If part of healing from being a scapegoat is facing the reality that you have enabled it, How then do you approach grief for the relationships this role has cost you without further internalising blame or anger you are working through from being in this role?
Quote from: me01t on July 01, 2019, 07:17:31 AM
If part of healing from being a scapegoat is facing the reality that you have enabled it, How then do you approach grief for the relationships this role has cost you without further internalising blame or anger you are working through from being in this role?
I think this is an amazing question. The only way I know how to grieve what certain patterns of behavior and choices I have made has cost me in my own life - enabling scapegoating for example, is to own my part in humility AND show myself the same grace, understanding, and kindness I would show anyone else who was grieving.
I love this quote: "Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better." Maya Angelou
I have experienced coming Out of the FOG as at times a very painful journey. A long, and often steep path toward the goal of a healthy and healed life. Part of that is accepting our side of the street and working to change areas of our life that have enabled and cooperated with mistreatment.
Not everyone has the courage to make that journey and face whatever we need to in ourselves to break free. I'm really thankful you are recognizing and facing this and that you reached out for encouragement and support as you do. You are most certainly not alone in this. :hug:
Thank you so much, Your compassion in answering this question has really helped me. It has made me think that perhaps the focus is better spent on looking forward (with grace and acceptance in terms of the past), To the more wholesome relationships one's journey will enable one to enjoy and experience and to view it as a process as opposed to a hard ending.
Quote from: me01t on July 01, 2019, 11:02:39 AM
Thank you so much, Your compassion in answering this question has really helped me. It has made me think that perhaps the focus is better spent on looking forward (with grace and acceptance in terms of the past), To the more wholesome relationships one's journey will enable one to enjoy and experience and to view it as a process as opposed to a hard ending.
I love how you phrase that... "a process as opposed to a hard ending." A process and we are making progress and redirecting our lives and it is really something to be grateful and hopeful about. We can stop looking in the rearview mirror!!! :hug:
QuoteIf part of healing from being a scapegoat is facing the reality that you have enabled it, How then do you approach grief for the relationships this role has cost you without further internalising blame or anger you are working through from being in this role?
I was a child when I was trained to be the scapegoat. So I don't blame my child self for that, I did not really have a choice.
So as I got older, I acted out of my training. Which included enabling. When I am able to be compassionate with myself, I know that I did the best I could.
Yes, it took decades. I guess this is part of life and learning. I myself had to go NC with my remaining parent. This has given me grace and space to continue my own healing.
When I am stressed and triggered, I may end up feeling again that I am inherently -bad-, that I am a bad person. This feels beyond horrible. And I know who trained me to feel this way. So when this happens my job then is to be really really really good to myself.
I did not deserve to be abused as a child. As an adult, if my abusers had gotten therapy and made concrete healthy changes, I would have been right there with them. I was available for healthy relationships. But they remained abusive - covert and overt. It took me awhile to get free of them but I did eventually do so.
:bighug: Hugs for your own journey.
Perhaps we can put together moments in which someone is making us a scapegoat and how to get out of it / avoid it.
When do you guys realize you were the scapegoat of the family / group? Can you trace back to a moment that you should have pushed back on?
I find this quite hard to be precise on but i would say for me it is the feeling that with a group you know/knew something felt off and whenever there was a problem you find yourself being the only one thinking about it coming from the perspective of morals. Anyone else seems to lack either accountability or awareness!