Out of the FOG

Getting Started => The Welcome Mat => Topic started by: onefineday on July 12, 2019, 12:32:48 PM

Title: Trying to finally emotionally seperate from FOO
Post by: onefineday on July 12, 2019, 12:32:48 PM
Hi, Im new here, thought I should post.
After a long time in my life (too long), Im finally realising that although I've physically and financially separated from my FOO, I havent emotionally separated. I've only fairly recently learned to develop my own boundaries and self care tools, due to the bad upbringing and mental scars they caused me. So its a difficult path.

Im hoping to find others with stories to share so I can hopefully gain a little more wisdom and know Im not alone in going through this. While im looking for ways to broaden my life and support network, I currently dont have the one i'd like partly due to a lot of social anxiety (again, due to my upbringing), and partly due to finally realising that a lot of the 'friendships' I thought I had were just people being selfish or using me. Currently I had to deal with the loss of someone who mattered in my early years, and I was saddened further to see that not one of a specific group of people who I thought were 'friends' made any effort to offer condolences or even a message of support. It has led to me realising that that circle of 'friends' were nothing but.

So my life is in transition right now, and I hope that by coming here and meeting new people, I'll be setting off in a healthier direction.

Oh, by the way, you can call me OFD if its easier than 'OneFineDay'.
Title: Re: Trying to finally emotionally seperate from FOO
Post by: Penny Lane on July 12, 2019, 12:43:34 PM
Welcome! I'm glad you found us.

You are definitely not alone - I think as you start reading more on the forums you'll find tons of people whose stories are very similar to yours.

If you're looking for ways to better implement those boundaries, the tabs at the top and especially the toolbox (https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro/) are great resources.

A lot of people find that when they start coming Out of the FOG with their FOO, that they're seeing other relationships in a new light as well. It's very common to get used to toxic behavior patterns and end up with friends who share similarities with your family. I hope that the absence of these people in your life will leave room for new, more fulfilling relationships with people who have your best interests at heart.

Title: Re: Trying to finally emotionally seperate from FOO
Post by: Summer Sun on July 12, 2019, 05:35:02 PM
Onefineday, just wanted to add my welcome!  You are not alone in what you are going through.  As one comes OOTF, it is easier to see all relationships in the light. 

Many of us raised in dysfunctional, toxic environments by PD parents adopt survivor behaviours.  It is helpful to deepen one’s knowledge of PD traits, behaviours, and to learn about boundaries, but as well, IME, it is beneficial to learn about one’s own survivor traits and behaviours.  For example, I am a recovering codependent, these traits were developed in childhood, to cope, to survive;  well they no longer served me well as an adult.  As a people pleaser, fixer,  Rescuer, I did not know about the importance of reciprocity in relationships. 

Now, I do not do all the relational work of giving, caring, sharing nor do I rescue and do for others what they are capable of doing for themselves.  I wait for others expression and actions of care in return prior to investing myself too deeply emotionally.  Trust takes time to establish.  This process helps me to feel not only less used, but also, more empowered to be selective in choosing the right kind of healthy relationships. 

IME, you may experience the five stages of grief if you are letting go of FOO and those you thought were friends.  This is natural but may be helpful to familiarize yourself with the various stages.   

Be patient with yourself as you learn, as you transition.  Nurture yourself in ways you can. 


Summer Sun
Title: Re: Trying to finally emotionally seperate from FOO
Post by: treesgrowslowly on July 13, 2019, 12:34:34 PM
Hi onefineday,

I agree with everything shared here so far. I agree with you, it is a hard journey and I agree with summer sun that the emotions of the 5 stages of grief came up over and over as I separated emotionally after separating physically from the abusive relationship in my FOO.

What I can add to share is that for me, it was easy to find people to listen to but hard to find people to talk to.
As Summer Sun said here, our relationships need to be reciprocal. When I was coming OOTF, I kept taking on friends who didn't really listen to me. I kept thinking that THEIR generosity and reciprocity was 'just around the corner'.

Now I realize this was a codependent phase, one I needed to grow out of if I wanted better friendships. We find people and we are nice to them, and it is when we seek them out for support that they show their true colours. Fair weather people are not interested in rain or storms or even clouds. They really just want a sunny day every day. And they don't really care how they accomplish that. They seek out people who are good at accomodating them with THEIR goal of being accomodated.

My story is to see how being codependent enabled those people, and because life isn't actually one sunny day after another, these people put an enormous stress on me by insisting on a type of experience that doesn't actually exist in nature. They want what they want and what I need doesnt really matter to them.

It was hard to see this because not everyone is a PD. Some people are jist self absorbed. I'm going to say most people can be pretty self absorbed especially if they are stressed.

So many people want to leave the house without planning for rain or wind. Maybe they are tired, maybe they are selfish. These people love codependents who have not found our footing and boundaries yet. We direct our kindness towards them instead of ourselves. Because we did it in our FOO as children, we're very good at it.
But as you know, when you needed them after your recent loss, they were not there for you.

Recovering involves being kinder to yourself than they were. You can do this. And when you have a bad day, it will get easier the more self care you find for yourself. A lot of us here have stories to share with you about coming OOTF.

Each one of us is different, although traumatic family experiences have general effects of enmeshment, guilt and lack of assertiveness. What do you struggle with when you think about your goals for yourself? Some of us wish we could join a team sport others want the solitude to stay home and paint or draw. Your goals are yours, and they are unique to you. My goals are unique to me. As we recover we discover our goals, our vision for ourselves and we need patience and support while that part of us develops.

Having goals of our own, that are truly coming from our interests, can feel odd or overwhemling as we come OOTF. After childhood with an NPD parent, my goal was to make good friends. I like your post a lot because without the self care and boundaries you mention, I had a lot of one sided friendship experiences. You're on the right track for sure. With time and support I have learned how to be patient with potential new friends, and to keep people in that category for a while. I don't rush into helping them anymore.

Looking forward to hearing more from you. This community helps us all on our paths.

Title: Re: Trying to finally emotionally seperate from FOO
Post by: onefineday on July 14, 2019, 11:22:01 AM
Thanks for the welcome. A lot of what was written resonated with me. I've removed a few people from my social media as a result of recent things, and of recent realizations, and the words here helped quell some of my fears and self doubts about moving forward. Im encouraged by what I've seen so far of this forum. Its good to find others to talk about some these things with.  Looking forward to discovering more. Any recommendations for areas to check out in particular?