Out of the FOG

The Other Sides of Us => Working on Us => Topic started by: newlife33 on July 11, 2019, 02:27:21 AM

Title: FINALLY I;m able to wake up and fall asleep in my own bed without trauma.
Post by: newlife33 on July 11, 2019, 02:27:21 AM
I had a massive breakthrough today in therapy.  I haven't lived in my childhood home in a decade, yet there was something still haunting me.  I didn't know what it was, but it had to do with the morning and evening.

What I realized was I had so much trouble getting out of bed in the morning because my brain had been conditioned to a certain environment.  As a kid bed was a safe zone.  I could not be abused or used there and could hide.  As soon as I got out of bed tho, it was a war.  War against my family, war against bullies, war against emotions, and so on. 

Today I finally realized I am ok!  I can get up and do whatever I want!!! There are no more wars to be fought, only life and love.

And the same went for the evening.  At night it would be so hard to sleep knowing that I was alone in the house.  I was haunted by the fact there was no one I could turn to or talk to, and I always hated when my father was home and would sneak up to check in on me at random times.  I swear he did it just to keep me in fear and conditioned.  And even odder was the fact that he worked overnights and my mom hated him waking her up, so the asshole put a bed on the floor of my room and he would come in sometimes and sleep on my floor!!! So freaking invasive, bizzare and rude, especially considering we had a couch downstairs, a basement and a pull out couch. 

Tonight I have my rainforest noises on, the a/c and fans are going, my fish are lazily settling in for the night, and I juggled the soccer ball a bit to unwind.  This is MY time and MY space and MY life.  No one is allowed to invade it and I can choose who to invite in.

It feels so crazy good right now I am overwhelmed with happiness!!! I'm another step closer to total freedom.
Title: Re: FINALLY I;m able to wake up and fall asleep in my own bed without trauma.
Post by: Spygirl on July 11, 2019, 03:33:24 AM
Very very happy for your progress. You give us hope for our futures!
Title: Re: FINALLY I;m able to wake up and fall asleep in my own bed without trauma.
Post by: guitarman on July 11, 2019, 07:24:37 AM
I'm glad to know that you are feeling OK. Thank you for sharing.

For many years I experienced anticipatory dread and hyper vigilance. This was because I never knew what traumatic or life threatening crisis was about to happen.

I can identify with a diagnosis of CPTSD for myself. I was diagnosed with visual ideation by a psychiatrist. That is when feeling stressed I can start to see or imagine things that aren't there.

Trauma and stress can do weird things to your mind and body.

I'm so glad to know that you are heading towards a life of peace and freedom.

guitarman X

Title: Re: FINALLY I;m able to wake up and fall asleep in my own bed without trauma.
Post by: Summer Sun on July 13, 2019, 11:45:11 PM
Newlife33, this is great progress!  Isnít it amazing when we can connect the dots, learn to soothe ourselves, and with sufficient distance, progress and growth, yes, realize states of happiness! 

Carpe Diem!

Summer Sun
Title: Re: FINALLY I;m able to wake up and fall asleep in my own bed without trauma.
Post by: newlife33 on July 15, 2019, 04:28:06 PM
Newlife33, this is great progress!  Isnít it amazing when we can connect the dots, learn to soothe ourselves, and with sufficient distance, progress and growth, yes, realize states of happiness! 

Carpe Diem!

Summer Sun


Thank you and well said! I relate to what you said about connecting the dots, really felt that way.
Title: Re: FINALLY I;m able to wake up and fall asleep in my own bed without trauma.
Post by: SerenityCat on July 15, 2019, 11:43:51 PM
Quote
Tonight I have my rainforest noises on, the a/c and fans are going, my fish are lazily settling in for the night, and I juggled the soccer ball a bit to unwind.  This is MY time and MY space and MY life.  No one is allowed to invade it and I can choose who to invite in.

This is such a treat for me to read - thank you!

I also have trauma related to sleep. My uNPD mother would wake me up to use me as her therapist, she would cry and vent and tell me traumatic things. She likely was sometimes in PTSD flashback. Dad would be drunk and sound asleep.

I ended up hyper-vigilant and anxious. PTSD myself and difficult sleeping, difficulty with mornings.

I can reclaim my sleep and nights/mornings too!  :cheer:

This gives me some ideas on how I can make everything about sleep feel cozy and safe. Thank you!