Out of the FOG

Getting Started => The Welcome Mat => Topic started by: fogcity on January 19, 2017, 09:12:02 AM

Title: common behaviors...
Post by: fogcity on January 19, 2017, 09:12:02 AM
Hello everyone. I just stumbled onto this site by typing in irrational behavior relationships in Google. Having been married for 11 years, and 3 kids later, it only makes sense to call it Paranoid Personality Disorder. At my older sons' wedding she accused me at the church of flirting with the women. At a family reunion she accused me constantly of flirting with my cousins. She badmouths my older kids to me because I spend time with them. She calls my female employees sluts and whores. I had to step down as President of Toastmasters because she said all I did was flirt with all the women. I had to step down from being a board member of the Spina Bifida Association because she accused me of wanting to 'get' with the executive director and one of the national representatives, both of whom were married and with kids, and both of whom were in our local chapter. We had agreed if I went alone to the national training out of state that we could compromise by me purchasing annual passes to disney world because it was too expensive for her to tag along. It cost me over $1600 for the tickets, (the trip to the training was paid for by the organization.) Once I arrived at the training, her paranoia began, constantly accusing me being inappropriate. When I got back, I just wrote a letter to the organization asking to step down. This is only the tip of the iceberg of the past 11 years of marriage.
Now I have been diagnosed with 3 herniated discs. As a result, I can not work. She refuses to get a job, and has stated so. She got angry because I have a female doctor. She got angry when the doctor suggested massage therapy was important to help me, and that I went to get a massage. Someone suggested Pilates, so I asked my doctor, and she said that would be great. When I got home and told my wife, she completely exploded in irrational banter about how they are sluts and all they want to do is put their hands all over me, and that I was desparate to get better and was willing to do anything including being inappropriate. I am talking mildly here. The words she uses are far more descriptive and accusatory. When she found out by me that I had a meeting with a publisher for a book I am working in, she got mad that I was probably talking to a sexy woman in my office. I corrected her and told her it was a meeting at a Panera restaurant, in public, and the 'sexy woman' was a 65 year old individual. (I'm not saying 65 is non sexy, I'm just relating to the paranoia of my wife and her viewpoint that all women I deal with are sex craved sluts and whores who's sole purpose is to get me away from her, and that all I want to do is screw all women I connect with.)

Anyway, that is a brief summary of what I am dealing with. I had to walk out last night and get out. Here rageful outbursts cause my back muscles to go into spasms, causing my lower back to increase in pain. As well, the irrationality of her verbage is beyond what I can deal with. Her absolute refusal to get a job all the while demanding I keep providing is irrational in and of itself, since she has seen me stuck on the floor in extreme pain for more than 3 days at a time, just recently.She knows everything. She is in the loop on everything. She has keys to my office, has full access to all finances, both accounts and all reports, comings and goings. I have always maintained an open book relationship with her. I hide nothing from her, and for Christmas, inspite of my medical issues, I bought her a new minivan, a very overdue necessity. Even so, her irrational paranoia blocks any kind of rational thought processes in her, and I just don't know what else to do but leave. We have tried the medication racket years ago, but she doesn't believe there is anything wrong with her, so she just stops. Believe me, I've tried oh so many things.
Thanks for letting me vent. Her only solution is for me to not leave so she can prove it won't happen again. Yeah, I've heard that 100's of times. We've tried incentive programs, I've bribed her. She begs me to beat her, which I tell her absolutely not. Nothing works. I've tried paying her extra money over and above what she gets if she behaves for a week at a time, that doesn't work. We do 3 day weekend getaways. Nothing works. I just took her to breakfast yesterday morning on a date, had planned a datenite for tonite, constantly finding ways to have a relationship with her. Nothing works. The irrationality just explodes wherever, whenever. She absolutely refuses to believe there is anything wrong, and that I am the one with the problem, screwing up her 'stability'. We don't have sex anymore she screams. Yeah, she's been sick for the past 3 weeks, until I basically forced her to go to the doctor, so she could get the medicine she needed to start getting better. While, in the meantime, her irrational paranoia drives us apart. But, since, to her, there is nothing wrong, I am the one who is always 'mad' at her, she feels we are distant and she is not getting the closeness she needs to feel secure. hogwash.
Title: Re: common behaviors...
Post by: coyote on January 19, 2017, 02:14:42 PM
Welcome yo OOTF. I came here with a story similar to your. I think my W is also PPD. If not for this site we would be divorced or one us us would have ended up in the hospital or jail. I love her but could not live with her before. I can only say what has worked for me. Please realize though that this is just me and our situations are different. I am financially independent and in overall good health. I am also probably more comfortable with conflict than others. Still here goes:

I learned a lot from the Toolbox here. I learned that I can't expect her to change but I can change my responses. As I changed my response the reactions I got from her changed. So I learned to set Boundaries against and verbal or physical abuse. I learned how not to JADE and avoid Circular Conversations but not JADEing and using Medium Chill.

I also got a lot of good feedback from folks on the Committed to Working on It and the Chosen Relationships boards. I learned a lot from others' stories. This is a very non judgemental, supportive community. I am sorry you need us but glad you found us. It is not an easy road and will take a lot of practice and hard work on your part. It is very empowering though to learn how to change our responses.