Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships => Topic started by: Kit99 on March 26, 2017, 11:35:25 PM

Title: Parenting guilt
Post by: Kit99 on March 26, 2017, 11:35:25 PM
I am moving back to my home state to be closer to family and support. The kids will continue to live with me and see their dad every other weekend, so the parenting schedule isn't changing. That being said, my exH accuses me of trying to erase him from their lives and is pushing for full involvement in their school and daycare selections in my new city (mind you this is the same man who didn't contact our current daycare for a year to see what was happening in the kids' classrooms, and didn't call the children for a year despite having approval to do so). Now he's back on his good dad routine and has taken interest in the kids for a few months now- not cancelling parenting time, etc.

WHY oh why oh why do I feel guilty and heartbroken for leaving and starting fresh?!  I feel guilty that the boys won't have the father they deserve but I've also been told by my son's psychologist that limiting their time with him will be in the kids' best interest. I still feel bonded with the "good side" of my exH and I feel disloyal or something by moving. Mind you, we didn't live in our previous location long and I only moved there under the false promise that he would get psychiatric help (he went kicking and screaming, said he hated me and wished he never married me and blamed his behavior on everyone else- particularly me), and that he would keep his act together and treat me and the kids with kindness and respect consistently (didn't happen). We just continued the jeckyl and Hyde rollercoaster until I finally left.  I think this is some sort of trauma bond but honestly I don't know. I used to feel so confident and healthy, but now every time I look in the mirror I see someone who is defeated, sad, and carrying a world of worry and guilt beneath the surface.

Does it ever get better? My oldest son said his daddy cried because he doesn't get much time with our kids anymore and it broke my heart. At the same time I was very angry because how dare my exH feel sorry for himself and the consequences after being so horrible to us (verbal abuse, drugs, lies, manipulation, etc.).  He's his own worst enemy.
Title: Re: Parenting guilt
Post by: Medowynd on March 27, 2017, 06:10:54 AM
Your sons will be much happier in the long run.  I grew up wishing my father would divorce my unPDM.  Never happened, but I finally had to go NC because I couldn't stand her constant belittling of my father.  Even to his deathbed she was making sarcastic remarks.  I know this is off topic, but don't feel guilt for your sons missing time with their father.  If it is important to him, he will be there for them.  But, that change in lifestyle is just about impossible for PD people to maintain.  I know you are feeling sad and defeated, but the days will be brighter and your family will be there for you.