Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: Writingthepain on June 16, 2019, 07:24:35 PM

Title: "If you've got a stomach bleed its all your fault!"
Post by: Writingthepain on June 16, 2019, 07:24:35 PM
Since my early 20s I've suffered three bouts of stomach issues/bleeding/ulcers. After much medical investigation the drs always conclude that its due to stress. Which mom has always said she can't understand because what have I got to be stressed about?!!
Anyway yesterday she had a happy day ripping me apart, did a total character assassination on me and left me feeling worthless and in tears. Today I'm passing blood, I told mom and she said "well if you behaved yourself then you wouldn't get stressed like that!" In other words I'm such a terrible person that I force her to be horrible to me, which in turn makes my stomach issues my fault and noting to do with her!
Title: Re: "If you've got a stomach bleed its all your fault!"
Post by: bloomie on June 16, 2019, 08:35:47 PM
Writingthepain - yikes! I hope you have taken steps to care for yourself this could be very serious. Your mother's response to you is terrible and breaks my heart. I hope you have other people in your life who will support you as you figure out what is going on. :hug:
Title: Re: "If you've got a stomach bleed its all your fault!"
Post by: Amadahy on June 16, 2019, 08:46:57 PM
I am so sorry!!! Id suggest you tell her nothing become a grey rock (read about that here). And when she begins abusing you (yes, abusing you), walk away or hang up or disengage.  You do not have to take all that toxicity!  You can just separate without explanation or say something to the effect of I will not accept abuse! Dont explain or engage or try to reason. Walk away. Then, immediately do something nice for yourself. Your body is trying to tell you you just cannot stomach her.  :hug:
Title: Re: "If you've got a stomach bleed its all your fault!"
Post by: athene1399 on June 18, 2019, 11:23:34 AM
How terrible that she weaponizes your health issues against you. i am so sorry. :( I agree with Amadahy. Don't discuss with her anymore. She will just make you feel worse.

I hope your stomach heals soon.
Title: Re: "If you've got a stomach bleed its all your fault!"
Post by: foobarred on June 22, 2019, 04:27:57 AM
So sorry you're going through this.  Hope you're getting appropriate medical care for those stomach ulcers.

Do you have someone to take care of your head as well, i.e., a therapist?  Mine has been a godsend, and has provided valuable feedback on all the character assassinations my parents did on me over the years.  About 95% of the crap they accused me of was either a) perfectly normal, or b) perfectly normal responses to their crazy.  It meant a lot to me to learn that I was NOT the problem.  Had NEVER been the problem.

I read somewhere that PDs *need* you to be bad.  Their coping mechanisms rely on the construction of an elaborate lie (the false self), and they cannot endure any challenges to that lie.  By painting you as a loser/liar/evil/stupid they can ignore any truth you reveal, because in their minds you're ignorant and incompetent, and you wouldn't know the truth if it jumped up and bit you on the a**.

If, for one second, they saw you as worthy, then they would have to take your opinions seriously, and that would be catastrophic for them and their worldview.  So they can't *ever* afford to see you as worthy.

Title: Re: "If you've got a stomach bleed its all your fault!"
Post by: GentleSoul on June 22, 2019, 04:39:18 AM
So sorry to hear what you are going through.
Title: Re: "If you've got a stomach bleed its all your fault!"
Post by: Whoa on June 22, 2019, 05:59:23 PM
I have encountered a situation remarkably similar. Whenever someone's physical ailment is caused by UNSEEN forces, people resort to blame. I have a severe chronic migraine condition, which of course is invisible form the outside. At one point my mom was stressed to be cooking every meal for a debilitated then-18 year old. My dad asked, as he sat eating his own lunch, not lifting a finger to help my mom, "Why can't [my name] cook it?" Although I had physical difficulty speaking (the sound of my own voice triggered migraines), I called from my recliner, "I can't even take a shower!" He asserted very matter-of-factly, "That's YOUR  fault." I was extremely hurt to hear this, as my entire existence had been stripped away: I could no longer exercise, go to school, drive, read, write, or function healthily. That it was my fault felt insane; why would I choose to lay in a recliner all day? But he went on to say that I had put off doctor visits, or been resistant to trying new meds, so on, so forth, various excuses why my condition was indeed my own doing. Often, when people are frustrated by a family member's illness, they'll look for way to solve it. Then, when the condition cannot be solved, they surmise that it MUST be the individual's fault for not taking their advice or something. People get agitated when they feel the need to be "chronically sympathetic", so to speak. It's difficult for some people. So instead, they get angry at the medical condition.
I am very sorry to hear about the stressful environment you are coping with; it was so mature and responsible to seek support like you did! That's one (awesome) way to lessen the load on yourself, and I advise that you stay open and receptive to outside support. Hang in there!
Title: Re: "If you've got a stomach bleed its all your fault!"
Post by: Dinah-sore on June 22, 2019, 10:44:44 PM
That makes me so sad for you. My goodness.  I am so sorry. I don't have advice other than something that someone once told me here--You don't need to sit and listen to them abuse you. I NEVER KNEW THIS!!! Seriously, my head almost exploded when they told me that. But it is true, and it has helped me so much. Once my BPDm goes into one of her abuse episodes, I find a way of escape. I either get off the phone or excuse myself from her presence. Find an escape.

I don't live with her, but my enF still does and he does the same thing. He used to just sit there and act like a toilet for her to fill with all her nastiness. But now he will get up and go to his office or go to the market, etc. He didn't know he didn't have to endure it either.

Hopefully you can find some phrases and hiding places where you can escape and find peace. Let her cool down. Even telling her, "You seem really upset. Let's stop talking until you calm down and we can calmly discuss this." It may really piss her off, but it is a solid boundary. Best wishes. And please take care of your health. This abuse will damage you, but it isn't your fault anymore than if she gave you a black eye. She is essentially physically abusing you (through verbal and emotional abuse), and getting away with it.