Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: 4mya on August 01, 2017, 10:53:20 AM

Title: Value statement
Post by: 4mya on August 01, 2017, 10:53:20 AM
I have a assignment to write a mission or value statement for the reason for interaction between my family (husband daughter and me) to my biological family members (several have PD's mainly NPD and BPD).
I am considering going NC if my boundaries are not respected but due to the fact that my T knows I am not entirely ready to go NC she is having me do the value statement and very clear boundaries around interactions with each of them.
Do any of you have experience with this? I am finding it very difficult because the more I sit with the value/intention for interactions ...I can't find one.  :unsure:
Maybe "for my daughter to know her GM at some level" ...?
Title: Re: Value statement
Post by: Fightsong on August 01, 2017, 03:03:09 PM
huh, like a pros and cons list maybe? I'm not sure I understand. I think I would find this really hard .. Journalling might be good - allows you to write more free flow without the 'thinking' bit.  Have you tried it?
Title: Re: Value statement
Post by: 4mya on August 01, 2017, 03:23:17 PM
I have more clarity now. It is really my boundaries... what level of interaction I am comfortable with. After having my baby I have confusion about her seeing her cousins ect.
It just is clarity on what value I see in having interactions with the family now.  I have a lot of guilt and obligation to go back into the family that I am sorting through after having my baby.

But each interaction so far has been toxic for me. The message is: I am not allowed to have my own life separate from the family.
Title: Re: Value statement
Post by: SaltwareS on August 01, 2017, 04:17:50 PM
Hard to say what your T is driving towards. If you're finding that you want more distance between you and your foo, I could understand that.

I would say maybe your T is trying to get you to evaluate each time you get together with your foo, whether that is a good time for you to visit, and whether you even want to visit. I wonder if there is a controlling relationship in there somewhere - maybe you get together with them when they decide and not when you decide. And if you say no, this is not a good time to get together maybe you fear the blowback from them?

If your relationship with your foo has gotten really lopsided where they get their needs met but you get very few of your needs met, then sure I can see your T's assignment as trying to get you to excavate your needs.

But because your T asked you to write down what you get out of being part of the foo, that's a little odd. A foo is a primal relationship and part of life and basic survival in many cases to be part of a clan. If you want to go NC down the line, that is totally up to you.

But pushing you to go NC is improper for a T to do. In my opinion.
Title: Re: Value statement
Post by: daughterofbpd on August 01, 2017, 04:20:37 PM
Hi 4mya,

Congrats on your baby and on setting healthy boundaries. Having my first baby brought me to this forum as well.

I think I know what you mean. I was able to come up with a list of reasons why I’d rather not go NC but I couldn’t come up with any positive reasons for having my parents in my life. The relationship is very superficial and I don’t get anything from them (support, help, etc). Now that I look over the list again, it is pretty sad.

Reasons for not going NC:
1.   Not ready to give up relationship with Dad
2.   obligation & guilt
3.   I want to view the relationship with “new eyes” – now that I know the diagnosis, I can record interactions and try to remember and make sense of details I maybe didn’t pay attention to or didn’t remember before. I am questioning myself too much now. I need answers.
4.   I want to feel like I tried everything in my power to save the relationship before ditching it (to minimize my feelings of obligation & guilt).
5.   I probably wouldn’t see my sister as often.
6.   Going NC might be more work & more stress than staying in contact.

I suppose if we don’t get anything positive from someone, there’s no real reason to keep them in our lives…except I think its hard with family. I think a part of me still thinks there’s got to be some positive there I’m not seeing and maybe I’ll discover it someday.
Title: Re: Value statement
Post by: SaltwareS on August 01, 2017, 05:08:04 PM
Wow! I really like #3 and #6. Wish I'd thought of those way back when I was prepping for NC and freaking out about it.
Title: Re: Value statement
Post by: 4mya on August 01, 2017, 06:41:35 PM
"I would say maybe your T is trying to get you to evaluate each time you get together with your foo, whether that is a good time for you to visit, and whether you even want to visit. I wonder if there is a controlling relationship in there somewhere - maybe you get together with them when they decide and not when you decide. And if you say no, this is not a good time to get together maybe you fear the blowback from them?

If your relationship with your foo has gotten really lopsided where they get their needs met but you get very few of your needs met, then sure I can see your T's assignment as trying to get you to excavate your needs."

Yes this is exactly what my T is doing. And yes I fear the blowback the guilt trips from my family when stating what is safe for me at this time. I am (when in relationship with foo in past controlled and present I just lie to get out of seeing them- this has been my way of dealign with the crazy to get away through saying "I am busy")
After 3 years of working with my T I became very sick while pregnant and could not work with her. I had LC  with foo and went vLC for several years.  NC it is up to me but my T has mentioned that with the amount of PD's in my family and I can get confused when interacting with them - Not stay true to what I want at all and bend to what they want - that I could consider NC only if that is what I want (my words not my T's exact words- she is very careful not to push NC - but has mentioned it as a future option).
thank you for the reply I do appreciate any feedback so I do not feel so alone in this.  :)
Title: Re: Value statement
Post by: 4mya on August 01, 2017, 06:49:11 PM
Thank you-- daughterofbpd

your post has helped me a lot. when I look at my list it is similar to yours.

IT is hard I think just really knowing that I am not "taking my daughter away" (she is 7 months now) that I am doing this because any other way is not healthy for me as her mother. TO be involved takes me away from being the best mom to her I can be.
The more distant I am the better in all of my relationships I become- I have experienced this when going vLC before her birth. My husband has confirmed this with me many times. After a 10 min interaction with my mom it can take me a long time to feel stable again.
I am 100% committed to working with my T on the traits I have picked up from being in this family mainly my Co-dependent issues that still exist even when I separate from foo.
It is almost like a part of me still wants  validation or permission to go vLC or NC with foo relationships.