Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: rememberme on October 27, 2017, 04:19:04 PM

Title: One-way only
Post by: rememberme on October 27, 2017, 04:19:04 PM
I get it. After many decades of marriage my uNDPm and En-Dad are getting divorced. It's not pretty, as you can imagine, and both are causing that. No one is innocent in this. It's very painful for her, but she doesn't acknowledge that it is painful for everyone in the immediate family.

I thought I had been OOTF for a while, but keep finding myself coming further out of it through this. I went through my texts and recent phone conversations and found:  There is a HUGE One-Way Only sign on our relationship. I always knew it was there, but WOW!

One incident this week  in particular opened my eyes to the magnitude of this.

My unDad asked for family something as part of the divorce. She said I had it, which is true. She gave it to me before he asked for it and am more than willing to copy it for either one of them. It is safer with me based on how they both are acting.

uBPDm found more of this item a week ago and told me I could take it too. I went to get it this week and she very "nicely" asked if I was ok taking it - would it put me in the middle of them if I did? Oh how she faked some concern over how this would affect me. (I have set very solid boundaries about not being put in the middle of them even though she has used her passive-aggressive ways to try).

I told her no. She already said I had them. I will keep the originals and would make them copies if they wanted them. BIG MISTAKE!

She then told me she would keep them because he doesn't deserve them. She said she'll just store them in her closet when he comes to get the rest of his stuff. I must've had a look on my face because she then said "Now you are mad at me."

I told her I wasn't (lie), but didn't understand and didn't have to (I did NOT want to engage emotionally with her). My kids and I left shortly after with little conversation past that.

I am SO mad! I am mad at myself for even thinking she had offered me all of this because I was her child. She only offered it to me so she could say she doesn't have it and he cant get it. Then, she expected me to act loyal to her by not giving him any of it if he asked me. I know it shouldn't surprise me, but she was so casual about telling me she'll keep them so he doesn't get any. Well...she started to cry a little bit when she said he didn't deserve them. Her manipulating crying comes on command.

She found a new way to control me by keeping these from me so she can control him getting them.

Everything is always about her! And that's why she needs to see me today, with tears again. He is coming to get his stuff tomorrow and this has just been so hard on her. She needs to see me before then.

Nope. Not going to happen.

This is not the relationship I want to have. If she weren't my mom, I she wouldn;t be a part of my life. But since she is, I know I'm still in a bit of obligation. I'm not ready to go NC, but I have been trying MC and VLC.

(Sorry I kept this a little vague. Sadly, I don't feel safe enough that she won't go searching on this board. She now thinks he has a PD because he left her  :stars:

Title: Re: One-way only
Post by: practical on October 28, 2017, 10:29:36 AM
Welcome to OOTF!

I'm very sorry your M is trying to use you in her fight with your F, totally disregarding your own feelings given the situation and what she is doing to you. Her triangulation is masterful and at the same time at the level of a child, who says "No, he cannot have it" despite long being tired of the toy, just because ...

I think the more you an focus on what you want and stay out of the battle your parents are in the better for you. As for the texts she is sending you, I would tell her you are her daughter not a therapist, and she should please reach out for professional or spiritual help. Any conversation she wants to have where she wants to dump on you, I would try to shut down with "This is between you and F, please resolve it with him or reach out to a therapist/priest/..." and either change the topic or end the conversation. Check out the Toolbox  (http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Toolbox.html)    to learn more about Boundaries, Medium Chill, JADEing and other topics that might help you.

Take care of yourself, your M is an adult and her feelings are her responsibility not yours.
Title: Re: One-way only
Post by: rememberme on October 30, 2017, 02:48:19 PM
Thank you Practical! I've been reading here for a while and received so much knowledge a strength from the stories of others.

I decided last week that I need to refocus on myself - get back to the gym, start eating healthier again and take time for the things I love.