Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: AdultChildinthefog on September 28, 2017, 05:14:40 PM

Title: Medium Chill and what to do when you have to eventually tell them something
Post by: AdultChildinthefog on September 28, 2017, 05:14:40 PM
I've been OOTF for just over a year, using MC and LC with my uPD parents.  I'm curious what everyone's tactics are when they are using medium chill with their PD parents and then need to eventually tell them about a big change such as moving.  We are planning on moving and have not let on to my uPD parents about the up coming move.  I'm getting really nervous and anxious about having to share the information. I am anxious that they are going to call me a liar and berate me for "keeping secrets" from them, tell me "Oh, we're not important enough to share this kind of information".  How do I eventually tell them and keep the drama to a minimum?
Title: Re: Medium Chill and what to do when you have to eventually tell them something
Post by: moglow on September 28, 2017, 05:25:25 PM
Not being up to date on your particular situation, but I tell mine when it's done. She's not been to or shown any interest in where/how I live for a number of years now so in all honesty, it ain't her stuff. If I tell her ahead of time she beats it to death with 1000s of useless questions, problems, worst case scenarios I don't need. I just keep reminding myself that I have enough on my plate without her leftovers, and plan accordingly. Need to know basis, that's what I share now. But that's just me.
Title: Re: Medium Chill and what to do when you have to eventually tell them something
Post by: FromTheSwamp on September 28, 2017, 06:02:32 PM
I was trained to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  Which was mighty convenient for my parents and their manipulations.

I am trying to relearn this behavior.  I am teaching myself to share what I choose to, when I choose to.  Sometimes I get a little silly with it.

If you have enough space between you and the PDs, and they don't have a lot of alternative sources of information on you, consider telling them that you are going to be moving, but wait until you have finished moving.  It would avoid the "why didn't you tell us sooner" and make all their questions and digs about your decisions relatively powerless.   
Title: Re: Medium Chill and what to do when you have to eventually tell them something
Post by: daughter on September 28, 2017, 06:37:16 PM
Our 1st house-purchase was in my parents' neighborhood; we stayed for nearly a decade - and truly suffering from that close daily contact.  But we urgently needed better schools, wanted shorter commute, and could afford a nicer house, so we found our 2nd house, signed purchase contract, and THEN told my parents ("better school, shorter commute, wonderful house").  2nd house was 15 minutes drive from 1st house; we were in same municipal area, easy drive, just not "24/7 access" adjacent.  My NF was blase, but NBM was nail-spitting furious, offended, and upset about "what her friends would say" (yes, about our move).  NBM was so furious her barrage of outrageous behavior and undeniable attacks prompted my 1st NC period ever, and as later disclosed, my parents suddenly "gifting" nsis their very expensive vacation home, secretly starting NBM's Disinheritance of Daughter campaign.  First NC was several months long, then I reconciled and barely survived a decade more of my version of LC/MC (normal contact for everyone else, including all holidays, birthdays, and lots of family dinners w/NBM and NF), NBM's bad behavior and blatant disfavor becoming more obvious and difficult to ignore/tolerate.  So 2nd NC period ensued 5+ years ago, as much recognition of my Outsider Status, my NBM already tacitly shunning me for most part, as conscious life-safety measure of mine.

So I've little advice to share, other than to be prepared for your PD parents' expressed anger, rage, and expressed disappointment, in manners large and small, but to note, it's not our responsibility to "make mom happy", nor to "obey dad", even if our pd-disordered parents act as if that's in fact our 1st duty in life forever.  All we can say, in response is: "sorry you feel that way, but this is something we need to do."

Title: Re: Medium Chill and what to do when you have to eventually tell them something
Post by: SheKnowsBest on September 28, 2017, 08:49:02 PM
What about sending a neat little change of address card after all is said and done. When they inquire as to why you hadn't told them earlier..."Oh, didn't I? You know, we have been so busy, it must have slipped my mind. Now you know!" I realize they may be unhappy with that response, but honestly, does it matter? You are happy about your move, it has nothing to do with them, and that should be that. "Mom. I am not sure why you would be upset about this. Let's move on."

Oh, and congrats!
Title: Re: Medium Chill and what to do when you have to eventually tell them something
Post by: moglow on September 28, 2017, 08:56:20 PM
 :yeahthat:  Short, sweet, to the point - and after the fact. It's happening regardless, why engage a debate?
Title: Re: Medium Chill and what to do when you have to eventually tell them something
Post by: WomanInterrupted on September 29, 2017, 01:42:56 AM
SheKnowsBest really DOES know best, in this case.   :)

I think that's a fantastic idea!

You are going to be very busy, and if your mom is the type to stir up drama about nothing, it's best to keep her out of the loop until all is said and done.

You'll already BE there and she won't be able to try to change your mind, complain that you need to  move closer to her, move IN with her, buy a house for ALL of you, insist *her room* has an en suite bathroom, or any of the other nonsense they're known to pull.

If she blows up after she gets the change of addy card and doesn't like your explanation of thinking you'd already mentioned it, try chuckling and saying, "Well, it's not like I need your permission.  You're not my parole officer - and I have to get going.  I'm still very busy getting things set up."

I recommend chuckling or tittering because that's the *last* thing they expect.  They're used to pushing our buttons, so we wind up as upset as they are - which is what they want and why Medium Chill is so effective.

So is laughter - not a mean, vicious laugh, but a little light laughter to prove you *are not taking any of this seriously* - including the browbeating she's giving you.   :meh:

It'll blunt her fangs.   :)

If she accuses you of hiding things or keeping secrets, again, laugh it off with, "I just forgot, that's all.  And now you're just being silly!"

I'd end the call ASAP after that.  You don't need to hear more of the same old garbage.

Title: Re: Medium Chill and what to do when you have to eventually tell them something
Post by: Blueskies on September 29, 2017, 07:18:23 AM
You are under no obligation to tell them anything. Whatever reaction they have to what you do or do not tell them is not your responsibility. If they berate or attack you about it, I would leave or get off the phone. If you do want to tell them, tell them when it's done and keep it functional. But I would not put up with any nastyness on their part....I now have a zero tolerance policy on abusive behaviour. Put the phone down, leave, whatever it takes to give the message that you are not a punching bag. Thats just my approach. Moving is stessful enough...you don't need them making it worse. Tell them when you are ready. If necessary get a postal redirect so u don't even have to tell them straight away.

If asked why you didn't tell them say you didn't want to worry them
Title: Re: Medium Chill and what to do when you have to eventually tell them something
Post by: smarty on September 29, 2017, 09:45:44 AM
Ive had this exact same situation too...where im MC but dont know how to maintain MC effectively when it comes to pretty big events like wedding,pregnancy announcements, and moving. Its hard! Because its easy to be MC about most things in life,but not these...and if youre too MC about something like the birth of a child,or marriage it makes you look like some kind of weirdo who doesnt think these things are a big deal when obviosuly they are! :doh: so its hard to keep up the grey rock facade.
I dont really have answers for you tbh...just showing my support and that I feel same as you in confusion about how to proceed in these moments. Usually I reach out to my siblings and they give me pretty good advice on how I could proceed...usually some kind of middle ground. So I involve 'queens' in the announcement usually, but when Im ready, by email(mass email,not personal), and giving only essential info nothing extra or uneccessary. So far its been ok,even though obviously I know they expect special treatment,and a personal announcement and to know things before others ahead of time.
Title: Re: Medium Chill and what to do when you have to eventually tell them something
Post by: Spring Butterfly on September 29, 2017, 10:30:08 AM
Keeping secrets or having anything personal you don't share is often viewed as betrayal when it's nothing of the sort. It's quite normal to live your life and let others in on your life events at the point in time you wish to share. In most nonPD families this is ok as it should be with adult offspring when parents recognize their proper place. Once I got comfortable designing my new life and attitude MC and beinig nonJADE got way easier. So it might help to get comfortable and embrace your adulthood as a separate and individual family.

Here's my experience for what it's worth. It may be a bigger picture than you need to answer this question but it may help in your journey.

In my case any information not offered immediately or even prior was wrong and I was harrassed and abused for withholding no matter how soon I shared. All decisions DH hand I made we're expected to be discussed with uPDm and enF prior to making a decision and as early in the planning stages as possible. If uPDm could've had a Borg implant in my head it wouldn't have been enough, that's how enmeshed things were. So I gave up since it didn't matter how soon I shared it was never soon enough.

Years before coming Out of the FOG I'd just bite the bullet and in a casual voice say 'oh by the way we're doing x' and tolerate the onslaught. After coming Out of the FOG I stopped the onslaught in it's tracks with some strong MC words indicating they don't get to be part of DH and I decision making. 

So my point is whenever you choose to communicate your move, realize communicating a move at all is first a courtesy and not required. Be confident and really feel this within yourself. Break from the training you were raised with and your communication will follow your internal ownership of yourself and your life. Responses to others including your parents will come from within the more you own it.
Title: Re: Medium Chill and what to do when you have to eventually tell them something
Post by: bopper on September 29, 2017, 05:53:07 PM
With "normal" parents of course you would let them know what is going on.. you might discuss various houses you have seen and what the neighborhood is like.  They would be happy for you or maybe a little upset but realize that you need to do what you need to do.

With PD parents, you are changing THEIR life (according to them)...They think you are part of them, so how could you move without telling them or how could you want to move...they don't want to move so why would you want to move? IF you move, it is because you want to injure them. And they will get you back.

Moving is stressful enough with out PD drama.
First, decide if you even want to tell them where you live.
If you do, then do you want a PO Box for htem?
Or if you do tell them, tell them after you have moved in.
If you have moved, they can't try to talk you out of it.
Be prepared for them to disparage and devalue  your new place...