I cut my mother out last week, I emailed her only and it was addressed to her alone, I told her I want no further contact.
She has pretended to not know why, demanded to know, then when I didn't answer has blamed me, calling me abusive (I know, classic projection).
So she has basically implied, in what seems to be her final email to me, that I will lose my aunt, uncle and grandfather too now just for cutting contact with her.
They do not know she sexually abused me when I was a kid and emotionally abused me all my life. I do not know if I can tell them without her suing me for something like slander?
I also think she has got them wrapped around her finger already. I did not want to cut contact with them or lose them.. I do not know if I should write them telling them that? I do want to though.
Thoughts?
Hi yorkie. Based on what you posted before about the abuse, it sounds to me like a great idea to cut her out of your life. I don't know all the ins and outs of how PDs who treat their children the way your mother treated you can be expected to respond, but it sounds par for the course that she would escalate and do nasty stuff. In my country (U.S.) a person can only win in court on the basis of slander if there is a falsehood. I'd be pretty surprised if she would want to have a public airing and fact-finding around your accusations, given how gut-wrenching they are to people who aren't really sick inside. If you are really concerned about it, find a lawyer, but otherwise, consider that you may actually have the upper hand in that regard.
Family members who are uninterested in allegations of child abuse don't deserve the title. I guess the question I would be asking myself is: what is most likely to help me heal from the abuse? Maybe not a protracted fight with family members, in my case. Instead, I would want to focus on getting myself to where I felt really safe and secure in my own body and soul. If that means granting yourself a time out from everyone who might be implicated in the abuse or your mother's rampage, then you deserve that space and distance.
On the other hand, if speaking your truth to family members is necessary for your healing, then I would want to line up a really good support system (friends, therapist, community resources, whatever) and anchor myself in that before going to battle. Then, yes, I would want to speak my truth unapologetically. But have your own back, first. It sounds like things could get ugly and you deserve a safe harbor from the storm.
Congratulations on making huge progress in your own healing journey. You have my respect. You are journeying away from a nightmare. Your courage is evident and you will get where you need to go with your own heart as your guide.
Big hugs to you.
I lost my entire foo and extended foo when I went nc with uPDm. :'(
Sad but necessary.
It was part of how my T at the time arrived at her theory that m had bpd...
Updm controlled the entire family.
I couldn't have a phone conversation with my grandmother without m manipulating her way onto the phone.
Fm aunt called me wanting to know why 'I' was 'doing this' to 'them'...
Ugh.
I even have a long time dear friend whom I have not heard from in over a year and I'm wondering if updm got to her as well....I'm hoping that's just paranoia on my end.
With a PD person running a family you will likely end up with more losses than you want.
I have chosen to go Low Contact with my Nmom so that i can still maintain contact with my enDad and brother. This means that i do not talk with her without others around and all my conversations with her are Medium Chill. I will also get off the phone if she finds her way to it, i try as much as possible to only contact my bro and dad directly. And i also accept that they will regularly be flying monkeys for her, and when they are i change the subject.
If i could cut her out completely, i would.
Spun....gm had her own landline in he bedroom...I called that...put ds on to speak with her (he was about 5), uPDm got on the phone with him and addled him to put me on 😱
She manipulated her elderly mom and her 5 yo grandson all in about 2 minutes.
Thank you everyone for your help, well I don't know why I done it but..
I phoned my aunt and I was only meaning to tell her that I didn't want to lose contact with her, then I just started crying, couldn't stop, she said I don't have to lose contact with her.. and then.. I told her. I told her my mum sexually abused me when I was a child :( she listened, she was shocked, she asked me if I was ok several times. She said I need to focus only on me and my own healing. She said I can see her and my uncle anytime, she said my grandfather is always delighted to see me and hear from me :'(
She said she needed to think because she couldn't get her head around what I told her. I spoke for about ten minutes and she listened. I told her how I couldn't go and visit my gran when she was dying because the memories about my mother meant I felt I couldn't be anywhere near my mother if she was with my gran in the hospital when she was dying. She kept asking if I was ok, and I just kept crying, couldn't stop. I told her I don't even care anymore what they might do to me because it was killing me anyway to keep the secret :'(
I'm not sure why I done it, but it's done and now she will probably tell my mother.
I am a bit concerned about my safety as my mother will probably want me dead now.
Oh, yorkie, oh sweetie. I hardly have words for you. Relief, that your aunt listened to you and believed you. What a mercy that is. I know others who have walked farther down a path like yours will have more to offer, but here's my biggest thing: YOU DID IT. You honored your truth and yourself. Those tears, I hope, are healing ones. I hope your breathing is easier and step is lighter. If not now, soon.
Do all that you can to surround yourself with love and compassion as your healing continues. You deserve a sense of safety and it will come. As someone else on this board has as their tagline: *She can't eat you.* She's not more powerful than you. She's a small, twisted, broken human who resorts to preying on the vulnerable because she is so weak. And you are tapping into your strength like never before. This is huge for you and anything is possible for you now. Freedom is yours and things will get better. Stay the course your heart tells you and you will get where you need to go.
A million virtual hugs to you, yorkie. And respect.
thank you so so much raven lady, I really appreciate your support
Today I got an email from my aunt and she is basically victim blaming me and has given me an ultimatum to tell my mother what I said about her abusing me or else my aunt says she is going to tell her what I said?! I told her it doesn't matter if she tells my mother because I am focusing on my own well being now. She even tried to say that my memories are incorrect. So I guess it will be that I have to cut her out too. I had thought my mother has her under her control anyway so it is no surprise to me, just a bit disappointing. I'm going to get some legal advice tomorrow. I was too drained today to cope with anything.
It's not a surprise that your aunt will not have the skills to deal with this situation. She will be highly conflicted. That's her stuff, not yours, and you are wise to respond the way you did. You know your truth. Nobody else owns it. Nobody else has a right to it. Your aunt wasn't there when your mother abused you. She is ignorant to the reality you have experienced.
I'm glad you are seeking legal advice. Muster all the support you can, and ask for more than you think you deserve. Many of us have spent our lives trying to make do with less than we need. Part of our healing is to honor ourselves beyond where our parents' respect for us stopped. It can be very hard, but the more we manage it, the more whole we become.
Hang in there, pace yourself, honor yourself, trust yourself. You are going to be okay. Keep spreading your wings. You will fly.
Keep posting so we know you are okay, okay?
HUGS!
Thanks Raven Lady, I send you hugs too :)
I am definitely going to keep posting as I was actually going to suggest doing that. Just a little unsure really of what my mother might potentially try to do. I don't trust her new husband either. I don't think I will manage to sleep very well at night but that is already an issue for me anyway. I am looking for a new home too.
I wont let them intimidate me, it is my aunts own problem if she cannot handle the truth. The more I continue on the healing path, I do see myself improving :) I even treated myself to a nice book today, it is for children but has lovely illustrations of animals. Books are kind of a big deal for me because my mother gave away some of my favourite books when I was about 8. She didn't ask me if she could do it, just done it. I was very sad as they had lovely illustrations in them. Luckily, my ex partner found all those old books on ebay and bought me the whole series as a gift! That was so reparative :)
I know you're right in everything you have said, I will fly, and I love that because I also love to watch birds and there is a gull who visits me every summer, the roof across from me is his summer home! 8-)
I just emailed a further response to my aunt, i called her out on her gaslighting, (she told me I am confused about other events in my life!) told her if she or anyone else harrasses me then police will be getting involved and i told her that she has been disrespectful to me and i dont want any further contact with her at this time.
You go, girl! So excited for you. :D
Hi Yorkie - I am sorry to read what you are going through. It is absolutely emotionally draining to go through something like this. And there is no doubt that anyone who hasn't been through similar would understand. One thing I have learned is that victims of abuse NEVER forget. Our stories do not change because they are both the TRUTH and OUR REALITY. Anyone that doesn't believe you or threatens you, give them the boot. I too, have lost aunts and uncles that were dear to me because of going NC with NF. There are a couple of extended family members that want nothing to do with NF after hearing my truth and are afraid to get involved. They have silently cut ties with NF.
Moving on with your life and only surrounding yourself with those that make you happy is the way to go.
You can't slander someone for speaking the truth. Your relatives/aunt are now "aware of issues", and may have been afraid, or too cautious to ask, or to question situation. It's okay to disclose this abuse. You are not responsible for your mother's actions, past or present, nor her "anger" at your disclosure of prior abuse. You are entitled to maintain your personal safety, including refusing to discuss this disclosure with your mother, or to allow her to see/speak to you. If you are truly afraid your mother may attempt to harm you, I'd take all precautions, not open door to her, avoid contact, and tell friends that your mother is unstable and perhaps violent.
Thanks Raven Lady. It feels very surreal, I never realised how much stronger I am now, since I told her police would be contacted if she keeps harassing me, I did not feel afraid anymore, in fact, today I feel empowered, and there are no more messages at all! ;D
Thanks Pepin, well, she is implying she doesn't believe me by saying I am confused about other events in my life but I know she is gaslighting me. Yes, it would appear I have given her the boot! :) I was starting to think that disclosing the abuse was a terrible decision but actually it helps weed out untrustworthy people, and that is very very good!
Thanks Daughter, I wasn't sure if I was somehow committing slander by telling. I done it over the phone though and so theres no proof of what I said, and in my email, I only used the word 'abuse', I did not specify what sort or go into detail, I said my mother needs to take responsibility for the damage caused by her abuse of me. It's a good idea to tell people she is unstable, thanks, it's believable anyway. My fathers side of the family had no more to do with her when she left him 20 years ago, some of them already hated her anyway :) I spoke to my therapist too and she said the same as you, about not having to speak to her (or anyone) if I don't want to. She reminded me that I'm an adult (sometimes I do forget I have rights because my mother and her sister still try to treat me as though I am some stupid crazy child).
Definitely feeling a lot better today, and have been focusing on other things and I RSVP'd for a few things coming up with a meetup group at the weekend and later on in the month. I'm not going to let abusive people drag me down :)
Yay, yorkie!! So happy for you!
Quote from: yorkie on January 07, 2019, 02:45:43 PM
Today I got an email from my aunt and she is basically victim blaming me and has given me an ultimatum to tell my mother what I said about her abusing me or else my aunt says she is going to tell her what I said?!
This is classic. Why would you tell your mother what you said about her when your mother was there and already knows?!
I think your aunt is typical in that she doesn't know how to handle this revelation AND it would make her question why she didn't help you back then if this was going on with her own sister.
Keep moving forward. Don't let them make you feel shame of guilt.
I got another email yesterday where my aunt once again said I am confused about events from my life, lol! She went on and on about me having to take responsibility for my actions and just basically typed a load of nonsense to me. I told her I wont be contacting her anymore and that she is toxic too. I blocked her and I wont be checking my spam for a very long time, even then I will not be replying to her again.
Today I went to a centre that helps with sexual abuse and I had a very good talk with a counsellor and even she said that's ridiculous and she thinks my aunt would have already told my mother anyway, never mind the ''ultimatum'' - I agree, I think she's right. It doesn't matter anyway because it's the truth and there is literally nothing she can do, I have not committed any slander or any crime in disclosing the abuse.
Yes, it will be hard to hear that her sister abused her own child, my aunt herself never had children, and I am her only niece, I have no siblings. But anyone in their right mind would put the pieces together and realise it's likely to be true. Now she will have to either accept it or deny it. Either way, I won't be saying anymore to her.
I am feeling better today, I still have to get some more legal advice too about an injunction or something similar for my mother as I don't want her stalking me again.
You sound great, yorkie, and what you are doing makes a ton of sense. So happy for you, getting away from these people, even though it's hard. Good call going to the centre that helps with emotional abuse. You are making great progress!
This is tough. You are getting through this.
I walked away from my FOO and extended family when I went No Contact 5 years ago. At first, losing my aunts/uncles/cousins/godparents was painful, BUT as some of them became flying monkeys, I realized cutting the contact was for my benefit. Its healthy. Its what gives us A CLEAN BREAK and a REAL ability to create our own life going forward.
These people are NOT good for you, they DON'T love you, and they DON'T care about seeing you sane and happy. DROP THE ROPE. No JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).
Look ahead, not behind.
It feels good RavenLady, I feel stronger today! It's really the best thing i'm doing now for myself. My aunt even tried to say I would come running back to her if I need help in the future, lol, she's only ever helped me once, and if it was so inconvenient for her then she should have just told me so. She wasn't the only person I could have gone to for help at that time. She talks as though she is some sort of authority figure (she's not, she's just an aromatherapist/reiki ''master'') I think there's narcissism in her too.
Quote from: Kiki81 on January 09, 2019, 02:53:17 PM
This is tough. You are getting through this.
I walked away from my FOO and extended family when I went No Contact 5 years ago. At first, losing my aunts/uncles/cousins/godparents was painful, BUT as some of them became flying monkeys, I realized cutting the contact was for my benefit. Its healthy. Its what gives us A CLEAN BREAK and a REAL ability to create our own life going forward.
These people are NOT good for you, they DON'T love you, and they DON'T care about seeing you sane and happy. DROP THE ROPE. No JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).
Look ahead, not behind.
Thank you for your words of support, they make so much sense, it is absolutely the best thing for out own health to cut these people out. I'm definitely moving forward, oh yes, and I realize they don't care about me or love me. People who care do not speak the way I am being spoken to by them.
So I'm moving on and working on becoming even more independent and stronger so that I will never ever have to look back :yes:
I managed to sleep better tonight, holding up ok and got an appointment for more advice on Monday. Hopeful I can get the help I need.
You are a rock star. :applause:
Quote from: RavenLady on January 10, 2019, 09:28:29 PM
You are a rock star. :applause:
Thanks 8-) ;D :band: :zzz:
Quote from: Kiki81 on January 09, 2019, 02:53:17 PM
This is tough. You are getting through this.
I walked away from my FOO and extended family when I went No Contact 5 years ago. At first, losing my aunts/uncles/cousins/godparents was painful, BUT as some of them became flying monkeys, I realized cutting the contact was for my benefit. Its healthy. Its what gives us A CLEAN BREAK and a REAL ability to create our own life going forward.
These people are NOT good for you, they DON'T love you, and they DON'T care about seeing you sane and happy. DROP THE ROPE. No JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).
Look ahead, not behind.
I'm 2 years NC from my bio DNA providers and can second what the above says. It is painful to walk away. Their WILL be collateral damage and it WILL be painful.
The pain is worth it. The temporary loss is worth it. When you become yourself the right people will come into your life.
I believe you, it has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. But, I know it is for the best in the long run. :thumbup:
Yes, newlife, at the almost-5-years NC mark, it was a *temporary* pain/loss :) 8-)
And the best part of that temporary pain is that no longer spending my time and money and emotions with the extended family made room for real relationships. I'm busier now than I was with my FOO/extended family.
I don't leave encounters with my FOC and friends all messed up for weeks. I LOVE THAT!!!! WHO KNEW???? :applause: :yeahthat:
Dear Yorker
Hang in there you are okay. It's them (mum and aunt) who are not. You have been really brave and you deserve the happiness that is out there for you without the cloud of your FOO over your head. Sending you a really big hug 🤗 💕
Dotti
:) Thank you Dotti and Kiki :)
I have not heard from them again, I hope this is the last I hear of them :)
I found some helpful videos on youtube - the channel is called narcissism survivor
I feel calmer overall, my home feels safer again, it is a nice feeling!
That's good Yorkie, I will check out the YouTube channel too xxx
Quote from: Dotti21 on January 15, 2019, 05:59:53 AM
That's good Yorkie, I will check out the YouTube channel too xxx
He has about 200+ videos and I think they are all on narcissists :thumbup: xxx
Yay for feeling more at peace! Keep on rocking it. 8-)
Quote from: RavenLady on January 16, 2019, 01:10:40 AM
Yay for feeling more at peace! Keep on rocking it. 8-)
Each day is better and better! Yesterday I thought I would have a short nap, it was about 3pm, lol, I ended up sleeping almost 12 hours! I never manage that! ;D
Checking in to say I'm doing ok and my mother and aunt have left me alone :) 5 weeks no contact.
In the past I went no contact with my mother for 8 years so I know I can do this for the rest of my life, I only wish I had never gotten back in touch with her.
The thing is, I was obviously not thinking clearly and was vulnerable at the time I did get back in touch, but also:
I wanted to look her right in the eye, I wanted to KNOW. I wanted what I view as proof that she did abuse me. And when I did look into her eyes that first time after 8 years, I knew. I knew my memories were right and I knew I was not crazy. I knew I had to stop at that point but it somehow lingered another 21 months. At some points, I wanted to harm her physically, but I could not. I will not go to jail for her or for anyone.
Unfortunately, she played a part in the destruction of my last relationship with my ex. I did not think more about this until recently, but it was after the first time she tried to separate my ex and I that things became difficult and we started arguing a lot. This was in spite of me at the time pointing out to my ex it was my mothers fault we were arguing. She did agree but that did not stop her insecurities I guess.
I worry I have some of my mother's bad qualities. For instance, I was not as caring as I could have been, should have been, to my ex. I am now feeling extremely guilty about that and for any time I spoke to my ex cruelly. She even used to tell me I was directing my anger at her but it should have been at my family. And she was RIGHT. And now she refuse to talk to me. I am very sad about this.
I also remembered that when I got back in touch with my mother, she wrote me a very guilt tripping letter and basically forced/coerced me to write back to her, and apologise for being a 'bad' daughter, she even enclosed a self addressed, stamped envelope to send my 'apology' back to her in. There are so many things, it infuriates me.
And I wonder if I turned out with bad qualities just like her, because one time my ex said I was like my mother (although she retracted it afterwards) - but maybe she was right???
I just wish I could have been a better partner and now I cannot change anything about it.
All I can think is I am glad both my ex and I are still alive and in one piece. If I let myself dwell on the bad, I just cry uncontrollably.
yorkie, I'm so glad you are feeling confident about your NC decision and have got that perpetrator out of your life and are gradually getting her out of your head.
It's probably not a realistic expectation for any of us to think we could be raised by PDs without it in any way impacting our relationships. I am really sorry that "fleas" may have contributed to your loss of your ex. It sounds very painful. I have had similar experiences and made the mistake of letting them add to my experience of toxic shame, which further damaged me. I wish I had known then about how we internalize our perpetrators' messages and end up doing their work for them in their absence. My current project is self-compassion and using my anger at my parents' abuse to shout back at my inner critic/perpetrator when it tries to continue the abuse. Pete Walker's book "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" and Beverly Engel's "It Wasn't Your Fault" are among the tools helping me in this regard.
You know how it is when we learn we've hurt someone: an apology and making amends where possible can help heal both of us. I don't know your situation with your ex but if this is something that is really eating you up it might be worth offering to her what you've learned and taking that route. But since she's not talking with you it might be a tricky or impossible thing to approach while respecting her boundaries.
It's also true that being in a season of growth like you are means that old relationships might not be the right ones for you now. Again, I don't know your situation, but when I look back on my own string of relationships before I met DH, I can see that we weren't right for each other anyway. It took a long time and a lot of healing for me to make peace with the fact we were all learning from each other and ultimately became stepping stones on each others' separate paths toward greater intimacy.
Regarding cruelty, your inner critic/perpetrator can turn outward when you haven't finished the work of self-compassion, I'm told. Many wise healers, therapists and peers have mapped out a path away from that pattern that will work out better for you and your loved ones too. It sounds like maybe you owe it to yourself and them to do that work and continue the path of healing you have SO bravely been walking of late.
I share your anger at your mother and what she did to you. It was inexcusable. And that her actions continue to cause you pain make me only angrier. Please take good care of yourself as you heal and find your way forward and out from under her thumb, both physically and mentally.
HUGS!!!
Thank you RavenLady
I can't quite believe this but it would appear I spoke too soon. I received a letter from my mother in the mail a few hours after typing my last post.
I cannot believe it. She has called me a liar, venomous, nasty. She says I'm trying to slate her character and damage her reputation and she has basically just blamed me and told me I am lying about her abusing me. She has said she can put her hand on her heart and swear on her 95 year old father life that she never abused me. The fact is, she doesn't care about her father, she and my aunt cannot wait for him to die so they can get their paws on the inheritance. I am done with them. I won't even speak to my grandfather anymore, she has literally ruined everything. I just want her to leave me alone.
I am taking the letter to my solicitor this week and hope something can be done about it, she has swore at me twice in the letter too. I wonder if I am allowed to type out exactly what she has said to me on here? I want people to see the sort of thing these abusive people say to us, it is horrendous. This is my own biological mother, she sexually abused me in childhood and has emotionally abused me whenever I have been in contact with her.
I am in shock.
Oooo, yorkie, she's showing her true colors. She's doing the full-blown N rage and I am so glad you aren't in her presence to experience even more of it.
A loving M who was truly wrongly accused might express hurt and anger, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't accompany it with more (verbal) abuse and she would express far more concern for your well-being.
My understanding is she will get off on any contact you have with her from this point forward, because getting under your skin will supply her. (If you haven't read about narcissistic supply now might be a good time, and there are some fascinating YouTube videos out there, too.) There are those here at Out of the FOG who will probably say that to go full NC you would not open letters from her, and this ongoing abuse would be the reason why. I'm not the expert and I probably would have done what you did and opened the letter out of curiosity/misplaced hope, but it seems like moving forward that might not be the best thing for you.
You know the truth about you. Now might be a good time to revisit the Toolbox and work on putting those practices in place: your stuff v. her stuff, boundaries, etc. You have expressed such clarity and resolve in this thread and I encourage you to remember the conclusions you have already reached about how to care for yourself given your M's history and your current needs.
I haven't spoken with my M since she called me "vile." It was a clarifying moment for me and gave me the strength to google the keywords that brought me here to Out of the FOG.
This is all incredibly painful and I am so sorry you are going through it. Please take extra measures for self care and self love in the coming days. You deserve it.
Quote from: RavenLady on February 05, 2019, 11:30:53 AM
Oooo, yorkie, she's showing her true colors. She's doing the full-blown N rage and I am so glad you aren't in her presence to experience even more of it.
A loving M who was truly wrongly accused might express hurt and anger, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't accompany it with more (verbal) abuse and she would express far more concern for your well-being.
My understanding is she will get off on any contact you have with her from this point forward, because getting under your skin will supply her. (If you haven't read about narcissistic supply now might be a good time, and there are some fascinating YouTube videos out there, too.) There are those here at Out of the FOG who will probably say that to go full NC you would not open letters from her, and this ongoing abuse would be the reason why. I'm not the expert and I probably would have done what you did and opened the letter out of curiosity/misplaced hope, but it seems like moving forward that might not be the best thing for you.
You know the truth about you. Now might be a good time to revisit the Toolbox and work on putting those practices in place: your stuff v. her stuff, boundaries, etc. You have expressed such clarity and resolve in this thread and I encourage you to remember the conclusions you have already reached about how to care for yourself given your M's history and your current needs.
I haven't spoken with my M since she called me "vile." It was a clarifying moment for me and gave me the strength to google the keywords that brought me here to Out of the FOG.
This is all incredibly painful and I am so sorry you are going through it. Please take extra measures for self care and self love in the coming days. You deserve it.
Yes, RavenLady, the mask has come off :hulk:
She said I won't be getting away with it (telling my aunt about the abuse)
I cried so many times before finally going to sleep last night, and I dreamt about my ex protecting me from my mother
I am so drained today
I know my own memories are correct, she is just trying to hide it obviously. No one in their right mind would do as I have done just to create trouble. I will likely never see my grandfather ever again now. That is not what I wanted but it is what will have to be unfortunately. I am not going to tell him anything, I do not want to hurt him.
I am not going to respond to her
She did not put a return address on the envelope (this has always been the case, she never writes it on anything she sends)
I'm sorry your M called you Vile, that is horrible :hug:
You know, that makes sense, if this was a false accusation, yes the person would be angry, but the way she has written to me is not the way an innocent person would write, she expresses zero concern for my wellbeing and has gone complete 'D.A.R.V.O' on me. I have health problems and she has told me at the very end to go and get and job and help other people
There are no texts, emails or calls, just a letter
The problem with ignoring things like this from her is it means not having the ability to show people that she is harassing me, but I know for my own health i'd feel better not having to read things she sends like this. It has shocked me and upset me and I don't want to feel this way
I do not regret telling my aunt about the abuse though as it still feels like a weight lifted from me and feels like I got the poison out
I am going to do plenty of self care for sure
I have some support in real life
I do not know if she has gotten to my father too, although she left him 19 years ago, at times she has rang him in the past to ''see if I'm ok''. I haven't heard from him for about a week. He knows about the emotional abuse but not the sexual abuse and he believed me about the emotional abuse and one of his sisters knows too and believes me and a few other family members on his side.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
The sad thing is that those of us who need to confront the truth in order to heal will often be hindered in our recovery by family who simply want us to shut up and go away and stop rocking the boat.
They are usually comfortable with things staying the way that they are and the dreadful truth is that the person who has been abused often gets much worse abuse and scapegoating and social ostracism for daring to pull back the curtains and show the truth of what was happening inside a toxic family.
I walked away from my mother's famiy many years ago and while it does hurt, having them out of my life is a gift and it makes room for people who are capable of love and of caring, reciprocal relationships.
There is an excellent book by Lundy Bancroft called 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men' and this - if you subsitute the gender so that you view your mother as the perpetrator - is an excellent tool for recovery.
Two thumbs up for the Pete Walker book & website too, they were invaluable in my recovery.
Hi Yorkie,
I am so sorry you have experienced this abuse from your mother and that your mother has reacted in the cruel and inappropriate way that she has.
I would agree with Sandpiper's comments
Quote from: sandpiper on February 13, 2019, 06:49:31 PM
The sad thing is that those of us who need to confront the truth in order to heal will often be hindered in our recovery by family who simply want us to shut up and go away and stop rocking the boat.
They are usually comfortable with things staying the way that they are and the dreadful truth is that the person who has been abused often gets much worse abuse and scapegoating and social ostracism for daring to pull back the curtains and show the truth of what was happening inside a toxic family.
IMO it is best to block such toxic and destructive people like your mother and aunt completely from your life in every way that you can.
When you talked about your mother interfering in your relationship with your ex, I've experience this too and it's horrible.
Take care :bighug:
yorkie, how are things going? You still doing okay?
I was thinking about what you wrote about how you don't regret telling your aunt. I think that's so healthy. It was spot-on to speak your truth in that moment and it seems to me, if I recall, an important thing happened. You got the poison out, like you say, and it was really emotional, right? Like a very intense physical experience? And your aunt *at the time* was the audience you needed. Your sick M hadn't got to her yet. And she was supportive of you emotionally, to a large degree, right? Well, that kind of listening with that kind of physical release of trauma is absolutely the stuff, biologically, of healing. That's what Dr. Levine wrote about in In An Unspoken Voice. So I think your aunt actually helped heal you from the trauma. And that's what makes it so sick that your sick M would use your aunt to further break your heart. It's just really sick. She's trying to retraumatize you, and that is just so wrong. So I feel really bad you are going through that part, but really relieved you still got your healing from your aunt. It seems like it is still a huge net positive for you and I am happy for you.
I hope the healing continues and more and more you can put all this sickness far behind you and out of your life. What your mother did and continues to do to you is utterly shameful, and the shame is entirely hers, 100% on her. None of it is on you. And you have a right to a healing life from here on out. Period.
Hugs!
So sorry to reply to this so late, I had problems as my computer broke and then just a lot of other things got in the way this year and I kept meaning to come back but didn't have the strength as I wanted to forget all about my mother (it did work, mostly).
Thank you Raven Lady, yes you're correct. My aunt did appear to believe me during the phone call when I told her about the abuse. She only changed her mind after she spoke to my mother, I think. It's still one of the best things I've ever done, it still feels like a huge burden lifted from me. I haven't thought about my mother or aunt most of the year. I had a few flashbacks of the abuse but I coped ok. I'm getting there, and there' no turning back, ever again. I think they are maybe trying to use my grandfather to get to me (he sends me money at birthdays and christmas). It will not work.
Yorkie, SO happy to hear you are okay and moving on with your life. Seeing your post and knowing you landed on both feet made my day! I'm so impressed by you! I haven't been on Out of the FOG as much lately but it was great to log in and see this.
Keep taking excellent care of you!
Thank you so much RavenLady :) I hope you had a nice Christmas and wish you all the best in the new year ;D Thank you for your help.