Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: Seven on April 10, 2018, 05:15:36 PM

Title: PAIM reneged after commitment to Four
Post by: Seven on April 10, 2018, 05:15:36 PM
Here is the link to the previous thread for the backstory. http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=73105.0

Essentially M decided on a whim to move to FL and rent/purchase sis#4 condo.  She discussed with all sibs with the exception of me (still hasn’t returned my phone call from last week), and told friends who told friends, etc etc.  Four asked for a commitment because the condo was on the market to be sold and she had to make the decision to delist it or not.  So M committed.

I did not tell my adult sons about M intent to move until after I knew M committed to Four.  When i told them DS1 was bummed.  He didnt want to see her go.  DS2 was pretty indifferent...like “whatever she wants”

So this morning i get a phone call from One to tell me that after having made a commitment to Four, passive agressive invalidating mother has reneged her commitment to Four.   WTF?!  One told me the discussion with Four revolved around PAIM always listening to her friends and never to her family.

Evidently here’s what happened.  M is in a rosary group weekly.  Last night was her turn to host, as One had called M just as people were arriving.  So between the time rosary started and last night/early this morning phone call to Four, M made the decision not to move.  It was said that all of the rosary people said she was fine, she should stay, she can still drive fine, etc, etc.  There is also speculation that broSix’s MIL (not even freaking related) told a church member M planned on moving and then it spread like wildfire.

It has always been this way.  M’s friends have more of an influence over M’s decisions than her family.   Even when it came to my poor father.  In our case, father never knew best.  Prime example is when M decided to downsize at a very inopportune time but she was adamant she was doing it.  She moved into an apartment complex where her two friends were while Four, her DH, cancer-riddled son and his DW were planning their move and Five was divorcing his uBPDw.   Guess what...both friends have since moved out of the complex.

And yep, Four was like “well i hope all these friends who influenced her to stay are going to be around to help M when she falls”.

So I had to call my adult sons again today and let them know the news.  DS1 and i had a good talk.  He agrees what she did was wrong, after making a commitment, after telling people (including his father...yes, my M told exH#1 all on her own). DS2 was like “what?!  What does that mean for Aunt Four?”

So I called Four this morning after finding out.  Luckily, LUCKILY Four never took the condo off the market.  M does not know this.  But all Four could tell M was that it was ok that she changed her mind, basically because she couldn’t stand to hear her cry anymore.

I am ANGRY.  Seeing red.  Not because she isn’t moving (I don’t really care if she does or not), but because she broke a commitment, and everything done now has to be undone.  People who were told have to be untold, etc.  And I’m mad at the “friends” whose cant keep their nose out of other peoples business.  I am mad that her friend’s opinions are more important than her adult children, who actually know her a whole lot better than the weekly visitors.

And yes, luckily I’m not the only one of my sisters to see how invalidating she is.
Title: Re: PAIM reneged after commitment to Four
Post by: Medowynd on April 11, 2018, 09:48:08 PM
Thank goodness SIS4 is not suddenly having to put the condo back on the market.  I have family members that always respect what others say, rather than listening to other famil members.  Makes for interesting discussions when the recommendations fall through.
Title: Re: PAIM reneged after commitment to Four
Post by: Thru the Rain on April 12, 2018, 02:35:19 AM
It sounds like your M might be absolutely loving the confusion and chaos swirling around. And all the attention? For little old me?  :roll:

I'm glad for your sake that you stayed out of this.