Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Separating & Divorcing => Topic started by: mrstring on June 14, 2019, 04:33:13 PM

Title: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on June 14, 2019, 04:33:13 PM
As some here now that I decided to pay off the car and gift it to her. Financially it stinks but I have peace of mind. Today I got a text from my ex's oldest son, he was looking for the car Vin and lic plates. I called him to see what happened. We are on good terms now so it's cool. Apparently she drove the car off the road because two tires exploded. Since I transferred liability to her I am not liable. He told me her mental health has continued to get worse, added to that she is back on the drugs so he took her to the psychiatric ward where they kept her for a few days. The thing I get out of it is that NO ONE can help them, I gifted the car and now probably neither will have it now. I am at peace with that. Her kids offered her help, she kept getting worse and worse and made it impossible for anyone to be around. I know some of you are thinking that maybe if I am nice enough or give enough I can convince them that I am a good person or that things will get better. I don't think it ever will unless they seek out help themselves.

It is sad she is homeless now, not on the streets but without a car, who knows now. Part of me is sad that someone who I did care about has deteriorated to this point. I am in a far better place and don't feel responsible for her anymore but it's a tough life lesson all those years I have wasted naively thinking things would improve and if I did enough she would get better or stand up on her own two feet.

Thanks for letting me vent.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: bohemian butterfly on June 14, 2019, 05:32:20 PM
Part of me is sad that someone who I did care about has deteriorated to this point. I am in a far better place and don't feel responsible for her anymore but it's a tough life lesson all those years I have wasted naively thinking things would improve and if I did enough she would get better or stand up on her own two feet.

Mrstring,

Thank you for posting.  I am so glad that you got out, that you are at peace and are no longer in a toxic relationship.  You are right, you aren't responsible for her.  Just think, she may have taken you down with her if you hadn't left.  Thank you for being brave and strong.  You give me hope.  Take care.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on June 14, 2019, 06:43:42 PM
Thank you for the kind words. I don't feel strong, I just feel like I survived. I was with her for 14 years but should have cut my loses years ago.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: pushit on June 15, 2019, 03:21:38 AM
Just wanted to write that I support you 100%.  We're all responsible for our own behavior, and nobody should have to constantly fix another's self-created problems.  I remember reading about the car dilemma awhile back, it sounds like you found a good solution.  It was a good solution for both of you, unfortunately she messed it up but it's not your problem to fix now.

Stay strong, friend.

Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on June 18, 2019, 03:20:42 PM
Just wanted to write that I support you 100%.  We're all responsible for our own behavior, and nobody should have to constantly fix another's self-created problems.  I remember reading about the car dilemma awhile back, it sounds like you found a good solution.  It was a good solution for both of you, unfortunately she messed it up but it's not your problem to fix now.

Stay strong, friend.

Thank you. It was very very hard to do, not fixing the situation.

On a positive note her daughter texted me on Father's day, saying that she loves me and how much she appreciated me during those 14 years. It was very touching and kind of validating.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: bohemian butterfly on June 18, 2019, 03:53:31 PM
Just wanted to write that I support you 100%.  We're all responsible for our own behavior, and nobody should have to constantly fix another's self-created problems.  I remember reading about the car dilemma awhile back, it sounds like you found a good solution.  It was a good solution for both of you, unfortunately she messed it up but it's not your problem to fix now.

Stay strong, friend.

Thank you. It was very very hard to do, not fixing the situation.

On a positive note her daughter texted me on Father's day, saying that she loves me and how much she appreciated me during those 14 years. It was very touching and kind of validating.

Your post made me tear up.  Thank you for sharing that tender moment. 
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: EnufZnuf on June 24, 2019, 11:36:51 AM
 Encouraging. Iím at 27 years, and Iíve finally had enough. I didnít even know what was happening (covert NPD) until after I moved out, and our daughter got me to study about the topic. Anyway, thanks for your post.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on June 24, 2019, 06:15:07 PM
Encouraging. Iím at 27 years, and Iíve finally had enough. I didnít even know what was happening (covert NPD) until after I moved out, and our daughter got me to study about the topic. Anyway, thanks for your post.

You are welcome. I am glad it helps at all.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on July 11, 2019, 09:08:53 PM
Well, I knew this was coming and today was the day. She sent me a text demanding that I get full Insurance on the car and that I could not have gifted it to her and she is at the DMV and I am still liable for it and to get it insured ASAP!
I know I am protected because I researched the heck out of this but I still have a horrible mood altering feeling in the pit of my stomach. I did reply basically saying

The car's liability was transferred to you, I notified you of this already. I can still willing to have someone pick up the title from me to give it to you. I am done.

Horrible feeling in my gut. You would think literally giving someone a car that their tune would be different. This is what us on this board have to to had to deal with.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: 1footouttadefog on July 11, 2019, 10:53:12 PM
I am worried for you if she does not have that title in her name via the state.

Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: sad_dog_mommy on July 11, 2019, 11:03:28 PM
Oh String,

It seems like no good deed goes unpunished by a PD.   :(   Maybe she wants (expects?) others to take care of her?   

You went above and beyond and I know you agonized about doing the right thing.   You are a kind generous man and I am sure she doesnít understand what an amazing gift that was. 

I wouldnít reply if she contacts you again.  There is nothing more to say.   Well, she should have said thank you...

((( hug )))
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on July 12, 2019, 01:26:55 AM
Oh String,

It seems like no good deed goes unpunished by a PD.   :(   Maybe she wants (expects?) others to take care of her?   

You went above and beyond and I know you agonized about doing the right thing.   You are a kind generous man and I am sure she doesnít understand what an amazing gift that was. 

I wouldnít reply if she contacts you again.  There is nothing more to say.   Well, she should have said thank you...

((( hug )))

I am not responding anymore. She did say she's going to get an attorney and come after me but she's said that several times before.

1footout, the liability is officially transferred to her . I called the DMV 4 times over 4 days to make sure I was clear and to make sure I didn't get someone who didn't know what they were talking about.

Also she got her car out of an impound lot. They would only release it to the owner.
I really do appreciate the concern though.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on July 12, 2019, 10:43:21 AM
Thank you saddogmommy, I appreciate it. :)

I texted her daughter who said my ex is  back to living in the area she used to, which is an hour away from me. Thank goodness.

I would actually love to hear that conversation if she went to an attorney.
So, MrsX. He gifted you the car but you refuse to sign the title because you feel you are being forced to BUT you continue to want to drive the car BUT not pay for the insurance??
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on July 15, 2019, 03:43:20 PM
I called the DMV on Friday, they confirmed what I thought about the release of liability AND they said the car is up for a lien sale. Which means, that since she did not have insurance, despite my warning, so she can't get the car back. It will be sold and I will be notified to see if I am interested. The DMV said to just mail the release of liability to them and I am set.

So the last tie to her will be gone. No one wins, I don't have the car and am paying my loan, she lost the car due to her irresponsible nature. Anyhow, I still feel like the luckiest man alive though. :)
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: Poison Ivy on July 15, 2019, 04:30:33 PM
Unfortunately, sometimes we have to settle for "winning" meaning "the worst possible thing didn't happen." And in your situation, I think this is true.  The worst thing would have been you owning and being the insured on the car and your ex using the car and causing an accident and you being on the hook.  I'm relieved for you that this possibility no longer exists.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: Spygirl on July 15, 2019, 05:21:16 PM
In the grand scheme.of things,

It is a small price to pay for breaking the chain and being free.

Good work
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on July 15, 2019, 06:32:27 PM
Unfortunately, sometimes we have to settle for "winning" meaning "the worst possible thing didn't happen." And in your situation, I think this is true.  The worst thing would have been you owning and being the insured on the car and your ex using the car and causing an accident and you being on the hook.  I'm relieved for you that this possibility no longer exists.

Yes, it's all relative isn't it. Most people would not consider having to pay off a hefty car loan for a car that is no longer drive able because of an irresponsible  ex-girlfriend. But considering the bad decision I made for putting my name on a car and agreeing to pay it off, it's not that bad. Plus, ye you're right, if I still had liability I would be having to pay to get it out and pay any damages.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on July 15, 2019, 06:33:00 PM
In the grand scheme.of things,

It is a small price to pay for breaking the chain and being free.

Good work

Thank you. This loan is temporary compared to my life.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: Poison Ivy on July 15, 2019, 08:44:24 PM
I know it can be difficult to see the positive aspects of separating ourselves from people who make bad, even dangerous, decisions.  Examples from my own life:  The bad news is that my ex-husband fulfilled his long-held wish of cheating on his income taxes; the good news is that we're no longer married and so I'm not responsible.  The bad news is that my ex doesn't have his own car and that he doesn't have car insurance; the good news is that the car he does drive is his dad's, not mine. The bad news is that I got the house instead of half my ex's pension as part of the property division in the divorce; the good news is that he wouldn't have done the paperwork to free my half the pension.  And on and on. 
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on July 22, 2019, 03:25:10 PM
I know it can be difficult to see the positive aspects of separating ourselves from people who make bad, even dangerous, decisions.  Examples from my own life:  The bad news is that my ex-husband fulfilled his long-held wish of cheating on his income taxes; the good news is that we're no longer married and so I'm not responsible.  The bad news is that my ex doesn't have his own car and that he doesn't have car insurance; the good news is that the car he does drive is his dad's, not mine. The bad news is that I got the house instead of half my ex's pension as part of the property division in the divorce; the good news is that he wouldn't have done the paperwork to free my half the pension.  And on and on.

Very true. It is very frustrating that once she had to be responsible for the car, it took her 3 months to lose it. I act calm about it but I am very upset. What a waste. But I cannot allow it to get me down or second guess my decision, like should I have tried to take the car from her. I made my decisions not rashly and with much thought weighted against my emotional and mental state at the time. It just sucks to have money taken out of every paycheck for the next 4 and half years. At least if she had the car and got herself healthy it would be in a small way at least a helpful gesture on my part, although much of the reason I did it was to avoid contact and stress. But now it is just a waste.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: Spygirl on July 22, 2019, 04:47:00 PM
If possible to see it this way,

Look at the alimony as paying for your peace and freedom from the relationship.
You are fufilling a legal obligation and have no responsibility outside it.  The time will go by quickly.

She has the opportunity, personal responsibility,  to get control of her own life on her own terms. Or not. You never need to bother with anything concerning her again.

Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on July 23, 2019, 11:10:53 AM
Spy girl, thanks for responding. Maybe you're using alimony as an analogy like I do. The payments are for the car I am paying off. We were not married but together for 14 years. But your point is 100 percent accurate.

I just think of all the better uses for that money. Although I at least dont feel an ounce of guilt I may have felt if I took the car from her. Which would have involved finding her, demanding it back, forcibly taking it or having a repo company take it. At which point after that battle and hassle I would have to sell it not even knowing after the multiple accidents what kind of shape it was in. Or what may have been in it, possibly drugs.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: 1footouttadefog on July 25, 2019, 06:43:56 PM
Glad you are not on the hook for damages related to the car.

It has to be dlsad to watch someone you cared so much for self destruct. 

I am seeing a former in law do the same.  She was a family member and now she is self destructing.  My spouse has been making poor decisions of late and it's hard to see.  I sometimes wish the version of him I married would come knock some sense into the version I live with now.  They're two very different editions to be sure.

Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on August 07, 2019, 02:24:42 PM
Glad you are not on the hook for damages related to the car.

It has to be dlsad to watch someone you cared so much for self destruct. 

I am seeing a former in law do the same.  She was a family member and now she is self destructing.  My spouse has been making poor decisions of late and it's hard to see.  I sometimes wish the version of him I married would come knock some sense into the version I live with now.  They're two very different editions to be sure.

Yes me too about the car. It was a tough financial loss but if I didn't get out of the responsibility, things would be a lot worse. I have been in touch still with her daughter, who mentioned the last time she saw her mom a few months ago her mom slapped her. So she continues to isolate her from her kids even. Sad but I really feel done. The car was the last connection.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on October 09, 2019, 04:19:52 PM
So I just found out some news from my ex's daughter. My ex was arrested for drug smuggling. I wont go into details but when there was a warrant for her arrest her ex husband set her up, like they were going to meet and the cops arrested her. As some of you know, she put me through so much crap the last few years of our relationship but I feel sad for her. Not a responsible kind of sad or regret kind of sad, just sad on how far she has fallen. Probably the earliest she will be given is 5 years.

I am surprised how this has brought me down today. I guess that even though I am very happy with my current relationship and don't want to see, talk, text, email, etc my ex I always hoped she would get better and have a good rest of the life with her kids, not with them visiting her in prison. Very strange turn of events. I have to admit , my 1st thought is thank goodness I did a release of liability on the car. It may not even be the same, but if I hadn't it she may not have lost possession of it and it could have been.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: Poison Ivy on October 09, 2019, 05:33:07 PM
Wow!  I'm so glad you detached yourself from her!
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: Spygirl on October 16, 2019, 04:59:38 PM
Do not despair,

In jail she will have to be sober and get counseling.  Its the best thing that could have happened.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on October 18, 2019, 01:32:58 PM
Do not despair,

In jail she will have to be sober and get counseling.  Its the best thing that could have happened.

Thank you for the comforting words. The last week or so I have been thinking of all the terrible things she did to me and how she treated me but I feel no anger. Like I said before, it's like getting mad a wild animal that is trying to eat you. You just get it out of your life. I guess because I saw her deteriorate over the years where it's the point where she is no longer the same person. Anyhow, I don't regret for a second leaving and wish I had years ago, it's not my responsibility to stop someone's downfall. I do take solace that when I did leave, I helped as I felt I should during the detachment period.

Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: Spygirl on October 20, 2019, 01:16:26 AM
Imo,

You did just fine. Now she is in a place where whatever happens, is up to her.  It was always that way, even though fog had you thinking you could influence her.

My expdh is an alcoholic. I also waited too long, gave up too much, and believed it was my duty to save him. I had to put that down.

I also have forgiven my ex. I believe he is suffering enough, and too much in pain to see that he could live a better way. Its for him to figure out.

Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: 1footouttadefog on October 23, 2019, 12:29:11 AM
I had a relative who went to prison for two years.  He got sober and had counceling.  He seems to be stable now that he has been out for a couple years now.  He has a good job and lives in a long-term relationship with a woman who has a long term professional job.

Everyone blamed this or the other person and was made he went to prison, I looked at it as a blessing because he was heading for death and harming himself and others along the way.

Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on October 23, 2019, 01:41:06 PM
Thank you both. It's strange I have been out for almost 3 years and it still has an effect on me.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: Spygirl on October 25, 2019, 07:21:19 PM
I think we are all emotionally scarred from it.

I see this as positive. We are now armed. More cautious. We KNOW who these people are now. And we know how to avoid entanglement with them in the future.

I have been considering a small tattoo to mark this achievement. A visible scar.
Title: Re: An update and maybe helpful for those trying to get out of their relationship
Post by: mrstring on November 05, 2019, 12:57:27 PM
I think we are all emotionally scarred from it.

I see this as positive. We are now armed. More cautious. We KNOW who these people are now. And we know how to avoid entanglement with them in the future.

I have been considering a small tattoo to mark this achievement. A visible scar.

You are right, we do know who they are. I was texting her daughter and her and the one son visited her this weekend in jail, which must have been tough. It looks like my ex is still playing the guilt blame game with them. I am so glad she is out of my life. How toxic!!