Hi everyone,
I've been advised by IDVA to get a non-molestation order against my ex due to him continuously trying to guilt trip and manipulate me about contact with our daughter... has anybody done this? Did it help? And why do I feel so guilty about considering one when my ex's family won't stop with the guilt tripping ...
Hi Anonymous,
In my experience court can help in some ways but in other ways it can be unhelpful or even escalate things.
What are you hoping to accomplish with this? Is it that he not talk to you? Would the same thing be accomplished by blocking his phone or setting strong boundaries with him, and is that feasible for you?
Are you worried he might escalate to violence and if so would a molestation order protect you in some way? It's not a magical force field. But maybe police would give more credence if you had to call them.
Only you can decide if it's right for you, and there are definite pros and cons. A domestic violence center or hotline might be able to talk you through those pros and cons and the specific rules in your jurisdiction.
Hope this helps, what a hard choice you're facing.
Quote from: Penny Lane on June 09, 2019, 04:13:06 PM
Hi Anonymous,
In my experience court can help in some ways but in other ways it can be unhelpful or even escalate things.
What are you hoping to accomplish with this? Is it that he not talk to you? Would the same thing be accomplished by blocking his phone or setting strong boundaries with him, and is that feasible for you?
Are you worried he might escalate to violence and if so would a molestation order protect you in some way? It's not a magical force field. But maybe police would give more credence if you had to call them.
Only you can decide if it's right for you, and there are definite pros and cons. A domestic violence center or hotline might be able to talk you through those pros and cons and the specific rules in your jurisdiction.
Hope this helps, what a hard choice you're facing.
Hello ! Thankyou so much for your reply! The reason that I want the non molestation order is because he has supervised contact at my family members house and continues to taunt me. He does things like comes upstairs (where I'm in the bedroom away from him) and says things about me knowing I can hear, also telling me family member I should go downstairs and ask myself when they ask if my daughter needs feeding...
I know these things sound small but it makes me feel so small and intimidated..
I do fear it would escalate to violence but I'm unsure wether that is because I'm extremely anxious recently...
I am scared that court could also anger him and make things a whole lot worse.
I'm just so stuck in this horrible situation and feel like I'm never going to be out of it.
I live alone and if I hear one sound i think he's going to come through my door :(
Perhaps your arrangement was a good stopgap but to be honest I wondered how you were going to tolerate it long term. He is using every opportunity to intimidate. In my experience people with pd do not appreciate kindnesses and accommodation of their wants and tend to see them as a sign of weakness.
Maybe you can start to think about a longer term arrangement that works for you (instead of what works for his desire to wind you up). Take your time, speak to a lawyer, consult here etc. Perhaps the answer is something like supervised visits not at your home for an hour or so, in keeping with your child's needs, or for him to seek anger management and parenting help.
I know we are often made to feel responsible for the pds relationship with their children but we aren't. If your ex wants a meaningful relationship with his child instead of an opportunity to wind you up then he can start working on himself instead of you handing him visits on a silver platter.
This is a long term situation and you need something that will work long-term. Him in your house is not likely a good solution for you as your body is already telling you.
Dont fall for his guilt trips. We are all responsible for making our own relationships.
Perhaps the effort you put into obtaining a non harrasment order which cannot be enforced might be better spent sorting out a longer term solution. Either way he will be angry because imo its more about harassment than building a relationship with his child.
When this is fresh we tend to forget that we need to be strategic rather than succumb to their fog. That is appeasement and rarely works.
Its fine short term while you are gathering strength but a disaster long term.
Sorry I don't know all the details but can you arrange not to be in the same house during the access visits?