Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: Redbeech123 on September 28, 2017, 06:17:05 PM

Title: Support not!!!
Post by: Redbeech123 on September 28, 2017, 06:17:05 PM
I recently have gone VLC with my mother. After the straw that broke the camels back when she invited my ex husband who left the country 5 years ago leaving me and my three children to get on with it into her house when he turned up on her doorstep. Apparently they had a lovely visit.
She then told me that she was never helping my kids again because my son left his job to go to college.
In the roller-coaster of family life things are very stressful right now and I was enjoying the peace from my mother. I've been trying to fix bursaries, work full time and support my daughter who's at a bit of a crossroads as to what she wants to do with her life.
So last night my son had a seizure. Never had one before gave us all such a fright. Turns out one of the minerals in his body was low and with a good diet and rest he'll be fine. His job that he left was very stressful. It was an apprenticeship in a hairdressers. He shared with me that the atmosphere was toxic. He was being bullied not getting tea breaks basically used. My daughter works at another branch of the same firm and is desperate to leave.
I'm so glad he's out of there and can heal rest and eat decently. It's spurred my daughter into saying enough is enough too.
So I'm just back from my sons. Filled the kitchen with food and I've left him and his girlfriend snuggled up at the TV.
I've just had a text from my mother. She'd spoken to my son but texted that she wants to discuss it with me. I texted back that I knew she had spoken to my son and has the same information that I have.
I've just put my bum on a seat and I get a text saying "why have you withdrawn from me?"
I feel like crying. I'm stressed exhausted and I need support. I can't even bring myself to answer.
Title: Re: Support not!!!
Post by: FromTheSwamp on September 28, 2017, 06:23:57 PM
"Why have you withdrawn from me?" is the kind of question I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I'd answer something along the lines of "I'm exhausted.  I'm off to bed."  And I'd wait a little before I texted it.  That sort of response seems to work better with my BPD mother than anything else I've tried.  It's not an outright rejection, but it says clearly that I'm not going to talk about whatever it is right now. 
Title: Re: Support not!!!
Post by: Blueskies on September 29, 2017, 05:39:27 AM
'Why have you withdrawn from me?' is a loaded, blamey question implying that the 'me' is innocent and you are mysteriously 'withdrawing' and it's very naughty. Looks like she's baiting you for an argument so she can unload. A 'normal' person would not ask that...they might say 'Is everything okay? I'm worried I've upset you.'

Give yourself some space before you decide what you want to do. If you want to spell it out I wouldn't text it...I'd email or write. BUT in my experience this just gets messy. My M has the 'I can behave however I want and how dare you have a problem with it!' mentality. If you give her some space maybe she'll try and approach from a less accusatory angle...

A simple answer is 'I don't like the way you are behaving and treating my son'. Decide what you need to do for you. You do not have to explain yourself.
Title: Re: Support not!!!
Post by: Redbeech123 on September 29, 2017, 08:38:14 AM
Thank you for your advice folks. It just drums home the point to me that I already knew. There is no support.
My role is to look after her. She is adding to my load. Not lightening it.
She doesn't really care about me or her grandchildren.
I think I have enough on my plate.
I've not answered and at the moment I've no desire to.
This woman is a pampered spoilt princess who has never been confronted about her behaviour.
For the sake of me and my family I need to be done. It's how I've felt for the last few weeks and it's never really wavered.
Onwards and upwards.
Title: Re: Support not!!!
Post by: Spring Butterfly on September 29, 2017, 09:21:24 AM
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of what you already have and being a good mom and supporting your children. Tending to your own needs and the needs of your immediate family is not withdrawing and is nothing to take personal. Be confident in your own boundaries and focus on what you have decided is your top priorities.
Title: Re: Support not!!!
Post by: daughter on September 29, 2017, 10:54:48 AM
Not every text, email, and voicemail requires an answer, ever.  Sometimes silence is the best answer.  If your mother can't compute that you are disappointed that she's recently entertained your xDH in her home, then she's no grasp of "boundaries" and "good judgment".  You don't need to "explain yourself", but you're absolutely justified in maintaining those boundaries and new detachment.
Title: Re: Support not!!!
Post by: moglow on September 29, 2017, 04:58:33 PM
...I get a text saying "why have you withdrawn from me?"I feel like crying. I'm stressed exhausted and I need support. I can't even bring myself to answer.

My immediate response - "I'm sorry - what? It's been a trying day/week/year for me. I'm not sure what you're asking." Doesn't really matter how she responds to it, you're just letting her know you have stuff and no idea what wall her question pinged off of. Not yours to fix for her regardless, but this apparently isn't a new thing with her. STILL not yours to fix.