My uHPD mother happens to be a bit of an exhibitionist. As I live with her, I've mentioned before in previous posts that she has an open door policy where she insists on her bedroom door remaining open at all times. If I feel it's appropriate to close it for certain reasons while she's in there, it becomes her priority to make sure it is not closed and will have a tantrum otherwise.
Her bedroom has a wardrobe which leads to an en suite bathroom and there is a sliding door allowing privacy for both the wardrobe and bathroom. She doesn't close the sliding door at all. Not for changing, not to shower, nor on the toilet and often with the bedroom curtains open which looks out onto the veranda/front door.
The other day, as I was walking through the house, her bedroom door open, she steps out of her wardrobe without a bra or top on. This is in view of the hallway and the corridor of the house. She had pants on, but it was kind of like being in the wrong place at the wrong time, whereas it really shouldn't have been that way! Her grandchildren, my niece and nephew, were also in the vicinity as we were minding them for the day. I found it really unfair that I had to see that. Not to mention if the children happened to see also, you would expect better from a grandmother!
I made a comment to her shortly afterwards, "Just saw you naked in your room." I didn't know how to put it to her. Her response, "OH! I thought you were still in bed." I thought that was irrelevant and just not a valid reason for not showing some basic common courtesy for those you live with! It's just straight up attention seeking behavior! Unfortunately it's not the first time it's happened.
I want to voice my distaste to her and tell her that I should not have to see that sort of thing. That she needs to close her doors. She will argue that she's my mother and what's the harm in it? She will laugh it off. She may agree to make better use of the wardrobe door but she won't shut the bedroom door, not a chance! Even just speaking up to her about it, I imagine will be a circular conversation.
I also wonder if it is a passive aggressive way to assert dominance over her home.
Hi DeepSky, thanks for sharing this. The post title made me laugh in recognition. I don't have any wise words to offer, only: yeah, I completely agree with you. I have seen way too much of my mother naked in my life and really don't know why.
Yikes! I have a friend possibly unHPD that does something similar to this. I agree it seems attention seeking. They put doors on bathrooms especially for a reason.
Since it made you uncomfortable, she shouldn't have responded by not addressing your concern.
My uNPDm has a long history of innapropriate behavior that's similar. Walking around naked or with not enough clothes on. Having loud sex when I, my friends, my boyfriend, etc was in the house visiting. Telling me way way way too much info about her sex life her partners etc. and then almost mocking me when I told her I didn't want to hear it or it was innapropriate. She actually even told my husband as some point that she basically felt sorry for him since I was "asexual"....yup!! Part of the fun house
This is so weird. It is especially strange that she is not respecting children, and taking precautions to keep them from seeing her naked. She is their grandmother!!!!!!!! I would be so upset if my children saw a grandparent unclothed or using the bathroom. Gross.
My BPDm was an exhibitionist too. She used to pride herself on her breasts. She would flash men, and laugh and act like she is so brave and wild and fun. Screaming "WOOOOOOO!" as she held up her shirt and shook her boobs around. In front of me, when I was a young child. What a good role model---NOT!!!! There are ways she used to act about her body and her sexuality (in front of me) that i can't explain, that still make me sick.
Even now, she acts like she is "hot" and she is sooooo old.
The other day BPDm made a comment about my DD's body, that made me cringe. She said that my DD's breasts take after hers. She said it like my DD is soooooo lucky to have boobs like hers. And my DD is so young and barely developing. BPDm always put down my boobs growing up for not being as big or perfect as hers. So complimenting my DD is double edged, (first of all it is a lie) but also a dig at me and a promotion of herself. I don't even understand now as a parent, what kind of a parent you have to be to behave this way and think it is okay. BPDm STILL puts down my body. I think she has a dysmorphic disorder, but instead of thinking poorly of her figure, she thinks she looks better than she does. It is so annoying.
I don't mind a woman being confident in her figure. That is awesome. But trying to show it to people, who don't want to see it, is so icky. Especially when it comes to family. Especially when the FAMILY has expressed that it makes them uncomfortable. Shut the door lady!
My mother did a lot of this stuff. I saw her naked more times than I ever wanted. She used to insist on us coming into the bathroom to talk to her when she was taking a bath. She also told me wayyyy too much about her sex life, and would talk about the size of my brother's genitalia (!!!).
I felt this went hand in hand with her lack of boundaries with her body or mine. She would insist on doing things for me when I was a child that was very intrusive. Later, when I had kids, she used to insist on wiping their bottoms when they were plenty old enough to do it for themselves. This was in a short-lived period before I went full NC. I didn't want my children exposed to what I went through.
In my mind this kind of behavior is a form of sexual abuse. It's really no different than a pervert guy exposing himself to children at the bus stop. It is unwanted contact, aggressive and sick. It is meant to make you feel powerless and small, and is so gross and icky too. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. I wouldn't let children be exposed to it if at all possible.
Sadly, I can also relate... :roll: I also remember when I was younger and hadn't moved out yet, my mother always showed up naked after shower with the bathroom door open... :wacko:
Quote from: Wild Lupines on January 05, 2018, 05:32:23 PM
My mother did a lot of this stuff. I saw her naked more times than I ever wanted.
I also remember later on, when she came visit and stayed in my house, she would want to have conversations with me while in the bathroom :sadno: No boundaries!
Gladly I'm having none of this since I went NC.
My NBM is both a "queen bee" narcissist, and an exhibitionist, prone to flagrant sense of self-entitlement to walking around our house and backyard nude and semi-nude, for her to shower and use toilet with bathroom door open, sunbath and hot tub nude in backyard, and not honor her children's own need for bodily privacy. I grew-up with expectation of "no closed doors", and a daily "naked mom parade".
I spoke to my mother about it and made it clear that I was very uncomfortable with the display and I should not have to see that! Even though she didn't come out of her room, I said it wasn't good enough, especially with her grand kids here and I assertively asked her to be more conscious of it and close her doors as they're there for a reason.
Her argument was that it was an accident and she was in a rush to get dressed and get back to watching the kids. I didn't buy that at all. When you have no intentions of closing your door for privacy and are perhaps even deliberately keeping it open so that this sort of thing will happen, to attract attention, to provoke an emotional response.... that is no accident! Even this morning as she was getting ready in her room to go out, all the doors and curtains were open as she showered and dressed. No regard for my feelings at all.
Ugh. Yes, my Nmom ran around naked a LOT when I was a kid and when I reached puberty she acted in very inappropriate ways (telling me about her sex life, not wearing underwear and bending over in front of me, etc). It made me feel weird and angry. She tried to barge in when I was I labor with my oldest, but the nurses honored my wishes and barred her. Finally, when she lived with us the six hellish months, she'd "forget" to close the bathroom door or walk around with inappropriate nightgowns, etc. My boys would have died to have seen their gma like that. I got her the hell out of here just in time. Sorry you and others have experienced. It's very violating!
I wonder if it is a generational issue? My grandparents' generation were very chaste and covered every bit of skin up; my parents' generation took most clothing off , walked around naked and tanned without tan lines, my generation seems undecided, and my children's generation seems to be confused, showing a lot of skin when they go out but having a closed door policy at home.
OMG, DeepSky... Your mom sounds like my mom! :doh:
It might partly be a generational thing. My mom is part of the hippie generation and all that but never was a hippie. She was inappropriate even when I was a kid. I paid no attention to the occasional horseplay she had with my dad thinking it was something couples did and just stayed in my room if I noticed they were chasing each other or something. But she has never respected my boundaries one bit, especially after I became a teen. She felt her right to barge into my room whenever she felt like it. I learned to lock doors and even install my own locks so I could make sure no-one ever saw me naked after a shower etc.
She has continued to act like this even when I have been an adult. One time when I've stayed at her place with my husband, she tried to barge into the bathroom when I was having a bath with some excuse like "she needs to take something from there", totally knowing I was there. My husband stopped her. She did not understand why I wanted curtains and drapes everywhere - she likes open windows and doesn't feel bothered at all by the possibility of someone looking inside the house. She also leaves doors open when she changes her clothes.
I noticed things got worse after my father passed away. She would emerge from the bathroom wearing only a towel like it was nothing and talk to me and my husband dripping with water. She would try to make me do the same thinking I was crazy to change my clothes behind locked doors. She also shares way too much information about her relationship with her boyfriend. I know she thinks she is so hot for a woman her age (she's not). Why are PD parents often exhibitionists and why do they try to humiliate us?
Is there any possible way you can hang some sort of curtain? Is there a hallway leading to that area? Even suspending a rod from the ceiling and hanging a sheet to block me you at least a little bit? Something that is within your control at all?
This topic is sadly becoming relevant again soon when I have to travel back to where I used to live as a kid and I am going to have to spend a couple of days at the summer house with my mom. She has been all excited about summer already. I am even hoping the weather wouldn't be hot because the few hot days that they've had recently, she was already throwing her clothes way and hanging around the house and garden in her bikini because she "simply couldn't wear any clothing because it was too hot". :wacko: Not just that, she loves telling us over the phone about mishaps which sound like a bad adult film from the 1970s. She'd be gardening in her bikinis (remember, this is an elderly lady we're talking about) totally forgetting she had a delivery arriving and then she just has to open the door dressed in her tiny swimming outfit because she had no time to get dressed. :doh: Like WHAT?! How do you not have time?! It takes like two seconds to throw on a T-shirt and some pants. I bet she didn't even forget the delivery. I am already dreading the times that me and my DH have to spend with her because not only does she make us uncomfortable, she also dictates everything we eat, watch, basically do while there but she also does these embarrassing shows.
Quote from: MountainMaid on January 05, 2018, 03:19:58 PM
My uNPDm has a long history of innapropriate behavior that's similar. Walking around naked or with not enough clothes on. Having loud sex when I, my friends, my boyfriend, etc was in the house visiting. Telling me way way way too much info about her sex life her partners etc. and then almost mocking me when I told her I didn't want to hear it or it was innapropriate. She actually even told my husband as some point that she basically felt sorry for him since I was "asexual"....yup!! Part of the fun house
Me toooooooooooo!!!!!!
My mother always had stupidly loud sec when I was home either alone, with my younger sister or with friends or boyfriends etc. She also used to leave her door open and even had sex on the stairs or lounge. We used to get into really bad fights over this and she would simply shout at me that if I didn't like it, I should move out. She was twisted also after her porn star loud sex she would walk into the room I was in and smirk at me and say something like turn your tele off and go to sleep !! I used to get soooooo angry. I've never spoken to anyone else that's had similar experiences with their mother - I'm so sorry you also had this!!!
:aaauuugh:
Why do they do this, ahhh! I can totally relate! My mom would insist that it was her house, so she could do whatever she wants. She took an hour or two to get ready each morning and putting clothes on was always the last step. It was normal in my house for her to serve us breakfast with her shirt off, or only in underwear. Once when I was about 15 she saw me looking at her and jumped down my throat saying I was eyeing her up and down, judging her, and that I was jealous. :sadno: I felt so much shame, like I was the one being dirty even though she was the one nude.
She also had no respect for my boundaries. She would tell me inappropriate sex things, like many of you have mentioned. She would walk in on me anytime she wanted, even if I was on the toilet or changing. When I was about 19 tanning in a bikini, before I could stop her she pulled out my bottoms so she could see how I groomed myself, wtf! I felt so icky!
I also confronted her and my dad about hearing them have loud sex (when I was a pre-teen). My dad turned purple with embarrassment. My mom on the other hand smiled so big it almost split her face and laughed. I don't know about you, but if one of my kids brought something like that to my attention, I would be embarrassed and apologize!
Quote from: Wild Lupines on January 05, 2018, 05:32:23 PM
In my mind this kind of behavior is a form of sexual abuse. It's really no different than a pervert guy exposing himself to children at the bus stop. It is unwanted contact, aggressive and sick.
I have wondered about this :-\
I can relate to being called in while she is in the bath too. My mom would ask me to wash her back.
Quote from: Moxie890 on June 17, 2019, 03:21:25 PM
Quote from: Wild Lupines on January 05, 2018, 05:32:23 PM
In my mind this kind of behavior is a form of sexual abuse. It's really no different than a pervert guy exposing himself to children at the bus stop. It is unwanted contact, aggressive and sick.
I have wondered about this :-\
I can relate to being called in while she is in the bath too. My mom would ask me to wash her back.
My therapist said it is a form of abuse because children don't understand and it's scary and confusing and also just having no choice in seeing or hearing someone naked or having sex is wrong!! My mother had sex with me in the room plenty of times when I was young and I can remember every occasion. One time me, my younger sister AND 2 previous stepsisters were also in the same room (hotel). I mean... why????
Like someone else here said, my mother told me way too much about her sex life. She used to complain how often her current husband wants sex or how she had to buy toys or how he wasn't very skilled!!!
This is a form of sexual abuse. It's really twisted boundaries and it messes with our poor young developing minds, souls and sexuality.
I had parents who were never, ever less than fully clothed, but they felt free to walk in on us in the bathroom (while we were showering) whenever they pleased, and allowed my siblings to do so also. There were multiple other creepy sexual behaviors from them that when I finally got a book on sexual abuse was up into the Category 2 or 3 zone.
My wish for all of us in this thread, and those reading it, is to realize that the shame and confusion we likely feel about these strange interactions belong entirely to our parents. Please know you're not alone, and that it wasn't your fault, that you're not weird or creepy no matter what your parents outright said or tried to imply :hug:
I was another one who had no privacy. Mom walked in on me on the toilet up until adulthood. And encouraged me to do the same to her. :barfy: DH also has a lack of boundaries in this area... I've gotta ask... What is normal between spouses? Is it okay for them to walk in on each other? I'm not talking about sex in the shower, just boring everyday bathroom stuff. I feel like they should be private but am honestly not entirely sure. But then why do they design bathrooms with double sinks? Ah, the things that are so confusing for ACONs.
My mother never behaved like this--very conservative. But my father would ALWAYS wander around the house in nothing but his tight whities. He'd come to the breakfast/dinner table like that! I thought it was normal, although gross, at the time. Of course, he also liked to get into bed with me or my sister--in his undies--and 'snuggle'. EWW. We both dreaded it so much.
Cordelia, to answer your question on what is normal between couples. Walking in on each other when you're doing your business in the bathroom? Definitely not normal or ok. When the door is closed, it should remain shut. If you have something urgent which means you really, really have to go to the bathroom when the other person is there (like you're bleeding to death or something of that category), you still knock and ask if it is ok. If the other person is again doing his/her business, you wait and preferably go to another room as to not to disturb the other one. Even if you're bleeding to death. ;D You can be in the same bathroom if for example the other person is in the shower and has given you a permission to go and fetch a comb there or something like that. Never without permission though.
And the double sinks? I would think it would be possible for both to be washing their face and applying face cream or washing their teeth but that's about as intimate as I want things to be if I'm in the bathroom with my spouse. Ok, so a kiss would be ok perhaps but bodily functions is something we will never, ever share. Both of us are very clear on the rules so there's no problem. It's only my mother who is the problem and luckily she is miles away...
In reply to CMC and fugitivedaughter, what is normal with spouses? Well we only have one bathroom in our house, so it's not unusual for either me or DH to be showering and the other need to use the restroom. I wish the toilet were in its own cubby, but we just don't have the square footage for that. :-\ However, bathroom etiquette in our house is no peeking around the shower curtain. Beyond that? Only for medical concern reasons should the door ever be open. In the day or two after our DS was born I was extremely weak and quite prone to passing out anytime I got out of bed, so the midwife actually told DH to stay close when I needed to use the restroom so I didn't pass out and crack my skull on the tile. Embarrassing? Well, yeah. But a lot better than stitches in my scalp. It helps that DH has the propensity to be quite clinical anytime there is a medical concern. Oh and the double sinks? For brushing your teeth mostly. We only have the one bathroom and I can't tell you how many times DH has had to go spit and rinse in the kitchen.
This topic brings back extremely unpleasant memories of my uBPDM walking around the house in her short nightgown with no bra, swearing up and down that despite the AC blasting, and ceiling fan on high, it was just too dang hot. She finally stopped popping out of her room totally topless some time in my teens, and of course I am traumatized for life as the image is just gross. And of course, the one time that she shocked me and noticed me looking anywhere other than her face, I was shamed for it as well. It took me a long time to figure out that no, she can't just pop out of her room with no shirt on and it somehow be my fault that she's half naked? Yeah no.
I posted this in the batsh!t thread, but she also expressed excitement and a desire to see me breastfeed my son. I am a modest person, I cover up when other people are around and DS is hungry. He hates it though, tries to kick the blanket off, but oh well. Anyway, I told her there would be nothing to see other than the blanket and she says "Oh, you're one of THOOSSSE women." Wtaf? It was like some kind of accusation and then she protests "But I'm your MOTTTHHHHER!" Meanwhile I'm literally facepalming into the phone and shaking my head saying "Yeah, but it's my boob." I see this as just another sign that she really has NO boundaries whatsoever, and if I want any, I'm going to have to fight to have them. :???:
Quote from: Andeza on June 18, 2019, 01:32:31 PM
I posted this in the batsh!t thread, but she also expressed excitement and a desire to see me breastfeed my son.
Oh man, me too. I am not very modest anymore when it comes to breastfeeding, but when my first child was born I expressed to my mom that I would like privacy to feed her. My DD and I were both learning how all that worked and I wanted the quiet bonding time. My mom would walk in anyway, say "I will be quiet" and just sit and watch me. She even went so far as to take a picture! She did ask, but I was so deep in the fog that saying no or defending my boundaries wasn't an option.
As far as spouse bathroom boundaries go, my DH and I are very relaxed. We hold conversations in the bathroom regularly. BUT, as soon as anyone asks for privacy, they get it.