Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships => Topic started by: Wonder Woman on July 19, 2018, 03:10:00 AM

Title: Alienation by PD ex
Post by: Wonder Woman on July 19, 2018, 03:10:00 AM
Hi. Iím brand new here. I have long developed an understanding of NPD but I have recently realised by child has been severely alienated by lies told by the NPD parent. The child is now displaying very similar behaviours to a PD. ( may probably by C-PTSD). I have been scapegoated and maligned almost without stopping. ... how do children cope with this. Do they realise they are being brainwashed and lied to ? Has anyone else recovered from being alienated?
Title: Re: Alienation by PD ex
Post by: athene1399 on July 20, 2018, 10:27:02 AM
Welcome, Wonder Woman.  :)

It's a long exhausting road filled with unexpected turns, but I've heard at some point the child realizes what it going on even if it takes into adulthood. The best thing you can do is to not bad mouth the alienating parent, no matter how tempting that can be, and lead by example on how you want your child to act.

To answer your question, they do not realize they are being brainwashed. At least not for a while. As a child , you trust everything your parent says. It's just natural. And if you (the child) start to realize that your parent has PD problems, you want to help and protect them. It can be quite confusing for the child. And unfortunately disputing anything the alienating parent says will confuse the child even more. Some of that is age dependent. You can start to talk more about PDs when the child gets older (there is info in the "toolbox" on this site).

I believe there are a few survivors on this forum. I've also found some videos of survivors speaking on about parental alienation. Here's a helpful blog I found the other day written by a survivor: https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/ She has info about C-PTSD and behaviors of kids affected by parents with PDs.

What we've noticed is when SD is parroting back something she thinks her mother wants her to do or something she is pressuring her to do, if we ask her why she feels that way she generally says "I don't know." We've learned to just let it go. She will never give an answer other than that, and pressing her for an answer only frustrates her (and us). So it's best just to not dispute anything the alienating parent says, and lead by example, show your child unconditional love (because they do not get this with the PD parent- there are always strings attached).

Something I do for my own sanity, is get support from friends, family, others on this forum, and learn more about PDs. I have learned a lot about why BM does what she does and why. It makes it easier to predict when she will start problems again, but it also helps to humanize her. A lot of people with PDs are damaged and don't realize the damage they are causing to their kids (which by no means excuses the behavior, but I'm a "why" person so like knowing why they do what they do. Helps me to process). The PDs can't admit when they are wrong and become argumentative, so it's hard to explain things to them. I've read somewhere with NPD, it's best to try to create a win-win situation with them when communicating. I got that from a book by Dr. Craig Malkin. His mother had NPD. I found this in his book, "Rethinking Narcissism." I think the hardest part is learning to effectively co-parent with a PD parent. They don't like being questioned, especially when they think they are right. Our BM as some minor delusional thinking. We try to help her out, but it's better if she learns on her own or from someone else. If we question her thinking it generally only leads to an argument. She is getting better though. Stress over her job and money are generally what trigger her Narcissistic behaviors. So when we know she is getting stressed out, we kind of mentally prepare ourselves.

I guess my best advice is to keep hope. It's hard to go through, your child will need therapy at some point in time. He/she will have to once day decide if he/she wants to go no contact/limited contact with the PD parent. Just be supportive through the process. That is his/her decision to make. I hope this helps!  :)

I hope some of this helps.  :)
Title: Re: Alienation by PD ex
Post by: Rose1 on July 20, 2018, 08:16:43 PM
I also found making it clear what the rules are in my house and being consistent very important. I.e. dad let's me stay up all night. Well in this house we go to bed at -- because you need to be able to function at school. Or at dad's house he watches a program on tv we don't. Well in this house we don't and why. Also particular important with behaviour and how we treat each other. My rule was we work together and we are polite to each other. No exception.
I believe it was very helpful for my ds to have consistent rules and know the boundaries in our house.
Title: Re: Alienation by PD ex
Post by: bruceli on July 22, 2018, 05:59:10 PM
11 years ago, I told everyone what was going on, pd parents, the GAL assigned to us. Today, my children are indeed affected by it, and realize it but also know they are between a rock and hard place due to PDexw using money to control her mellinnial children. As young adults now, my relationship with them is substantialy greater, however,  one can sense the cognitive dissonance in them trying the best they can to play both sides against the middle. Very disheartening to a parent who tries to point out that itchy, scratchy, uncomfortable fleas are not normal.