Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers => Topic started by: Trytobegood on October 05, 2018, 11:51:51 AM

Title: Freeing Realization - I don't have to answer every question Friend Poses
Post by: Trytobegood on October 05, 2018, 11:51:51 AM
So I am trying to limit contact with a friend who is just "too much" - talks too much, is exhausting to be around, probably uNPD. We're the only 2 unmarrieds in our group of friends so if I don't want to do things with her, she assumes it's because I'm dating. Maybe I am, but it's also because I'm not going to participate in every thing she wants to do with me. I'm fine just maybe seeing her once a month, and even that exhausts me before, during and after. And after this weekend, which maybe I'll write in a different post, I'm fine not  being around her for a very long, long time.

But she's constantly sending me FB invites to things she's interested in that she feels I'll be interested in (wine tasting, jazz concerts, etc.) which I sometimes am, TBH. But I don't do crowds. Still she'll send these 3-4 a day. I typically ignore them but one was for a jazz concert featuring my brother, so she re-sent it, asking pointedly Are You Going? I replied to that one, that I was going to see him a different night this week.

Of course, she responded quickly with Oh, with a date, or as a family event? either way have a good time. I didn't respond. Yay me!

It felt freeing, realizing I didn't owe her an answer to every nosy question she asked me. Before coming OOF, I would have responded, but I'm a very private person, which she knows.

In fact, I had to call her out recently for asking me, Have you ever paid off your student loans? (WTF, when did I ever mention THAT to her?) I was so flabbergasted I actually replied, but then later, upon reflection, I texted her that that was none of her business and I was not happy that she asked me that.

As I said, going VLC is the best thing I can do besides just complete NC.

She still consumes too much of my thinking time.
Title: Re: Freeing Realization - I don't have to answer every question Friend Poses
Post by: coyote on October 05, 2018, 01:30:20 PM
Look at Grey Rock. The idea is to be so dull and boring you are left alone.
Title: Re: Freeing Realization - I don't have to answer every question Friend Poses
Post by: openskyblue on October 05, 2018, 02:24:28 PM
 :yeahthat:

Oh my, I think I have that same friend. This friend nearly killed me in a car accident many years ago, something that (ahem) had a chilling effect on our friendship, to say the least. Yet, she regularly messages me articles, pictures, etc. I tried not responding to them. Didn't work. We have mutual old friends, so I decided not to block her, just ignore her. Not exactly perfect solution, but sorta works.

FB sure does make it easy for people to know your business. Over the last few years, I've blocked, unfollowed, or muted quite a few people. It's a fun way to keep up with old friends in a light, casual way, but organize my social life through FB -- no thanks.
Title: Re: Freeing Realization - I don't have to answer every question Friend Poses
Post by: Trytobegood on October 05, 2018, 05:12:31 PM
Friend just commented (2 comments) on a library chair picture I posted on FB (has bunch of shelves for books all around it, really cool!) that I should get my son-in-law to build it for me - for Christmas!
First of all, don't volunteer him to build me something, second of all, I just posted it as something cool and interesting. Get out of my business!
Title: Re: Freeing Realization - I don't have to answer every question Friend Poses
Post by: openskyblue on October 05, 2018, 05:50:54 PM
Yikes! That's invasive. And if your nephew sees it, he may think you expect him to build it for you. Talk about a cascading effect of confusion and bad feelings!

In my experience, sometimes I've been able to gently but firmly call people like your friend out on her stuff. Something like:

"I don't make it a habit to expect my dear nephew to do such things. His smiling face is enough! "