Hello all. I am still doing well, I have had no contact since I stopped paying her phone bill months ago. I wanted to run something by everyone and maybe since I'm no longer in the relationship this should be another thread.
As some of you know, the car she drives is under my name and yes I pay the insurance. Perhaps it is cowardly but I prefer to pay than to try to get it back and store it someplace, deal with her etc. Anyhow the registration is due and I have to get it on the car. I DO NOT want to even text her. Her daughter who helped me last time got an earful from her mom for even associating with me so I don't want to put her through that.
Any thoughts? I know as always there are people here stuck in some terrible situations, so this is fairly minor, but I feel like I have ptsd when it comes to her.
So great to hear that you are doing well, mrstring!
This might be a good time to get that car and sell it. Since it's yours, you could have it towed to your house -- or some other secure place -- while you sell it. I'm remembering that you thought your ex might be using drugs in the car or transporting them with it. Between the insurance liability (should she have an accident) and the legal issues, that seems like a lot of risk to carry -- along with the financial cost to you.
Thank you as always openbluesky. I hate to admit it but I am not mentally ready to do that yet. It quite frankly scares me for some reason. Just the conflict and everything involved. Plus I could not get anywhere near the amount I owe. Which is an excuse.
Ideally if I could get her sons to buy it off me but they are no longer reasonable. I am mad at myself for freezing on this.
Good to hear from you Mr. String,
It is a sticky situation indeed. What happened to me was a car I'd given to a friend ended up racking up $1,000 in tolls that I ended up paying as the car was still in my name, Insurance and lawsuits are issues that could haunt you should she have an accident. I understand the place you are in but freezing here may not be in your long term best interest. I'd suggest getting the car back, paying it off or having someone take over the note and the car.
Hi Mr. String!
Coyote makes a very valid point. Even if she only drives the car to church on Sundays you cannot imagine the financial repercussions you would be responsible for if the car was involved in an accident. Or if it towed!
Is this the last thing that ties you to her? What happened with custody of the dog(s)? A few days of discomfort while you deal with this will be followed by permanent freedom!
;-)
Thanks Coyote as always. After being outside the relationship you realize how dysfunctional it was. The sense of entitlement of having someone pay for the car you drive. Anyhow. What you both say is true.
There are two other factors.
1. Since we got this car when we were together I feel some strange sense of honor to complete this to not take it from her. I know it probably doesn't make sense. Like breaking a promise. I know she cheated and capped on me but that's not me.
2. The dog. One still in her name. Which can be used as a weapon. Although Ive had them for the past 16 months about. So legally it would be tough for her to get back, although I doubt she even wants them
Yes. Sad dog mommy, I just saw your post. I do have the dogs. :)
Ok. Let's say I move forward with at the very least if not getting the car back but getting it out of my name. Where should I start?
I just spoke to the car loan company. Another option is for me to get a personal loan, pay off the loan company, get the title in my name, then put it in her name. Financially it would stink but I would be free of responsibility and insurance. I would probably bring the paper that puts the dog in my name too.
You will need to ask the Dept of Motor Vehicles in your state. In my state there is a form you can fill out saying you sold the car to whoever and it will absolve you of responsibility even if they never follow through on the title transfer.
Yes I forgot to add that I would have to sign it over to her and she would have to accept it.
I think in my state she does not have to accept. You just sign it over to her. I'd check with DMV and find out my options.
It would seem safer if they accepted, I'd hate for someone to put some clunker in my name and me not be aware of it.
If you've had the dogs 16 months, they are yours. If she tried to claim one, you could easily argue abandonment on her part. The car is yours, not hers. You've paid for it and insured it. Frankly, she's been lucky to drive it as long as she has.
Okay, so I have to ask: Are you sure you want to sever all ties with your ex? I ask this, because it seems like you are preserving ways to stay connected to her. I know I've done the same with my ex, because at some level I felt guilty about leaving.
I want to badly sever all ties. If I just took the car it would be messy and I would always being figuratively looking over my shoulder. So I would not feel it's over.
I agree about the dog but even the police I have asked said if it's in her name it's her property and they would suggest I hand the dog over to keep the peace. If it went to court I would think I would win.
Quote from: openskyblue on September 19, 2018, 12:54:57 PM
If you've had the dogs 16 months, they are yours. If she tried to claim one, you could easily argue abandonment on her part. The car is yours, not hers. You've paid for it and insured it. Frankly, she's been lucky to drive it as long as she has.
Okay, so I have to ask: Are you sure you want to sever all ties with your ex? I ask this, because it seems like you are preserving ways to stay connected to her. I know I've done the same with my ex, because at some level I felt guilty about leaving.
It is interesting I do feel a bit of guilt that I left her in bad shape. Logically if makes no sense.
Some friends think I should just take the car. So do some of you. I just don't have the heart to do it.
Mrstring! So glad to hear from you. In my opinion, something has to give. You can't have contact with her because she is disordered. Because of HER behaviour whether intentional or not, you can't be together. So, how the heck can you share anything with her? To boot, she got mad at her daughter that was helping HER. I don't see any other amicable options here. She is actually forcing you to sever ties with this vehicle. Think about it....if you can't get the registration renewed, she can't drive it. So you are going to have to make contact one way or another. I'm sorry this is so agonizing. You have been doing so well. You got this.
I get it Mr. String.
After being out of our marital home for nine months, and experiencing the peace and solitude of my own home, it is agonizing to me to tie up the loose ends that require STBXH's buy off or involvement, the pending items to get our divorce to the end of the road. I am perhaps "one of the lucky ones" on this forum, comparatively speaking, nonetheless I HESITATE to engage STBXH in any way. It's like inviting more abuse, inviting an argument, disagreement, manipulation from someone for whom that is the standard operating procedure, that basically no matter what I say or do it is taken in a negative light. So, I have dragged my feet in moving forward.
So, I understand your inclination to let sleeping dogs lie. But, in this situation, it just seems like you're leaving yourself too much at risk to not deal with it. Even if you take a personal loan and basically give her the car, just get it out of your name.
Thank you for the responses and feedback. I should really just keep my thoughts and conversations here to those who understand. I discussed with a few co workers who are very supportive but they are not where my head is at. As cant look back said, it is letting sleeping dogs lie. Unfortunately my hand is forced because my car has to be registered and she closed the door on the easy for both of us method.
I texted quite a bit to her daughter yesterday, she says she still considers me family which is sweet and hasn't seen her mom in 5 months. I found out her mom is renting a room and hanging out with "kids" half her age, she is in her early fifties. The good news is, renting a room with that lifestyle she can't even take or try to take the dogs back. I guess 1st step is to see if I get approved for the personal loan and go from their.
I feel I am so close to complete freedom. Yesterday just thinking about it was a very draining day and I appreciate everyone being here.
I hate to be a naysayer again, but what if you get the loan to pay off the car and she won't assume ownership? She may not be able (financially or mentally) pay for the insurance. Or she might just say no to spite you and inconvenience you .
Quote from: openskyblue on September 20, 2018, 09:49:29 AM
I hate to be a naysayer again, but what if you get the loan to pay off the car and she won't assume ownership? She may not be able (financially or mentally) pay for the insurance. Or she might just say no to spite you and inconvenience you .
She wouldn't do that she is very reasonable. :)
That is a very good point. I'll have to think that one out. Because a personal loan will probably be a higher interest rate than I have now. Which I won't care if she takes it but she can balk at the last moment or even at the DMV. Then I can take the car...hmm. I am glad you said something.
I've learned the hard way! My ex consistently does things that are counter to his own well being just to say no and/or hurt me -- or just because.
Quote from: openskyblue on September 20, 2018, 10:21:44 AM
I've learned the hard way! My ex consistently does things that are counter to his own well being just to say no and/or hurt me -- or just because.
Yes, if she gives me a hard time I may have to get the law involved. Saying she can drive and even have the car but has to accept title.
Easy to type on a forum, very hard for me to do.
Plus I don't want it to effect my current relationship. She knows the situation but it's that one last thread.
Hello. Ok, I am now putting my plan into play. In the last two weeks in the mail I received a $400 handicap parking ticket and a few days later she got into an accident, which she is still not calling the claims agent back. This may not be the best way but it is what I am most comfortable with.
First let me say that both dogs are in my name. :)
1. Take a 401k loan out and pay off the car from the dealer
2, Put it in her name, then she has the ownership and all the responsibilities that come with it, Insurance, registration, etc
Problems are
1. She may not want to take ownership of the car, she may not even respond or act out.
In that case I may have to get the police involved, saying, Look the car is mine, I don't want to report it stolen but she has to take ownership
Sadly I am in text contact with two of her adult kids and they don't even talk to her anymore, not even for holidays, so I can't ask for them to mediate.
The end is near but I have some tricky maneuvering.
I hope everyone is doing well. I was looking at some posts. some people in some very bad spots. I feel like responding but always afraid I will say the wrong thing.
Glad to hear from you! And that you have possession of your dogs! Hurray!
But, I have to ask: Why are you putting yourself at risk financially and legally by letting her drive your car? You are under no obligation to take care of her any longer -- and have been more than generous thus far. She's taken advantage of that, IMHO. Please don't take a loan out on your 401K to buy out the loan on your own car. That's the ultimate cut nose/spite face maneuver, and will hurt you by taking funds out of your 401K portfolio that could be earning for your retirement. If she's wracking up expensive tickets ($400!) and crashing your car, you are well within your rights to take the car back into your possession.
This seems like a classic 3 C's experience: You didn't cause the problem. You can't cure the problem. You can't control the problem, No one can force her to take possession of the car. What you can control is taking your own car back and, given her behavior and the likelihood she could be doing illegal stuff in the care, that seems like the most self-protective way to go here.
Having been married to a felon, I can tell you that the police and prosecutors don't really care much to consider nuance, when it comes to where crimes occur and who is on the deed or the title. They can and do go after whomever they can. I'd recommend cutting off this last connection with her, for the sake of your peace of mind, at the least -- and your financial and legal safety, at the most. Good luck!
Nice to hear from you bluesky. I'll consider what you say. My plan is removing all responsibility except financial of course. This is the least amount of contact I can think of. I will think about what you said though. :)
Maybe another way to think about this:
If you were married, you would be in or have finished up a financial settlement. This would have included dividing all assets you held together and settling matters of ownership, including that of any cars you had. Typical options would have included one of you buying out the other in terms of the car -- or house or other asset. It's just something to think about. I know all of this has been a difficult process for you to get through. Sometimes it helps to consider things in terms of the balance sheet and liability only.
Don't forget likely tax obligations to taking money out of 401k. I agree with the above. This car has huge risks to you. Best if you take it back and then either drive it or do with it what you can control. I understand it's difficult but the fear of what she may do is likely reduced now because her choices ore more limited.
Best to reduce all your risk.
Quote from: openskyblue on February 26, 2019, 05:18:09 PM
Maybe another way to think about this:
If you were married, you would be in or have finished up a financial settlement. This would have included dividing all assets you held together and settling matters of ownership, including that of any cars you had. Typical options would have included one of you buying out the other in terms of the car -- or house or other asset. It's just something to think about. I know all of this has been a difficult process for you to get through. Sometimes it helps to consider things in terms of the balance sheet and liability only.
Bluesky.
The way I look at it is I have to pay the car off one way or another. I really don't feel like swapping cars and don't want to leave her without a car. But I am over being responsible for the car. So she can either take ownership or I will have to take it.
Rose. Thank you too. The 401k is a loan and not taxed unless I don't pay it back.
Quote from: openskyblue on February 26, 2019, 05:18:09 PM
Maybe another way to think about this:
If you were married, you would be in or have finished up a financial settlement. This would have included dividing all assets you held together and settling matters of ownership, including that of any cars you had. Typical options would have included one of you buying out the other in terms of the car -- or house or other asset. It's just something to think about. I know all of this has been a difficult process for you to get through. Sometimes it helps to consider things in terms of the balance sheet and liability only.
How would I "take" the car anyhow? I don't want to report it stolen because I know she is driving it.
Since it's your car, you are within your rights to go take it from wherever it is. it might be a good idea to go to the local police precinct, explain the situation, and tell them that you would appreciate police presence when you go to get your car. Have the title and insurance documents for the car with you, so they can match up the VIN numbers. The only problem with this scenario is if she has anything illegal in the car. If the police find it, you could be charged with possession.
Quote from: openskyblue on February 27, 2019, 02:05:38 PM
Since it's your car, you are within your rights to go take it from wherever it is. it might be a good idea to go to the local police precinct, explain the situation, and tell them that you would appreciate police presence when you go to get your car. Have the title and insurance documents for the car with you, so they can match up the VIN numbers. The only problem with this scenario is if she has anything illegal in the car. If the police find it, you could be charged with possession.
Then I better not it do it that way. I don't think she does. But better to play it safe.
Quote from: openskyblue on February 27, 2019, 02:05:38 PM
Since it's your car, you are within your rights to go take it from wherever it is. it might be a good idea to go to the local police precinct, explain the situation, and tell them that you would appreciate police presence when you go to get your car. Have the title and insurance documents for the car with you, so they can match up the VIN numbers.
I was thinking the same thing as openskyblue. Call or visit your local precinct and explain your situation and see what they suggest. Maybe this happens all the time and there is an easy way to get the car back from her? I don't know how much is left time is left on the car loan but it seems like she has the better end of this arrangement. Is this the last financial tie you have to her?
:)
Quote from: sad_dog_mommy on February 27, 2019, 03:53:02 PM
Quote from: openskyblue on February 27, 2019, 02:05:38 PM
Since it's your car, you are within your rights to go take it from wherever it is. it might be a good idea to go to the local police precinct, explain the situation, and tell them that you would appreciate police presence when you go to get your car. Have the title and insurance documents for the car with you, so they can match up the VIN numbers.
I was thinking the same thing as openskyblue. Call or visit your local precinct and explain your situation and see what they suggest. Maybe this happens all the time and there is an easy way to get the car back from her? I don't know how much is left time is left on the car loan but it seems like she has the better end of this arrangement. Is this the last financial tie you have to her?
:)
Yes, last tie. :)
I can imagine the conversation with the police.
I would like to GIVE her the car that she is driving and is in my name to put it in her name but she is refusing.
I hope I'm not beating a dead horse here or being insensitive, but why do you want to give her the car? She created pain and suffering in your life, as well as cost you quite a bit of money. I remember your posts as you were leaving, and the whole scenario was scary and abusive.
It's understandable that you don't want to expose yourself to more abuse and difficulty, but allowing her to drive your car really does put you at legal and financial risk. I guess I"m not understanding why you feel you owe her a free car and insurance.
"I would like to GIVE her the car that she is driving and is in my name to put it in her name but she is refusing." Right now, she has the right to use a car but none of the responsibilities of ownership. No wonder she doesn't want the car in her name.
Quote from: openskyblue on February 27, 2019, 06:57:42 PM
I hope I'm not beating a dead horse here or being insensitive, but why do you want to give her the car? She created pain and suffering in your life, as well as cost you quite a bit of money. I remember your posts as you were leaving, and the whole scenario was scary and abusive.
It's understandable that you don't want to expose yourself to more abuse and difficulty, but allowing her to drive your car really does put you at legal and financial risk. I guess I"m not understanding why you feel you owe her a free car and insurance.
I just want to be done of the responsibility of the car. When I give it to her or at least try, it will be off my name so no insurance, no registration, to ties to it other than paying it off. I want to be done with her forever. Plus it seems just mean to take the car. Maybe I am dense. I could switch cars and give her the one I am driving since it is paid off and take the other one but that would be more dragged out and painful. Plus I don't want that car. I suppose I can take it, sell it and use it as a down payment but either way I still owe the money for it.
Quote from: Poison Ivy on February 27, 2019, 07:04:38 PM
"I would like to GIVE her the car that she is driving and is in my name to put it in her name but she is refusing." Right now, she has the right to use a car but none of the responsibilities of ownership. No wonder she doesn't want the car in her name.
Bingo. So she has two choices, I take the car or she keeps it and puts it in her name. That is what is in the works, I have to pay it off first. I am shooting for 2 or 3 weeks then I 'm done one way or the other.
You can't force her to take it, so I think you should keep it.
Quote from: mrstring on February 27, 2019, 07:45:05 PM
Bingo. So she has two choices, I take the car or she keeps it and puts it in her name. That is what is in the works, I have to pay it off first. I am shooting for 2 or 3 weeks then I 'm done one way or the other.
Actually, she has three choices -- the last one being that she could do nothing and just keep driving your car.
If you cancel the insurance on the car, the liability is on you and you'll be fined by your state for having an uninsured vehicle. This is a hefty fine that just accrues until you re-insure it -- and then that raises your car insurance on all your other cars.
Quote from: openskyblue on February 27, 2019, 09:14:14 PM
Quote from: mrstring on February 27, 2019, 07:45:05 PM
Bingo. So she has two choices, I take the car or she keeps it and puts it in her name. That is what is in the works, I have to pay it off first. I am shooting for 2 or 3 weeks then I 'm done one way or the other.
Actually, she has three choices -- the last one being that she could do nothing and just keep driving your car.
If you cancel the insurance on the car, the liability is on you and you'll be fined by your state for having an uninsured vehicle. This is a hefty fine that just accrues until you re-insure it -- and then that raises your car insurance on all your other cars.
That is not a third option, it is what has been going on for the past over two years. I will say you can keep the car and take possession or I will take it. Id rather not take it. But me having responsibility for it when she is driving it won't be an option anymore. I should have done this two years ago. I don't feel right leaving her with no car. Maybe I'm still broken that way, maybe I'm too nice but the way things are now is very dangerous.
Be careful about giving options. The car could "disappear". Nothing in this indicates you're dealing with a rational mind otherwise it would have been sorted 2 years ago.
If it dissappears then I report it stolen.
After thinking on what everyone is saying plus yesterday I got a call from a claims adjuster that she got into another accident I have to be more aggressive. I'm trying to be nice about it but I can really get screwed.
I spoke to an attorney yesterday who recommended an investigator. I have to find where she lives then I have to take the car. She may live in it, I don't know. Once I get it I'll have to take her stuff out and sell it for whatever I can get. I'm very scared because she is very unstable but this is my life for now.
Oh my gosh. I am so sorry. That call from the claims adjuster must have ruined your day. Do you have a key to the car? I mean, legally it is YOUR car so taking it back isn't cruel. It is self-preservation! If she were to hurt someone with the car it could potentially ruin your credit and savings.
In the back of her mind I am sure she knows the time will eventually come when you take the car back. You have been fair and kind and beyond generous but she is no longer your responsibility. She has become a liability.
((( hug )))
Quote from: sad_dog_mommy on March 01, 2019, 09:49:11 AM
Oh my gosh. I am so sorry. That call from the claims adjuster must have ruined your day. Do you have a key to the car? I mean, legally it is YOUR car so taking it back isn't cruel. It is self-preservation! If she were to hurt someone with the car it could potentially ruin your credit and savings.
In the back of her mind I am sure she knows the time will eventually come when you take the car back. You have been fair and kind and beyond generous but she is no longer your responsibility. She has become a liability.
((( hug )))
Thank you. I had a very sleepless night for sure. I started thinking of it this way. If I had a teenage daughter and she was driving my car, got into 2 accidents and a parking ticket I would take the car. The problem is with a daughter you can tell her then do it. With my ex if I tell her she may get vindictive and do something worse. Anyhow, thank you all for your support. I am very lucky to be in a now caring relationship and a great family, but you here, aside from being very supportive as well, but you have been there in these type of relationships and have a special way of looking at it. I appreciate this site.
If you hire an investigator, you'll likely find her pretty quickly. I'm not sure why the lawyer suggested you sell her belongings. That seems like it might get you in more hot water, as it may be theft of property. You might want to just leave them on the curb where you find the car. Just a suggestion.
The investigator might be able to go with you to retrieve the car. Many times, these investigators are ex-police or have connections with the police department. He/she might be able to get you some help that way, too.
Quote from: openskyblue on March 01, 2019, 10:25:49 AM
If you hire an investigator, you'll likely find her pretty quickly. I'm not sure why the lawyer suggested you sell her belongings. That seems like it might get you in more hot water, as it may be theft of property. You might want to just leave them on the curb where you find the car. Just a suggestion.
The investigator might be able to go with you to retrieve the car. Many times, these investigators are ex-police or have connections with the police department. He/she might be able to get you some help that way, too.
Sorry, bad sentence structure. I meant, I may have to take her stuff out so I can sell the car. I plan on boxing it and giving it to her kids or at least give them the chance. I don't want to hurt anyone, even her, but I see no other way.
If you don't want a confrontation with her, what about hiring someone that repossesses cars for banks? That happens all the time when people default on loans. The car belongs to you, so someone should be able to go get it for you as long as you can show proof of ownership.
You'd still have to give her belongings back to her, but then you can control the situation and do it on your own terms. (Maybe give her belongings to one of her kids or something)
Just a thought, since the subject of hiring an investigator came up.
Quote from: pushit on March 01, 2019, 12:42:56 PM
If you don't want a confrontation with her, what about hiring someone that repossesses cars for banks? That happens all the time when people default on loans.
:yeahthat: Great idea! Private tow truck companies do repos all the time.
Thank you both. The problem is finding her. I just had a conversation with my insurance agent. She said when I get the title in my name I can remove my name and put it in her name at that time the agent said they can remove me from her insurance or hers from mine, either way I am clear. Once again the problem is finding her to give her that paperwork. The investigator I spoke to also earlier today said that since she doesn't have a job and may just be renting a room it would be very tough to find her. $500 up front $125 an hour after that.
Quote from: mrstring on March 01, 2019, 01:59:49 PM
Thank you both. The problem is finding her. I just had a conversation with my insurance agent. She said when I get the title in my name I can remove my name and put it in her name at that time the agent said they can remove me from her insurance or hers from mine, either way I am clear. Once again the problem is finding her to give her that paperwork. The investigator I spoke to also earlier today said that since she doesn't have a job and may just be renting a room it would be very tough to find her. $500 up front $125 an hour after that.
Hate to be a wet blanket, but you can't sign someone onto a car title without their permission and signature. Also, the title then has to get registered with the state.
At this point, if you don't know where she is and she is racking up costs to you and damaging your car, the quickest way to find the car may be to report it as stolen.
Quote from: openskyblue on March 01, 2019, 02:52:51 PM
Quote from: mrstring on March 01, 2019, 01:59:49 PM
Thank you both. The problem is finding her. I just had a conversation with my insurance agent. She said when I get the title in my name I can remove my name and put it in her name at that time the agent said they can remove me from her insurance or hers from mine, either way I am clear. Once again the problem is finding her to give her that paperwork. The investigator I spoke to also earlier today said that since she doesn't have a job and may just be renting a room it would be very tough to find her. $500 up front $125 an hour after that.
Hate to be a wet blanket, but you can't sign someone onto a car title without their permission and signature. Also, the title then has to get registered with the state.
At this point, if you don't know where she is and she is racking up costs to you and damaging your car, the quickest way to find the car may be to report it as stolen.
I don't know if she takes responsibility or ownership of it but I can release my liability.
Bluesky, I had a long talk with the DMV. She has to sign off on the odometer and take the title. Then it will get mailed to her to register I believe. The nice woman also said to try to email her or text her a few times. Then that way if she doesn't respond I have it documented and can file a police report, especially with her not responding to the claims agent. Otherwise it may be an issue that she had the car for over two years and I only now noticed it missing.
So you are right about her have to agreeing to it. I fill out a release of liability and do it as a gift.
So, Title is almost mine. I am thinking of sending a text or email something like this. I can't put "or I will call the police even in a later email or text because supposedly that is extortion"
Hello,
I no longer want ownership of the car. If you want it, I am willing to transfer Title over to you as a gift. If not I will need it back so I can sell it. I will need you to sign the transfer of liability and an address. If you don't want me to know yours perhaps I can put a third party person then you can change later. Please let me know what you decide. Thank you"
My recommendation is to limit the options of where this could go wrong. I would not give her the option of having a third party involved, because that is just one more thing that could slow things down, screw things up. I would tell her you are willing to give her the car, attach to your email the form she needs to fill out and send to DMV. Once completed, she will need to email back the signed forms so you know she has completed them. I would recommend saying that this has to happen within a time frame, perhaps five business days. Give her a actual deadline by which you need the paperwork back -- on such and such a day by COB. Let her know that if you don't have the the completed forms back to you by the deadline, you will take possession of the car back. Keep it short and sweet.
You are doing a VERY generous thing by giving her the car. No one in my life ever gave me a car, not even my parents!
Quote from: openskyblue on March 11, 2019, 11:43:20 AM
My recommendation is to limit the options of where this could go wrong. I would not give her the option of having a third party involved, because that is just one more thing that could slow things down, screw things up. I would tell her you are willing to give her the car, attach to your email the form she needs to fill out and send to DMV. Once completed, she will need to email back the signed forms so you know she has completed them. I would recommend saying that this has to happen within a time frame, perhaps five business days. Give her a actual deadline by which you need the paperwork back -- on such and such a day by COB. Let her know that if you don't have the the completed forms back to you by the deadline, you will take possession of the car back. Keep it short and sweet.
You are doing a VERY generous thing by giving her the car. No one in my life ever gave me a car, not even my parents!
Thank you. I like that email idea alot. And yes it's nice but it's the path of least resistance to be honest. The thought of talking to her or seeing her puts my stomach in knots.
Good luck! I know this has been a long and hard journey. And you've overcome so much to get where you are.
Quote from: openskyblue on March 11, 2019, 05:41:44 PM
Good luck! I know this has been a long and hard journey. And you've overcome so much to get where you are.
Thank you. One last step. :)
Absolutely. Time limit , notification includes you by cob Fri say, minimum time to think about it because she already knows what she wants, take car back and follow through. Start finding her now because if the past is anything to go by, she won't answer.
Keep it business.
Quote from: Rose1 on March 11, 2019, 10:51:06 PM
Absolutely. Time limit , notification includes you by cob Fri say, minimum time to think about it because she already knows what she wants, take car back and follow through. Start finding her now because if the past is anything to go by, she won't answer.
Keep it business.
I do think about the time limit but in a way it gives her an excuse to procrastinate. If I say what I am going to text/email and then don't hear back from her in about 5 days I can say I have not heard back and therefor assume you don't want the car and will attempting to repossess it. It's tricky.
Rose1 is spot on -- Keep it all business and start looking for her now. If you can't find her, you may need to file a missing/stolen car report with the police.
I was talking to my brother on this who has been my rock in all of this. He said by not emailing or texting her now is doing what I did for so much of the relationship, trying to not trigger her. Trying to phrase the email and text the right way, worried about how she might react instead of what is best for me. Very true. After 2 years and 3 months out, I am still scared. Weird.
Please don't be too hard on yourself. I agree with your brother, but you have pulled yourself out of a difficult, abuse relationship. I was also a caretaker to an abusive PD, and I know how easily it is to fall back into that "maybe I can avoid more drama, if I word it this way" thinking.
I think you hit the nail on the head: The most important thing is to do what is right for you and protects you. Leaving the car with her without a formal transfer of ownership puts you in many dangerous situations, because you are basically carrying the liability for whatever misguided thing your PD ex does. If she ran over someone with that car today, the victim's family could sue you and win.
Hang in there! You've got this.
Quote from: openskyblue on March 12, 2019, 02:49:24 PM
Please don't be too hard on yourself. I agree with your brother, but you have pulled yourself out of a difficult, abuse relationship. I was also a caretaker to an abusive PD, and I know how easily it is to fall back into that "maybe I can avoid more drama, if I word it this way" thinking.
I think you hit the nail on the head: The most important thing is to do what is right for you and protects you. Leaving the car with her without a formal transfer of ownership puts you in many dangerous situations, because you are basically carrying the liability for whatever misguided thing your PD ex does. If she ran over someone with that car today, the victim's family could sue you and win.
Hang in there! You've got this.
Yes definitely still guilty of this ""maybe I can avoid more drama, if I word it this way" I have my wording down, I just have to find the time table to get the loan and then pay off the car loan and get the Title in my hand. I am very nervous but will most likely send the email/text today
You have come so far, you got this to. Everytime I struggle with having to make a hard decision that I know will cause some drama, I ask myself can I just leave it as is and ignore it? When I answer NO, I HAVE to deal with this I am more at terms with understanding I really have no choice. The alternative is doing nothing. You know deep down inside that upu can't just ignore this. Be strong. Nothing is worse than bring under same roof as her. You are free!
Quote from: Liftedfog on March 13, 2019, 08:57:25 PM
You have come so far, you got this to. Everytime I struggle with having to make a hard decision that I know will cause some drama, I ask myself can I just leave it as is and ignore it? When I answer NO, I HAVE to deal with this I am more at terms with understanding I really have no choice. The alternative is doing nothing. You know deep down inside that upu can't just ignore this. Be strong. Nothing is worse than bring under same roof as her. You are free!
Yes, no doubt about me doing this. The combined 401k loans is available. Sadly no matter what happens I have to do this loan.
1. She accepts it
or
2. I have to repo it and sell it
The Title has to be in my name and I can't have the bank as a shareholder.
The timing when I text/email is tricky
Loan will take 2 days to process
Check will be mailed to me, probably another 3 or 4 days
Paying the loan off will take up to 5 business days according to the bank
Then they notify the state who will mail me the Title probably another 3 to 5 days
Most likely 16 business days. 1st week in April. So I don't want to give her too much notice because that will draw out contact until I get Title.
I am almost clear but this hurdle is a doozy. :)
But as you say the worst is behind me, living with her, under scrutiny and horrible accusations, fearing the police being called.
Gosh, what a hassle! Your situation reminds me of SO MANY similar ones I had with my ex. There were no straightforward situations with him, just big snarky messes that took enormous amounts of energy to fix. I'm very glad to be out of that — and happy that you are almost out too.
Fingers crossed for you!
Little update. I spoke to the DMV 4 times over the last 3 days over the phone because I like to make sure someone is not giving me bad info. They said that since I own the title and I completed the release of liability form online that I am protected even if she never signs or turns in the Title. When the registration comes due, in October and it is not registered, it may get impounded and they check the DMV records. They may reach out to me to see if I want to but it back from an auction. I also still may get parking tickets in the mail but I would submit to them the release of liability form or they may request one be sent from the DMV for a 5 dollar fee.
So that being said. I emailed her on the two emails I have. To summarize.
-I switched liability of the car to you
-I will have the title in 7 to 14 days, let me know how you want to get it to sign it and turn it in
-You are covered for insurance until the end of the month, the insurance company will be in touch to start your own
I thought 1 of 2 things would happen
1. Silence
2. Four pages of profanity and accusations with a little guilt thrown in
Instead she said, I am paraphrasing
I will get back to you at a later date regarding this matter
Which leads me to believe her email was hacked or she is being coached.
Anyhow, I am getting very close now. :)
I'm so glad to hear that things are progressing and that there is a clear path forward that protects you from liability for the inevitable fall out of your ex not handling the car right. That you won't be liable for the car, what she does with it, tickets, etc is great news.
I chuckled over her response. Classic ungrateful and entitled kick the can down the road PD response. Now a normal response would have been "Wow, thanks so much for giving me a car free and clear of all debt and insuring it for me for, like, ever. This is very generous. I will make sure I've completed all the paperwork and sends you signed copies this week."
But, you are not dealing with normal. My hat is off to you for getting things organized and accomplished. It sure hasn't been easy!
Quote from: openskyblue on April 05, 2019, 12:11:39 PM
I'm so glad to hear that things are progressing and that there is a clear path forward that protects you from liability for the inevitable fall out of your ex not handling the car right. That you won't be liable for the car, what she does with it, tickets, etc is great news.
I chuckled over her response. Classic ungrateful and entitled kick the can down the road PD response. Now a normal response would have been "Wow, thanks so much for giving me a car free and clear of all debt and insuring it for me for, like, ever. This is very generous. I will make sure I've completed all the paperwork and sends you signed copies this week."
But, you are not dealing with normal. My hat is off to you for getting things organized and accomplished. It sure hasn't been easy!
That is funny, my brother said the same thing over her response. It didn't even dawn on me. I expected her to be ungrateful. She view what she is perceived losing instead of gaining. She probably read it as "I am not paying for your insurance or any tickets anymore, so screw you!" :)
Some people in my life, ok probably all, think I am nuts for even giving her the car. Maybe, I am part coward, maybe part of me feels since when we were together it was supposed to be her car, maybe part of me linked to her is not thinking right, all I know for a lot LESS than people pay for alimony and messy divorces, I will be tie free.
Thanks Bluesky for all your encouragement and being a good person to bounce ideas off of. Same goes for everyone else.
Very happy to help! Hey, we all have to figure out what works, how to get free. It looks like you found your way to get good and truly disconnected from your ex. And you got your dogs out safe and sound. Bravo!
:thumbup: well done. The relief will kick in soon I hope.
I received the Title on Saturday. I emailed her and texted her the next day, basically the same thing as before but this time with no response. I called the DMV yesterday and asked what I already asked but I am overly cautious. Since I submitted the release of liability it is really on her to get the Title. I don;t have to worry about insuring it because I did this and she is driving it. Any parking tickets and toll road tickets(3 at the end of March) will now be mailed to her. I don't even know if she lives there anymore but it will be forwarded to her or her son who I believe she lived with at that location. So I am in the clear. :) If she does not take the Title by the time it comes to register it, in November, the car will most likely be impounded. I also doubt she will insure it, so will probably lose it.
Part of me feels like I should at least let her daughter know what is going on. She has been very nice and basically on my side, but I truthfully don't know what difference it would make. She doesn't talk to her mom anyhow.
That's great news. I'm so glad this has worked out for you.
My 2 cents is to not call her daughter. That's just another connection to your ex you don't need -- and she doesn't talk to her mom anyway.
Wishing smooth sailing!
Quote from: openskyblue on April 16, 2019, 12:44:40 PM
That's great news. I'm so glad this has worked out for you.
My 2 cents is to not call her daughter. That's just another connection to your ex you don't need -- and she doesn't talk to her mom anyway.
Wishing smooth sailing!
Thank you. I was going to text the daughter not call. We text from time to time, just about funny stuff and things like that so the connection is there. I know they track their mom from time to time just to make sure she is ok. I still may but your input is appreciated. Although as you said they don't talk anyhow. The only reason is if their mom loses the car and they could help or have a heads up. You know what? As I am typing this, it's not my problem.
Not your circus, not your monkeys = my favorite saying of all time.
Quote from: openskyblue on April 16, 2019, 04:56:57 PM
Not your circus, not your monkeys = my favorite saying of all time.
Good point. Although her daughter has been nice and even expressed appreciation to me for being a good father type person in her life, she said it nicer, I just can't remember the exact words. That being said her nor any of her kids expressed any interest in trying to lessen my burden over the last two years, from the phone bill, to the car, registration, etc. So IF and quite frankly I believe WHEN my ex loses the car, either for lack of insurance, unpaid parking tickets, just being reckless, she will fall and lean on the kids. I was just thinking of giving them a heads up, but they were not there for me. So the heck with it.
Oddly enough her daughter did text me yesterday, completely unrelated to what was happening. She just wanted to send me a funny picture of me from years ago. :) I did fill her in and she was very glad I did that and removed liability. She said she and her brothers suspects she is back on drugs and want to get her into rehab. Between that and her mental illness is a very dangerous combination. She also mentioned that she showed up at one of her family members house, the brother of her daughter's ex, who she cheated on me with, and banged on the door and 1am and in the morning held the door close so his wife couldn't go to work. Scary stuff. I am so glad I am away but can't help to feel very sad for her.
Be careful with where you put your sympathy. Giving sympathy to someone who is manipulative and has no interest in doing right by you is a dangerous door to open.
Your ex is an adult and she makes the choices she has to live with -- just like you or I do. Her life looks the way it does because of her choices.
Quote from: mrstring on April 18, 2019, 10:31:10 AM
I am so glad I am away but can't help to feel very sad for her.
Of course you feel sad for her! No one would wish manic behavior and drug addiction on another person. Speaking for my own co-dependent issues feeling sorry for my exBF was one of the things that kept me tethered to him. [trauma bond] Now that things have shifted in my head I feel sorry for his children instead. They do not have a father they can count on for support or friendship.
You are a good egg Mr String.
Quote from: openskyblue on April 18, 2019, 10:47:27 AM
Be careful with where you put your sympathy. Giving sympathy to someone who is manipulative and has no interest in doing right by you is a dangerous door to open.
Your ex is an adult and she makes the choices she has to live with -- just like you or I do. Her life looks the way it does because of her choices.
I agree, but my ties are cut now, aside from gifting her the car my obligations are done. Long after they should have been. As to why I gifted her the car instead of just taking it? I guess I am not 100% sure, maybe one day I'll figure it out. In the meantime. I am done.
Quote from: sad_dog_mommy on April 18, 2019, 11:07:32 AM
Quote from: mrstring on April 18, 2019, 10:31:10 AM
I am so glad I am away but can't help to feel very sad for her.
Of course you feel sad for her! No one would wish manic behavior and drug addiction on another person. Speaking for my own co-dependent issues feeling sorry for my exBF was one of the things that kept me tethered to him. [trauma bond] Now that things have shifted in my head I feel sorry for his children instead. They do not have a father they can count on for support or friendship.
You are a good egg Mr String.
Uh oh, the dreaded Page 5!
I do also feel sad for her kids. I am sure it's tough to see their mom like that. Thank you for the compliment. :)