My uBPD sister is getting married in May and I've decided to attend the ceremony and cocktail hour, but leave before my sister potentially tortures our dad by ignoring his introversion and social anxiety and insisting he do the father-daughter-dance with her AND before I get labeled as "rude" because I won't eat since the buffet won't have any options that work for my ridiculous dietary restrictions.
BUT I'm still worried that our family might think I'm the unreasonable/irrational/petty/manipulative one.
My therapist wants me to keep in mind how ridiculous my sister's perceptions and expectations are so...anyone have any outrageous PD wedding stores to share?
Emerged from the bathroom fully dressed for my (uBPD) cousin's wedding and found her in the bedroom with her dad's (uNPD) hand down the front of her dress. We froze. Cousin: "He's great at fixing my boobs so they look fantastic." Her dad nods, fixes his daughter's breast, and withdraws his hand and leaves the room. We continue with wedding day prep as though it never happened.
Looking back, that was my first real sign that all was not kosher in my dad's side of the family.
:aaauuugh:
Thank you, Daisy! I don't know how you got through it!
My wedding is full of stories. I didn't want my Ndad to walk me down the aisle, because patriarchy, nothing personal. Long story short I was bullied into having him do it. On the wedding day, he deliberately causes me to trip coming down the aisle! He also pulled my elderly godfather in to take his place midway through the father-daughter dance. Neither of us knew he was going to do that and I was left standing awkwardly on the floor for about half a minute while he drags my godfather out on the floor.
I have a few but no time now, so will post later
PD Parents refused to come to my wedding (at first). They even booked a vacation for that same weekend.
When they realized that I was still going to get married (duh!) they had a change of heart because "what would people say?". Definitely not "what awful parents are we to refuse to come to our daughter's wedding?"
A few days after the wedding I moved about 1500 miles away to where my husband was stationed in the military. My moving away was part of the objection to the wedding. Parting words from my parents "If you get into any trouble, don't call."
Oh wow y'all....I have been carrying some wedding stories for years that I want to get off my chest.
What we did correctly was getting married by ourselves in a State of our choosing and the florist and the photographer served as witness. :applause: :cloud9:
What we should not have done is had a reception later on that was NOT ON OUR TERMS. :blowup:
The guest list for the reception was supposed to be small...our friends and close family. Instead, PDmil insisted that we invite her friends since they had all attended DH's siblings weddings. It was terribly awkward to host guests that both DH and I did not know. It was like: hello, nice to meet you. Thanks for coming to our reception... :doh:
Also, PDmil was handed the top tier of the cake by the caterer to save for DH and I. She. Dropped. It. And laughed. No apology. Didn't even offer to buy us a replacement.... You all better believe I have been holding in certain choice words with regards to this situation. :hulk:
And my guest book.......apparently BIL and his wife signed the page in the guest book that was for DH and I ONLY to sign. In our rush to get to the reception site we had forgotten to sign our own book before setting it out. Ugh. Might as well light that damn guest book on fire as it is now spoiled....and the guest book was a lovely gift from my siblings....if I told my siblings what happened I know they would be crushed. >:(
Ugh.
We planned and paid for our wedding. I invited my FOO, which was a mistake.
PDf insisted on making a speech, and stood and talked about himself for 20 minutes before making a crack about my weight (I was anorexic at the time) and then finally taking his seat.
My PDm at the end of the night talked me into handing over my dress so she could have it cleaned and boxed for safekeeping. When I finally worked up the nerve to ask for it back months later, she said she lost it. Giggled. Turns out she sold it for gambling money. She has never admitted the truth or apologized for this or anything else.
Oh gosh! These are dreadful!
I had to deal with PA type behaviour and bad hints from updmil.
-white is her colour (no hint of joking)
-no smiles in ANY photos
-complaints after the big day
-found out she would tell everyone how
I was just so lucky etc implying I was gaining more than DH
- rejected anything (aka everything) that wasn't her idea
-awkward mother son dance neither of them appeared to enjoy but was insisted upon
I could go on and on...it was a great day in spite of it all.
Dukkha- that's unreal! I think I'd lose my mind over something like that.
Pepin...my mil also insisted on inviting all of her friends, every time they went to dinner with a couple we had to add them...sil's friends also.
P&k, likewise, my mil's first dress choice was white lace...wow.
Updh and uPD fil almost got in a fistfight at the rehearsal dinner, then updsil riled up her friends to join her in taking sides against uPDh, at our reception, with MY friends sitting there.
The fight started over a bizarre family issue, won't give details, but major narcissistic injury for mil and fil, and they were afraid of being caught in a lie.
Updm just had bpd and ocpd fits about everything...
SIL was in my wedding party but skipped my bachelorette party.
SIL had to be center of attention all day.
Flash forward to sil's wedding. She chose the night before h and I were to leave for an early morning flight to Hawaii (knowing full well, our plans were already made, it was a biz trip and couldn't be changed.) So we attended the ceremony but not the reception, had to go home to bed. Drunk fil called later, woke us up, to tell us he was talking to a friend and we just had to look up friends son in Hawaii!
Then,younger cousins wedding... She and I were raised like sisters, very close. She was in my wedding. She asks my updm if she should ask me to be in her wedding. Updm says no, then tells me all this. Then uPDm insists that I help her organize the shower... ??? Um...that's the bridal party's job..."oh but those girls won't do a good job" well, then maybe I should have been asked to be in the wedding??? I refused to organize the shower. That was part of what started the final days leading up to my nc with uPDm. She couldn't stand that I told her no.
Phew, thanks for listening!!
💜
Ah, the ritual PD wedding, such memories of joy and....
So, when my covert uNPD SIL got married, she insisted the whole family had to stay next door to the outdoor wedding site. My exhusband and I rented a big, drafty house for us all (8 people, including 2 kids and his elderly parents). The day of the wedding, she wanted us to see the site, so we all trooped over.
There was a tent, piles of folding chairs and tables, crates of glasses, plates, cutlery, no electricity. She figured we could just set everything up for the wedding — in 3 hours!!! So we did. Caterers dropped off food, but there were no servers, because why would you pay for that when your family can sling hash? Then, after the wedding and reception were over, by the light of the headlights of our cars, which we'd pointed towards the tent, we took it all down. It was a moonless, pitch dark night in the countryside. I've never been so tired in my life, and actually fell in the shower later from utter exhaustion.
To this day, my kids refuse to enter the state where this wedding occurred, as do I.
I live abroad and came back to my country for my wedding. Because I don't live there anymore, I stayed with my parents before and after the wedding... :yes:
Before my wedding my mother decided that she would get parts of my parents' house renovated (for me?!?). :blink:
I had told her that if cleaning the house for my wedding was too much for her, I would pay for a cleaner. Unfortunately, she did not take me up on this offer.
The week of my wedding my BPD mother organized different renovations. I got married on the Thursday of that week. On Monday & Tuesday (3 days before my wedding), BPD mother got new kitchen cabinets refitted. On Wednesday, the day before my wedding, she got new doors installed and busily painted her bedroom.
Throughout the week she told me that nobody would be looking at me?!? at my wedding :stars: and then asked me why I looked so stressed. :flat:
My wedding was just after Easter and there was a large floral crucifixion arrangement at the altar. This flower arrangement was very big and I suggested that my father talk with the ladies who arrange flowers in the church to see if we could maybe remove it and put it back again after the wedding. (Enfather goes to mass every day and is very devout and knows everyone in the church). Instead BPD mother immediately rang up the flower ladies and loudly told them that I did not like the floral arrangement and that it wouldn't do!!!! (I had not said anything like this!) Unsurprisingly, the flower ladies did not let us move the floral crucifixion scene. :no:
On the morning of my wedding, PBD mother made both bridesmaids' bouquets. (She had insisted on doing the floral arrangements and bouquets even though I had tried to get her to only do a little of the floral arrangements). She then told me that I would have to do my own bouquet (on the morning of my wedding!!!) as she couldn't do it.
We had a hair dresser and make up artist. I had hoped to get BPD mother's hair and makeup done first so that she could go down to the church and give DH and groomsmen their buttonholes. BPD mother would just not corporate, when the make up artist wanted to do BPD mother's make up, BPD mother was busy doing something else and I spent a lot of time trying to cajole BPD mother into sitting down to get her makeup done. (BPD mother had requested that she get her hair and make up done, this was something she had wanted.) It just added to the stress of the that BPD mother wouldn't go down early to the church to give DH and groomsmen their buttonholes.
BPD mother went off to the bar to drink with her buddies and didn't stick around the reception room after the dinner. BPD mother asked people to my wedding and only told me afterwards that I had to have so and so at my wedding. BPD mother insisted that I asked friends of hers that I had never met.
Afterwards, I left some of my wedding presents in my parents' as I couldn't take everything back to Canada. BPD mother took silver serving spoons that my godmother had given me and put them into her silver cabinet! :blink: There were about 9 bottles of prosecco left after my wedding, BPD mother and FOO drank them all. They never asked DH husband and I if that was ok nor did they save a bottle for us!
Sister was bridesmaid, she was very demanding about her dress, I had to spend a long time researching bridesmaids' dresses and running options by her before she would chose a dress. She refused in front of the whole wedding to dance with the groomsman at the first dance when the bridesmaids and groomsmen join in. Sister than gave out about how embarrassing it was for her to walk up the aisle with the groomsman as he was too short!!! She wasn't helpful in the run up to the wedding and only organized the hair and make up as that was what she was interested in.
I left the remains of my wedding cake in my parents' freezer and was looking forward to eating it at a later stage with DH. It was a traditional fruit cake and the kind of cake that does last if wrapped up properly. My parents' freezer lost power a few times. My sister threw my wedding cake out. I was a bit upset as she didn't ask me before she threw it out and it was also the kind of cake that doesn't go off easily. :(
Enfather made a pretty nice speech about me. I was really touched, especially as he had been quite mean to me when I was a teenager. BPD mother made sure to tell me after the wedding while Enfather's speech had been very nice that I musn't forget his behaviour towards me when I was a teenager...
Sorry that this has been so long - it's great to get this off my chest!
This enforces my decision that to go NC with BPD mother was a good idea! :woohoo:
The seven-minute mother-son dance.
My sister's MOH toast about how I want to be a 50's housewife with a white picket fence and 2.1 children and now I have my opportunity. (What???)
Ndad spent the morning of my wedding doing laundry and was vacuuming right outside the room where I was getting my dress on and trying to pray before the ceremony.
NPD grandpa-in-law literally followed DH and I to our hotel room.
How the Ns in both sides not wanting to be outshone led to our wedding being much more elaborate than originally planned.
Oh, and How could I forget. The bridesmaids have processed in, it's about time for me to enter the church with my father. At the last moment he turns to me and says tenderly... "You don't have to go through with this, you know."
My brother did not invite me to his wedding at all.
I only found out about it when I got a bunch of emails from my PDf who was sending from the reception. Bunch of pics with notes like "having a wonderful time!"
That was the end of my contact with my family for me.
QuoteOh, and How could I forget. The bridesmaids have processed in, it's about time for me to enter the church with my father. At the last moment he turns to me and says tenderly... "You don't have to go through with this, you know."
/quote]
OMG Cordelia, on my wedding day I got faint before going down the aisle (I'm a lifelong fainter). Minister and friends have me sitting down with cool compresses on my neck, and my NBro says with concern, "You don't have to do this, you know." WTH????
Wow. I feel bad because mine was perfect:
- narents were wintering abroad
- MIL was visiting GC SIL
- UNPDb was on a bender
- SIL's were NC with DH
So that left a wonderful JP officiating in a small, intimate venue attended by bouquets of friends, a couple well behaved family members, with good food, an open bar, a lovely evening.
Summer Sun, I'm glad for you! 8-)
Quote from: Summer Sun on February 15, 2019, 10:23:45 AM
Wow. I feel bad because mine was perfect:
- narents were wintering abroad
- MIL was visiting GC SIL
- UNPDb was on a bender
- SIL's were NC with DH
So that left a wonderful JP officiating in a small, intimate venue attended by bouquets of friends, a couple well behaved family members, with good food, an open bar, a lovely evening.
Perfect!
Reading some of these posts have brought back other memories:
- uPDM offered to store my wedding dress after my wedding. She kept the box next to the cat box, and my dress was ruined with cat urine.
- My oldest niece was married last year. DH and I were so excited to travel back to our home town for the wedding. uPDM behaved as though we were there to see HER, and oh by the way there's a wedding too.
- Same niece's wedding, uPDM refused to participate in any of the events around the wedding. Wouldn't go to the rehearsal or dinner, wouldn't join the group of us getting pre-wedding manicures, refused to come into the room where niece was getting ready for pre-wedding pictures, left the reception very early. But what she DID do was to stand up and start cheering when my niece started down the aisle. I can see this might be nice at some weddings, but this was not that sort of wedding. It was clear uPDM was just dying to be the center of attention.
Wow - these are mind-boggling!
My wedding was relatively PD-drama free. My uBPD sister refrained from spending the entire reception balling in the bathroom out of self-pity/attention-seeking (like she did at my high school graduation dinner, which my NPD gma hijacked and insisted we go to a restaurant that I HATE even though I'd made a reservation at my favorite restaurant), but she glared at my new FIL through his speech to the point that my new SIL asked, "who's that lady mad-dogging my dad?" I told her, "Oh, that's my sister - she's just like that. Just ignore her." My NPD gma was also on good behavior.
NPD GMA has been married 5 times now. Each of her weddings I've attended were awkward and weird as can be! My sister's 2 prior engagements never had dates chosen (if she was even engaged - one of the guys didn't speak English so there was no was to verify they were engaged).
I'm trying not to get anxious about the inevitable drama of the wedding. Anyone have good stories of their PDs getting married?
I try to forget this terrible day but can't. Some of the events are vague and maybe a bit mixed up. Over time everything merges into one big catastrophe. So here goes...
My uBPD/uNPD sister was having a stressful time, marriage breakdown, no money. One of my other siblings was getting married. On the morning of the wedding I called for an ambulance as my sister threatened suicide in front of me, very stressed out. I remember a phone being thrown across the room. She was acting in a strange way. So I did the right thing and called the emergency services. Police and ambulance turned up. She acted calmly and told them we were the ones with mental health issues. They didn't detain her. She drove away to her house. We were all trying to get ready in time. We had a people carrier booked. We had to drive to the other side of the city to meet up with my sibling getting married there and it would have taken a couple of hours. We had to be at the wedding venue on time obviously.
Sister decided to come so we had to drive to pick her up in the taxi, going in another direction, and had to wait for her to get ready. She ended up shouting and swearing at everyone in the taxi including an elderly close friend. My sister was very distressed and angry.
On the way she was getting more and more hysterical. At one point she didn't want to come and she opened the door whilst the taxi was moving to get out. She didn't get out. .
Lots of what happened is now a blur. No one wanted to talk to her. She was upsetting lots of the guests. She did a big performance looking after our elderly mother at the ceremony.
There's a photo of the bride looking radiant and smiling with my sister just behind her with a face on her like a bulldog chewing a wasp. She was looking so grumpy and upset.
We were all on edge all day in case she said or did something outrageous.
Most of the guests had been warned about her. People were assigned to chaperone her and keep her occupied. She was telling them terrible things about the sibling getting married, swearing about them to their friends.
On the way home the taxi driver had had enough of her shouting and swearing and pulled over. Rather than agree to calm down she got out to get a bus home late at night in an agitated state. She didn't have any money on her so I went to give her some cash at the bus stop. She lashed out at me and hit me whilst swearing and shouting at me. I gave her money to get a bus. She was like an out of control wild animal.
Eventually back home her teenage children were crying. She wouldn't allow them to get in their house. She had a total angry meltdown.
I can't remember all the exact details and events. I think my brain just chooses to forget certain things because it was all so stressful and traumatic.
One of the worst days of my life. What should have been a happy joyous occasion was ruined by her. One of many days like that. I get used to them.
guitarman
Guitarman, I am so sorry you had to go through that. Your sister reminds me so much of my DH's ex. How to cope, much less, thrive, with that going on. I wish you strength and peace.
My step daughter, a young child at the time, was our flower girl. We were thankful DH's ex not only allowed it (they had joint custody, but ex was the custodial parent), but had dressed and done her hair beautifully. SD was ready on time and looked adorable that day!
Unfortunately, DH's car wouldn't start after picking her up on the way to our wedding. (Ex had wiped him out financially while they were married, the divorce finished it, and the only car he could afford while trying to get back on his feet was not in great shape.)
His ex, diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses (& declared 100% mentally disabled by the government), who'd also cheated on him, constantly threatened that she'd never let him see his daughter again if he didn't do this or that, lied that he was physically abusive to her, regularly insinuated he'd abused their daughter, constantly had her lawyer send threatening letters to us over the most minor things, etc., and berated him weekly over everything else—insisted on taking them to the wedding. During the ride, she proceeded to demand to know "why he wouldn't forgive her/when would he forgive her?" All right before the wedding, and with their young daughter with them. To this day, she insists she was "a model ex-wife." She has been married and divorced 6 times now, 3 of them to one man who she accused of raping her, then claimed was "the only man who ever really loved her."
Trying to deal with her rationally was a 15-year nightmare (for DH, 20 years +).
Most of the rest of the actual day seemed to go okay, although there were other things going on behind the scenes that I didn't find out about or have to pay for (emotionally) until later...
There was a family member's wedding where the BPD bride was literally falling down drunk as she walked down the aisle. She told people not to post pictures without her permission due to 'privacy'. It was a wedding on a public beach, so that made no sense to me until later when I found out she was on probation for a weapons charge and drinking would be a violation of her probation. She told people to eat the food because she paid for it and also said she wouldn't throw the bouquet because she paid for it. This was a destination wedding where all of the guests flew in from other states. So her comments about how much money she spent on the wedding were especially rude and selfish.
During the vows, she actually said she vowed that the groom would always be there for her and that if he liked a different football team than her favorite team, that she'd kill him. Then she gave him a football jersey (WTF!) during the vows. At the beach reception, she changed into her bathing suit and strutted down the sand while holding her dress up in one hand and swirling it around above her head and saying 'woohoo'. Then she began posing in the water like she was a professional model on a photo shoot (there was a photographer taking pictures). It was tasteless, appalling and painful. The groom looked on like this was all normal - completely oblivious to the guests all staring, mouths agape and very uncomfortable. After all that mess, family and friends got together almost for a debriefing - trying to make sense of what we witnessed and in the end, making jokes and shaking our heads because we all knew there was nothing we could do about it anyway. I went NC with the bride after that and only have cursory contact with the groom since he's family. The rest of my family is in contact with the bride and groom. But I can't - it's too draining for me to have people like that in my life.
Hi...here's mine...
I had moved away with new partner...350 miles (after ending abusive and violent marriage)
Parents came down for my wedding, they stayed in a hotel for a few days and then
WITHOUT TELLING ME, went home the night before!!!!!
Imagine that!
Of course, I didn't know until the next morning and spent the first half of my wedding day in floods of tears
Lord knows what they said to their friends...hero brother had already visited the week before bless him but GC sister said she couldn't come as her boyfriend had a sore throat!!!
I now realise I was being punished...I still don't know why, maybe it was because she wasn't the centre of attention??
Thanks Mother!... :'(
My wedding was overseas, where my H is from and where we still live. While uNM and En F were in good health, H's F was already seriously ill at the time of the wedding and passed away less than a year later. He would not have been able to travel to the US for the wedding. When we explained the reason for holding the wedding overseas, unM announced that she "didn't care how ill anyone is." I really, really regret inviting UNmom, en F and EN bro to the wedding and not announcing it to some really good friends out of embarrassment at how uNM would behave (I have now lost contact with them). On my wedding day, uNM kept criticizing me...and read me out afterward...for holding my H's hand and "ignoring your F and your bro" (which was not the case but yes, I did hold my H's hand on our wedding day). Of course, during the reception, uNM made me promise to keep in contact with FOO because "there's so much divorce and blood is all you can really count on," and when they finally returned home, she told me that a customs agent had told her not to worry that I had married overseas because "they all come back."
So, being young and naive to NPD behavior, I innocently included uNmil in wedding planning. What I now realize is that while I may have been generous and inclusive with mil (i.e.: wanting acceptance from my new family) My MIL certainly pushed her PD ways onto me.
Fast forward: I have since learned that uNmil is crazy CRAZY crazy for parties. The more parties the better. She lives for parties. Hint: Party=supply.
Highlights of uNmil PD and our wedding
• uNmil sampled wedding cakes with DH and I (umm I think I can pick out a cake), steered catering choices (due to her HIGH standards) and had to approve the venue (control).
• uNmil insisted on a HUGE rehearsal dinner (as in- invited practically the whole darned wedding guest list)
• Immediately following the vow exchange, rather than say congrats, uNmil pointed out that I made an error (not her son). Gee thanks!
• uNmil interrupted our bride/groom dance in order for us to cut cake ???? Cousins were get'in hungry!
• Pushed onto us the need to have a "breakfast brunch" the day after the wedding. (Again, another HUGE party).
• uNmil invited all of DH's FOO back to our house after the brunch (wtf!) She had to keep the party going. Supply, supply, supply... :blowup:
I wish I had known then what I know now (boundaries with PD's) and I would have done things differently. Oh yeah, DH and I covered the all bills.
A couple from my extended FOO:
-Groom's mother ruined wedding, she voiced her objections at one point in the ceremony when the ritual question of if anyone has any objections was asked. I don't know about the fine details. It appears it was about losing control over her son.
-Bride disinvited her (non-PD, flawed but decent) F, but still had him give her a ride to the wedding, instead of driving or taking a cab or whatever. He dressed to the nines on the off-chance she'd change her mind and invite him at the last minute. Didn't happen.
Wow, wow wow some of these stories are just horrible!!!
In a way, I'm lucky that my uNPD sister didn't come to my wedding or reception... but the story leading up to it is the outrageous part.
So, my *now* husband and I planned a small wedding and invited only close family, including my NPD sister and her 3 adult children (youngest was 20). All of them agreed to go and we had been planning on them coming, planning jobs for each of them (such as photography, etc) . About 3 months before the wedding, I told my sister that she upset me about something really small and she FREAKED out and was berating me via group text with my other siblings. We didn't talk for a few days and then I asked her to have a phone conversation with me because I was sick of her treating me like this. So we talked on the phone and ended up yelling at each other... you don't know me but I do not yell at people and consider myself a pretty cool-headed person. So anyway after that she said she wasn't coming to the wedding, and then lo and behold a few days later her son texted me that he wasn't coming "for what I did to her". And then her other son texted that he wasn't coming because he "really only wanted to see his family" and "for what I did to her" and then her daughter wouldn't even answer my texts or calls.
Soooo none of them came to the wedding. No one sent a card, no one texted me the day of, NOTHING. We had a separate reception party to invite friends and family a couple months later. I sent my sister and her husband, both my nephews and my niece and invite and NO ONE RESPONDED, NO ONE SAID A WORD. Until the week before the reception, my sister texted me saying how she was confused about my invite and wasn't sure if I really wanted her there. I texted back and said that I sent her the invite so it was her choice to come or not. And then no response and she obviously did not show up. Still to this day, 3 years later none of them have ever said anything about it. No congrats, no regrets, nothing.
NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER AT IT'S FINEST PEOPLE. :stars:
We had a noon wedding and a short reception (about four hours).
My inlaws (uNMIL and socially clueless FIL) called when us at home to let us know they had some favors from the reception they wanted to drop off, while parked in front of our house. The night of our wedding.
My husband and I waited for our wedding night if you know what I mean.
We told them it was fine because they were well, already there, but for real, who does this?! (Honestly we'd been home for about five minutes...and had amazing self control ;))
Quote from: DaisyGirl77 on February 13, 2019, 11:03:08 PM
Emerged from the bathroom fully dressed for my (uBPD) cousin's wedding and found her in the bedroom with her dad's (uNPD) hand down the front of her dress. We froze. Cousin: "He's great at fixing my boobs so they look fantastic."
:aaauuugh:
Since you asked about PDs getting married... My uNPDBIL and uPDsister's wedding was a disaster through and through. It was all done "on the cheap" in part to shame me and DH for our more elaborate wedding. The main reason ours was fancier than originally planned was that was uNparents and uNMIL were constantly trying to one-up each other. :roll: But at least DH and I made sure everyone had a fantastic time! And good food. Sis and BIL... not so much. They had photos after the ceremony, and then made a detour to pick up Chinese food on their way to the reception. They wouldn't allow anyone to do this for them, and nobody knew where anything was or had keys to anything at the reception venue (not a reception hall, an organization to which BIL belongs so they let them use the building for free.) So it meant that everyone was standing around at the reception place for over an hour with no food or music or anything. We couldn't even find the lights for a while. When the bride and groom finally arrived, there was not enough to go around. It was a small wedding and super super awkward, because the smear campaigns had been going strong against me, because I had called BIL out on some of his more concerning behaviors and caught him red-handed in several lies. So I was the selfish pariah who had tried to sabotage the wedding, and tried to take all the attention to myself because I had the audacity to have a baby before the wedding and bring her along. The only reason I had even gone to the wedding was so I wouldn't burn my bridges with sis in case she ever needed help to leave him. :doh: So I was expecting it to be bad, but I went anyway. Because I actually cared about her and not myself. :doh: My FOO cleared out of there as soon as they thought they could get away with it. I was embarrassed by their rude behavior and felt obligated to stay longer than I would have otherwise as a result. I was the only one with kids there, too.
Both of my uNPD parents were also very opposed to this wedding, but of course happy to let me take the fallout and egg me on in my attempt to help sis "come to Jesus". At one point the photographer had my sister and me pose for a photo. I was trying to hold it together, and uNM called out at the last possible moment, "Don't cry, Cordelia!" Seriously, not helpful. She had that narcissistic smirk on her face, watching me suffer. I looked really pissed in that photo, but it was at NM in that moment.
I might add more later, but life in the here and now calls.
Thank you all for sharing!
Cordelia - what a nightmare! I'm mostly wondering what I'm getting into by even showing up to the this wedding. I need to keep reminding myself that I can leave at any time and try to resist all the F.O.G!!!
My therapist just pointed out that my uBPD sis asking my mom to ask me to basically babysit my dad so he doesn't get fed up with any drama and leave early is "subtle drama" within itself. I was floored because I totally hadn't realized it!
Then today I suddenly realized my uBPD asking our cousin permission to have her wedding a week before his already-scheduled wedding is also "subtle drama"! What could he possibly say?! I'm proud he joked, "Are you trying to steal my thunder?" Although I'm not sure if he realizes she actually is!
I definitely need to prioritize my well-being over my desire to spend time with our family! Especially when I'll see them the following week!
"Subtle drama" indeed. Not to mention triangulation... What is it called with two go-betweens? Rectangulation? Certainly a tangle. :tongue:
The uPD pulling everyone's puppet strings behind the scenes so they play their roles in the wedding pageant is very familiar to me. You don't need me to tell you that it's not your job to "manage" a grown adult for the sake of some other grown adult's public facade. >:( UNPDBIL tried that one on us too, now that you mention it. At the last minute he offered my DH and me a minor role in the wedding ceremony. It was very obviously a rug-sweeping gesture. Even though I didn't have the vocabulary or knowledge at the time, I knew it was fake and told him I wasn't going to put on an act to make us look closer than we actually are. Of course, I mostly ended up doing just that, but at least that little skirmish didn't come out the way he wanted. I know my sister's feelings were hurt but I was trying to act with integrity, as fogged as I was. I can tell you are doing the same. :drinks:
Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on April 02, 2019, 08:20:10 AM
I know my sister's feelings were hurt but I was trying to act with integrity, as fogged as I was. I can tell you are doing the same. :drinks:
:cheers:
(P.S. this is the first time I've seen this emoji and its now my new favorite!)
There's never been any family weddings for me to go to (they all happened before I was born) but if anyone starts a funeral thread then I certainly have a story for that. Ha.
Part of me feels like those family members who ruined/sold wedding dresses should be taken to court and sued Judge Judy style, but legal matters with PD people can be more stress than it's worth :s
Wow, these stories!
My story:
BPD mum diagnosed with terminal cancer. NPD dad falls apart. GC brother gets engaged. BPD mum rings me late one night -begs me to get him to set a date. It's her last wish to see him married. I say no at first then yes when emotionally blackmailed.
I'm now a flying monkey for mum. I feel stupidly empowered and message them. I tell them mum may well not be here for much longer, how about setting a date sooner rather than later? They both rage. It's nothing to do with me and I've now ruined their engagement. ( I agree that I shouldn't have taken this on, however the vitriol I received was appalling.)
Okay, I tried.
The next day, they took it to mum and dad. Their wrath included criticisms of my son's Facebook page. My son had nothing to do with any of it. Cue worst phone call of my life. Incredible, screaming rage from them both. Told I'd 'never be forgiven. '
'Hang on mum, ' I said, ' you asked me to do this.'
'I never asked you to do anything. What phone call?'
Cue massive panic attack.
Cue crying and pleading with my parents to please let me come see my dying mum.
Nope. You are banned.
Few weeks pass.
Phone call had also included criticism of my son( he used bad language now and again on his fb page. GC bro is a snob and thought it reflected badly on the family )
Cue nasty PUBLIC messages from them, on my son's Facebook page!
Cue my fury, with nowhere to put it. My son had to block him, his own uncle.
All goes quiet about wedding. Wow, I'm allowed to see mum again( weeks later) but on condition that I don't mention what has happened. These visits had an incredibly shaming atmosphere. I was treated like I had committed a terrible crime.
I had to follow a fixed script. One false move and I'd be a gonner again, is what it felt like. GC bro's future wife had been upset, and I had to pay for that.
Cue also, extended hostility from GcNbro and his future wife. Nasty, nasty emails demanding I answer his bullet points.
Cue antidepressants. Cue blocking his email.
Few weeks passed.
All goes quiet.
Good.
Then-Cue WEDDING GASLIGHTING..
Mum called.
' He's getting married in a few months. This was always HIS plan.' She insisted. ' HIS idea to bring the wedding forward.
Do you understand, nanotech? '
Okay. I wasn't to take any credit for it, fine.
:roll:
And do you still realise what a terrible thing you did to them both?''
WTF? :blink: :blink
When she said that, I suppressed everything I had. Mum was dying. I can't make another 'mistake' or I'll get banned again. I told my heart not to pour out. I told my soul not to spill.
Wedding Fever.
Cue threats from GC bro about expected 'wedding etiquette'. During the meal, we would have to sit 'where we were told', and NOT MOVE.
My mum said , ' GCNbro can't have people moving about wherever they want.'
WTAF?
We would have to introduce people 'using surnames'.
What? Got told thiswas' Tradition'. Never heard of it!
Cue even more stupid messages through mum. On and on.
Cue BPD mum asking her own sister, my lovely auntie, not to bring her autistic grandchild to wedding. ( BPD mum was worried he might be noisy and disruptive and upset the golden child). Cue all of that side of the family (rightly in my view) NOT attending GC. bros wedding.
Cue GCNbro sulking, then visiting her town (two hour drive) to lay flowers on our grandmother's grave ( never happened before) and then to pointedly NOT visit auntie who lived five minutes away from the grave. He and mum made sure she found out she'd been snubbed.
Oh, the vitriol.
I then got threatened with a wedding ban for asking if I could sit with younger sis.
( Mum rang me to tell me to stop ' interfering' because I had upset GCbro)
Day of wedding.
No sleep the night before.
We got out of the car to nasty horrible glares from-bride's family. I hadn't even met these people before.
Bride and groom cold.
Me too I guess. I couldn't bring myself to kiss my brother on his wedding day. J don't think mum noticed.
Cue reception meal- Laughable. I was sitting so far back from top table that I was practically in the fire escape. I was the furthest away of anyone. BPd mum noticed the obvious snub, and asked GC bro He said it was a mistake. She accepted anything he said. I was miles away from little sis and not allowed to move. I was with hubby and daughter so we laughed and I kept my sensible head on. It's seems trivial, to complain about a seating arrangement, yet it's burned into my memory.
The father of the bride speech contained several digs at me- I kid you not.
When the disco started I was up dancing. cue hateful glares again. ( who would bother with so much hate on their wedding day?)
I'm not on the wedding video. There's hours of it, but I'm not on it.
And there we go.
Mum got her wish. Thanks to me, she saw her son get married, all without her having to speak to him and risk conflict (she was scared of him, he'd ruled the house from a young age )- and I got scapegoated.
They think the shame still hangs over me, but I'm not that person any more.
It's amazing to be out of that damn fog! I'm now ME.
:stars:
I was just in one for SIL. She was a control freak, she endlessly and painfully told us every detail of every little bow and glitter and stupid pointless things that noone will ever care for but she thought it was the most thought out magnificent ideas... Until she ate up all of her time trying to do this outlandishly custom wedding where she DIY'd and bragged about HOW MUCH MONEY SHE SAVED while making her entire wedding almost two hours late to start. She was yelling at everyone in the bridal suite that we weren't making our bouquets fast or pretty enough. She wanted to control EVERYTHING but ran out of time and rushed us all and stressed us out. I felt like I was about to have a full on panic attack with the level of stress in the room. Meanwhile my selfish NPD MIL got ready and didnt help lift a finger as usual, while everyone else frantically rushed around assembling flowers, napkins, gluing ribbons, making it all happen. MIL could be found smoking and drinking, just outfit looked like something a call girl would wear, waltzing around saying she was mother of the bride so she deserved a drink. Didnt offer any guests anything to drink. Didnt help watch her grandson, perusal, didn't even introduce her grandson to traveling family and friends who dont know him. People were outside, freezing for two hours, a cold front blew in and no one was expecting it. It was drizzling windy and nasty outside but the bride wanted it there so out we went. The music didnt play down the aisle. The ring bearer didnt walk. A bridesmaid fell over during the ceremony. The pictures took another God awful two hours. People were so hungry they had to serve the food before the bride could stop taking pictures, but she didn't care about the guests inside... We were freezing taking a million pics outside. After the pics, she demanded the whole wedding party into her bridal suite. It was almost 9 o'clock, no one in the wedding party had made it to the reception. The wedding was supposed to start at 5.... The bride demanded all of us bridesmaids to bustle her dress. We got 4 out of 5 buttons which looked fine, but she was having a meltdown and wanted it perfect so she demanded we stay and fix it without regard to her poor guests who have been waiting for hours. We finally got it after about 40 mins and by then guests were entering ther bridal suite begging her to get to the reception because the guests were so antsy and agitated. Finally at less than 2 hours left of the wedding, she gets into the reception.... It seemed like maybe half of the tables were empty. There was hardly any food left, the wedding party was starving and we had scraps left and were the only people left to eat because all the reception had already got their food. The music was lame. No one wanted to say a toast for these two, but that's ok. NPD SIL took it upon herself to grab the mic to hear herself talk and no one else said a word. After the reception ended, I got a good earful from MIL about how she had to pay for a bunch of the other girls make up and hair, plus her own daughters. She was mad because my family recommended this girl, SIL hired her, and no one paid there pay except me. My mom and aunt came to the wedding also, and I guess somehow they got involved with helping their friend get her the payment and MIL didn't appreciate their involvement.... Well I wasn't there, but if your daughter didnt pay the bill, or her friends didnt, that's not OUR problem I paid my part. My family was just trying to help get their friend paid and gone because she asked them to help. MIL hadn't paid for anything for the wedding besides her daughters dress, which she complained about the price regularly. I watched MIL sit back and let SILs fiance's family pay and do everything from rehearsal dinner to showers, to catering you name it. MIL came out very good paying almost nothing and not lifting a finger :sadno: It was embarrassing.. My mom came to watch the wedding and shortly after take my son home because SIL and MIL never help with him, and since it was DH family's side mom would just take him home when he got tired because we were all in the wedding and it was a late one. She was there to be supportive and MIL turned everything into her attacking her and pressuring her to pay. She ended up not tipping the poor hairdresser, who traveled more than 1 hour out to be there from 8 am to 8 PM she'd she even helped for free with flowers and ribbons etc. I was livid with SIL and MIL by the time it was all over. Even worse, SIL tried to call the hairdresser the next day and demand a refund because they paid "too much" Actually they didn't pay enough and she gave a discount... I was so mortified, I apologized profusely and tipped her for the trouble at a later time. Never helping them again! Oh and for all the stress and drama us girls didnt even get a thank you, not even your traditional BM gift or even a hand written note, something for all the blood sweat money and tears?! Ifelt so bad for her DHs sister, she did the most of all us and prob just felt like they were ungrateful...Yeah they're just clueless! :doh:
My NMiL wore a white lace dress to my wedding. My dress was a faint peach color and far more formal than hers, so I don't think it detracted at all, but it did seem like an odd choice.
I didn't feel comfortable with a lot of wedding reception traditions. I just wanted to throw a dinner party and have an open dance floor for all to enjoy. My MiL was just dying to show off her skills with one particular dance, so she insisted on a mother-son dance. For "balance," this required a father-daughter dance as well as a husband-wife dance at the reception. Neither my husband nor I knew any sort of ballroom dancing, and I was not comfortable with the awkward sway of an unchoreographed slow dance in front of our guests. I spent hours of my time and hundreds of dollars taking dance lessons so that my MiL could spend 3 minutes showing off her dance talent at the reception I paid for. I was so in the FOG at the time that it didn't even occur to me how silly it was to accommodate her in this way.
My PD ex husband invited all his friends (he had many many friends, I had like two) back to our house after the reception to hang out and continue the party. I was exhausted from the very long and intense day, and we were getting up very early the next morning for our honeymoon (a 7 day party cruise from his parents that we had no say on, but had to be very grateful for). Future exH just gave me a look as if he dared me to have a problem with dozens of people hanging out for hours on our wedding night.
I had purchased some beautiful lingerie and had sort of imagined/expected that future exH would be looking forward forward to seeing me in, and maybe removing in a sexy romantic way. But nope, he ignored me and hung out with his buddies, while my friend at the time helped me out of my bustier and into my comfy terrycloth bathrobe, which I proceeded to wear for the remainder of the night.
At some point, I went to bed by myself, and future exH came in and consummated the marriage—I was groggy and had to be up in a few hours, and really did not enjoy it one bit, but didn't want to start a fight.
Cut to the next night on the cruise ship, I was SO sleep deprived that I pleaded sea-sickness so I could be left alone, and he called me "frigid." Good times.
My golden child sister, with her histrionic behavior, stood in her receiving line. after her wedding, boisterously carrying on about how she forgot to take her birth control pill. She wouldn't shut up about it. The look of horror on her mother-in-law's face is forever etched in my mind. I was terribly embarrassed for myself and for my sister and her MIL. I'm pretty sure that was what cinched her MIL despising her from that day forward. :doh:
I'm just sending big hugs to everyone who has posted here.
Nightmare stories. :sadno: :blink: :sly: :aaauuugh:
I think we should all get together and have a massive huge amazing non PD Party 🥳 :fireworks: xxxxx
Older relative with N tendencies to at my brother's wedding. "I would have thought you would have had your makeup professionally done."
Had driven a few hundred miles the day before to be there. Couldn't really have arranged anything. Did in fact seek professional advice where I live. Wasn't a bridesmaid or anything decorative, although I did do a reading.
Asked by MIL if I " wasn't ashamed to be getting married at my age. " (early 40s for the first time for both of us. )
Discovered after the wedding that MIL had been telling my friends and slightly more distant relations that she had been widowed. She had in fact divorced my FIL for earning insufficient money and working too many hours. (And then remarried some time later - later than her early 40s. She had insisted we didn't invite her husband, who would not have come anyway.
I think MIL is undiagnosed N. Whether to the point of PD, I don't feel competent to say.
Some unbelievable stories.
At my wedding I had a small gift, a nice candy box for each guest. My NM was giving them out. My bridesmaid who was my best friend told me that NM said to her "do you deserve one?" :doh:
My brother started dating my bf after my wedding and they got married the next year. Sil eventually went nc because of NM & NF.
When my sister got married 7 years later, sil attended the wedding. When I walked in the church, she was sitting in the last row by herself. I asked her what she was doing there. I don't remember her answer, too long ago but I told her to move up closer.
Two more snippets - neither outrageous but both very ???! at the time.
Elderly relative asking me if my brother or uncle was going to "give me away". Was most puzzled that it was neither, but my own Dad, who has been my Dad all my life(and a very good one) and still married to my Mum. Relative doesn't like my dad that much and my Dad isn't her side of the family. (Also Dad definitely saw it as walking me down the aisle, on the grounds that no human can own another, so no-one can give another person away.) Same relative asking me, when I was summoned round to show the photographs a few weeks after, what I had said to my Mum "because I saw you speak to her after the service." Well yes, she's my Mum. It was probably something like "Is you hip feeling OK still?" but I couldn't remember exactly.