Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers => Topic started by: Transcendence on July 10, 2019, 09:47:54 PM

Title: TRIO of "friends" and the Narc is ruining my friendship with the other Non!
Post by: Transcendence on July 10, 2019, 09:47:54 PM
I am involved in a trio of friends who are in “recovery” and one of these things is not like the others!  One “frenemy” is a life sucking lying narcissist!  So I am continually being ignored and my real life challenges diminished for her bullshit made up crap!  It is really painful and frustrating as I really want to keep my relationship with the other friend but she is in denial about the narcissists in her life and although intelligent and a growing person; she allows them to manipulate her!  I moved a couple years ago so we are mostly texting as a small group, but I just can’t take it anymore!  If I leave the text group then I will lose her as a friend.

The narc is in her 70’s and she talks baby talk and does this whole fantasy scenario and my friend is her “sponsor” so she probably feels more obligation to respond to her but it is really sick!  I feel abandoned and stupid after sharing something significant and at times get no response or a sentence that lacks empathy.  The narc will use recovery words to draw in my friend…and she gets validation for things like going after a married man and then being upset because he wants to work things out with his wife!

When I was there in person the narc tried to bully me after a meeting when no one else was around to witness it!  She is an older woman who considers herself very high on the recovery group scale.  She started a group that swelled to big numbers and then she blew it up with her arrogance and control.  She does a lot of “victim stancing” and huge crocodile tears.  She brags often and shows just the right amount of “contrived empathy” to make one question their discernment. 

My friend also is in a marriage with PD where she accepts so much responsibility for what is happening and allows herself to be constantly drawn back in, just when she is ready to make the break.  She has turned her own life upside down to accommodate his issues, and then when his fangs come out she finally sees the light, but then he apologizes and “really loves her” and will really work his program!  (Wow haven’t we all been involved with a situation like this?) 

This has been going on for years.  I recognize that she is in a sick dance with a number of narcissists because she is so intelligent, beautiful, and caring and prone to the familiar dance.  So I’m trying to get clarity on the truth for myself.  This pattern within the 3 of us has been going on over 3 years.  I know the other woman is a very cunning narcissist and my friend will continue this dance with her, and ignore me intermittently.  I see the huge dysfunction and the patterns…and I also see where if I share something I need to be prepared to be ignored or diminished.  So I think I will pare back and also not pay any lip service to the Narc.  I have been so encouraging and empathic for both of them and I am not receiving the mutuality, sadly.

I have been implementing the definition of crazy…hoping to find consistent encouragement and fair treatment for 3 years now, doing the same thing over and over again: expecting different results!  So now I am going to try to find the Courage to change the things I can…which is the depth of what I share and if I share at all…I need some distance.  I also find it painful to face that my friend is mired in these sick dances and she throws me over for these narcs!

Does anyone else have a friend that is allowing themselves to be manipulated by a narcissist and it affects your friendship negatively? :stars:
Title: Re: TRIO of "friends" and the Narc is ruining my friendship with the other Non!
Post by: notrightinthehead on July 11, 2019, 05:05:00 AM
Consider the serenity prayer - you will have to accept that this is exactly how your both friends behave - the one manipulative the other enabling - change what you can - your response to it, maybe by applying medium chill, or by giving honest feedback, or by withdrawing and looking for healthier friendships; and be grateful for the wisdom you have to know the difference.

I have found it so hard not to try and change people, to just accept them how they are; but I have realized that by thinking about others, their problems, their faults, I am actually avoiding to think about myself and to work with myself. It is just a distraction from the actual job on hand. You know and understand the dynamics between yourself and your friends. Now you can make the healthy choice for yourself.
Title: Re: TRIO of "friends" and the Narc is ruining my friendship with the other Non!
Post by: Transcendence on July 11, 2019, 07:08:59 AM
Thanks for responding.  I am not interested in changing anyone, I was just curious if anyone else has friendships that have been tainted by a third party with a personality disorder? 

By the way I wasn't avoiding thinking about myself, in fact I was looking at my own patterns.  I was also hoping for some commonality on the forum about how hard it is to navigate friendships when narcissists have their hands within them. 
Title: Re: TRIO of "friends" and the Narc is ruining my friendship with the other Non!
Post by: TriedTooHard on July 11, 2019, 04:54:45 PM
Yes, this type of thing used to happen to me a lot but its been a while since I first started recognizing the pattern and trying to change it, much like you're doing now.  Now, I feel like an observer of this happening with some co-workers and moms with kids the same age as mine.  I try to laugh it off and feel grateful that I'm not considered one of the "fun ones" by the uNPDs looking for friends.  Sometimes I feel sad about it - I have to remember that growing up in a family dominated by a uNPDm will cause me to feel that way and I have to stick to looking at the big picture. 

It doesn't seem to change as my peer group ages, I still see it happening, so lessons learned about this will be valuable for us for a lifetime. 

I wish you success in finding a peer group that is more suitable for you.  I have had some successes, but with my background, its best to take it slowly with new friendships. 
Title: Re: TRIO of "friends" and the Narc is ruining my friendship with the other Non!
Post by: Transcendence on July 11, 2019, 06:01:57 PM
Hi TriedtooHard,

In the past I was often "selected" by N's in romance and friendship, and worked hard to maintain a "relationship" that could never be.  I used to live 1500 miles from my FOO but due to a last resort I am living in the same house with malignant N's and other dysfunction. I am involved in several recovery groups and have met many people, however, I have discovered that there are definitely N's in those rooms as well and other people that are unsafe as friends as well.  I have been here 3 years and have attempted to befriend about 7 or 8 people and I took the time to vet them and all were unsafe and unhealthy,  in some way. I keep a journal of my experiences and refer to it often to see the patterns.  About 4 of the newer people turned out to be narcissistic and the rest were just unsafe in other ways.  So right now I don't have anyone just to "kick it" with and I live with family N's so I'm navigating life to the best of my ability.

I want to keep the one friend who is a really good person, who is in denial about N's in particular.  But I am going to approach the text group differently.  I am going to back off on giving the N supply, which I have battled as I didn't want to seem unempathic.  I am also not going to post as vulnerably and realize that was a huge part of my disappointment when I was ignored and the N was draining all the energy out of the group.  I realize my friend is trapped in her own pattern of catering to N's, but I was once there myself and I need to change my boundaries but still have compassion for her.  She was one of the only people who came alongside me during a very difficult time in my life and I am not going to dump her just because she is unable to be there for me now.

So I am changing the things I can!