I just wondered if others had this, where the NC parents make up a story to explain your NC. With mine they seem to think
I'm 'angry' about a single incident, and also possibly that is it something to do with DH. That he is controlling, perhaps. What stories do yours make up if any? :unsure:
I m unsure what they say as I havennt asked my siblings but my sil hinted that they feel I was grossly exaggerating matters. My brother seems to think that I need to distance myself to see it s not that bad and says things cannot improve unless I have contact so they can say sorry ... (and start again?).
They ll never understand. N, is for me.
I haven't spoken to any of my family in 5 years or so, but if my parents past behavior towards just about everyone else in their lives is any indication, I'm sure they're telling anyone who will listen that I am emotionally disturbed and/or on drugs. That's always been their go to tale about people they have treated badly. PD's just don't seem to have the capacity to self reflect, no matter how much time you give them.
Oh yes, I forgot mine also for some reason think I am on drugs too. They use that to explain it as well. :unsure:
Wow! What is it about the 'they're on drugs' story? That's what was told about me. Even tried to convince my adult child that I was a drug addict. Called police and everything.
There really must be a play book out there that only they have access to. Ugh.
Wow, every time I visit Out of the FOG I find how similar things are for many of us: the drug accusations!
From what I can glean, mine fabricated a story about a feud with another family member.
My GC brother is married to a woman who is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and has been verbally and physically abusive towards other family members. I never had any problems with this SIL other than an unhinged rambling email, which came right before I went NC, so I ignored it and wrote it off as the rantings of an unwell person. My Nmother, enFather, and sister all had bigger issues with her as they had continued contact at holiday gatherings, which I was no longer attending.
About five years after I went NC with my mother and stopped visiting for Christmas, my father called and tried to hoover me back in. He said it would be safe for me to come to the family Christmas that year because SIL wasn't coming. I wondered why he would mention that, then realized than Nmother was probably explaining my absence by telling everyone I was staying away because of some non-existent feud with the SIL. And since this woman really is diagnosed mentally ill, I'm pretty sure everyone believed the story.
No idea what mine say begins my back, but at the time enf's comment to uPDm was that she had done nothing wrong...aunt called and asked me why I was doing this to all of them :sly. ...and yes uPDm had everyone convinced that h was controlling me and not allowing contact. That was not the case (about contactwith foo) but ironically he is very controlling, likely pd, and I couldn't even begin to deal with that until I was away from foo. Wow I hopethey're not using the drugs excuse... I think the common thread is that none of these folks will take responsibility, and they need to save face with people in their lives....so they make stuff up and blame us.
The only thing I'm really sure of is that they aren't taking any responsibility for their part in the NC, sadly. It could be twenty different wild stories concocted to either make me look crazy, cruel, addicted or whatever other lie will divert attention from the truth.
It's interesting the drugs thing and the partner thing come up quite a bit. Mine started with the drugs when I had to go into hospital with a rare (un drug related :wacko: ) surgical problem which required urgent surgery...and instead of being caring they just accused me of taking drugs! and I was so upset my husband rang them to explain the problem but she wouldn't listen and just kept saying it was the drugs! I think that was when he realised quite how difficult it was with her. has also said about my brother being 'on drugs' too. And the other sort of excuses, too.
M's story was I had been kidnapped by people at my work place (version 1) and alternatively by a faith group I have absolutely nothing to do with (version 2). This is despite having sent an NC letter explaining my reasons, a letter M claimed not to have received, except I found it in her things after her death.
What F is saying? I have no idea, most likely that his kids are mean and abusive and therefore he never wants to see us again, the things he said to our face before going NC with us.
This is a good question. My Narc Mother will take no responsibility for any of her behavior. She actually thinks she has gone NC with me!!!! She will love the fact I dont go and see her as she can then reap sympathy from her FM. She will probably say I am mentally ill or something on those lines......her evil ways will never be discovered now and that's what I find so frustrating about being NC :stars:
I don't know for sure, but I think it's been thrown about that I have 'issues' that need treating. In a roundabout way, NF is right, that's why I no longer talk to him!
It's interesting reading this thread, amazing how the possibility that they might have mistreated us never gets considered.
We're VLC with both sides.
On my side, I've heard uNBPDm describing sibs and sib in-laws as controlling and having anger problems. Pure projection.
On DH's side, they're questioning all our friends about what our problem is with the family. Feels a bit middle-schoolish.
If we were truly NC, then I imagine the distortions could be much bigger, but because we still have a presence in the lives of those our family is in contact with, it'd be harder to get away with mental illness or drug use as reasons.
The controlling H seems to be a common theme. This has been suggested in my situation too. As well, for UBPDb, the same is suggested for the explanation of his estranged son, it's the new d-i-l.
The other thing I noticed, which may be different in my FOO is the bantering about of labels. This guys a sociopath, this one's a narc, this one's a user, as All4peace points out, all projection IMHO. Each UPD in my life labels one of their respective AC as Sociopaths, in part, I surmise to present as justifications for Failed relations. At times, in past, prior to NC I have been tempted to ask, and so, what's my label pray tell? On some level it might be interesting to hear?
A family member who I am not estranged from attended a wedding, where my Nmother was apparently telling people she doesn't understand why I have distanced myself from "everyone" and made comments about me being depressed.
In her case, she knows exactly why I am NC with her because I wrote her a letter telling her.
My PD IL's used to tell DH that I led him around by his willy and did all his thinking for him. They'd also snidely remark that I wore the pants in the relationship, so I imagine our NC was put down to me not only being a gold-digger, but me controlling him and brainwashing him against his FOO. :roll:
At least 10 years went by before unNPD MIL reached out to DH again - and he bit, needing to see if she'd changed.
Yes, she had - for the worse. She flipped out within 5 minutes of him being there, so he left, and I'm sure I'm still being painted as some kind of controlling bitch-on-wheels. :phoot: <--- that's me, the bitch-on-wheels. :boogie:
Years later, after I found this site an started to put up boundaries with unBPD Didi, she didn't like it very much, and kept trying to blame my DH, by saying she knew he never liked her, when nothing was further from the truth. :???:
I think she was trying to not only put into my head that he was controlling me, or contributing in some way to my odd behavior (normal boundaries for anybody who isn't PD ;D), but drive a wedge between us.
It didn't work. Like all of Didi's cunning and clever plans, her intent was as transparent as glass. :doh:
After Didi was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and refused to rescind her DNR, she was discharged from the hospital for the last time, but kept returning to the ER, night after night, telling them they had to DO something; she didn't want to die tonight! :dramaqueen: :bawl:
I know all this because I saw the records - Ray needed the exact date of her cancer dx for a supplemental insurance plan he had, that paid X a day after a cancer diagnosis.
They were QUITE interesting. :snort:
Basically, they'd give her a Xanax and have a nurse waste her time, sitting with Didi and patting her hand. She'd steadfastly refuse to speak to anybody when they offered counseling and get MORE agitated if anybody mentioned a psychiatrist. :roll:
But this is the interesting part - when they asked Didi if she had anybody she could talk to - maybe her children - she said NO.
Repeatedly.
So there IS another option beside saying you have a drug problem, a mental health issue, a controlling partner, or they have NO IDEA why you're estranged and they didn't do a thing wrong - they simply write you out of the narrative and pretend you don't even exist. :disappear:
I wish I could do the same thing. :bigwink: :evil2:
I have no idea how my mother explains my NC with her to other people, however I know how she explains it to herself. According to her it's parental alienation. My father turned me against her.
It's the perfect protection for her self-image: it allows her to dismiss anything I say to refute her theory because it's the brainwashing talking.
Yeah, yeah, mum. Whatever. :wacko:
I don't know what they say. That's the beauty of being NC with the entire family system.
I just got a three page flying monkey letter that leads me to believe she is saying that I am stuck in the past, and she has said sorry (classic N apology) so there is nothing else she can do. Nevermind I have said more then once to her and the flying monkeys that while the past hurts, my main issue is that the emotional abuse never stopped. She has also claimed that my father is a N and must have brainwashed me. Projection at it's finest. :stars:
For my ILs the reason for NC with their son, my DH - is me. I brainwashed him and they say he is so very weak, he cannot ,,put me in line". GC-BIL is the FM who told DH to wake up (and get rid of me). That means DH is not only weak but also confused, I assume.
The reason for NC with me does not count as I am the uterus who birthed their grandchild and has done its duty.
Reason for NC with the grandchild - is the mean me again. NPDMIL would be a better mother anyway but that uterus also did breastfeeding to estrange the baby from its true mother, NPDMIL, uh. There has not been built a relationship to estrange the baby from - which is, again, my fault.
The ILs announced NC themselves but they forgot, that's why DH receives messages about NPDMIL being there for him whenever he needs her (and leaves me) every once in a while. She sends those texts late at night, the texts are very awkward, they are spot on PD. Last time she expressed congratulations to herself on the occasion of DH's birthday.
EnFIL's theory on us being NC is everyone is participating in a pick-up sticks game and the first one who twitches is the looser. Which reduces human interactions, relationships and communication to the categories of winning and losing. Maybe that makes FIL a bit PD himself, or it is fleas.
However, the things we said do not count.
Gosh Candy, if only you could use your powers for good instead of evil. :roll:
Tell ya what, I'm carrying around an extra 50 pounds or so. Could you use your magic to estrange me from them??!!
:elephant:
As our spiritual beliefs differ NPDMIL felt encouraged to ask me if I would attend my baby's baptism.
'Do you even step a foot into a church?'
'No, I hand over my precious child and wait outside for the folks DH and I invited because otherwise the holy water would evaporate.' :evil2:
Yael924, you see, I am this evil, it seems I am already messing with the sacraments. A little estrangement is a mere child's play for me :witch:
Yael, you just made me laugh, thank you!
My uPDm (narc) told people that she 'just tried to love me' and I am a really angry person who misunderstood her 'love' wouldn't listen to her, and unjustly and unfairly cut her off from her grandchildren to punish her! She got her flying monkey brother to invite me to come feel the family 'love' at his house, and if I didn't come, then obviously my monster wife and I don't know how to accept 'love' in our life.
Their versions of love:
- Falsely accuse us of abusing our children physically and sexually,
- Mean tease our kids, then freaking out and abusing them more when they cried,
- Offer to take care of our kids for a couple hours, then find an excuse to not do it every time, then accuse us of trying to 'use them for child support' (didn't take care of grandkids once),
- Abusing me, then freaking out and abusing me more when I stood up for myself,
- Collectively trying to outbid us on a real-estate deal,
-etc.
But no, it's all 'love!' SO MESSED UP!!
OH, also, she blamed it all on a relative who passed away - "if so and so hadn;t died he wouldn't have cut me off, he just can't handle the grief" etc etc.
I don't know what they tell themselves, or anyone else at this point, but in one of the last messages my father sent directly to me, he told me that my mother's "theory about me" was that I was jealous because my brother was her "favorite" (I had no idea; I never realized she had an actual "favorite"). He then asked me to email back with a simple "yes" so they could confirm it. Most of their emails, letters and phone calls were so angry, it was kind-of a nice break at the time. I didn't reply.
Sophie48, I'm literally lol'ing. What?! I hope you made it very simple for them by simply responding "yes" to their theory (tongue firmly in cheek).
nwbc, that's horrible. Wow, some really ugly projections and lies there. I'm so sorry.
I'm about to face some version of this myself, so I appreciate that you all seem to have developed some detachment from the smears against you. I guess it's logical that if someone had the skills to prevent terrible damage to a relationship, or the skills to repair it, they wouldn't be people who make up lies to explain the loss of the relationship.
Mine will blame it on any and everyone available, while accepting no responsibility whatsoever for her own behavior. Whatever she says or does is "because of ... If you did/didn't do or say xyz ..."
Thing is, I've heard mother's version of too many other situations over the years, and it rarely matched with the other side. I have no doubt she's doing the same with me, and have no reason to believe otherwise.
Right now I'm fairly sure she's telling some version of how she's a senior citizen who's alone and in pain and no one cares. That explains her treatment of people NOW. She (and sometimes they) forgets she's the same person she's always been, she just justifies it differently now. And people tend to excuse it as such.
I think I'm in the "don't exist" category, except my sweet cousin keeps reminding her. Cousin told me, "She won't tell me anything either! >:(" On the one hand, I've asked cousin to leave it alone, and I don't want to damage cousin's relationship with NM. On the other hand, it's kinda funny that cousin won't be gaslighted, and won't break contact with me either.
Mine invented a diagnosis of postpartum depression and tried to accuse me of expecting them to fix all the non-existent problems in my marriage and parenting. My MIL tries to blame it all on me projecting my parents' issues onto her. My FIL initiated NC with me before any of my own recovery began, simply because he never understood me. :roll:
You nailed it OrangeBlossom77! My parents also say it is my anger that is driving the separation, and then "we don't understand why"...it's almost comical if it were not so sad...
And actually isn't that typical...to say that your child is angry, basically places 100% of the blame for the situation, and responsibility for the relationship, solely on your child....
While never considering why they could be angry... :wacko:
uNBPDm uses the anger one a lot. As if being angry is wrong. As if she hasn't been behaving in ways that would anger any healthy person. It's a good offense, though, to throw out "so much anger!" as a reason for your child being estranged from you. Puts us on the defense.
Quote from: Orangeblossom77 on November 16, 2018, 09:57:23 AM
I just wondered if others had this, where the NC parents make up a story to explain your NC. With mine they seem to think
I'm 'angry' about a single incident, and also possibly that is it something to do with DH. That he is controlling, perhaps. What stories do yours make up if any? :unsure:
Yep. We've learned that we are just angry about a single letter we received, and -- sadly -- we have no forgiveness in our hearts.
Nobody else, I don't think, has ever heard that they flatly rejected any relationship with us, and that they condemned us with increasing fervor for 6 months before we finally acquiesced and concluded their correspondence with our home.
Quote from: Moxie890 on November 21, 2018, 03:51:01 PM
I just got a three page flying monkey letter that leads me to believe she is saying that I am stuck in the past, and she has said sorry (classic N apology) so there is nothing else she can do. Nevermind I have said more then once to her and the flying monkeys that while the past hurts, my main issue is that the emotional abuse never stopped. She has also claimed that my father is a N and must have brainwashed me. Projection at it's finest. :stars:
Wow. She really is firing on all cylinders.
Quote from: blues_cruise on November 20, 2018, 10:35:17 AM
It's interesting reading this thread, amazing how the possibility that they might have mistreated us never gets considered.
:yeahthat:
My HPD/BPD mom has been pulling out all the stops - "why are you mad at me?" "I don't know what I did wrong." "I gave you everything and you just used me up and threw me away"... I can only imagine her version of the truth.
Playing the victim to a new audience allows her to gain sympathy while making me look like a terrible person. It's brilliant, really, when you think about it.
Well I'm pretty sure I know what mine would say now....
en (or N?)F: I just don't understand.
uNBPDm: Some people just don't want to heal.
I may be popping back on here from time to time for comic relief so that I don't get so angry at the refusal to listen and try to understand.
No idea on specifics, except that _I_ am the one who just cant put the past in the past. Including being physically bullied and terribly verbally abused by my dads stepdaughter when I was staying at my dads (his wifes) house. I was supposed to accept that abuse. Liiiike, what part about I left an abusive husband did you not hear?
Nothing is their fault.
I've just seen my brother over Christmas, he is understanding of the NC although we don't really discuss it. He also find it difficult but isn't NC.
he mentioned mum has been asking 'why' 'does she just not want to talk to me' :doh: (after over two years NC) and he said well, maybe you should apologise to her and apparently she got really angry. Then, his wife asked, what shall we tell her if she asks us? Which made me think they had been asked to 'find out' perhaps. I don't think sis in law gets it either, really. so that was difficult.
Quote from: all4peace on December 10, 2018, 06:11:51 AM
uNBPDm uses the anger one a lot. As if being angry is wrong. As if she hasn't been behaving in ways that would anger any healthy person. It's a good offense, though, to throw out "so much anger!" as a reason for your child being estranged from you. Puts us on the defense.
So true! I received a loooooooooong letter from my PD mom last summer that included a page about how she was so concerned about my anger. It was twisted and weird -- like she was trying to portray herself as the concerned mother of a troubled daughter, as if she provided no reason to be angry. Of course I'm angry! It's so normal of me to be so. I'm also jealous of people who have a parent to rely on, and I'm often sad about it, too. It's not a character flaw, it's being a human being!
In the same letter, she rewrote history. A true story is she tried to get me to go along with a fake cancer diagnosis to manipulate my sister. I not only refused, but I told my sister, who was mad at mom for it. Now mom's story is that I made it all up to make my sister mad at her. :stars: I was so creeped out by that revision of the truth -- I mean, would it be worse if she is actually trying to force the blame on me, or if she truly believes it? Either option is so sick.
My mother has also over time tried to portray me -- to myself and others -- as a bad mother. She makes up conditions about my son's life that sound horrible. That really hurts, even though I know it's not true. For quite a while before and after NC, she was building a "case" to report to CPS, which she would use to try to manipulate me. The odd thing is that we're known to CPS in the place we used to live in because we once were a foster family, so of course we had extensive checks/home studies. Where I live now, we're known to CPS because some of my friends work there and have spent a lot of time with my family --- and so have their kids.
She also tries to take any kernel of information about my husband and my sister's husband to make them out to be bad guys. Like trying to make my BIL a jihadist since he has Middle Eastern heritage, even though he's a completely left-leaning American atheist. Such a twisted portrayal of my BIL.
As I have previously posted on here I went NC due to a BBB episode during my wedding.
I seem to be in the minority on here because I am a male that was emotionally abused by his mother, but I am glad I found this forum because it has allowed me to understand the situation, detach myself from it, and start to take steps to re-calibrate my emotional state (I have been making progress on that front which I feel is good).
Since the wedding (May 2017) I have gotten about 70 e-mails from my mother, and I have exported them all to look at them in sequence. It really is quite amazing how obvious the emotional abuse is once you see them all in front of you.
I have had (in sequence)
Your wife is the problem
Love bombing (gifts)
Hoovering attempts (using family events)
More love bombing
Attacks on my career and position
Passive aggressive attacks
More hoovering attempts
Flying Monkeys (emotional blackmail)
More attacks on wife
More attacks on Career
Even on the 1st of January of this year. Instead of showing empathy, and wishing me a happy year, my mother resorted to a passive aggressive attack on my career (for the record, I work in financial services and make a good deal of money, but that is not "enough" for her). I can also only see her emails in my Spam folder as gmail sends them there when you block somebody.
My uBPDmom says I was brainwashed. That is her go to excuse, according to her I have been brainwashed by my teachers, my friends, my family, my therapist, my father... Apparently, I can be brainwashed by everyone, anywhere. Any thoughts, ideas and feelings that are not in line with hers, I was brainwashed. If we disagree, it's because I was brainwashed.
Late to the party but was searching the term "love bombing" and this came up!
Was very interesting to read.
My NPDm says a combination of the following:
1) I am "mental" and "need sectioning;
2) My husband is controlling and manipulating me;
3) I am stuck in the past;
4) I need to "move on"; and the latest one...
5) We just have different views, but that is just life.
Late also,
I don't know what they say but I do know that they always used to say 'blacksheep7' is angry. I was known to always be angry. I was outspoken and opinionated and did not accept BS. That was never permitted if it was negative to NF and NM.
My narc M used to often say that I was always bringing up the past.
Quote from: blacksheep7 on March 19, 2019, 10:59:11 AM
Late also,
I don't know what they say but I do know that they always used to say 'blacksheep7' is angry. I was known to always be angry. I was outspoken and opinionated and did not accept BS. That was never permitted if it was negative to NF and NM.
My narc M used to often say that I was always bringing up the past.
Eugh!!! You know I only lost my temper twice with my NPDm in my life and now my entire FOO say I am a loose cannon and that they feel on eggshells around me because of my anger.... pffftttt!
The worst thing is they can try and influence others with their thoughts and false interpretations. I had other family question me about husband being controlling and asking about my friends and job. I'm not working at the moment but that is not due to him. I think she would prefer it if that was the case as would be an explanation for her. She even shouted at him once 'she's my daughter' as if that should be her place not his... :blink:
LOL Twinkletoes! My uNMIL has said the same thing about walking on eggshells around me. I've never so much as raised my voice to her. I think they are afraid of us, though. Not because of our anger (hah!) but perhaps because we have some boundaries, some power. They have to work to manipulate us. And it's not guaranteed to work. We require serious strategy. Hence, eggshells.
I imagine, based on the past experience, I am a mentally unstable, angry, oversensitive adult child with a manipulating loser husband who is after their money. It may involve a degree of seriously paranoid thinking I am missing due to nc.
Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on March 20, 2019, 06:13:46 AM
LOL Twinkletoes! My uNMIL has said the same thing about walking on eggshells around me. I've never so much as raised my voice to her. I think they are afraid of us, though. Not because of our anger (hah!) but perhaps because we have some boundaries, some power. They have to work to manipulate us. And it's not guaranteed to work. We require serious strategy. Hence, eggshells.
HA!!! YESSSS Cordelia!
This made me laugh out loud when I read it. I agree! Absolutely. Funny you should say this, because I know this sounds really big-headed and arrogant, but I was only thinking the other day that I FEEL stronger than her somehow. Like I feel that she knows it too - and I can't quite put that into words. It's like she doesn't know me and so she has no idea what she can and can't do and say and she's not sure how I'll react. So I suppose she probably does feel like she's walking on egg-shells but that's her own fault after years of abusing me. Sounds similar with your situation. How the worm(s) have turned!
Not arrogant at all! I've read enough about your mother to assure you that "stronger than her" is setting the bar very low indeed. Good on you for being able to feel it! :cheer:
Quote: still don't know how to do it the proper way. lol
Eugh!!! You know I only lost my temper twice with my NPDm in my life and now my entire FOO say I am a loose cannon and that they feel on eggshells around me because of my anger.... pffftttt!
I understand you Twinkletoes88. I was not any angry person. I am known to have a nice personality, easy to get along. It was just my discontent of the dysfunction that I was expressing. I did lose it once or twice with NM, just before nc.
Cordelia & Twinkletoes88 :cheer:
I'm pretty sure my NM doesn't even try to contact me because she is afraid of me now.
LOL!
Eggshells and strategy, because it doesn't occur to them to treat us like a person instead of a pet.
My one cat gets squirrely, and I ask her What will make you happy right now? Yeah, I treat my cat better than my own mother treated me.
Late to the party...
Instead of me being the victim of assault, I am the perpetrator. But that is only among the parents and siblings.
To everyone else, I'd bet the farm they pretend we are still in touch. Mostly because anybody who knows me and my folks would immediately know who was the whupper and who was the whupped.
But bottom line -- this cover story means that she will never get help and it keeps my FOO sufficiently enraged, making it unsafe for me to get near them. So she keeps her secrets, and I am exiled.
Not a bad trade; I'll take it. 8-)
I'm fairly certain my family thinks I'm VLC because my husband is an abusive jerk who controls me.
I'm not sure what they tell other people though. I went to a funeral last year for a cousin and no one seemed to notice anything off. My sister refused to talk to me though, that was a nice blessing ;D
I can't be sure about the entire story she tells, but as you OP, I know she for sure is emphasizing that I cannot 'get over' one very serious incident from my childhood she is very guilty of. She says I am unforgiving, angry, want 'revenge' on her, am immature etc
I've explained in writing and verbally to her that it is much more than that incident and that her overall behavior and treatment of her kids is negative and that this is not in the distant past but very much in the present.
In one ear out the other...she is a 'different person' (she believes) than the mother she was and if I can't see that and give her another chance it's because I'm angry and vengeful....oooookay lady, whatever helps you sleep at night I guess!