I got confirmation about 90 minutes ago that they served her at work. I know deep down it absolutely had to happen, but to be honest I feel pretty numb right now. I've heard nothing from her. I just know the process server said she refused to touch the papers and became defensive, claiming she already has a lawyer (which I seriously doubt). Even after all her terrible behavior towards me lately it seems this still caught her completely off guard. I just went to lunch by myself and walked around aimlessly for an hour after that.
I really had no choice based on her recent behavior, it came down to protecting myself.
In the last week she had:
- Tried to get the kids into therapy and exclude me from the process. She got very angry when I spoke with the counselor (at the counselor's request). I ended up signing the consent form for therapy, but the clinic decided not to continue with us (they advised we see a counselor that specializes in high conflict marriage). She didn't believe me and thinks I thwarted her efforts.
- Yesterday she emptied our bank accounts, supposedly to do some home improvements that I wanted to discuss further
- Yesterday she filed her taxes (married filing separately) and took all of our kids as her own deductions. I had no warning of this, and it will screw me to the tune of $5-$8,000.
- Last night she woke me at 3 AM to tell me about the taxes and taking the money. I woke up because the lights were on and she was standing over me like Cathy Bates in the movie Misery. Then she proceeded to go off on me, and warned me I'd better get on board with counseling for the kids.
- When I woke up at 6:00 I went upstairs (I sleep in the basement). She confronted me and told me to go back downstairs so I wouldn't wake the kids. Got in my face, wouldn't get out of my way so I could walk into the kitchen and make coffee, blocked my path several times. Grabbed me by the arm multiple times and warned me that I'd better go back downstairs. Eventually she left me alone after she realized she couldn't intimidate me.
Going back further, so much unhealthy behavior. Trying to turn the kids against me and isolating me from them. Locking me out of bank accounts. Smear campaigns galore. I couldn't believe anything she said anymore, it was nothing but lies and manipulation. It goes on and on.
Mostly right now I guess I'm sad about what our kids will go through in the immediate future. I'm sure things will eventually be fine, but it will be a long road and this will be really hard on them. They get out of school in about an hour and will find out then.
It's going to be a tough weekend. I'm going to stay in a hotel, after last night I can't fall asleep in that house again. If you have any words of encouragement I could use them right now.
I am so so sorry.
When i left my stbxh hs, i was also numb. I cried constantly for a good week. Couldnt think straight. Was devastated. You feel like youre having an out of body experience.
However, you will be able to sleep better than you have in years the next few days. It was XMAS, so i was able to not be disturbed by him for a bit. I was still in FOG at the time, and hoping to get back together-but my little inside voice whispered"you can be free of this pain if you never go back, like others have".
Imo, SLEEP. Eat. Hide and mourn, its ok. Give yourself some room service, some comfort of a walk outside and breathe. Things improve a little every week. Ignore things said, and watch things done.
I have a hand on your shoulder. It will get better for you and your kids. Im glad you already have a lawyer to take the punches for you.
Pushit-
I've been thinking about you for a while, and will continue to do so. I think you are right that the immediate future will be tough, but things will eventually be fine.
I'm proud of you, and smiling to myself at your courage. Thanks for being you, and for sharing. Keep us posted.
You will feel better. Once I filed and it was out in the open, I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Even though I was in constant turmoil and worrying about what stbx would do next (he was-is- fond of filing affidavits against me, letting the court know the infinitesimal ways he's been wronged by me :roll:). I had people who had no idea what was going on, tell me I looked 'lighter'. I was shocked. I had no idea.
Take care of yourself and you will start to feel better. Take care of yourself and you will be better equipped to help the kids deal with both the divorce and the PD behaviors.
We are here for you
:hug:
It's okay to feel numb or sad. You didn't sign up for any of this and it's one of the most painful things to go through. I mourned it like a death. A death of my dream of a loving spouse and happy family. Be extra vigilant as she sounds unstable. Try to never be alone with her. She might spiral and make false accusations of abuse etc and involve police. I've heard this happen to so many men. Instead protect yourself from her. And get advice from your lawyer. You did the right thing by getting the ball moving. I'm sorry for your pain. You have great support here. We know what you are going through. :bighug:
Tell your kids that this is an adult problem, and the adults will solve it. Everyone is going to be OK. Mom. Dad. The kids.
Let them know they aren't to worry about it. They have their own jobs... school, chores, and figuring out what their passions are.
That's it.
Remember to document well.. However you can. Consider hiring a good PI to help you document your wife's erratic, perhaps dangerous behavior. She shouldn't put her hands on you.
Good luck,
Thank you all so much. I'm too tired to respond to your posts individually but you all really touched me. Seriously, THANK YOU. I know it's OK to just sleep for awhile, re-gather myself and figure out what I'm doing tomorrow. Step by Step. One foot in front of the other.
The end result is today went really well. All my worries about her grabbing the kids and running off to do some crazy thing didn't happen. uPDw's mom came with her to pick the kids up from school, and they are at our house.
It was a tough afternoon. My lawyer (almost) guaranteed me that my phone would light up when she got served. Instead, it was the opposite. Radio Silence. I finally texted her a few hours later and wrote I'd like to tell the kids goodnight. She replied that it was a good idea and they would call me. I doubted that would happen, but lo and behold, at 6:30 my wife called me and it was my kids on the line. A few questions from them about where I was, simple responses from me about how we love them and mom and dad need to talk, and some joking around with us all calling each other turkeys (our usual teasing joke) and we were all fine. The weight of the world lifted off my shoulders because of that phone call. Just glad to hear them laughing.
Lots of tough days ahead, but this is the first step towards a better life. Step one Completed - Everyone is physically safe. Tough day behind us, now let's move forward.
So glad to hear all was calm. I know the anxiety you speak of just wanting your kids to be okay. And the relief you just want to cry happy tears. Always put your kids first. When faced when making the hardest decisions, do what is in their best interest. It will help you get some peace in the turmoil. Beware the calm before the storm with a pd. Never let your guard down. Wishing you calm waters ahead. And if a storm happens just steer straight head never losing direction of your beautiful children.
Quote from: Liftedfog on March 16, 2019, 11:22:47 AM
Beware the calm before the storm with a pd. Never let your guard down. Wishing you calm waters ahead. And if a storm happens just steer straight head never losing direction of your beautiful children.
Yep, this is where I'm at now. Yesterday went well, and things are calm for the moment. Just waiting for the storm to hit. I lived with her long enough to know her patterns, so I think I'll do fairly well in terms of not reacting. The lawyer and I are on the same page, we agreed the only predictable thing is that she'll do something unpredictable. Kids first. If they're okay then all is okay.
Remember to remain consistent regarding intentions.
PDs are good at getting you to represent yourself in erratic ways that get you dismissed by the courts and your L
PD might say...... if you drop the divorce NOW, I'll give you an uncontested divorce in a month, and so on. Every time we meet a demand/request we typically undermine our positions, and confidence in what we say we want, IME.
Always speak about stbx with compassion, esp to the children. Always stay focused on your goal... getting out of divorce court as quickly as you can.
Put together all your evidence then build your case around it.
Don't talk about the PD things you can't prove. Remember, the court wants everything to make sense, and square up. Tell a version of your story people can understand. People understand cheating, and abuse, and addiction... they don't understand PDs doing crazy things that sabotage their loved ones AND themselves. It doesn't make sense for people to DO nonsensical things..... AND it makes us look unhinged when we tell stories like that (if we can't provide evidence it really happened.)
Don't allow the PD to bait you into situations she can turn into false allegations. Consider recording all meetings IF you can do that legally in your State.
Thanks hhaw, I really appreciate your input. You clearly have experience and knowledge to share. All you said is duly noted! Evidence - Most! Definitely! I'm very fortunate to live in a one-party recording state. Thursday night's 3 AM wake up, and 6 AM confrontation were recorded. I listened to both last night, and there is no doubt who the abuser is. The 6 AM recording = 8 minutes of her telling me to stay in the basement in a very mean tone, and me telling her no - I won't be a prisoner, please stop blocking me, I just want to make coffee, and get your hands off me. The 3 AM recording = her waking me up and telling me she did a bunch of things behind my back, me asking how that is fair to me.
In fact, I've been recording every minute that I've been around the kids or stbx for the last six weeks. I started doing that as soon as I knew in my gut I had to get out. I also kept a journal every day of what happened. I also have documentation of several large issues from the past four years, and some audio and video of this. I have hours of audio gold in my pocket. Her yelling at the kids, manipulating me, you name it. The other fortunate thing for me is I'm in a no-fault, 50/50 state. I've been told by every attorney I interviewed that it's hard to get courts to move from 50/50 unless there is hard proof of something. She may accuse me of everything under the sun, but there's no proof because I'm not abusive. I have the evidence to back myself up, and swing opinions the other way.
I'll end this on a good (if not confusing) note. I have season tickets for the local college hockey team, tonight was the last game. My oldest (D8) loves going to the games with me. I texted stbx this morning and reminded her of the game, and set a time that I would like to pick up D8 to take her. She responded a couple hours later that that sounded good, and D8 wanted to go. I went to the house to pick D8 up, stayed outside the entire time. Stbx was very kind, made sure the younger two (D6, S3) came out to see me and had all the items I requested from her packed in bags waiting at the door (misc toiletries, nothing big, but she even put some things in that I hadn't requested and it was thoughtful of her). A very cordial exchange. LOL, I'm still on high alert, and wondered if cops would be there to pin me to the ground! D8 and I went to the game and had a blast. We get along great, lots of sarcastic humor back and forth and a lot of her cuddling with me and resting her head on my arm. It really made my day!
It also leads me to wonder about something - I know she is VERY concerned with public image. Is it possible that now that things are in the public eye (other people involved, lawyers, courts and such) that she will be on good behavior and not cause too much damage? Based on past behavior, she has always been an angel as soon as other people have a view into what's going on. It makes me curious about whether she would do anything crazy like call CPS on me, claim child abuse, etc. That sort of shatters her image of leading a perfect life, so I guess there is a possibility it may not happen. Still a lot to be seen......I'm not getting my hopes up yet but based on the laws in my state and the fact that she has no evidence of anything on me (because it never happened) I just might have a good outcome. Still preparing for the worst though!
I'm familiar with PDs pretending to behave well, for a while. I'm also familiar with their erratic, up and down behavior..... promises, followed by threats, and assaults.... stalking. Breaking your sleep patterns. Telling the children you don't want the family together, you're going to break it up, and that makes them so so so so sad, and they don't want the family to be broken up, they cry in front of the kids, and tell them things to wind them up, and make them angry at you.
I don't have any experience with abusers who feel true remorse, do the right thing, divorce without conflict, and take care of the children as their priority. I hope you keep the pressure up, and get the best possible outcome for you and your family.
Good luck,
Quote from: pushit on March 17, 2019, 12:19:47 AM
It also leads me to wonder about something - I know she is VERY concerned with public image. Is it possible that now that things are in the public eye (other people involved, lawyers, courts and such) that she will be on good behavior and not cause too much damage? Based on past behavior, she has always been an angel as soon as other people have a view into what's going on. It makes me curious about whether she would do anything crazy like call CPS on me, claim child abuse, etc. That sort of shatters her image of leading a perfect life, so I guess there is a possibility it may not happen. Still a lot to be seen......I'm not getting my hopes up yet but based on the laws in my state and the fact that she has no evidence of anything on me (because it never happened) I just might have a good outcome. Still preparing for the worst though!
My stbx is also very concerned with public image. As soon as I filed, he started ramping up "positive" behaviors and putting on a show for the court. He went from spending less than 5 minutes a night with the kids to hovering over them and following them around from room to room. My T likened this to an animal staking out its territory. He was on his best behavior - which was still dysfunctional. He declared he was going to be more involved and threatened to take over transporting the kids to their activities. There was no mistake about it - it was a clear threat, stated with his piercing glare, his other little 'tells,' and his deepest, firmest voice. He demanded to do this on an alternating weekly schedule. The kids were terrified- DD said she would quit all of her activities if he did this. They did not (and still don't) want him taking them to their activities.
While appearing to be cordial and cooperative, behind the scenes he was smearing me to anyone who would listen. He alienated me from my in-laws, with whom I'd been close to for 20 years.
Then he started filing affidavits against me. They were filled with nothing but smears and accusations. (Oh, and pages upon pages of himself smiling with the kids - FOTY.) He accused me of being a poor mother, an overly controlling mother who wouldn't let them grow up and do things for themselves (project much?), he accused me of watching my then 13 year old son shower in the mornings, even though he was already at work when we were going through our morning routine. He accused me of alienating the kids when I would get upset that he was two hours late bringing them home without notifying me. He would claim alienation each and every time I disagreed with him in front of the kids. I lived with him under the same roof for a year after I filed, so he had a lot to use "against" me. He would provoke and when I responded, it would turn up in another affidavit. I think he filed 6 or 7 against me, with no proof of anything. He also claimed, to the court, that I was mentally unbalanced and had "wobbly thinking." With zero proof - and the entire family underwent a psych evaluation, the only red flags that popped up were in his eval. I'm perfectly certifiably sane.
For Discovery, he's submitted even more photographs of himself with the kids - desperately trying to show he's a great, involved, loving dad. Most of this is in his mind - if he has photos of the kids smiling, that means they were always happy and therefore there was no abuse and I'm the crazy one for saying there was.
He told me, and acted like, he wanted a cooperative divorce. That we would be in this together and work for what was best for the kids. What he really meant was that he wanted to cooperate with me through this process as long as I did what he wanted and as long as I followed his rules.
I guess my only advice would be to expect the unexpected. I never saw any of this coming.
Your documentation will be invaluable. Her true colors will come out once she realizes you have it - stbx found parts of my journal and now is trying to use it against me in court. He actually submitted it as evidence against me (and used parts of it in at least two of his affidavits as his 'evidence'). His true colors.
One of the creepiest things my stbx did was beg for chances to prove he was trustworthy..... going to win me back, take me to Paris, and marry me again if I'd only..... (insert thing he needed me to do to weaken my case) and THEN he'd give me an uncontested divorce, and not destroy me.
Every little thing I gave in to cost me more than I could have imagined, adding time, trouble, and expense.... just a terrible expansion of legal problems.
There should be a plan, and a layer of protection between us and the PDs..... distance, emotional and physical. I really hated being terrorized, slowly in a sweet voice at times, into weakening my case, when all I wanted to do was the opposite.
Quiyw often pd people will refuse to admit the relationship is over for them and instead they will ramp up abuse until the non ends the marriage.
Often the pd is relieved that the non has taken on the bad guy mantle of wanting divorse and they actually calm down.
I hope this is the case for you and that your pdh will allow things to proceed more smoothly now as she finds her way toward what was her plan for sometime now.
That she had taken the money and screwed you on the taxes before even being served is very telling. My guess is you were stopped from coming upstairs to give someone or something time to happen. Quite often the insta-fights are distractions or stalls to allow more time etc.
Hi all, just wanted to check in and let you know that the kids and I are doing fine. I was able to spend yesterday afternoon and evening with them and we had a blast. They wouldn't stop hugging me at the door when I dropped them off, which felt really good. I think we'll be okay in the long run, just gotta get past a short term issue of her trying to keep the kids away from me.
Also wanted to let you all know that I'm going to stay quiet on here for a while. I have no idea what's in store for me in the next year, or what she will try to pull. It's probably best to stay discrete on public forums (even if they're anonymous) for a bit.
Thanks for all your support, and I'll keep checking in just won't be sharing much info. I'll surely continue to read other peoples' stories and enter those discussions, as knowing I'm not alone helps retain my sanity!
Pushit,
Glad you were able to get out, this is what is best for you and your kids.
Things will get better slowly, you will start to feel more like yourself again.
The behavior you describe is similar to my exBPDw.
When I left, the first weeks were scary, high adrenaline as exBPDw was desperate and out of control.
I felt much better right away, but the fatigue, anxiety and brain fog persisted for about 6 months. I could sleep for 10 to 12 hours on the weekends, I couldn't drag out of bed in the morning.
Hhaw is right, don't give an inch if you don't have to.
In every situation that I have extended goodwill, exBPDw has turned it around and used it against me.
There is nothing to be gained from being kind or giving to these people.
They only take, they are entitled.
Dear Pushit,
Am sorry to hear about your situation and well done for looking after the children. Cannot imagine what that must be like.
Will keep fingers crossed that divorce proceedings go as smoothly as possibly and that children are put in the best situation possible for a healthy upbringing.
Had mine served on 2/19/19, and am praying for a swift resolution.
Good luck and take care.
pushit,
Things moved quite fast in your situation and so sorry. I think there are a lot of divorces that start between the holidays and tax time. :blink:
....on the tax thing but you can protest it I think if you want- talk to your attorney or CPA. I know one year my now exH's exBPDW claimed a child she wasn't supposed to so we filed by mail and got the child back on our taxes and she got her taxes adjusted.
Take the time you need and we'll be here.
Latchkey
Hi all - Just checking in. Things got crazy at the end of this week, but nothing to the level I feared. Mainly baseless accusations that were out of left field and easily defended against. But wow... :stars:
The most important thing is the kids are doing okay. Mom is keeping them from me as best as she can, but we're working on that. My attorney has done a great job of being assertive so far. The tough part right now is I'm in a hotel and she is in the marital house so I don't have suitable accommodations for kids (according to the law), thus giving her a temporary advantage. Moving fast to fix that at the moment. The good part is my kids are in good spirits, and seem to love every minute they have with me, so I am less worried about them and parental alienation in the long run than I was before. Miles and miles to go though....
Just gonna keep moving. Today, tomorrow and the next....
Best of luck to you all and stay strong!
Push it, you are one courageous person. I can imagine how hard all this has been, but you've gotten through step one and two — getting yourself out of the home-based abuse and formally starting the abuse process.
I know it must be lousy staying in a hotel, but at least you won't have Cathy Bates standing over you in the middle of the night — or go to sleep at night worried about that. Can you get a small apartment where you can make a foothold on creating a safe space for yourself and your kids? If they can come and visit you, see that you are safe, and experience a home where they can be themselves without the constant control of the PD parent, well that's huge — no matter how barebones your place may be at first.
My advice: Keep documenting and make sure your lawyer knows your ex will do anything — even things that make no sense and may be counter to her own best interests. Lawyers know the law, not psychology, and you have to educate even the best ones on this.
You are doing great! Hang in there. I'm rooting for you!
Thanks for your kind words, I appreciate that!
I rented a 4 BR house, lease starts today. Moving in tomorrow. I'm very lucky to have family close and they've been very supportive. Between us all we've figured out how to furnish it, so I don't have to buy much. I feel that I'm extremely lucky in that I have support and adequate finances to make this work. I really feel for people that don't have the resources I have and are dealing with PD abuse, if I didn't have a solid exit route this would be extremely tough.
My lawyer has a bachelors in psychology and used to deal with abusive situations, I think he worked for a government agency before going to law school. So, he gets it.
Congratulations on renting the house! Sounds like you are working with all burners. Fingers crossed for you!
You're truly fortunate, pushit. Particularly to have such an informed, and hopefully competent L.
It sounds like the kids will roll right into a comfortable living situation with you.
I hope you can start some new rituals all your own. Maybe some new recipes around the holidays. Letting the kids bake their own birthday cakes, with everyone else helping. Brunch traditions, etc.
They grow up fast. These days will be gone before you know it, so really look the kids in the eye, and be present with them.
Maybe start a notebook about the kids, what you do with them, what they say..... my kids say the funniest things, and I'd have forgotten most of them if I didn't write them down. The kids enjoy reading over them together, and going through their baby books, and mementos every once in a while. It's meaningful to them.
I'm sure your kids will have interests that give you ideas: )
openskyblue - Thanks again for your support, it means a lot. Yes - Working fast and furious to equalize the situation, things are looking very good at this point. The kids are the focus here, and getting them into a stable house is paramount.
Hhaw - You're right, no doubt I'm fortunate. When this is all over I want to find a way to help people that are living in abusive situations. I've never experienced this before and it has been a HUGE eye-opener. It's so scary how this stuff happens right in front of all of us, but people don't see it.
The kids are doing great. I had a fantastic day with them today. We went to my new house, they picked their bedrooms, and loved the basement with a pool table and a stage for them to do performances! (They love doing plays and singing, so it's a perfect fit) I'm going to dress it up with some lighting and fun things. After they saw the house, we went shopping and I let them pick out all the stuff they wanted to decorate their bedrooms and the upstairs bathroom. It was all fun.
One great note from today - I told my kids that I'd be sleeping in the new house tomorrow night, and mom and I need to figure out when they will stay with me/her. My oldest said - "Awww, I want to sleep there tomorrow night!" That felt so good to hear! Man, I love them.
Traditions - I totally hear you on this. So many great ideas were smothered by my stbx while we were married. I never felt like I was allowed to be the dad I want to be, and the kids haven't been allowed to be who they are. That's really what I want now, just for us to be allowed to be who we are, without everything decided for us. The kids and I get along so well, and when we have time together in our house we will be able to create all our own memories and decide things for ourselves. I like the ideas you gave me, so if you have any more keep them coming.
Thanks all, and my best wishes to you.
Hi all - Just checking in again. Things are actually going very well, compared to all that I had feared. Won't go into too many details, but after I moved into my house the tables turned big time. Some serious missteps on her side, and the kids have been with me for a week now and will be with me for another 4 days. Our attorneys agreed the kids would be with me during this time and she would request no parenting time. In 4 days we will begin a 50/50 parenting schedule.
I'm sure there are still storms to come, as there have been many accusations leveled at me but they've been ridiculous (and untrue) so far and the accusations have backfired on her. I'm sure she's reloading, but with everything she's done so far her credibility is already damaged.
The kids and I are doing really well. I can tell this is hard on them, as tears start flowing at the slightest altercation while they're playing with each other. Trying to be very gentle with them right now, but still setting some healthy boundaries for them in my new house.
Some new things that are going very well:
Morning routine - They wake up 45 minutes before we leave for school, we listen to their choice of music and have breakfast, get dressed and ready. They have time to be a little goofy and don't have to rush. We've been leaving the house smiling and laughing. Big difference from being awakened 10 minutes before they leave and hearing constant shouting of "hurry up!" from a frenzied stbx. (I certainly won't miss those mornings)
Driving to school - They love music and singing along, I've had nonstop requests for certain songs in the car and we sing our way to school. Big difference from being put in the car half dressed and crying.
Tonight we started a Friday night tradition: Make your own pizzas and watch a movie together. It was a blast. More traditions to come.
In general - It's just way more calm in this house. I know it will take awhile and none of us are used to the "new normal" yet, but I can already tell the kids will be more relaxed when they are here.
One thing I know - Man, I'm exhausted!! Acting as a single dad for a week, making lunches, figuring out their after school activities, scheduling after school care, juggling my work, moving into a new house, can't take any furniture from the marital house so I had to buy stuff, dealing with a divorce and attacks from stbx and her attorney. All this with very little cooperation from stbx. She packed our house up completely without my knowledge so I had no clothes for the kids, no backpacks, etc. Had to go buy all this stuff. I still don't know where half our belongings are, last time I was in the house all shelves were bare and there were 50+ boxes packed. Still need to sort that out, but it's small potatoes now. She dropped everything last weekend. The kids weren't signed up for any after school care, and all the communication to the schools came from me as far as I know. But, that should all look good for me in the future.
Again, I'm so thankful for: 1. All of you for listening 2. My family that went above and beyond to help buy things, help financially, loan/give me furniture, drop everything to help this week 3. My work for being understanding 4. The kids' schools for being understanding. 5. Last, but not least, my attorney who has been VERY good so far.
We're really in pretty good shape and things could be a lot worse. This is a trip through hell, but you gotta look around and be thankful for what you have. Stay strong my friends!!!
I'm so glad to hear you and the kids are happy and relaxed, and creating new traditions. Way to go!
It is exhausting, I can completely relate. I was essentially a single mom while married to stbx, so the transition wasn't that different for me or the kids, since they were used to me doing everything for/with them anyways. What is exhausting is doing all of this on top of having to deal with the emotional abuse coming from stbx's L and through the court (via affidavits, etc). He just won't stop. It's always something he claims I'm not doing, or should have done, or should not have done 5 years ago when...
It's been two years of this nonsense (I've only been out of the house for a year). I'm done. I have created peace, relaxation, and a safe space for the kids. He can't take that away. But having to deal with his narc injury and trying not to let it penetrate my new world is tiring. On the days I don't have the kids, instead of getting things straightened out, organized, unpacked, I literally collapse on the couch with the cat and sleep.
It will get better. I know it will. I love your positive attitude! You are doing great things for your kids.
It sounds like you and your kids are already benefitting from this separation from your stbx. The comparison of the morning routines you wrote was pretty diagnostic of the difference between a PD-run family and a nonPD-run one. I'm betting it will not be long before your kids want to spend the bulk of their time with you.
Hang in there, single dad! You are doing better than great.
I don't understand what stbx DID with all the house.... stuff.
The kids backpacks. The clothes. THe stuff on the shelves.
And.... I'm so curious. I must know.
WHAT did the stbx DO that surprised you? What did she accuse you of....
::sigh::.
Never mind.
I will content myself to know you're doing well with kiddos, and holding your own.
Having a good attorney is HUGE, IME.
You sound so.much less stressed, perhaps more rested? Thats such a wonderful thing for all of you.
It is amazing when you get away isn't it? How fearful we are of the unknown. I am cheering for you!
Hi all - Just wanted to give a quick update. We're rolling fairly smooth here. I'm certainly enjoying my own house, and when the kids are with me it's peaceful beyond belief for all of us. We're doing 50/50 time right now, but no court orders set yet.
Simple, normal, healthy adjustments. No unpredictable "rules" about what they're/we're supposed to be doing......nah, if you want to play by yourself or go read a book in your room you can feel free to do that. We don't have to all be together or love all the same things at the same time. They love it!
Getting them used to some new boundaries though. If you make a mess.....you need to clean it up before your next project. In the past it was do whatever you want, then expect mom to clean it up for you and the guilt trips would come from mom. Now, it's ok to make a mess but it needs to be cleaned up and put away before the next project gets started. Honestly, they're great kids and I just need to reinforce some of the basics they learn at school so it's all good.
Some observations:
- My son: Watched him play with action figures in the basement by himself, showing his introverted side. Seemed very natural, he was cruising along, staging scenarios, just having fun by himself. I was very much that way as a child, it's interesting to see that come out now in him. I hadn't seen that before.
- My girls: On the way to Saturday ballet this morning, much joking around and smiling. Singing loudly to the music in the car and laughing along with each other. Much different than seeing my 6 year old hide from mom when it was time to go to ballet two months ago.
- In general: The kids are doing great when they're with me. It's a huge weight off my shoulders to see that they're so relaxed in my house and with the routine I've set for them. I have no idea about when they're with mom, but that's out of my control. I hope mom's doing well and they're all happy during those times.
Hopefully things only continue to get better.
Hhaw - In response to your questions: Oh my friend, I want to share all the crazy stuff I've seen so far with you. I know you want to know, and it's good stuff, but I need to wait until everything is settled. I just don't want to share too much on a public forum. When it's it's finalized I'd be happy to share the craziness with everyone.
Great job, pushit! Your kids will never forget that you created a safe, stable place for them where they are free to express themselves and discover who they really are.
Thanks so much for sharing those views into your new home life. Just warms my heart!
Sometimes I think we don't realize just what a gift it is to give kids a stable, supportive home. It's golden stuff, medicine. It really sounds like you and your kids are finding your way together into the family you need and deserve. Doesn't get better than that. Bravo, pushit!
Hi Everyone! I realized it's been A WHILE, so I owe you an update! :)
Most importantly, the kids are doing GREAT. They've really settled into themselves at my house. So much great behavior that I never saw before - today the kids played outside: invented games, played in the dirt and got dirty for a couple hours, then had a blast in the bath tub for an hour. I can see how free they feel - there are boundaries at my house for sure, but the boundaries are predictable and they have the ability to be themselves like they hadn't experienced before. They have a ton of fun here and they know they are loved.
Myself - Man, lots of changes in me so far. I'm healing, and have a long way to go. I've noticed my behavior towards the kids has changed in the last month. A month ago I could snap and tell them not to do something, and now I've realized that was my old fear that SHE was going to walk in the door and think WE were doing something wrong (to be blamed on ME). It was the fear of that infinitely unpredictable confrontation. Like today, the kids were playing in the dirt and spraying water, I was able to smile and remember that I used to get dirty as a kid. While we were all living together, that would have been totally unacceptable and if she saw that all hell would have broken loose. >:( Now, what the heck? 8-) They were being so curious and just having fun. So yeah, I let 'em do it until the fun ran out and then offered up a bath to get cleaned up. They took the offer, played in the tub for an hour and then got ready to go to out to dinner with my family.
Bottom line on that - I think I'm finally releasing some of the stress of living with her. I really feel like I'm starting to be able to be the dad I know I am. It's a great feeling, and just in the last 6-8 weeks my relationship with my kids has improved.
Regarding the divorce - Yeah, it's/she's a pain. She has been a master of stalling/manipulation/control/whatever you want to call it. I'm $10k in, and nothing in writing yet. But, Good Lord, I've gotten so much peace so far. Looking back - to her isolating the kids from me, scolding and screaming at me like I'm a child in front of the kids, marginalizing me as a human, trying to forcefully shove me back into the basement of my own home. :stars: That was so ugly, and I can't believe I lived like that. Now - only email and text messages of her trying to control things "politely", subtle manipulation that I'll gladly show the courts if that time comes. She's still very manipulative, but it's under control. I can receive her messages and respond in due time. My lawyer has things under control, and I think it's just a game of time until it's all in writing (hopefully).
I now have the kids 50% of the time, they love being with me, and she can't control what we do. Now, things are out in the real world and she is way more "cooperative" than before. It ain't over, but it's amazing how well PDs will behave when it's out in the public eye.
Stay strong my friends, and thanks for your support.
I think an early Happy Father's Day is in order! Con gratulations on your progress and journey ahead.
This is an inspiration! What a difficult but ever climbing path you have been on.
Wow! Pushit, I'm full of admiration for you over here. Talk about braving the storm and coming out the other side.
Very happy for you and your kids!
PI:
I really love reading about your time with the kids. Just letting them play, and get dirty in nature.... YES!
Have you figured out how the kids will spend their summer? Do you have childcare in place for your time yet?
We always did a check in at bedtime.... one on one.... what was the the thorn in your day... what was the rose?
I know I missed being present during the divorce with my kids. I wish I'd have looked them in the eye, really looked, and connected deeply more often. I have a journal of things they did and said. You might want to write some of them down, bc the really cute stuff is hard to remember, IME.
I'm glad you have extended family close by, supporting you.
That's terrific.