Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Parents => Topic started by: Writingthepain on July 05, 2019, 12:05:03 PM

Title: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: Writingthepain on July 05, 2019, 12:05:03 PM
Today on the radio they played the opera song "time to say goodbye" it's a beautiful song and was my late grandfather's favourite...which is why it was chosen as the closing song at his funeral. I've not been able to enjoy it since, it moves me to tears.
Yet today my npd mom (it was her dad) hears it and despite my distress refuses to turn it off and turns it up loud and sings loudly along!
"You have to get over this! It's a beautiful song!" She says
Shes never been able to tolerate me having any emotions whether negative or positive. "Stop laughing! It's doing my head in! You're only doing it to show off!"
This has resulted in me growing up stunted emotionally, unable to react like normal people. Several relationships have almost fallen through because the guy I liked had no idea I liked him!
Is this a feature of pd parents?
Conversely btw she is allowed to vent any and all feelings and emotions as much as she likes (!)
Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: Cat of the Canals on July 05, 2019, 07:51:16 PM
I'm sorry your mom refused to acknowledge your distress. Both my uPD mom and uPD mil do this, in their own particular ways.

With my mother, I'm not supposed to have any negative emotions. If I'm upset about something, there's always some "simple fix." When I was a eight and deeply upset that a neighbor girl had been bullying me (again), my mother kind of rolled her eyes and said, "Can't you just find a way to get along?" When I was seventeen and on antidepressants, she said, "Well you better snap out of it soon!" When I was twenty-five and described myself as being anxious, she said, "No, you're not!"

My MIL, on the other hand, routinely tells my husband that his emotions "aren't normal."

I personally feel like this might be one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse. To continuously tell a child (or adult) that they DON'T feel a certain way or SHOULDN'T feel a certain way is absolutely crazy-making.
Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: Andeza on July 05, 2019, 08:10:51 PM
With my uBPDM it was more "You're the child, I'm the adult! You're not allowed to be angry about anything I say or do because you're the child! Especially if it's something you think is unfair, or if my actions are self-centered. You know what? You're not allowed to be angry about anything at all, and if you are, I'll corner you and lecture you until you cry." ... I might be just a tiny bit angry still. Hmm.

Anyway, this is very typical behavior for my M, so I imagine it exists in some form across the spectrum of disorders.

I desperately hope you can find a way to get some distance from your M. It sounds like you were stuck in a car with her during this disordered episode. I'm so sorry.
Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: MyLifeToo on July 06, 2019, 04:33:50 PM
I'm sorry for your sadness, and yes it is a beautiful song, but if it causes you pain you shouldn't be forced to listen to it until you feel stronger!

Yes, not being allowed emotions is very typical, my M is the same, and yes she acts like she has a monopoly on negative emotions and pain. At my grandmother's funeral (my F's mother) she glared at me and shook her head when she saw my tears, yet she will criticise others for not crying and says they must be hard. I'm not allowed to be ill, I get told to buck up! She gets angry if anyone in the family is stressed or tired, suggesting that there must be something wrong with them - she takes it like a personal affront. I suspect she might have a subconscious inkling that she is sometimes the cause  ;)
Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: darkbutterfly on July 07, 2019, 08:13:15 PM
I also grew up in a house where as a child was almost afraid to say or do anything cause my father got angry out of the blue and my mother was a controlling type who tried to forbid going out and having friends. Now they are getting old and seek attention from their children while I am very happy to live almost 2 thousand km away from them. My mother still expects me to write often and tell her where I go and skype with her on weekends, me being over 30 years old now. It always makes me laugh how she‘s trying to keep me at home on a Saturday night instead of going out and tries to make me feel guilty about „us haven‘t been talking since SO LONG“... I only found closure as an adult, after moving away from the family home.
Now when I seldom visit them or they self invite themselves to see me, everything I do, am and have or plan is being constantly criticized and commented, always only in a negative way. 
The only method to stay mentally healthy was for me to move as far as I could and turn off the whatsapp & facebook notifications, so I can ignore the constant nagging / criticism.
When they don‘t stop writing - we have a „Family“ whatsapp group - I write I‘m very busy @ work & turn my phone off.
I remember dreaming of moving to Alaska when I still lived with them. 🙈🙈🙈
Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: Karen on July 09, 2019, 12:01:44 PM
This definitely resonates with me. Everything was about unBPDm. She was the one who expressed anger, laughter and feelings without any limitation. Woe betide little daughter feeling sad, let down, upset or disappointed. She always advised me to "turn the other cheek", "be the better person" etc to remain submissive and to never learn how to stand up for myself. I was told there was something wrong with me and that I was selfish and unlikeable.

Being told this many times a day made it stick and I've been a people-pleaser ever since. Now trying hard to stop this. So, thinking I was a nasty person who everyone who dislike if I was myself, I attempted to fit in with others and remain sunny whatever. It has done me irreparable damage and stunted me badly.

I have become a magnet for bullies and other narcs. I tried to avoid this and ended up with the covert ones, who are more subtle. Now I am extremely wary of others. I have fairly superficial relationships with many people, but even with closer friends, I keep my cards to my chest and rarely let my guard down. I find it hard to express feelings or give authentic opinions unless they are what is expected. Turning people down, even disliking certain people or sticking up for myself is still very difficult - I always wonder if I'm wrong. After long stints in people's company I always wear myself out analysing what I've said and whether I've offended anyone. This makes social life exhausting.

I've never been allowed to be angry and have a shout so when I finally lose my temper, which I've only ever done about four times in my life, it is completely over the top and ridiculous. I usually end up in tears and apologising profusely and making a huge fool of myself. I now don't allow it at all, and instead, write things down.

Do other people have this too? These parents have done so much damage and they don't know or care at all. I have now been no contact with my unBPDm for over a year, and it feels very good. I'm making small steps to be more authentic and care less about what people think.

Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: caramelia on July 09, 2019, 01:10:49 PM
I was told by my M that the whole family was frustrated by my crying every time I'm upset.

Of course I checked in with the nonPDs and they were like whaaaaa? Who said that?? If you're upset, you're allowed to cry!

ps - That song is so moving even if it weren't a reminder of your grandfather! Of course you'd get emotional hearing it. smh

Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: athene1399 on July 11, 2019, 12:17:37 PM
Yup. When I developed depression at 8 I was told I wasn't allowed to be depressed because my life was perfect. Whenever any of my depressive symptoms cropped up I got in trouble. "Stop being so lazy!' "Get out of bed, you're sleeping too long!" It made me think there was something wrong with me. I believed for 25 years I had no right or reason to be depressed. Last year I made the connection that I had damn good reason to be depressed. Sometimes I tell SO some stuff my parents said to me and he's like "Why did they say that?" "Why did they blame you for feeling like that?" It's really helped me to realize how I had every right to my feelings. it's helped me to feel less crazy. It's helped me to feel deserving of love. Even if all that means my parents were terrible to me at times. It's helped to realize I wasn't the one who was malfunctioning or defective.

You have every right to not want to hear that song. If she wants to hear it she can listen on her own. You're allowed to "get over it" at your own pace or not at all. Everyone grieves in their own way on their own timeline. You don't have to "get over it" because M commands it. You deserve to be able to grieve and not hear this song as you see fit.
Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: Karen on July 11, 2019, 12:49:38 PM
Terrible that they did not recognise your depression and help. They negated because it seemed a reflection on them - that they had given you a perfect life. What awful rubbish to deal with at such a young age.

From these stories, we can see that these parents simply do not acknowledge their children's emotions. From the blatant singing along to a song that their child finds upsetting to denying a cause for upset, they treat their offspring as objects who are alive simply to please them and back up their fragile egos.

I am glad we are wising up and learning from this. It's so damaging and stifling to hold in feelings. Often this results in depression or self harm in some way. It's not us who are at fault. We are entitled to feel anger, sadness and happiness like everyone else.
Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: onefineday on July 12, 2019, 12:57:50 PM
I identify with pretty much every post here. I nearly died as a kid due to an accident which only happened because my mother was being neglectful and not looking out for me. Even then, when I was angry, scared and upset, trying to process what had happened, she blew up because I got angry. A five year old who expressed a bit of anger after such an event-and her response wasnt love, or support, or patience-it was to blow up at me. She's been like that about everything in my life, all my life. And my dad was similar.

In short, I just wasnt allowed to have emotions, and they were always met with at best indifference, at worst, ridicule or shame, and usually with "No I'M the one who's suffering YOU dont know what thats like" kind of reactions. They  always have to be the 'brave heroes' enduring the 'real' suffering, and anything I felt was just 'being soft' or 'selfish'

So my sympathies and empathies go out to everyone here-its such a horrible thing and none of us should ever had to have experienced it.
Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: blacksheep7 on July 12, 2019, 01:12:06 PM
It's very sad being raised with Pd parents who do not acknowledge our emotions :(   They expect us to "snap out of it".

The only emotion allowed in our home was Joy, anything else….forget it.  And we were expected to obey to their rules with no say in any matter. >:(

I came home broken hearted, my first love at 21 and I was expected to smile and told "there will be others"  I didn't give a f**** about the others.  I told M that she didn't understand and I got slapped for it being already depressed.

I never forgot that slap which was a huge red flag that remained and helped me go nc two years ago.

I'm so sorry for all of us having these sad stories to tell.     As someone wrote, we learned and gained a great deal from this.

Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: Call Me Cordelia on July 12, 2019, 04:46:38 PM
I’m also very sorry at reading all of these stories. Other people’s emotions are inconvenient and therefore must be squashed by any means available.

Karen said it’s damaging and stifling to hold in these emotions. Exactly right. My uNF would bark angrily at me, “Stifle!” whenever I was displaying any kind of emotion that was more than his expectation of invisibility, whether I had the giggles or was about to cry. “Stifle!” The first definition of that verb is actually to smother or suffocate. Our PDs can’t stand for us to fully live, in so many aspects of life.
Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: Hopelessly stuck on July 14, 2019, 04:03:11 PM
YesYes, I have had that happen to me. My uNPD Sis does this on purpose. I can't stand country music since I divorced the father of My children. He molested My daughter and during the separation period, he was running around with a shotgun trying to kill me and My daughter. Country Music reminds Me of him. I can't stand Country now. She ALWAYS turns that type of music just to see me get upset. If I say anything about it then She says "You just need to get over it!"

In My FOO I remember many times uNPD M and D would say "quit crying or I will give You something to cry about." Emotions were not acknowledged at ALL! Being an empath I was really hurt by that. Part of My recovery has been to start acknowledging My feelings.  Sometimes I may actually CRY!   
Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: Lauren17 on July 14, 2019, 04:26:51 PM
I’m so sorry for this experience, writingthepain.
Recognizing that I had been subtly trained over the years not to have emotions has been a big step in my coming OOTD.
Posting here a safe way to express those feelings. It’s allowed and respected. Hugs.  :)
Title: Re: Don't have emotions! Its annoying!
Post by: artfox on July 20, 2019, 10:50:22 PM
Yes, there was a limited range of “acceptable” emotions when I was growing up. Too happy or excited was considered obnoxious and annoying. Angry or sad wasn’t allowed at all. I’d be shamed for letting my emotions affect others, and punished when I couldn’t get them under control. I still get anxious when I feel myself heading out of the emotional safe zone, and I have to consciously allow myself to feel.