After leaving and going NC with my NPD exhusband, I made it a point to make sure I was going out with friends and staying busy. My ex did a magnificent job of smearing me to every one of the friends we made as a couple, so I "lost" quite a few of those friends, however many of my old friends stuck by me. I appreciated this immensely over the years it took to finalize the divorce and tried to reciprocate with brunches and dinners at my place. Even though it was a really tough time, it was wonderful to be getting closer with many of these friends.
Over the past couple months (since the wrap up of the divorce), I've had more people cancel plans with me than I've had do so in years. It's really weird. I realize that people have emergencies or get sick, but I actually had someone cancel because she "felt like hibernating." On another occasion, I had bought expensive concert tickets, and the friend canceled 3 hours before the show was to start. On another night, a friend canceled a dinner date saying she thought she felt a cold coming on, but I saw on FB that she was out at dinner the next night. And then there's my friend who will make a date with me, then feign that we only had tentative plans and then beg off. Since the holidays happened in this period, I was chalking up a lot of the plan canceling to that. Now I don't know what to think.
Do I smell bad or something? Or now that the divorce is signed, sealed, and delivered, do friends think they don't need to see me as much? I've read that there is an epidemic of people canceling plans -- especially women canceling plans with their women friends. Am I on the receiving end of that? Also, to my old fashioned mind, if you are the person canceling, it's on you to reconstitute a follow-up plan. Is that still the case?
I'd love any advice, experiences, etc? I'm starting to wonder if I may need to start finding some new friends -- who believe in calendars.
I think it's an increasing issue in our culture in general. I was just discussing this same topic with someone recently.
They noted that it was taking place among their middle aged and elderly church friends.
It was mentioned also that it has become very difficult to schedule meeting for committees and music groups etc as well.
People seem to have a constant swarm of things to do and chose between. The commitment levels to groups and friends seem to be variable depending on the choices offered at the moment.
I think that online social media contributes as information about options are easy to obtain. Also the online version of life requires much less real connection, empathy, and real commitment.
I am sorry you are experiencing so much of this on a personal level. It might be time to make some new friends and reconsider the reality in your present relationships.
Perhaps, consider if you have formed any new or annoying habits that people are getting space from. Examples would be trashing the ex , being negative, getting drunk etc.
Another thought that comes to mind is the possibility the outings are being canceled because the other parties are at times low on cash.
No, its not you. Its the way things are now. People commit then bail out of plans, say they are going to do something then dont, avoid others instead of just being up front and honest and for the most part, disregard other peoples feelings. This isnt just the young generations doing this. All ages. I also was burned on concert tickets on the same day of event. Planned a party for 40 and had 6 show up. Planned a night out with friends 2 months in advance and out of 20, there was 2 people, me and another. People are doing their own thing and most would prefer being cemented to the sofa and texting. Socializing is going out the window.
Oh my, this is depressing!
In answer to your question, 1footoutta, my divorce took nearly 3 years, and over that time I learned that people really don't want to hear you trash your ex or scrape up drunk people. I've been focused on moving forward with my life, supporting my adult kids, healing. If anything, I've become calmer and more relaxed over the past year and tried to be a better listener.
Alwaystoblame -- Although I'm sorry to hear you got burned for concert tickets, thanks for sharing that. It makes me feel a little less awful. I'm sorry about your party. Like you, I plan ahead and expect people to honor their word. This super fluid social non-planning planning really does not work with my personality.
yes, there are some selfish people out there who double book and then decide which option that they want later on. The irony I find is that the same person who gets pissy when you are 10 minutes late will think nothing of canceling an entire evening that was planned a week or more ago.
Another technique to minimise the incidence of people cancelling on you is to make clear that once date, time and place are settled, then there is no need to (re)confirm closer to the time. If they insist on it, tell them that you will treat the evening as free until further notice.
When I was single I lived in a big city where there a lot of groups of people meeting up for one interest or another, some on meetup.com and others were annouunced elsewhere. Until you cultivate a more reliable group of friends, you may want to plan evenings on the basis of attending one of these activities which are fine to attend when you are flying solo. Also do not advance pay for anyone. Try to go to things that are general admission. Anyone who says that they are interested, you can send them the link to buy their own ticket.
Good luck.
:yeahthat:
Thanks! This is all excellent advice. I'm just now putting my toe in the water with Meetup groups, and I've had some good experiences with them.
I hear you about NOT buying the extra ticket. I'll see an event months down the line and get two tickets, on the plan that I'll find a friend to come along. I've learned the hard way that it's better to go solo than have to sit next to an empty seat after the friend cancels. And that's another thing I'm learning -- going to things/events on my own. It's been a scary thing to try out, but I hope to get better at that.
I wonder if it's just easier to cancel on a single person rather than cancel on a couple. I don't remember this much last minute canceling when I was married. Weird.
Openskyblue, I'm sorry you are experiencing this, how very disappointing! Any chance your X has smeared you with these friends? The one who cancelled dinner and FB her dinner out the next night? Insensitive at minimum.
My friends are really reliable unless it is an emergency. One friend forgot a rather loose plan recently and made other plans, but felt bad and made up for it.
I would tend to let others rebook, in the interim, look at expanding your circle with more reliable friends.
I did have one friend years ago that chronically broke promises and commitments (also a trait here at Out of the FOG). I dropped her. It was more like work, and I felt my time was disrespected. I care for her, but I can't invest in unreliable, I have needs too.
Good friends are like our family of choice. May you have many or few, as long as they love you and treat you as you deserve!
Summer Sun
After my divorce and when I started really working at coming Out of the FOG I found a lot of people didn't want to be with me anymore. They preferred me when I was the person I used to be. I think when we make changes to our lives it's natural for some people to feel uncomfortable and to fall away. I was very upset at losing the friends at the time, especially since I was in no position to be out making new friends. Making friends is hard as an adult. But I look back and now I'm grateful those people are no longer in my life. They never really supported me and the friendships were mostl one sided.
One thing I have learned in this journey - and it was a very painful lesson that took me a while to lean - people make time for those they want to be with. Sure, things come up, but in general people make the time for those they care about. If someone is not making time for you then that says all you need to know.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's probably no comfort to you right now, but based on my experience and what I read here and in other places this seems common.
Try not to take it personally and work on doing what you can to invite new people in to your life. People who will value the friendship you are offering.
:yeahthat:
Thanks, GettingOOTF. This is wonderful advice. It's true — I AM a very different person now. For one thing, I went from being a homemaker living in a wealthy area to a full time working woman living in a very modest and tiny apt. My friends from the old neighborhood just don't get why I'm so much happier in my new life. And I think there are other old friends who are threatened by me, because at a deep level they'd probably like to leave their marriages.
It IS hard making new friends, but I can see why I need to make more effort there.
You may also find, as I have, that dropping contact with anyone who may still be in touch with your ex will make your life easier.
:yeahthat:
Yup, I did that pretty early on. And since m ex did such an efficient job of smearing me, it was pretty easy. Also blocked a lot of people on social media — and breathed easier when I did.
Hello openskyblue,
I have not been on the site in a while. But in late December and this January I'm noticing more of my emails going unanswered. Just today, I googled whether this was a trend, and it seems to be. There were new email guidelines for keeping them short and to a specific format because people get so much communication now through email, facebook, other channels.
I don't know if it's related to what you're going through. I don't want to make you paranoid but it could be a little of both.
I just wanted to agree with the others above & it was quite relieving to read I'm not the only female getting increasingly annoyed by this
I've noticed a sharp rise in this behaviour since high school when we'd have to rely on meeting up at a certain place/time.
Now I consider most plans hypothetical situations whether arranged online or in person. I don't assume then to actually take place anymore, as that leads to disappointment. People don't seem to honor plans or people's time any more, and it's more about their mood that day or what is most convenient for them. Honestly a lot of times ppl just can't be arsed, they don't have a reasonable excuse. We all have things pop up but some ppl are notorious for flaking & it says a lot about their personality if u ask me. This obviously fractures relationships, I've found many of my friendships have become virtual by nature, in that most of our communication is on apps or texts. Personally I prefer going out & doing things with friends. Even if it's just a cuppa & a chat . That seems to be a thing of the past.
I'm not sure what is the way around this as it does seem epidemic but I plan on getting involved in more community stuff or weekly dance classes where I can have regular meet ups with people
:yeahthat:
Same here! There's a welding class I've wanted to take for years, and I'm going to enroll next week.
Ironically, I had brunch plans fall through today in the same way: Made plans for brunch with a friend a few weeks ago with time and restaurant confirmed. On my way out this morning I texted my friend to say I might be a few minutes late, due to packed parking. She texted back to say she assumed our plans were off because she "hadn't heard from me." I'm supposed to reconfirm plans that were already confirmed? Honestly, I find it annoying. If people can schedule work meetings in one go, why does there need to be multiple rounds of confirmation for a social date?
I went to brunch with my appetite and the Sunday newspaper — and had a lovely time. Fortunately, last night some other friends came over for dinner — something we planned over a month ago by text. So I've not lost my faith in a scheduling humanity yet.