Out of the FOG

Although I am still closing on a house tomorrow, I'm having cold feet about ending my relationship and in my head having all sorts of thoughts and all sorts of excuses such as:  maybe I could just rent the house out or maybe I'm wrong about him, maybe I'm the problem, maybe I'm just: never satisfied, crazy, mental, a commitment phobic........etc etc etc

This past weekend he was the kind and generous and lovely, he was the person he was for the first 1.5 years of the relationship. He actually took a day off on Sunday and relaxed.  At first I was hesitant as I have grown used to his distance and him being occupied, so I was sort of awkward with him, like not sure where we stood.   And this morning when I said good-bye to him, he dropped what he was doing, walked over, looked me square in the eye, put his hands on my face and said, "I love you."   It took me by complete surprise as he has not been like this in a long time.  I was just shocked and even laughed nervously.  I mean, usually I get a "Ok, have a good day" (without him even looking at me because he is so preoccupied).  This has got me all confused.  I feel guilty and feel like perhaps I haven't been trying, perhaps I have been distant?  Perhaps my distance is pulling him back in?  He has been acting differently the past few days.  I wonder if he knows? 

Yikes, I'm so confused, but I'm still walking, one step at a time.

I once read somewhere (I think the book was called, Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay) that you can't do a pros/cons list with relationships like this (should I stay or should I go?) because it's akin to weighing puppies, they are always shifting, wiggling around,  it's too shaky and changes constantly.  But the mind wants to weigh the pros and cons to make the right choice.  But with abuse amnesia, this makes it very hard.

Stick to the plan

I experienced this also. My stbexh knew he was losing me, as much as said it a week after i was gone.

You see, WE start to change. They notice it. We are a little less compliant. We start avoiding them and get less engaged.

We used to hang on every word. Would do ANYTHING they wanted, worshipped them. Out of love, and then fear.

This is what FOG is. Right where you are. He is being nice for a couple days, after being a jerk for months. Re read your posts.

If it were me, i would move into the house. Continue to date. If you dont get some space, it will be impossible to clear your mind. See what happens. Give yourself a couple months. Never sell the hs if you decide to move back to him so you have a safe place.

Without my home available, i dont know what i would have done.


I realized that i was a pet. A loyal dog. Always at the door happy to see him, no matter his behavior or condition. He used to take me everywhere, show me off to his friends. He got alot of attention having me for awhile. I did every trick he wanted me to learn eagerly.  I was a very good dog!

Then i became inconvenient. He had to come home to me, rather than doing other things. I did not get all that attention anymore from his friends. He yelled at me alot and ignored me. I did my best to be good and get petted, but i got.less and less positive attention from him.

Finally, it was never good. I ran away before he could do worse to me.

BB - I have been quietly following your story, rooting for you and also a tiny bit jealous.  You are me almost 40 years ago.  I knew it was bad, but I stayed, I thought it would get better, so I stayed.  Had a baby; thought it would make things better (it didn't).  Like you, I would get a glimmer of the person that swept me off of my feet, we would have months of great times, everyone thought we were the perfect family.  Then he would slip, the name calling would return, the ruining of birthdays and holidays for pure sport.  I was too scared to leave; would excuse all of his faults.  Did I make him mad?  Am I really as awful as he says I am?  Am I overreacting? 

What really struck me was your BF constantly asking you to do "chores".  My husband does this all day long.  It's a type of control.  They don't need help, they just want to know that you are at their beck and call.  It's a way to control your time.  I can't plan anything on my day off, because it will be "let's go shop for plants" or "come to Home Depot with me".  At first I was happy that he wanted to spend time with me.  Not so much.    My favorite one is if I go somewhere by myself, he will ask me to pick up lunch, or dinner.  This way he can make me come home at a certain time. 

It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I came across this site and it made me realize that I'm not crazy.  If I were younger and knew this, I would run for the hills.  I would give anything for the opportunity that you have.  Please don't 2nd guess yourself.    Those blissful moments are fleeting and you already have a picture into what your life will be like, but it will get worse. 

Don't be like me and at 60 years old wonder what could have been.  I blinked and ended up here.

Spygirl and Veloter,

Thank you both.  I got home an hour ago (from my full time job).  Pulled up in the driveway and a customer was standing there.  Asked if she could go inside (we have a mini art gallery with some pottery).  I said, "no, the gallery is not open now."   Came inside, set my stuff down, walked the dogs, checked the baby chicks and then stopped by our farm stand to talk to boyfriend who was standing there looking at his tractor.  Another customer pulled into the driveway, and walked up.  She asked if we took credit cards, I told her that we do on Saturdays, but during the week it's honor pay. My boyfriend yelled out to me "hun, you can ring her up!"  🤬.  My job never ends (because his doesn't)

Then ten minutes later, he wants to take me out to dinner.  He comes up to try and kiss me, but I feel so gross and uncomfortable.   What a yo yo relationship.  Telling me what to do, then buying me an ice cream cone (or dinner).  Toss in a little niceness and I "forget"  I'm stressed to the Max. 

So thank you both so much for the reminder (to keep to the plan). 

 

Hi BB - I've also been following your story, but haven't felt like I had much to contribute so haven't posted. I admire your courage and heart.

I once dated a guy that sounds a lot like your BF, and am eternally grateful to be free of him.

That "cold feet" thing is normal. Nothing is ever bad *all* the time. I think you and your beloved pets will sleep better once you're in your own safe, peaceful space, but no matter what you do please know that there are many people in your corner rooting for you. All the love.

I just heard Lady Gaga sing the acoustic version of Million Reasons and thought of you.

((( hug )))

I'm 27 years in. I knew something was wrong 25 years ago, yet always found reasons to stay in the toxic relationship. I don't know you, but I don't want you to end up with 25 (or 40) years of regret.

I have been following your story also.  I have a very good relationship with my husband (the FOO is why I come here) so I cant tell you that I can relate.  But....man have I also been cheering for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Im excited for you!!!!  Do whatever it takes to get yourself in your house and deal with the back lash later!  Just imagine......you went through with buying this house.....your ready sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I experienced the same push=pull during the 7 years I was married to my uNPDexh.  As soon as he'd feel me pulling away, he'd do something to bring me back in.  Then, once he was comfortable in his control over me, would resume being indifferent/selfish/demanding/absent etc.  Finally, one day something in me shoved the emotional parts of my interactions with him aside and forced me to look, and look hard, at the practical parts and what I saw was that after 7 years, nothing had changed nor was it going to change because he wasn't going to change.  All of those years of his yammering at me about how I needed help, I needed to change, I needed to be there for him and on and on and on, yet he was still the self-centered immature brat he was when I met him.  When that realization hit me, I acted and left him and never looked back (even though he tried several times to get back into my life, want to be friends etc. but once I was out of his 24-hour reach, he couldn't manipulate me as he once did).

You're not making these decisions because you're confused or conflicted, butterfly.  You're making them because at some level you know they need to be made.  When the other person is still in your life, it can be hard to hear your own voice, but I guarantee that once you're in a place where you can calmly, rationally, and quietly evaluate the decision you made, you'll see it was the right one.  Trust your gut!

what enufznuf said!
I've been with uPDh for 32 years. Red flags were there year one. When we were dating.... but still, I got engaged, married him, had a child with him, bought three houses with him...it only gets harder and harder to be able to leave the deeper in you get. I wish I had been Out of the FOG 30-32 years ago. (except that I wouldn't have DS and I do love him :) )

Friends,

You guys saved me today.  As I sat and signed all the paperwork (for my closing) I felt each and every one of you.  You guys, yes, you all were the only ones in my corner.  I sat there, all alone, a secret closing.  Thank you.  As I signed each sheet of paper, I signed it for all of us. 

As I got the key and entered the house I realized that this is just the beginning, there is still much work to do, but you guys, each and every one of you, I felt you all.  I felt your pain (as I feel pain) I felt the loneliness (as I feel alone) but I walk, one step at a time.  You can too.

You see, It's not just my boyfriend, it's my FOO as well. 

My father called, (ironically) while I was in my new house, cleaning.  He thanked me for the Father's Day present I mailed, but then immediately told me that I needed to unblock my mother from Facebook (I blocked her after she posted several guilt ridden memes -ya know the ole  "daughters will feel bad because they didn't take a call from mother"...).  I was totally taken aback and overwhelmed.  I suddenly felt like everyone in my life was just trying to control me.  I then asked him if he knew why I blocked her.  He then said "I'd punished her enough and that my medication must have made me more sensitive".  I said that I was glad he got my present, I loved him, but had to go.  I got off the phone and just bawled.  I cried and cried and cried.  But you know what?  I have me.  And I can save me.  My parents, my boyfriend, yeah, they will never change.  I must keep walking.   Dysfunctional behavior is around me, it's how I was conditioned, but I will, persevere.  I don't care if I'm completely alone (with my beloved pets) I will not let them destroy me, I just can't.  This is f'in hard, but I will keep walking. 

Keep the faith friends.  We can do this.

Hang in, and do what's best for you.

 :fireworks:I am so happy for you on your new home Bohemian Butterfly! I have been following your story, and wish you all the best! Please keep us updated! You did it! Congratulations!

Enjoy some time to sleep and rest your mind and body. Let your fur family love on you. It will be a difficult first two weeks, but the hardest part is over. :bighug: :bighug:

I discovered that my pets, were the only shelter for my pain and sorrow for awhile. They listened, passed no judgement, and only wanted to give me affection. They did not burn out on me sorting my mind verbally.

There are a few people i socialize with now, a year and a half later. I got quite good at not dumping on people using a therapist, this group, and my pets.

You dont have to do anything on anyone elses timeline. I still have my ring on, till the weekend. It is my Independence Day.

Congratulations.  You continue to put one foot in front of the other, very inspiring. 
I remember applying for my rental, signing my lease.  It all felt so totally surreal.. like, what the heck am I doing, this is so weird.  Like weirdly hard to reconcile, that there was no other solution that would be easier.  This hard path had to be taken.  As I got the key, did the cleaning, slowly moved things, bought a few furniture items.. preparing my sanctuary.  There was no stopping me.  Of course the actual leaving and moving out of our home of 20 years, the only home our daughter has ever known, physically leaving with my last load of stuff and my first night in my rental, completely alone.. well, let's just say.. not for the faint of heart.  I felt like the lowest pond scum, leaving our family and our home.. yet a very tiny sliver of victory for having survived it all, under heavy fire for about 18 months of intense hoovering and devaluing. 

way to go!!!!!!!!!!  Sorry about your father and mother situation.....but.....you got to cry IN YOUR OWN HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    You probably dont realize what an inspiration you are.  I am SO happy for you and your new home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations on your new home! You are an inspiration for all of us on this forum. Stay strong and keep you as number one. Love this life and live every moment for yourself.
Many of the ways you are being controlled through "chores" I had that going on also. In the beginning I did it out of love, would do anything and give the shirt off my back for him. It eventually was never enough and definitely never good enough.  It became exhausting and so so true, it became doing it out of fear.  If I was gone too long food shopping I would get anxious because he would start calling or texting me asking why I was taking so long. I was even anxious about what I would buy at the store, never the right beer, complained about whatever he could find with F"" ing food. Always these very subtle ways of controlling.

Keep going with your plans, you will not regret one second of your decision. 

Bohemian, in words of Kat54 you ARE inspiration!
I am much  older than you, but somewhere following your footprints and not even thinking about my age.
I elaborated the leaving plan, which is also the way of making my children independent. (Something good in a bad situation.)
Just like you, sometimes overwhelmed by second thoughts. Caused by my uPDh total ignorance, or acted ignorance of the seriousness of my plans.
I did let him know, but he thinks this is just a game. Behaves as if everything is ok (maybe on his very high cloud)
Anyway, way to go girl! You are the wind in my sails, in spite of my reluctance.  :udawoman:

So very proud of you.   I'm sure this is incredibly hard but now is the time to concentrate on self care and your new home.  Please keep ups posted on your journey; there are a lot of us living vicariously through you.  :)

Yay!!! So happy you are doing this, one step at a time.  Give your pets a big hug, and yourself too!

Oh gosh guys!  Thank you so much for your kind and loving words.

I'm two days in the house (part time) and have some of my belongings moved in.  I haven't told my boyfriend yet and I am a nervous wreck.  My emotions are like a see-saw.  Part of me (because he has been kind and attentive these past several days) wants to talk to him and say, "Surprise!  I bought a house, a getaway from the farm!"   But there is another part of me that is just waiting...... and the stress is really getting to me (I have a rash on my face and my left eye is swollen).  Hardly anyone knows about this house (like 3-4 people)  I haven't even told my parents (because they will want to see it immediately and I can't deal with them right now). 

I took a half day from work the other day so that I could just be in the house (right now I am still going to the farm).  I also went home (yikes, I am calling it home....that should tell me something right there.......) on my lunch break (the house is 5 minutes from my job, I could bike there)  I laid on the floor (I don't have a bed or couch or a TV or anything).  I propped my IPad up on a box (used it as a table) and watched a 30 minute show.  I cried during the show because this is hard, but I feel like it's worth it.

I'm sharing my experience in the hopes that I help someone (and help myself).  It doesn't matter that I don't have a TV or that I am using a cardboard box as a table right now because in the grand scheme of things, happiness is not ones' belongings.

Also, I'm not young as young as some of you might think (I'm almost 43).  So for anyone reading......  it's never too late and it doesn't matter if you leave with just the clothes on your back, you can rebuild.  Besides, without a lot of belongings, that frees up some energy to work on my mental health.

So I wanted to give you an update.  I am still in limbo but I think one of the hardest parts is over with.  I have an escape hatch and that feeling alone gives me some sense of power, peace and relief.

bohemian butterfly, you're an inspiration! 

Bohemian Butterfly - enjoy your freedom!  Enjoy that small piece of you that is soaring with your new independence.  I remember my first night at my new place, only a few weeks ago.  I was sleeping on the floor with a sleeping bag.  No one except the landlord knew I was there.  I had never slept so well.  So peaceful and free.  I love the feeling that it was mine - I could make my own decisions and that is such a great feeling.

Underneath it all though, there was a sadness that it me 32 years to make the move.  I am too am older - 54 - and damn I lost a lot of time.  But my son is here with me and we are enjoying the peace of our new lives.

Hugs to you!

Wow BB, congratulations! Enjoy YOUR home!!!

Your courage is inspiring!!!!

Bohemian butterfly I' m all for you. It' s interesting how we empaths and abuse victims always think about the results of our actions and of our precious abusers thoughts. We lack the quality of having thick skin. We are full of "whatifs" and presumptions. Totally wrong but difficult to get rid off.
And they live in their bubbles of manipulation and selfrighteousness.
I observe my uPdh and see again that he thinks the crumbs of his attention and two or three "good deeds" can wipe out his insults and dictatorship.
I can see through that clearly and it still creates these foolish second thoughts in me. I have to carry the reality inside my brain 24 hours a day, blinking like a neon sign.

There are some folks on this thread who have had these relationships for a very long time.  I saw maybe 3 or 4.  Veloter especially caught my attention.  I had only 21 years in, not 40 - but I just wanted to say there is never a moment when it is too late.

There is goodness and community with upright, kind people out there.  I did not know this when I was in it. 

I think a thing that happens is that we attract other people in similar situations to ours.  When I was married, all my close female friends seemed to have the same problems with their husbands.  I used to think that there was little reason to try to get out, because then I would be alone or find another man who was the same.

On the other side of leaving and making a new life, I have a whole new set of friends.  They are really healthy.  They set boundaries.  They have amazing husbands and wives who share mutual respect.  I have an amazing partner who treats me with profound kindness and love.

My old friends all fell away.  It hurt.  A lot.  But it may be that you are in a system that supports you staying in a place where you are abused and the only one who can drag you out is you.  So, I just wanted to say that things can be different. 

I will also offer a practical step.  Consider finding a new community to join.  It takes time and investment, but you can do it right now and begin to grow a healthy network.  That is a major thing I did that helped me.  I joined a martial arts gym and I fell in love with the sport.  I was there all the time (my then husband HATED this.  He worked really hard to stop me.  Seems a key sign that it was good for me).  I spent a lot of time there.  Other people who were working hard at the sport recognized my passion and we made friends.  I was there, building these relationships for 2 years before I left my marriage.  When I finally (finally) walked out that door - I had a place to go and social opportunities to help stave off the lonely and the fear of not having a partner.  It does not have to be a sport, it could be a quilting club, or a hiking meet up group.  And it may take some time to find the right fit.  But it was a life saver for me.  I am not sure if I would have made it out without it.   

 :yourock: :yeahthat: