Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships => Topic started by: Associate of Daniel on April 08, 2019, 06:35:22 PM

Title: Is this enough?
Post by: Associate of Daniel on April 08, 2019, 06:35:22 PM
UNPD exH stormed out of a mediation session, slamming the door.

The mediator immediately terminated the session and closed the file.

He later issued a certificate that under x clause of y Act (the bit that deals with safety of the parties), he recommends that mediation not continue.

Another mediator confirmed with me later by phone that they (the mediation company - a government one at that) would no longer work with us because of uNPD exH's behaviour.

What will this result in in court and/or with the court appointed psychologist?

Is it enough or am I going to have to drag out the other stuff from years ago that no one witnessed but me, and that therefore cannot be proved?

UNPD exH is trying for custody.

Title: Re: Is this enough?
Post by: athene1399 on April 08, 2019, 06:40:30 PM
I really don't know, AoD. I would think it cannot look good for uNPDxH. I really do not know what would come next, but I really hope this helps prove your case: that he is unstable and therefor should not take custody away from you. Sorry I could not offer any advice. I know you are going through a lot right now.
Title: Re: Is this enough?
Post by: Associate of Daniel on April 08, 2019, 06:56:39 PM
Thanks, Athene.

The frustrating thing is that it all comes down to "he said/she said" and no proof.

So both of us could make wild accusations that may or may not be true and no one can know the truth.

And a lot of it sounds petty. "He was mean to me. He took my lolly (he took an hour of my time with ds each week without asking or reciprocating)."  Etc.

Title: Re: Is this enough?
Post by: athene1399 on April 08, 2019, 06:59:20 PM
I know exactly what you mean. It is so hard to prove emotional abuse and manipulation.  But you can now prove he stormed out on a mediator and slammed the door. Maybe even note what made him so mad. I think you could use this as evidence in your favor at the very least.
Title: Re: Is this enough?
Post by: Penny Lane on April 08, 2019, 07:37:38 PM
AOD, it seems to me that you have more than just that. You don't have to prove necessarily that he's angry and violent, right? Just that he shouldn't have custody or more time with your DS?

If that's what you're trying to prove I think you have mountains of evidence of your ex refusing to participate in schooling, refusing to include you on extracurriculars and otherwise, ceding the parenting time he does have (didn't he give up like a whole month at the beginning of this year?), having his wife parent rather than himself, refusing to follow the terms of the order, refusing to pay his fair share...

All those, to me, seem like they would paint a picture of someone who isn't ready to be the primary parent. And those are his actual words, that he said to you.

What I found when DH was in court was that it was more helpful to focus on the provably bad things that BM had done, rather than the most egregious things she had done that he couldn't prove.
Title: Re: Is this enough?
Post by: Rose1 on April 10, 2019, 08:23:18 AM
I also wonder sometimes if we should take a leaf out of the pd book and play the delay game. If you can delay the school firms up, son grows up, starts to want to spend time with peers, resents being played etc. Pds can delay this for years and We faithfully turn up on time to our detriment
Title: Re: Is this enough?
Post by: Associate of Daniel on April 12, 2019, 08:37:54 PM
Thanks, Everyone.

Penny Lane, your list is very helpful.  I'm working with it in my preparation for the court psychologist. So thanks!

Rose, (thanks for your pm, btw.), my uNPD exH is already delaying by taking me to court.  It takes months (12+?) to get to court.  So ds may still be at his current school for year 7. After year 7 it's really hard to get kids into state schools. And uNPD exH is against private schools.

It's like he's cutting off his nose to spite his face.

Title: Re: Is this enough?
Post by: Rose1 on April 12, 2019, 09:21:49 PM
Maybe he will have gotten a job by then. Big upheaval in family courts coming.🙂
Title: Re: Is this enough?
Post by: Penny Lane on April 15, 2019, 01:29:05 PM
So glad it was helpful! Good luck, I hope the court psychologist sees what's going on.
Title: Re: Is this enough?
Post by: athene1399 on April 16, 2019, 04:56:57 PM
me too.
Title: Re: Is this enough?
Post by: turtlemama on April 27, 2019, 10:12:02 AM

In my state, custody was based on "best interest of the child".  It is actually part of a document online listing the 11 or so items (for example, was child support always paid, was there domestic violence, was there ever child abuse, what is the proximity of the parents, what does the child want (if they are old enough), then there were the more subjective items like, do the parents get along, do the parents foster love between child and other parent).  So, even though I felt like I had lots of evidence detailing exuNPD's abuse, it ended up falling under only one or two items on the final decision by the judge (it was also in the GAL report).
However, exuNPD's behavior at court actually did weigh into the equation, because the judge noted that yes, domestic abuse against the wife can and often does get overlooked by the court if the father pledges that he will be better after the divorce however, since exuNPD's behavior was so awful at court, the judge basically ruled that he was impossible to deal with and joint custody would not work.

I don't know if your country has something similar, but it may ease your mind to make an outline along these lines.  (You can find these lists online easily).  It will help organize your thoughts and then you can see what evidence you actually have.  Under parent's proximity you would list the distance and time between you and ex, how DS always has gone to school near you and your work schedule is based around this, how the days DS comes back he is tired, his friend base is around your house, etc.  That because of the distance between you and ex 50/50 will not work.

It is sad to think that custody is based off of some equation but the courts need a starting point...
Title: Re: Is this enough?
Post by: hhaw on May 02, 2019, 11:51:48 PM
In one Agreement, the Judge noted that good people can be good people on their own, but toxic when dealing with each other, and in that case, detrimental to the children's wellbeing. 

Joint custody, between people who can't get along at all, ever.... like a PD who can't hold his cool in a simple meeting with a professional mediator, or at trial..... and God forbid the parent who slams their way out of a room, when they don't get their way with other adults, get full custody of children where they'll have complete control, behind closed doors.


Hopefully the PD will show the Judge who he is, just as he showed the mediator.  THAT will be your case, IME.  I can't imagine he'll be able to control himself.

You don't want to bring up crazy past PD behaviors you have no proof of.  You want to state a case that makes sense.... things that are common, rather than focus on the crazy PD conduct.  Judges understand adult conflict, particularly conflict the children are witness to.

Honestly, it sounds like your stbx will show this Judge who he is.