I haven't posted in a while. I was trying to improve myself, do the work or either was getting exhausted and depressed from it all. Anyway 18 days ago my uNPD husband came home from work he told me he was going to eat out with a family member and wanted our son to go with him. He was in a right mood from the morning so I asked him what was the matter with him. That's when he just exploded. About how angry he was because I seem to be going out everyday and hadn't ironed and sorted out his clothes. I told him I went out that day because our daughter needed school shoes as the ones she was wearing were very tight, he said he wasn't happy because I spent too long. I explained to him I have a right to go to other shops. Anyway he wouldn't stop about how I use his money and don't do much for him. So I got upset and told him it felt like he just didn't want me to have a life. He went on a holiday during the Christmas break for two weeks on his own. I had our three children for two weeks. Our son has a genetic illness he's 14 years old I was washing him giving him his medications everyday. So naturally when NPD came back from holiday and kids went back to school I felt like going out, after I dropped the kids to school. I was only going to the gym or met up with my sister or my mum or just went shopping. But he said he wasn't happy with his life at home as he got no respect so he was leaving. I Told him I knew he wasn't going to as twice before he has packed his things put them in his van told the kids he's going and not gone. So this time he packed his things and walked out at 2am, in the middle of night. He didnt tell the kids but they could hear him saying it to me. He never said bye to them . Since then he only txts me about arranging to see our son. His daughters don't want to see him and he hasn't once asked me how they are. He doesn't call or txt about what he is going to do or about our future or that night. Just said on that night he wanted to end it. Will be getting a divorce. He does see his son. And has started paying child maintaince. I am lost, I have asked him what's the next step of his plan but he didn't respond. My family thinks Maybe he's not really done, I am not so sure just so confused. A part of me is relieved and a part is still in shock. Does any one know if narcs do this just to get at you or is he really gone?
Tired I am so sorry this is happening. No one can tell you what his motives are. Who knows for sure. We can speculate all day and never really know his motives or what he is thinking; whether he has a next step to a plan or if this is just a PD rage. I would say the important thing is what is your next step? What do you want to do?
I certainly understand the mixture of relief, shock, and confusion you must be feeling. I guess I really don't have any advice except to focus on you and the kids. It is good he is paying maintenance. Take care of you and the kids. Remember you have a lot of good people here that are here for you. Wishing you peace and strength.
I agree with Coyote above. Maybe this is a good moment to ask yourself what do you want? Do you want him to come back? Is your life different with him gone? How? Do you prefer your life with or without him?
Forgive me if this comes across as insensitive, but just a little thought....maybe it's time to...
THROW A PARTY.
Enjoy the removal of a dark presence in your life. Make up for lost time with joy! You deserve it!
Thank you for your replies. In regards to what do I want . I wanted for him to change by I see that this can't happen. I was trying Myself to detach from him, as was suggested to me a while ago on this forum. I was trying not to give him supply and be Myself. I was quite happy when he went on his holiday to get the peace but was also angry and thought he was being selfish. I didn't contant him much whilst he was on holiday and this also made him mad. I was trying to detach and enjoy my own time with my children. I worry about coping with my son's medical condition on my own, but my family made a true comment he didn't help me that much, with him anyway and when he did he always wanted so much back. Both my daughters don't want him back, they have had enough of him saying he going then not going after having packed his stuff. So I don't want to trumatise them anymore than they already have been. My shock of him going, has just worn off and a part of me is relieved that he has gone. At least he is not controlling me anymore. But I don't like his silent treatment regarding the whole situation. When I send him a txt about our marriage and what he done, he doesn't respond. So I suppose I am done too. I just have this fear that he might say after a week or two that he can't cope and wants to come back and I might be weak and let him even though I don't want to anymore, I want to move forward and heal. On the other hand I see his discard as selfish and think what if he moves forward with his new life and does better whilst we suffer. Maybe I am being a pessimist as he was so toxic to me I should know better not to think like that. RavenLady, thank you for yr reply, the thing about throwing a party well that's exactly what my brother said, he doesn't understand why I am.not jumping up and down as for a while now I have been telling him somewhere along the line I will have to end it because he won't change. But I suppose I was in dissonance and now he's done it and I am In shock and confused.
And that is quite normal. It is a big change. You have been with him for a long time and are used to him. Change is scary. When I finally left, I was everything but enthusiastic. So no worries if you are not jumping up and down with joy. You have put a lot of emotions in that man. Now might be a good moment to put the emotions and support into yourself and your children. Expriment with a different set of rules and dynamics in your new household.
Notrightinthehead, thank you for yr reply. You are absolutely right I have spent a long time and a lot of emotions on trying make things work in my marriage. Maybe that's why now that he's gone I felt so tired and exhausted. I hope my energy levels return and in time I feel happy and strong
I still living with my pdh. But coming to terms with my marriage being non existent and not having a partner and what I had gone through, and what I had given up, missed out own, and the effort, and emotion invested all pretty much being for naught.. Well that took some energy to process and it was very draining physically. But it did get better eventually.
Dear Tired. You will feel tired and empty. All those stress hormones in your body, all that up and down you have gone through. Allow yourself to feel the exhaustion. Try to rest. Be kind to yourself. You have deserved it. When I kicked my ubpd partner out I felt exhausted and drained. For a few months. The first three weeks were quite extreme and then it slowly got better! After a while of feeling exhausted and down you will feel your old self coming back slowly. And then you can enjoy your life again.
Hugs
H
Thank you for your reply Hikercymru. For three week my uNPD husband has given me the silent treatment. I asked him what his plans was and he didn't reply. So I told him a wanted a share of his savings. He said I was getting nothing till the divorce was done. So I asked him when he was gonna start the divorce. And he asked me if I was ready. Now he has gone to my dad who is also an uNPD, who I am in no contact with and has told him he was just on a break because we had difference but I have asked for divorce. He has also said this to his family members and friends. All this has made me more angry and tired. I don't get why he is throwing all blame on me. I don't want to be with him anymore. But I feel so tired and exhausted. I am looking after the kids alone. My son has a medical condition and he only sees him on the Sunday. The girls don't even want to see him. And my dad is telling my brother to tell me to take him back. So frustrating.
Dear Tired
All his efforts to distort the truth are just designed to weaken you. It would be best to just ignore them as background noise.
You need to get focused and keep focused on getting divorced and getting your money. It doesn't matter what he says or what other people think. It's very hard to focus when the lies and confusing messages keep on coming.
Is there anything stopping you from instigating the divorce?
H
Yes you are very right Hikercymru, I have blocked all his friends wifes on what app, sadly my only friends were the wife's of his friends. I be honest i wouldn't have called them true friends anyway. But I had no other social life outside that other than seeing my mum and sister. Now I feel rather isolated. I wanted him to start the divorce process because he's been on about it all this time. He never done the work to help fix the marriage. I don't want the end of it to be on me. Maybe that is silly and maybe it's just my ego not sure.
Hello again.
It's the guilty ego of the typical co dependent maybe?
This is my perspective: you have tried to save the marriage, no matter what he did. Clinging on grimly throughout his cruel behaviours. Despite this you feel guilty if you were the initiator of divorce.
Healthier thinking would be: I have tried everything, I need to save myself and I need to take control of the situation otherwise he is going to continue his abusive behaviours for much longer and mess me around.
It's a tough journey, because I am guessing you might still hope that he comes back a changed man?
I have been there myself and have passively gone along with a man's abusive treatment of me when I shouldn't have. I got there in the end and kicked him out. My situation was simpler as we were not married and had no children together. But I remember that moment when I took my future into my own hands and finally made decisions on what I wanted and that were good for me, and me alone.
Hugs