Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: moglow on October 26, 2017, 01:40:18 AM

Title: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: moglow on October 26, 2017, 01:40:18 AM
There've been several discussions here lately that have had me nodding my head, sharing similar experiences, commiserating over the sheer stupidity of it all, and trying to help find the courage to do what I/we know is best for me/us.  I just wanted to share the latest moglow chapter with y'all...

For the uninitiated, my mother is presumed B/H/NPD [... jklmnop, I don't know what it is really, but she pings hard in more than one of the overdramatic PDs].  As with most of you, this isn't a new thing - there's no one incident or confrontation, but decades of abusing others and poor choices on her part. But it's always somebody else's fault, something was done to her or somebody talked about her and "I don't know where this comes from!"  Over and over ad nauseum, all my life.

Apparently mommie dearest has once again had the epiphany that she needs to "do something" about her non-relationship with my oldest brother [henceforth #1].  To my knowledge they've had little to no contact in a number of years.  We don't talk about her other than very rare brief exchanges.  He does consent to exchange occasional texts, but that's so he doesn't have to hear her voice [!].  #1's not a warm and fuzzy kind of guy on the best of days, and she's pushed him and his children aside too many times for him to fall for her bs now.  There again, she always has some piss poor excuse for why they are the way they are [or not, as the case may be], same as with her limited relationship with the rest of us. 

Anyhoo, she's been having joint issues for several years now, talks about it every time you speak with her pretty much to the exclusion of all else.  Last year she had her doctor send #1 [also a doctor] xray reports, to see what he thought.  Her joints are bad, really bad, and they're recommending replacement.  But no, she wants to talk about it. And talk about it. Then talk about it some more.  If it's that bad, and three doctors say replacement, nothing else is helping, well ... do something. 

About a monthago or more like two months now, mother called brother #1, wanting to talk about the reports.  Me:  Wait - you sent them a year ago and are just now asking him about them, you didn't talk to him then??? Yeah, I got silence when I asked, then a snipey response that she had other things on her mind.  But you sent him the reports and went round the fucking bend with ME over xray reports that I can't interpret because I'm not a doctor, on the day I've had oral surgery and am having a bad reaction to pain meds ... Whatev.  But according to mommie dearest, #1 just blew up for no reason when they talked this time, said they've not talked more than a dozen times in the 40 years since he moved out of her house at 17.  My brain says:  This is not new news.  A "dozen" may even be a generous estimate.  But noooooo!  In her mind this all came out of nowhere and makes no sense. He lit into her and was "an angry young man" [he's 57, by the by] for no reason whatsoever. 

So wait.  You call your son after years of near silence, asking what he thought about xrays and what you should do, and he launched into ancient history with no provocation whatsoever?  Bro #1?  Nuh uh, I ain't buying it. He doesn't talk to her for a reason - he cringes at the sound of that sniping venomous tone, the snotty way she phrases things to people, like they're beneath her.  He does, I do, other people do.  It's clear as a bell and no mistaking it.  He just doesn't put up with or make excuses for it.  He calls her on the way she talks to him, cuts her off at the pass and either redirects or ends the call.  Thing is, she told me all this WEEKS ago, brought it all up again tonight for reasons I'm not clear.  Her parting shot last time implied that he'd cut her off and since I work for him it's a package deal.  :dramaqueen:

BUT, the piece de resistance, and I will quote this one:  "Somebody has been feeding his anger, and I haven't been talking to him. So it has to be coming from somewhere else.  The only connection between me and your brother is YOU." Silence.  Cold dead silence while I let her word settle around me.  Is she HIGH??  So my brain [and some of my mouth] says - You're actually saying *I* am the problem between you and your son??!!  That even though you admittedly haven't spoken to him in you don't know how long, your daughter is somehow to blame for the breakdown?  I'm the common denominator in YOUR relationship with your son?? You've said and done nothing here that might explain what happened between you - it's all "somebody else"??  That relationship is between the two of you, I'm not in it and never have been.  Matter of fact, I've said many times I am not going to be caught in the middle here.  If you have a problem with him you need to talk to HIM.  And again she comes back with, I work for him, manage his office, so "somebody" must be talking.  Oh hell no.  I am not buying what she's selling.

I damn near lost it and apparently she realized just how incredibly stupid it sounded.  Or she realized she just mortally pissed me off, she started backpedaling pretty fast.  She detoured and I let her, marking it in my mind for future reference so I could return to it the next time she brings it up.  Because you know and I know that she will.  But yeah.  She basically ignores and/or abuses her own son most of his life, but when he steps up and tells her he's done and he cut her out years ago, it's MY fault.  Yeah.  Whatever helps you sleep at night ...
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: PinkDress on October 26, 2017, 01:52:26 AM
So you became the SG (probably have been before too) so mumsies never has to admit the problem is HER.  :stars: :doh:

I'm sorry you're traveling through this, while there is some stuff that's so out there I had to laugh at it, this is seriously crazy stuff to muck through. Hugs, friend.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: moglow on October 26, 2017, 02:08:33 AM
Thx, Pink - it really sounds as crazy outside as it does in my head?? The mind boggles.

Yeah fuck all that noise she's spewing.  I've never been the golden child, and frankly he's not fared so well over time either.  It's funny [not] but when you write it all out then read it back, realizing you left stuff out and it's STILL crazy as the day is long.  I mean, really, you can't make this shit up.  "Oh no, I haven't talked to him in years but YOU are the problem between me and him..."  Said it out loud in so many words, as if it made perfect sense.  I almost wish I'd been sitting there where she could see the dumbfounded look on my face, asking her to repeat that because I know I didn't hear what just came out of her mouth. Then respond with Are. You. High?? 

I need to piece together my response for the next round:  We are not having this conversation and I don't want to hear it again [lather rinse repeat ONE TIME, then end the call when she plows on].
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: Blueskies on October 26, 2017, 05:27:41 AM
Really really reminds me of my uBPM who has blamed the breakdown of our relationship on my undisgnosed mental illness (which does not exist) and on my bf who she thinks has turned me against her. I relate to the poor reasoning and entirely circumstantial evidence - ie there is a problem, it can't be me so it must by you or some other poor sucker who she can project stuff onto.

Good for your brother for having boundaries!

I'm glad your M back pedalled. i think they create an alternative reality in their heads to avoid the possibility of rejection or the realisation that they are anything other than perfect. My M uses that snotty, I'm better than all of you tone, and I hate it. Alway the victim, even when attacking. I don't think you can get through to her. And it's NOT normal to send your x-rays to everyone!! She's milking it for attention.
Maybe next time you can say, look M I'm not a medical professional, I think you need to discuss this with your doctor (or a therapist!)

Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: broken on October 26, 2017, 05:45:29 AM
Your poor mother.  She's probably getting no rest, trying to rewrite the whole episode in her head, with enough twists and turns to make the whole thing Moglow's fault  :stars:

(You did know 'your poor mother' was sarcasm, right?  :wave:).
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: Spring Butterfly on October 26, 2017, 09:29:48 AM
Wow really wound up and spinning like a top that one!
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: practical on October 26, 2017, 09:33:36 AM
The lack of ability to take responsibility goes a long with a highly developed capability to shift blame, both with the same goal: "Me, who? No, I cannot do anything wrong! It was ..." If they would just blame it on the stars, it being Tuesday or something, maybe it would be "cute", but the blame always comes with an attack on some other poor human being, this time it was your turn.

Yep, it sounds crazy, even the shortened version sounds crazy. The bad influence blame shifting is I think a classic, it must be on page 1 in the chapter "How to shift blame" in the PD play book. I don't know how often M has blamed friends, colleagues to be a bad influence on me, rather than think about what I had told & written her was the problem between us. Your brother sounds very much like his own man, so if you can influence him, you must have some secret power, you are a Very Influential Person, and deserve special treatment. Real logic would dictate to be nice to you, so you use your influence to sway him in her direction, but no, in her mind blaming you is the way to go. :fallingbricks: (Honestly, the "could you use your influence to convince B to do such and such" isn't much better, my whole FOO used to tell me that I could convince another FOO member of whatever they wanted because I had a special relationship  :sadno: .)
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: raindrop on October 26, 2017, 10:55:03 AM
Yep totally nutso... I don't get how they can be so utterly in denial. Like not just a bit, but a truly alternate universe. Bizarre.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: daughter on October 26, 2017, 11:37:04 AM
Our pd-disordered parents usually refuse to acknowledge any complicity in their adult-child's estrangement.  It's either "a total mystery", or "someone else's fault!", viewed as something inexplicably "done to them".  Our parents present themselves as clueless innocent victims.  They're "deeply hurt", baffled, and able to blame anyone else within elbow-reach.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: practical on October 26, 2017, 11:49:27 AM
It is very much (2 x 3 = 4) + 3 = 9  :stars: or in short "I create my own world the way I like it" (plus the unspoken: and you better play the part I'm assigning you or I'll be :mad: :pissed: :bawl: ). Best strategy in my experience   :spaceship:
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: all4peace on October 26, 2017, 12:49:29 PM
If you're a truth teller and OOTF, you probably have a big old target on our back. I would imagine that I'm also getting the blame for my siblings changing their behavior towards our parents and starting to call them out on their behavior.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: bloomie on October 26, 2017, 02:15:31 PM
moglow - your mother revealed a lot about herself from the bit you share here. I can only imagine what the full conversation was like! 😳

Though you know her only too well and what she is capable of, this had to send you reeling. You handled yourself so well!  I am so glad you spoke up for yourself and so sorry you had to go through it! :hug:
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: coyote on October 26, 2017, 02:36:24 PM
All I can say about your mom is "well bless her little heart." (Southern code for How can she be that dense?)
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: moglow on October 26, 2017, 02:47:14 PM
It's just bizzarro world over and over again. Such a small sad limited world in her brain. I honest to God do not know how the woman functions. And again, this isn't new stuff. It didn't just happen, it's not about her being old (79) or a widow or retired or in pain or the myriad of other bullshit she spews out there every damn time I repeat back the insanity she just voiced. This is who she is - and you're all to blame for it!
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: daughterofbpd on October 26, 2017, 03:55:09 PM
How about "Are you really trying to alienate your child that is still speaking to you?"  :stars:
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: moglow on October 26, 2017, 05:03:34 PM
Y'all are the best, and I'm blessed to have you on this journey so I realize I'm not as whacked as I think I am!  But really - you've met her, haven't you?  There are hidden cameras and recorders I know nothing about?? Uncanny, what y'all are saying here.
Quote from: daughterofbpd
How about "Are you really trying to alienate your child that is still speaking to you?"  :stars:

SERIOUSLY?!! why the hell didn't I think this until just now?!  Shit, I need to call that woman back and point that out.

Quote from: Bloomie
moglow - your mother revealed a lot about herself from the bit you share here. I can only imagine what the full conversation was like!]Though you know her only too well and what she is capable of, this had to send you reeling. You handled yourself so well!

Truth?  This is all bravado - I'm Not handling it well at all today.  On the surface, yes.  Underneath I'm churning - and yearning to call her and go for round 2.  Not entirely sure that won't happen later.  Pretty sure I won't feel remotely apologetic or guilty for it.

Quote from: Broken
Your poor mother.  She's probably getting no rest, trying to rewrite the whole episode in her head, with enough twists and turns to make the whole thing Moglow's fault  (You did know 'your poor mother' was sarcasm, right?  ).

OMG Yes!!  Howling over here, if it weren;t so very not funny - so very spot on!

I lay in bed last night playing it over and over in my mind.  Mother claims she doesn't understand why this distance, why they/we don't have a relationship, all the while saying over and over again that they don't talk. Literally do not talk, doesn't remember the last time they talked. And she STILL doesn't see it - that to have an actual relationship with others, you talk, you share, you are interested in others and their lives and the world around you. It doesn't just happen because we were born. She doesn't see that her "talking" for most/all of our lives has been a long sad litany of complaints, criticism and condemnation of any and everybody around her.Worse, I didn't even go into with her what was for him the final straw. See, we don't have holiday gatherings - stopped years ago and found other places to be because her holiday/special occasion performances were so painful. They destroyed otherwise peaceful days and left bad tastes in everybody's mouths for weeks after. This Christmas in question was some eight or so years ago now - about a week before #1 asked me how I'd feel if he invited her to Christmas dinner with us.  I wasn't thrilled but felt the same "nobody should have to be alone for the holiday" guilt.  So he calls and invites her.  She's over the moon excited - too excited. She had time to prepare ... yeah, you know going in this isn't going to end well.  But hope springs eternal.

Christmas morning arrives; we're having lunch at my brother's at about 1pm.  I'm up and cooking my contributions, making and taking various calls, I notice an unknown number has called and I assumed it's a mistake.  Around 1030 or so, the phone rings and it's brother #2 - he's hauling mommie dearest with him, clarifies lunch time, they should be there well before 1pm.  I continue on, go to #1 to help sis finish cooking, setting the table etc.  And we wait.  #1 thought mother would be with me - supposedly she'd called and said "they" were in his driveway, come open the door"??  She's being her kind of funny, I guess.  Just after 1pm #1 phone rings - it's her.  She's having car trouble and won't be able to make it, not can we hold dinner later but she's not coming at all.  WHAT?  It's Christmas day, you're already late [almost two hour drive away] and you're just now calling?  She edgy and sniping on the phone, something else is up here.  She stumbles over her story, so it's clear she's not telling the truth, but we have no idea what version of the truth she's clinging to.

We go ahead with lunch, trying to piece together what the hell happened and when.  None of the pieces fit.  The phone calls to both me and #1 [as it turns out] were from her on her cell phone, and brother #2 left the messages.  They were together for at least part of the morning. He said they're "in town" but they aren't here??  Where the hell are they?  Later that day I talk to #2 - mommie dearest had a four alarm meltdown Christmas morning.  She had no idea what time lunch was, and apparently never asked.  They drove to #1 house two hours away and were in town by 930 that morning, drove around until after noon, and he pulled the plug on her performance.  They never stopped in the driveway, never knocked on a door, never let anyone know they were actually IN TOWN that day. She saw the garage was still closed and turned it into she wasn't welcome, never felt welcome, she's tired of being treated "this way" etc - forgetting that nobody was looking for or expecting her four hours early! In bro #2 words, he derailed an oncoming train by taking her ranting raving unhappy ass back home.  She lied.  Baldfaced, cold blooded lied, because she invented crazy shit in her own head, dredged up ancient history that had not one thing to do with Christmas dinner, and #2 decided he didn't want to inflict it on the rest of the family.  To quote #1 "this will not happen again."

About a month later - her norm, give her tornado time to settle when she assumes everybody is over it - she calls and leaves a nasty voicemail for #1.  I overheard it as he listened to it in his office.  Oh. My. God. She was nasty - and this is not the man or the subject to screw with.  Basically "this silent treatment [from you] ain't getting it."  NOT silent treatment, he simply had nothing to say to her, with good reason.  I let him know I overheard it, we talked briefly and I went home.  About an hour later he called and told me, whatever you do don't answer it if that woman calls you.  She's well and truly mad and you don't need or deserve what she'd dishing out. Talk to her another time if you want, but not today.  She left 7-9 long rambling increasingly ugly voicemails that day and I fell apart at the seams listening to them.  She let me know just how little she thought of me, my brother, his wife, etc etc until I was physically sick.  I threw up and the whole nine, damn near ended up in the emergency room it was so bad.

And yet all these years later, she doesn't know what happened.  Why he doesn't call.  Why we rarely visit.  Or how things got where they are.  Or even that this wasn't an isolated rare occurrence that only affected him and her.  Yeah.  This is my life, people.

Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: bloomie on October 26, 2017, 05:17:34 PM
Oh Mo I hope I didn't in anyway invalidate how difficult this is by saying you handled it well - just meant you were quick on your feet and wise in how you responded. Your mother's false accusations, sabotaging relationships, blame shifting and all out abusive behaviors toward her children are terrible.

Would it help YOU to tell her your truth... all of your truth and then drop the rope?
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: moglow on October 26, 2017, 05:40:24 PM
Oh God no, Bloomie - I guess I didn't realize how adept I am at faking it!  The sarcasm it is strong when I get wound up - but I've never dared dump it right back in her lap.  Maybe she needs a solid dose of what she's dished so long.

SO much more came into and keeps pouring into my brain, that I desperately want to say to her and have never dared.  That Christmas?  She's wiped it like it never happened, like we imagined it and blew it all out of proportion, that she's some sweet little granny who has no idea why we never invite her.  No.  You lied and stood your family up for Christmas dinner, deliberately and with malice aforethought.  You were rude and disrespectful and vicious for no reason other than crap you dredged up from ancient history and recreated problems that never existed.  You then turned it around that YOU were attacked and got silent treatment, when your children decided to let you stew in the poisons of your own making.  No.  It's not even the only one, just the most recent.

She'll never hear it but I wonder if I can at last lance the wound without making myself sick.  I've been edging there more and more the past few years, more than once in the past year even [which she sideswiped in her rant about my brother last night].  I just don't know how to start without her shutting it down immediately with her freaking excuses.  She kept saying over and over last night "that's not what I said!" when I quoted back exactly what she had JUST said - but "that's not what she meant."  Then don't fucking say it at all, is that not an option?!  Say what you mean and mean what you say - and leave me the hell out of this bullshit!

Nope, not my best day, but I'm finding my way through.  Y'all are helping me lay breadcrumbs so I can get back out.  "Talking" it out like this has become my best defense against the inner demons.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: Spring Butterfly on October 26, 2017, 06:36:54 PM
Keep talking, let it all out, we're here for you :hug:
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: VividImagination on October 26, 2017, 06:45:34 PM
"You don't know why he doesn't want a relationship with you? Why not ASK him?"

That would bring crickets, cause she just don't wanna know.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: SmolderingDragon on October 26, 2017, 07:06:34 PM
They'll shift blame the size of Mt Everest just so they don't ever have to take responsibility. A truly spectacular feat.  :snort:
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: all4peace on October 26, 2017, 07:10:23 PM
moglow, the whole "not talking" part. It sounds just like my uNBPD?m. She cannot be bothered to pick up a phone and communicate with her kids but complained all the time how "the boys" weren't in touch with her. Can't tell you how many times I asked if she had bothered to call them. Just kept on crying about it to the person who DID talk to her still, me.  :stars:

My sister said something profound once. She said: "I think M knows exactly what it takes to have a good relationship, but she just doesn't like the work."

Self reflection, self control, generosity, compassion, effort, consideration. Blah. That's exhausting. It is soooooo much easier to sit back helplessly, cry, whine, blameshift, rug sweep, and rewrite the story.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: Terichan on October 26, 2017, 08:02:32 PM
Wow, mo, that's some story. Holy cow. I just don't get it, your mother must have put so, so much energy into screwing with her kids' heads that day with this grand plan to... what, exactly? Spread some wonderful unhappiness, chaos and anger for the holidays? And why, she was invited to spend Christmas with her children, why sabotage it?? The way she thinks is almost beyond my capacity to understand. It's amazing you've made it this far with that woman as a "mother"!

You not getting into what was the final straw for brother #1 was very wise, all it would do is bring more denial, anger, chaotic thinking, making you even more upset than you are now. So many PDs don't get it, they just don't, they (at least my parents, and I'd guess your mother) DO think that relationships just "happen" because we were born, and are supposed to last until the day they die. No caring about us, no interest in our lives, no loving behavior, nay, not even any love for us, even the most basic acknowledgement of our humanity or our individuality is not required from them, ever. It's sickening.

I can tell how angry you are at your mother, keep talking it out here, you ain't gonna get nowhere with her. Ugh!

 :hug:
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: practical on October 26, 2017, 08:14:57 PM
Quote
She let me know just how little she thought of me, my brother, his wife, etc etc until I was physically sick.  I threw up and the whole nine, damn near ended up in the emergency room it was so bad.

And yet all these years later, she doesn't know what happened.  Why he doesn't call.  Why we rarely visit.  Or how things got where they are.  Or even that this wasn't an isolated rare occurrence that only affected him and her.  Yeah.  This is my life, people.
Getting physically sick from listening to her VMs - it tells you how traumatized you are, how much she is a trigger for you. I understand wanting to say your piece, just weigh carefully whether the price of having to listen to her interruptions is worth it. DH had that fantasy of gagging my F, so he could tell him all the things F has done to me over the years without being interrupted. As this is clearly not an option, maybe wait till she has laryngitis and cannot say a damn thing? Problem is she would physically hear it all then in uninterrupted sentences, emotionally she would still not hear it, would change the meaning of your sentences before you even had finished them.

Wow, mo, that's some story. Holy cow. I just don't get it, your mother must have put so, so much energy into screwing with her kids' heads that day with this grand plan to... what, exactly? Spread some wonderful unhappiness, chaos and anger for the holidays? And why, she was invited to spend Christmas with her children, why sabotage it?? The way she thinks is almost beyond my capacity to understand.
I'll hazard a wild guess from having watched my parents:
Stage 1: She gets excited about the invitation, gets all wound up and over the moon happy, spins out scenarios in her head how she is the beloved mother hen with all her children. She is so anxious to enact those imaginations (I'm using the plural on purpose, because there are so many  :roll: ) and so detached from reality, she doesn't ask for the time and makes B #2 pick her up at a time that makes sense to her because she wants to be there early for the performance, before the curtain rises. As the star, she needs to be there early to powder her nose and receive her admirers before the performance for the general public begins.
Stage 2: B #2 picks her up and during the 2 hour drive and all the extra time because they got there way to early some dim memories of reality sneak up on her, how there was a fight at some previous special occasions, how her kids didn't worship her, how she wasn't treated as the star, wasn't the center of attention, in short how none of her dreams came true. She cannot deal with these glimpses of reality, never mind actually experience this reality which clashes with her imaginations. So time to come up with a plan B to derail the whole thing, so she doesn't have to "endure" another dinner like this with her ungrateful children. Let the lying start, the rewriting of facts.
Stage 3: The garage door is closed - really it could have been anything, the driveway isn't shoveled, the newspaper sitting in the driveway, wrong color of curtains for the season - she is frantically looking for an excuse to not go, so her imaginations don't have to be faced with reality. Like a little child she is afraid of rejection, so to spare herself from it, she rejects first, decides you aren't good enough for her, you clearly aren't loving her enough, because there aren't garlands or a welcoming committee, so there, see how you feel without me, how miserable you'll be in my absence :dramaqueen: .
Stage 4: A month later she has rewritten this special day solidly, it is now set in stone like Hammurabis Law, and she calls to proclaim it to B #1 and you, expecting you to fall over yourself and apologize, resume the worship of her.  :sadno: - And no, at no point did it dawn on her that she is playing a role in this repeating drama, actually the staring role that determines the outcome.

Keep writing, whatever you decide to do. :grouphug:
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: moglow on October 26, 2017, 09:41:22 PM
Frightening and dismaying how accurate that reenactment is, Practical. The only part missing is

Epilogue:
Years later it is further interpreted and resolved in her mind that previously discussed incident never occurred. Horrible ungrateful "children" have cut her out of their lives for no known reason, regardless if all she's done for them.

Yep. That about covers it.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: Blueskies on October 27, 2017, 05:30:35 AM
OMG Moglow, I just read your Christmas day story. Yikes! Sooo reminds me of my M. I used to be physically sick after speaking to her - I know this crazy, blamey, viciousness well. Thank goodness your brother thought to take her home and not inflict her on anyone!! And taking the garage being shut as a sign of not being welcome...total projection...I've heard of PD people reading into things but that's taking it to a whole new level. The part about leaving the tornado to settle down and then assuming everyone is over it is very familiar too...my M even mocks me for not being 'over it'.

At the end of the day you have no control over the alternative reality in her head, but you do not have to expose yourself to it! Your M sounds really ill and unstable. I know how distressing that is, but there's not really any solution aside from her getting psychiatric help. I'm firmly of the 'you have to put your own oxygen mask on first' school of thought after spending years suffering physically and mentally from my M's onslaughts. You can't make her better, so you might as well look after yourself. You don't need to be food for her narcissistic fixes.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: xredshoesx on October 27, 2017, 07:56:00 AM
i've learned how to process my own trauma and grief over my own biological mother better over the years we've been posting together and i feel you on this- it's like she just won't go away and keeps you in the circle just enough to yank your chain and throw you back to the proverbial wolves.

just keep doing you girl.  you handle these episodes with a grace and wisdom that i do not have the capability to duplicate.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: moglow on October 27, 2017, 10:39:54 AM
I've not called and don't think I will. I don't have the energy or the heart for it. I'm tired. Tired Of the tirades and tantrums. Tired of the endless roller coaster. Tired if knowing there is and will always be another self created drama in her mind, and that she will drag anyone into it. I'm tired of going through this shit every fucking year - some ridiculous dredged up crap designed to push everybody away so she can cry and be a victim all through the holidays. I'm tired if explaining yet again that no, I won't be around. Ill be working (petsitting) so my clients can travel to be with their loved ones. How ironic.


I'm just tired today.

Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: all4peace on October 27, 2017, 11:38:04 AM
:bighug:

This gets so exhausting. I hope you have some time and energy to do something for yourself today.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: Spring Butterfly on October 27, 2017, 12:01:12 PM
Eventually there's just the straw that finally breaks us. They keep pushing and pushing like there's no breaking point to us ...until they snap our brains completely shattering it to bits.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: bopper on October 27, 2017, 12:04:04 PM
Why do you take her calls?
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: moglow on October 27, 2017, 12:25:23 PM
Why: Obligation (fear and guilt fell to the wayside years ago). Empathy and compassion for what it's like to feel painfully alone and unwanted, knowing you're all you have and no one else can fix this.


But love, joy, happiness, warmth ... None of that enters into it anymore. Not even a pretense. Just a glimmer here and there of what could have been, had she been remotely capable. It continues to be a harsh lesson in realities.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: VividImagination on October 27, 2017, 02:52:51 PM
I love you, Mo. Get some Vitamin Sea.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: moglow on October 27, 2017, 03:43:11 PM
You made me cry with that, Viv - I love you too. Thank you.

Damned if she didn't just leave a chirpy message that she sent me a video but I hadn't responded, all chipper because she feels better. Fuck. Means she's dredging up the damn blocked cellphone issue again, just can't let sleeping dogs lie. I can't today. I just can't. These horcruxes are killing me.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: practical on October 27, 2017, 05:13:29 PM
Why: Obligation (fear and guilt fell to the wayside years ago). Empathy and compassion for what it's like to feel painfully alone and unwanted, knowing you're all you have and no one else can fix this.
Are you sure she actually is truly aware of being alone, unwanted? Yes, at some level hence the dramas, the chaos, I do think though it is quite different from you and me. My M was a charming extrovert and thought she was the greatest, beloved by everybody. She had friends (different from your M) and would never have described herself as lonely, despite the emotional loneliness driving what she did especially to her family, despite it being the root for so much of her abuse. She somehow managed to paint right over that gaping hole. F has raised being alone to a choice for the select few, special people like him, never mind that his emotional loneliness just like M's drives his behavior towards his family, is the root for chaos, drama and abuse. So what I'm trying to say is, could it be you are projecting? That you assume your M experiences the loneliness the way you do? I truly doubt it, as her mind has created defense mechanisms you and I don't have, ways to make reality disappear and create a new one.

The other thing is, your compassion, you talking to her is not really helping her it seems, except if you consider volunteering to be a mouse she can play with, pounce on, maul as helping her. I don't think she really feels better on the inside by the end of the calls you have with her. She may feel smug like she showed you, worked out some of her anger, desperation, fear on you, but I don't think she feels any less lonely, anxious or angry. I have compassion for F, I had for M, I also trained myself very hard to feel compassion for myself (no easy feat) and I had to accept that my compassion for them made no change in their lives other than maybe a short lived blip, but made mine a hell of a lot worse when I acted on it, made myself vulnerable to them.

I've not called and don't think I will. I don't have the energy or the heart for it. I'm tired. Tired Of the tirades and tantrums. Tired of the endless roller coaster. Tired if knowing there is and will always be another self created drama in her mind, and that she will drag anyone into it. I'm tired of going through this shit every fucking year - some ridiculous dredged up crap designed to push everybody away so she can cry and be a victim all through the holidays. I'm tired if explaining yet again that no, I won't be around. Ill be working (petsitting) so my clients can travel to be with their loved ones. How ironic.


I'm just tired today.


Don't play, don't take her invitation. Delete the voice mails without listening, block her number, give yourself this as an early Christmas gift. If something serious happens to her, the hospital, police, somebody will contact one of her children, other than that I don't really think you need to know what she is doing, as a matter of fact you do know what she is doing, gearing up for the next abuse cycle. -  And yes, it is very ironic what you are doing on Xmas.

Eventually there's just the straw that finally breaks us. They keep pushing and pushing like there's no breaking point to us ...until they snap our brains completely shattering it to bits.
For me it was 4 weeks ago. F had already broken all the straws, he turned them into dust that day.

Give yourself the gift of a Time Out, one you decide on, not her choice which is ST.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: moglow on October 27, 2017, 08:33:31 PM
That's what I meant, that I know how it feels to be alone and unwanted, knowing you have to go it alone. I have no partner, no children. It's just me. I look at it from that context, knowing that whatever is to be done for me will be by me. There's no one to just step up and handle it for me and hasn't been for many years. It's not always easy, but you learn to ask for help - look at others and realize they have their own responsibility and limitations, and plan accordingly. It's what we all do as adults. And we learn workarounds when possible, figure out other ways when we can't do it. Hell, I've had to parent and nurture myself long enough to know.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: moglow on October 29, 2017, 02:03:49 PM
Talking with brother #2 this morning, he says mother was "well pleased" with our conversation a few days ago. "Thrilled" even. Yeah. For dragging me backwards again through a situation that doesn't involve me. For bitter sniping accusations that *i* am the common denominator in her non-existent relationship with my brother.

She's sick. Truly sick and twisted.
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: bloomie on October 29, 2017, 06:28:19 PM
Talking with brother #2 this morning, he says mother was "well pleased" with our conversation a few days ago. "Thrilled" even. Yeah. For dragging me backwards again through a situation that doesn't involve me. For bitter sniping accusations that *i* am the common denominator in her non-existent relationship with my brother.

She's sick. Truly sick and twisted.
:doh: Just living in a different universe where bitter words and pointed darts of accusation are so everyday and common that they serve as "conversation" with which your mother is "well pleased." You are paying full price for her cheap imitation of connecting. She got her venom out and felt better, thus a good conversation it would seem. UGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :aaauuugh:

For someone so sensitive a closed garage door can send them reeling in convenient and perceived rejection, unable to attend a holiday meal with their family after such a high offense, your mother's complete lack of consideration for how her abusive and harmful words may have impacted you is outrageous.

Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: practical on October 29, 2017, 11:21:46 PM
The ability to rewrite history, to adapt it to current needs will never cease to amaze me.
:bighug:
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: Spring Butterfly on October 30, 2017, 08:28:33 AM
It really is unbelievable that PD persons somehow think that this sort of behavior will indefinitely motivate us to spend as much time as possible with them :stars:
Title: Re: Alternate realities - or when you realize your mother has lost her damn mind...
Post by: moglow on October 30, 2017, 12:39:18 PM
"She got her venom out and felt better, thus a good conversation it would seem. "

Makes no sense to me, but yes. I didn't argue the point, didn't really engage beyond those first few moments of stunned disbelief when my mouth engaged before I could think it through. But true to form she rebounded to the innocuous, as if she hasn't just figuratively smacked me in the face.

As you say, she got her venom out - and apparently that's all that mattered.