Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members => Topic started by: lostsister on July 11, 2019, 04:24:54 PM

Title: Scream
Post by: lostsister on July 11, 2019, 04:24:54 PM
I just need to SCREAM.....but everyone in my office would think I am NUTS.

How do we stop the stupidity?
The stupid questions they ask....trying to make you show emotion....
I will NOT give in and give her what she wants.
She wants me to lose it....and then she gets to sit back and laugh.
NOT gonna do it.
Title: Re: Scream
Post by: guitarman on July 12, 2019, 04:42:30 AM
I think that you've answered your own question.

For me remaining calm has been my weapon of choice. I now observe and don't absorb. You can't change anyone else's behaviour you can only change and control your own.

My uBPD/NPD sister tries to provoke me and upset me. She says the most outrageous things to deliberately push all my buttons. I'm not participating in her manipulative games any more. She can go and play them with someone else. Actors need audiences. Bullies need victims. Abusers need targets of abuse.

Someone posted here in the Other Media Resources section about a video where you calmly only say "That's interesting" when someone tries to provoke you. I'm going to try that.

Try Medium Chill and Grey Rock techniques. Don't engage ignore instead. Become very boring. Don't participate in all the dramas. Don't feed the narcissistic supply.

guitarman X
Title: Re: Scream
Post by: LindaLoo on July 12, 2019, 06:32:55 AM
I understand!!  I wish I knew how to stop "the stupidity"  It's no win with them.  I did learn not to engage when I got raging emails accusing me of "shutting my family out" or "why can't I make you understand" or "just go live your life and forget about me"  :stars:

You are doing the right thing by refusing to give in to her. No matter what we do it never results in any change of behavior from them. I am learning slowly. 

I am sorry you are going through this.  :bighug:
Title: Re: Scream
Post by: GentleSoul on July 12, 2019, 09:21:49 AM
I am sorry you have this going on.  It is absolutely infuriating.

Title: Re: Scream
Post by: lostsister on July 12, 2019, 01:09:32 PM
Thanks everyone.

I did NOT give in.  I did NOT give her the satisfaction of loosing it.
I am doing everything in my power to just ignore anything and everything.

You know it is funny.  She has totally ignored my parents and I for a good 3 years.  She told the parents 7 years  ago not to come to her house.  She never answers her phone when they have called.  She stopped all communication.  She hasn't seen or spoken to the parents in 3 years. 

What is she up to now?  She visits the parents while I am at work.  Calls and wants to come by.  She then calls to talk to me the next day - again when I should be at work...but just happen to be at dentist.  No calls to me since then.  But she does occasionally call the parents. 

But she sends a text message to me.....using my mother's initials.....to try to get a rise out of me and my mother.  It's about she just let her lie and not call her out on it.  When she gets no response from me, no phone call from my mother (which she expected one of both), 4 hours later she sends a message - sorry the previous text message was meant for someone else; know ya'll won't believe it....but it was work related.  So later....mischievous me sends a smiley face  and then later says sorry - that was meant for someone else.  I could not resist. 

It just amazes me what these people will do....how they come up with some of it...and how they have the time for it … and the time to even think it up.

I just wonder....why the contact after 3 years.  My mother and I think something is up.
Title: Re: Scream
Post by: WomanInterrupted on July 15, 2019, 04:07:49 AM
Good for you!   8-)

Do NOT give in!  That's what she wants - for you to wig out and lose your shit, scream like a lunatic and *she can be the victim!*  YOU'RE the abusive one!  You abused HER!  All she did was call and THAT was your reaction!?!  You're *unhinged* and are mentally unbalanced!   :dramaqueen:

Bonus points if she tells everybody you've got a drug and/or alcohol problem, too - without any proof.   :roll:

I feel for you - for *years* I used to react to unBPD Didi's moods (my alleged "mother") - and it only got me what I just described to you. I was the problem.  I was the unbalanced one.  I was unhinged.  I had anger issues.

UnNPD Ray (the so-called dad - and enabler) used to tell me, "You're killing your mother!"   :blink:

I wasn't allowed to have emotions.  Only THEY could.   :P

Unfortunately, all I'd learned about conflict resolution over the years was to act like THEM - scream!  Cry!  Pitch a fit!  Have a meltdown!  Be insulting and condescending!  Yell and act like a jerk!   :aaauuugh:

Basically, be a *bully* - and that really wasn't getting me too far in life, so the Toolbox helped me rethink *that* whole, "blow up" mindset and figure out how to actually resolve conflict, and be a decent human being, without acting like THAT or becoming overly-emotional or angry about molehills.   :)

There's no need to turn them into mountains.   :no:

If you go to the Toolbox, there's section on Medium Chill.  It was a godsend to me  - I didn't escalate the conversation.  I kept things light, neutral and airy, and above all, I didn't *react* with emotion - just fluffy white noise, like talking to a stranger at a bus stop, or in line at the grocery store.   :yes:

The first time I used Medium Chill on Didi, she actually *gasped* into the phone, took a moment, backtracked, tried shoving another problem at me and got MORE Medium Chill   - what would have been a 2-hour conversation (daily!) of me trying to solve her many and never-ending problems that she didn't really WANT solved or fixed, was over in less than 5 minutes, when she slammed the phone down on me.

I remember standing there with the phone in my hand and saying to nobody except our cats, "Oh my God, you mean that WORKED!?!?!?!!?"   :yahoo:

Yes, it DID - and Didi *hated* it.   :wacko:

But I really didn't care - my *boundaries* mattered more than her emotions.  Those were HERS to manage.  It wasn't my responsibility to care-take them or manage them, even though I'd been trained to do it since I was a baby.

I lowered contact (I was the designated caller), and stuck to Medium Chill - and she'd come at me with all the  tools in her arsenal - bored, lonely, sad, siiiiiiiiiiiick, dying, losing so much weight she's going to disappear, had a fight with Ray, again, some more, the world hates her, the neighbors are putting up "spite fences," nobody CARES, and "somebody" (me) needs to do her cooking, cleaning, and laundry, but nobody (me) is doing anything.   :dramaqueen: :bawl: :mad: :violin: :dramaqueen: :dramaqueen:

I Medium Chilled it all away, which frustrated the hell out of her, but liberated me because I got *angry* - not that I let her know it by my tone!   :ninja: - but after she was done slamming the phone down again (nearly every call ended this way), I'd either think or say, "Who the hell does she think she is?  Nobody died and made her God - or the Queen of the World."

I'd *detached.*  I was *angry* and world-weary at the same time, but I'd detached and was no longer AFRAID of the specter of my childhood - the primary abuser who was MUCH bigger than me.

She was now an old woman, in her 70's, had osteoporosis, couldn't drive, and relied heavily on a cane.

It helps to see your sister *as she really is, now*  - she's not the  child that seemed like a much larger monster, that used to bully you when you were young, and you had no escape.

You're both *adults*  - on equal footing.  If you saw her as  the Terminator T3000 Waif from "Game of Thrones" that went after Arya Stark, she is NOT that person anymore - and holds NO power over you except for her *words.*   :yes:

That's all she's got left - words to push your buttons.

And you've got the tools to not give her the satisfaction - and feel GOOD about  yourself.   8-)

You didn't stoop to her level, and probably never will again - with good, solid BOUNDARIES.   :sunny:

BTW, there's a book called, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, available at Amazon in many formats.  It won't help you with Medium Chill - but WILL teach you the things you *should* have been taught as a child, but weren't, because there were no responsible adults around - just your parents and sibs, all living in the same mess, and repeating it over and over again.   :stars:

Be STRONG.  Be *proud of yourself!*  You did NOT give in!   8-)

Work on *yourself* - it's a GREAT investment!   :)

Title: Re: Scream
Post by: lostsister on July 15, 2019, 11:42:23 AM

Anyone have any suggestions on getting over losing contact with your nephews because of your sister.  I have proof  that she has told them to have no contact (she accidentally sent me a text message meant for them to not reply to me). 

I've grieved.  I've screamed.  I've cried.  Etc.  Etc. Etc.

I cannot give the sister any 'hint' that it is killing me.  I have no children of my own.  The 2 boys were just like my own.  I did everything for and with them.

It's just so damn painful.  I just want to slap my sister into a different year.
Title: Re: Scream
Post by: Summer Sun on July 15, 2019, 01:08:54 PM
Lostsister, it is very painful to lose nephews and nieces whom are influenced and whose loyalties are with the parent.  I am in the same situation.  It hurts like hell when one has loved, invested, cared, shared, given a piece of heart and large portions of time to nephew’s who now treat us like we don’t exist.

Of course, we don’t know what they have been told.  Could be horror stories, slander, slurs, smear tactics.  And why would they disbelieve a parent?  Not many are mature enough or see clearly enough, to judge Aunty by what they have experienced rather than gossip, or not strong enough to stand up, perhaps may be FOG’d themselves.

IME, I have grieved the losses.  I will not chase others for relationship inclusive of nephews.  I will not JADE my NC to any FOO or extended family.  If we cannot have independent relationships based on individual experiences of one another and mutual respect, then why would I want a relationship with people who choose to believe the smears rather than what they know and have experienced of me?  Still, it is hurtful and hard to process.  It takes time to heal. 

Of interest, a couple nephews have reached out.  One was a nasty email which I did not respond to.  A couple others reached out, out of the blue, but were polite and kind.  I wasn’t sure if they were FM’s, but was polite, kind but held the cards close to my chest but open enough to see if anything further transpires.

You ask for suggestions.  Are there any other opportunities for you to connect with other kids?  Kids who may need and value your attention, time and affection?  Volunteering at kids camps, Big Sisters, face painting, Boys and Girls clubs, Sunday school, teaching something you excel at ie giving art classes?  Give what you need to receive.  Be the blessing you are.  While not the perfect solution of having your nephews close, it feels good to give in these ways.  IME, it is a gift you give yourself.

Sending warm hugs and wishes for strength, kindnesses and self care your way.

Summer Sun