was for these tickets.

I phone in to book the tickets, and the ticket office says they've just had a cancellation on tier 1, would I like those tickets instead.  I say yes that would be brilliant (these tickets are now worth 45). I tell my friend where to get the tickets and that they're now on tier 1. She gets even more excited!
My friends see the show, have a great time and both thank me over and over and buy me a pint.

A few days later I get a phone call from parents, among other things they ask about these tickets. Did I find anyone to use them? how for in the gods were the seats? I tell them that my friends had used them and due to a cancellation they'ed got on tier 1.  My parents go ballistic! "I'd told them that they were only for tier 3!" "why did I not tell them I'd got tier 1" "they would have used them if they knew I could get good seats" "why do I not check first before booking them?" "why do I never think things though before offering". I explain that I'd already given them to my friends who were happy to go in tier 3 when I got offered the cancelled seats in tier 1, but that's not good enough and the rest of the phone call is stunted and awkward.
Leaving me feeling really put about, and confused. I'd given my tickets to my friends (who were so greatfull) after my parents had refused them. Then parents had got annoyed that the tickets turned out better than originally thought, and were hinting that they were entitled to the better tickets.

Now I have some more shows coming up that I know I'll get tickets for, and parents will want to see. But after this, and learning about NPD I'm wary of offering them. My friends were so greatfull and happy, I'm wondering if that is the normal reaction where I'm so used to getting a flippant "oh yeh, thanks for the tickets, but we did buy you food"

Title: Re: work bonuses/ tickets and PD parents
Post by: daughter on October 18, 2016, 10:48:53 AM
I had many experiences of that "what you get for free is for ME" exercise in self-entitlement, in regards to my NBM's "rights" to my work-related comp'ed dinners, tickets, and business gifts.  As part of my employment perks, I received generous privileges meant for me and my immediate FOC, not by extended family, though policy wasn't rigidly enforced.  NBM, aware of these perks, expected that she (or both my parents) would always be invited to "share in".  As in "they're mine too", NBM often "claimed" tickets or meals for her personal enjoyment, without bother of including me, so risking that I'd get in trouble for not using perk myself.  The "free meals" component was eventually phased-out by my firm, but NBM refused to believe this, and continued to ask "when are you taking us to XYZ again; are you taking your friends instead!" for several years afterwards.  I'm sure NBM felt she was deprived of her right to fancy meals and great shows on my firm's dime.

In your situation, I'd stop mentioning those tickets.  If asked if you're getting tickets, I'd response with "I don't think so".  Ungracious recipients of generous gifts such as your comp'ed tickets don't deserve to be "rewarded" with more tickets yet.  Your parents have assumed those ticket-privileges are theirs to use at-will.  Like your parents, my NBM thought it was natural that she assume that these employment-related generous gifts were simply hers to consume, rather than earned by my hard work.     
Title: Re: work bonuses/ tickets and PD parents
Post by: SunnyandBright on November 14, 2016, 06:40:11 PM
I agree!  Stop offering!  Once they don't appreciate something - but just take it as their due,  that is the beginning of the end, in my opinion.   You had every right to stop giving them the tickets, simply because they don't act very grateful.   But the way they actually got mad over this --- that would be the end of it for me.   I'd probably just either tell them you're not getting them anymore (and I wouldn't even care if they thought I was lying -- sometimes in life, there are good reasons to lie) or I'd tell them they are bad seats, you know they wouldn't want them.  Ha!   
Title: Re: work bonuses/ tickets and PD parents
Post by: Zebrastriped on November 14, 2016, 07:36:00 PM
confuzzled duck, just in case there are more tickets in the pipeline, next time don't give them so much info.  More like, "Show was good, food was okay, friend was happy.  What did your fav movie star do now?"

"I don't have control or knowledge of the seating until we get there."

Save your efforts for people who are appreciative.  Don't worry, we are all learning here.
Title: Re: work bonuses/ tickets and PD parents
Post by: confuzzled duck on November 16, 2016, 12:18:59 PM
Hi all

Thanks for the replies.
I knew what was going to happen and it has.
I haven't mentioned tickets to the upcoming shows to either parent, but they've asked if I can get them some tickets anyway. As this year I'm technically working for someone else, I've told them I don't know what the deal is this year.
They said that "they've heard the Christmas show is selling out but they always hold some tickets back for staff don't they?"
I told them "I won't find out the deal until I start working for this new company." 
I lied, I've already been told there's free tickets and some discounted tickets, but I'm loath to give them what they feel entitled to. And yet I know that they will keep hinting that they "would so love to come see the show i'm working on."
I'm tempted to offer them the discount ones, so they still have to pa something and give the free ones to people who would appreciate them.

Title: Re: work bonuses/ tickets and PD parents
Post by: Iguanagos on November 16, 2016, 01:05:12 PM
Sometimes when establishing boundaries, we have to take baby steps.  You don't owe them anything, but if you feel this is a step in the right direction, then IMO that is progress.  I don't like being dishonest, but I also believe my penchant for honesty has been taken advantage of many times by others. Being totally honest with a PD often opens up a whole can of worms, and could make your life miserable. So if this 'little white lie' serves to better honor your own values and wishes regarding these tickets, I think that's fine. Just tell them the discounts are new policy and leave it at that.  Someday down the road you can amend that to be even further restricted if you wish.   If they're not willing to pay even for discounted tickets, then this whole issue may fade away over time.
Baby steps!   :applause:
Title: Re: work bonuses/ tickets and PD parents
Post by: bopper on November 16, 2016, 01:40:01 PM
1) Stop telling them about the events. 
2) Stop telling them who gets tickets
3) If you do, be vague. "Oh they enjoyed the show so much and were very appreciative."
4) If they ask, then say "I realized how ungrateful you came across when turned down the Rocky Horror seats and then it just happened that an upgrade was possible.  I am starting to share the tickets with more people who never get a chance to see shows and don't come across entitled."
Title: Re: work bonuses/ tickets and PD parents
Post by: tommom on November 17, 2016, 02:30:47 PM
Sorry you're going through this, confuzzled duck. I also had a BPD/NPDm (my dad was, gratefully, a non) so I get it entirely. However, sad as it sounds, I finally just learned to lie. I am not a liar -I tell the truth scrupulously, but not to her. I did not lie to the world in general, just to her. I prepared my lies in advance and just learned to do it with a straight face. My h (who is also BPD/NPD, but with more social skills) couldn't understand at first why I lied to her, until he saw her in action. People really don't get it unless they know. It took about two years before my husband said: "Is she TRYING to make you lie to her?" Never knew. (She's been dead now for over ten years.)

I assume you can't simply ignore the issue (always my first choice). My second was to be vague ("I don't know, I'll have to check" "Oh,I forgot to ask." etc) then...I'd just lie. The seats could always be undesirable to them (even if they aren't), etc. Never let them know they were good seats, just let them always be bad ones. I would be over-the-top about saying things like "I want you to have the good seats." "I waited to get good ones and now they are all gone!" things like that. Narcs eat junk like that up.  I know that isn't "Setting and standing up for your boundaries" but I always learned to pick my battles with the PDs in my life. The battle with PDs often are NOT winnable. How I coped. How I still do sometimes with the other PDs in my life.

Narcs kind of live in an alternate reality, where no one else matters. I learned to simply say to myself:"I don't matter. As much as that hurts, I will return that in kind and give to others who need or appreciate it." In the beginning I felt mean, but I realized that the narc is sort of getting what they ask for. And they always "ask" (read demand or take there) too much. They'll take everything.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Many of us on here understand completely.

Best of luck.