Hi everyone,
First post here... I have been enjoying reading so much on this site and something that really stuck out to me was the "Medium Chill" strategy. I read that and realized I've been living my whole life like that. I stay calm (generally), make no waves, and I am wondering if I truly exist anymore. It started as a child living in a home with domestic violence, substance abuse, and mental health issues in my parents and older sibling (now all of my siblings). Then I married someone with a PD. He is so emotional and unstable and I'm always calm and trying to exist quietly. Medium chill is always what I'm doing. He tells me there's no intimacy in our marriage and that I hide myself and have secrets. (Part of his PD is paranoia). I have been reading a lot of Melody Beattie's books about codependency and see a lot of myself in those books- I shut down, don't speak my truth, and feel others feelings more strongly than my own. But my PDh's feelings ARE stronger than my own. It's simply not worth nights of hysteria for me to try to be real. Much easier to just exist in Medium Chill mode. But I wonder this- have I lost myself completely?? What if I had the freedom to NOT exist in Medium Chill mode? What if I could just be the real me? Who is the real me even?? And there is SOME truth to what my PDh says about me being shut down. Because it's too exhausting NOT to shut down! Can one have true intimacy with a PD spouse? I know I'm rambling but if anyone knows what I'm going through or has any suggestions for me I'd love to hear it! Thanks for reading!
I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say that I ask myself those very same questions. What if everything I did and said was exclusively because it was what I wanted to do? Who am I? Who would I have been? Who would my children have been if I hadn't brought my H into their lives? Hopefully, we can figure out a way to get there.
Quote from: losingmyself on July 09, 2019, 11:14:54 AM
I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say that I ask myself those very same questions. What if everything I did and said was exclusively because it was what I wanted to do? Who am I? Who would I have been? Who would my children have been if I hadn't brought my H into their lives? Hopefully, we can figure out a way to get there.
Thank you for responding! I'm glad I'm not the only one. And yes I think the same about my child.... she is now a teenager, but what if I had had the freedom to interact with her as much as I wanted without being guilt tripped for not paying attention to PDh? What if I wasn't depressed after nights of non-stop hysteria and I had had more energy for my daughter? What if I'd had the energy to have more kids and not just one???? I know I cant just look back with regret because it does no good. I know I need to work on making myself who I want to be now... but sometimes I do think about all of that. And I feel clueless on how to make myself who I want to be now. I feel like I'm too busy coping and really living causes such problems with the PDh.
I feel the same. MC is the best way for me to avoid drama and verbal abuse, yet I do sort of feel like a shell of myself.
Maybe if you did not need so much energy to protect yourself and cope with your partner's PD, you might use your plentyful energy to get to know yourself.
Ditto - I have been admired for shift to remain calm in the work place, but over the past 18 months I have realised that this has been a lifelong coping mechanism born out of having a N mother and en Dad. Is there anything be you can pinpoint that you like and your PDh doesn't? what differentiates you from him? Maybe you could start indulging this interest a little and gradually find a piece of you that's been hidden away. For me it is music and I have been listening more.
I often feel that I have lost myself, too, so you are not alone in that. I used to be a lot more active socially and while it is partly due to health problems that I don't get out as much as I used to, it sucks having to sit on emotions in order to avoid drama. I often wonder where and who I would have been if I had made different relationship choices?
Medium Chill has been my nature but I think I now view it as a form of codependency where I walked on eggshells just to keep the peace but at a high cost to my soul. 38 years of that has turned me in to a hollow shell. As I apply Differentiation of Self or Autonomy as directed by my therapist, I have regained some feeling but it also has cause my uBPD wife to act out (and in) even more so it comes at a high price. We'll see where this goes for me as I have gone way past my expiry date.
Yes, therapy is hard work and the changes we make are not always welcome by our environment. Wishing you a brave heart.
I think MC has worked, and it's nice to not have the blowups, and JADE works well to stop the circular conversations, and sometimes I'm proud of myself for implementing them so well, but then this voice in my head says "how long is that sustainable?" And is that a way to live? The other day we were walking in to a restaurant, having a conversation, and apparently I didn't wait the right amount of time after he spoke, to speak. And I got the "are you going to let me finish what I was saying or are you going to keep interrupting me?" And I think, I can't even have a normal conversation without being guarded. How long can that last??
I experience the same with uOCPDh...hard to have a give and take conversation.
Quote from: losingmyself on July 11, 2019, 05:47:56 AM
I think MC has worked, and it's nice to not have the blowups, and JADE works well to stop the circular conversations, and sometimes I'm proud of myself for implementing them so well, but then this voice in my head says "how long is that sustainable?" And is that a way to live? The other day we were walking in to a restaurant, having a conversation, and apparently I didn't wait the right amount of time after he spoke, to speak. And I got the "are you going to let me finish what I was saying or are you going to keep interrupting me?" And I think, I can't even have a normal conversation without being guarded. How long can that last??
That is what I have been asking myself lately!
I experience the same with uOCPDh...hard to have a give and take conversation.
I dont think so
I can relate completely. It's bad enough to have a pd spouse but add the paranoia and it's torture times 100. I was there. I walked on land mines around him. When the paranoia started I was close to a mental breakdown myself. There is nothing I could do or say to not set him off. I became a shell of a person. I only existed. I wasn't living. Every minute of every day was a struggle. I didn't have a life, let alone myself. It lasted only 6 months before he choked me in a pschotic break. We are no longer together. Just wanted to give you support and tell you please get a good therapist. Build a support system if you can. I know it is probably impossible with a pd spouse. Stay strong.
Quote from: losingmyself on July 11, 2019, 05:47:56 AM
I think MC has worked, and it's nice to not have the blowups, and JADE works well to stop the circular conversations, and sometimes I'm proud of myself for implementing them so well, but then this voice in my head says "how long is that sustainable?" And is that a way to live? The other day we were walking in to a restaurant, having a conversation, and apparently I didn't wait the right amount of time after he spoke, to speak. And I got the "are you going to let me finish what I was saying or are you going to keep interrupting me?" And I think, I can't even have a normal conversation without being guarded. How long can that last??
Yes, I ask myself these questions all the time.
I also get accused of interrupting ALL THE TIME.
My own therapy has helped. Opening up to a couple of people in my life has helped. Refusing to be cut off from my FOO has helped. Pursuing my own interests has helped. But all of those things are for me- none of them is for our marriage.
If you look at my history, you will see that I have asked these questions too. I have felt a flatness come over my life and my personality, at least when I am at home. Combine that with the fact that there is no intimacy, and very likely never will be any really, between UPPDH and me, and I often feel disconnected. It may partly be lingering depression, but it is hard to say. Just hang in there. Use the peace you have managed to grab to rest, think about what does or could make you happy and picture what a good life means to you. I have made bigger investments in my FOO—which is a healthy one—and my children. But I will admit I just don't care very much about most things. It feels like my capacity to be emotionally engaged has been drained away.
I just wanted to tell you that your post touched me. I do exactly what you do; shut down to keep the peace and get accused of a double life. Please know that you aren't alone. You haven't lost yourself, you have simply put that part of you away to protect it for now. You are a terrifically strong person and I am inspired by your story. :)
Hello all you people. I am the other person in a relationship with someone who is kind of meek and denies his needs. Been with him for three years, I dont have a pd. He is very gentle and loving. But now, after 2,5 years I realise that I am finding it hard to be with someone who is so traumatised and who feels my feelings more strongly than his. Who denies his wishes as a lifelong habit.
We were both with pds before, and he had a violent father. I am struggling to know who he really is...
O know that I lost myself. I Gave and gave until there was little left. My own dreams were constantly derailed by pd fits, breakdowns, job changes and such.
Any real interest in something new was often met with neediness or chaos making.
It took me along time to accept this as true, I had a hard time believing someone I loved would actively work against me.
Once I started out of fog, I had to reclaim my life a bit at a time. I am not all there yet.
Life with a PD is extremely challenging to deal with, because there is more for them than for us. They don't understand us, because they firmly believe that the world deserves their attention all the time. When we tell our truth, we are subject to their rants and their illogic. Like my T has told me, we have to take care of ourselves. They won't, and that is difficult to do, because we have been trained to give in.
Quote from: 1footouttadefog on August 02, 2019, 09:01:02 PM
O know that I lost myself. I Gave and gave until there was little left. My own dreams were constantly derailed by pd fits, breakdowns, job changes and such.
Any real interest in something new was often met with neediness or chaos making.
It took me along time to accept this as true, I had a hard time believing someone I loved would actively work against me.
Once I started out of fog, I had to reclaim my life a bit at a time. I am not all there yet.
Oh my word - this is exactly my life experience of being with a UNP. I've lost so much of myself! I've worked so damn hard to rebuild it all. I'm overwhelmed sometimes by how many people are glad to see my face again. Do you find or feel like that?
While I'm a new member here, I've realized that I've been using medium chill for some years and yes, it does feel like part of me is constantly kept locked down in a box. At first I was just relieved to not have a stupid argument about everything. When I am in this group, I know that you understand that everything means every single damn thing every single day, from why you bought yourself a different brand of toothpaste to how the sky isn't a perfect blue and why did you say it was when there clearly is a wisp of cloud. EVERYTHING EVERY DAY. And you are always wrong.
Yes, medium chill is a stopgap at best. I've developed other outlets. I've joined a few special interest clubs and often leave the house to walk local parks or visit the library. I've made a point of making friends that have no relationship to him. That has helped. I've also started taking occasional trips without him for a blessed few days. The irony is the more I pulled back and stopped playing his games his less negative towards me he's become. But being punished for being an authentic person in my own home is hard. I can feel the tension rise just walking into the house. I'm nearly 60 and my retirement is riding on being able to stay so I have a strong incentive to manage this. You'll have to decided if it is worth it for you.
I can relate to all of this. I, too, learned medium chill as a coping mechanism as a child. I was born to a teen mom and my mom was all over the place. I had a sibling who died as an infant when I was around 10 and my mom became even more of an emotional wreck (not that I blame her). I was always her rock and my sole purpose in life became cheering her up. When she got married, I learned to exist quietly so as not to get in the way of their relationship. Fast-forward to my marriage to a PD, I walk on egg shells every day. I rarely ever express my true feelings to my PDH...and he constantly complains of lack of intimacy. But anytime I tell him my true feelings about anything, he finds a way to use it against me later. I just tell him what he wants to hear. I, like you, feel as though I have lost myself completely. When we have a length of time where we are good and I start to let my guard down, something happens and it reminds me that I can never ever be my true self with him. I don't think I can live my entire life like this. At some point I just want to be free to be myself. I'm sorry you are experiencing this too.
Quote from: maymay22 on September 11, 2019, 04:40:08 PM
But anytime I tell him my true feelings about anything, he finds a way to use it against me later..
:yeahthat:
My H is not nearly as bad as what I see a lot of people are going through. But how can you be close and open when you say something to your spouse in a loving and intimate time, and it's angrily thrown back at you weeks or months later? Or completely distorted?