Out of the FOG

The Other Sides of Us => Working on Us => Topic started by: athene1399 on May 17, 2019, 09:06:13 AM

Title: Radical Acceptance
Post by: athene1399 on May 17, 2019, 09:06:13 AM
I recently thought I was doing radical acceptance wrong since I became upset about something a PD in my life did. This caused me to read up more on radical acceptance. What I found out helped me, so I wanted to share in case it can help others.

The first thing I learned was that we can move in and out of radical acceptance. Often, this is expected. It is difficult to accept everything at all times.  We just have to learn to notice when we have stopped accepting and remind ourselves to stop fighting it and accept reality again. Also, we should be self-compassionate if we do move in and out of acceptance.

The next thing was that you still feel emotions even when you radically accepting something. I thought acceptance meant you were cool with whatever was going on and it didn't bother you. Actually, once you accept something, it is natural to be sad that this is how it is or to grieve because things are not different. Once we move through those emotions, calmness should follow.

Involving the whole self (body included) can help with the radical acceptance. What I read said to have your palms facing upwards and/or to turn up the corners of your mouth into a half-smile. Using mindfulness techniques can also help calm your body. Walking helps for me. And actually sometimes going on a cleaning spree.

Here's a helpful worksheet I found that describes Radical Acceptance, what can block it, why we should try it out, and how to do it.
 https://themighty.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Radical-Acceptance-DBT.pdf  (https://themighty.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Radical-Acceptance-DBT.pdf)

Title: Re: Radical Acceptance
Post by: Bloomie on May 20, 2019, 11:46:46 AM
athene1399 - What a helpful post. The worksheet is a clear visual is logical and emotionally neutral making it easier to digest imv. Thank you for sharing!

The reminder to have compassion for ourselves and to continue to develop mindfulness as we move through emotions that naturally flow as we accept a painful reality is a timely one for me. It is often a steep path - this work of accepting what we cannot change, changing what we can, and growing in wisdom that helps us know the difference.

Title: Re: Radical Acceptance
Post by: Penny Lane on May 20, 2019, 01:34:07 PM
Thanks for this! You know I've made radical acceptance my mission this year. I especially like the step by step in how to implement them and the reminder that backsliding is OK.
Title: Re: Radical Acceptance
Post by: capybara on May 23, 2019, 12:24:12 PM
Thanks for this post! Our couples counsellor gave me the first page of this but I find the second more helpful.

I really struggle with the tension between trying to practice radical acceptance, trying to be more aware of manipulative/controlling/difficult behaviours from the PDs in my life, and trying to assert myself more and better. It's so hard!

For example: I've been struggling with how draining I find my marriage to be, even though it's improving. It's been hard to put in words what behaviours of my BPDh are so hard for me. Then I realized this morning that a big one is that so many of his responses are negative - e.g. just this morning, negative talk about a friend of our child who acted thoughtlessly, about something the friend's mother did that I had completely forgotten, about whether our child is taking his medication, about people at work, about my suggestion that we go out for dinner, and about how I would react to him in the future. It is a lot! And as I become more aware, I get angry.

I guess the radical acceptance part is that this *is* reality, and at least now I can choose whether to raise it in couples counseling, let it go, or try to find a different approach.
Title: Re: Radical Acceptance
Post by: athene1399 on May 24, 2019, 09:09:16 AM
Exactly, Capybara! It's about accepting that we cannot control others. in regards to people suffering from PDs, they may not have the tools, wants, or good enough Ts to srt through their inner-dialogue and change their outward behaviors. In that case, we have to accept that they will act they way they have been acting and there's not much we can do about it. But I also don't want it to sound like we are giving them a free pass to act however. But radical acceptance is a choice and sometimes having a choice  and realizing that we have a choice makes us feel better, too.

And to go back to your example, sometimes when we first come OOF we see all these things/behaviors in the PD in our life that we never realized were  unfair to us. Then once we start realizing that not every lives in fear of the PD rage or has to live with the negativity, we start to get a little mad. We start wondering "why does so and so have to be like this?" And "why does that someone have to be like that to/around me?"

In the end, feeling we have a choice, even if it's deciding to choose radical acceptance, leads us to feel less hopeless and more in control. And I felt relief learning that it's acceptable to move in and out of acceptance as new things crop up, as she struggle with accepting different scenarios. It can be difficult, but we are in this together. :) I appreciate every on this site so much!   
Title: Re: Radical Acceptance
Post by: capybara on May 24, 2019, 11:31:19 AM
Thanks, Athene! I appreciate everyone on this site too. It's so good to feel that others understand!
Title: Re: Radical Acceptance
Post by: Fightsong on May 30, 2019, 08:55:00 AM
Oh I really like that. Really like it.  Thanks.