I was taught that that was a petty way to behave so I avoided. Instead, opting for those "open, hoenst" dialogues, gaining agreement ..... yuo know negotiating for a fair solution.
Now that I see how life is easier when negotiating through actions, I may not go back.
I was on the bus a couple of days ago when a woman was playing something from her phone. Intead of asking her to use earphones, turn it down or just plain wait, I just started playing music on mine without earphones. Of ocurse, I thought about the other passengers, but apparently the other woman did not.
It worked like a charm. She put her offending toy away.
But it's funny how you have to think about doing this stuff. I'm sure many people don't even give it a second thought.
That only seems to work with normal people. When I tried it with my NPDh he just upped his game. Whatever I tried, he found a worse response.
Unfortunately my pds do this a lot and it's really hard not to be drawn into it.
A simple request by me for a change of time for a pickup can actually be a leap into a rabbit hole of tit for tat. It's one of their manipulation tactics.
I will write more later when I have time.
AOD
Unfortunately we sometimes have to go the merry go round of tit for tat in order to get something that we or our children need.
I admit though that I recently made a request of uNPD exH that I didn't really need or expect, knowing that it would lead to him doing the whole non sensical tit for tat thing.
What I requested was a normal, fair and reasonable thing that would not become an issue with a non. And it was something that I would not usually request of uNPD exH as I know the drama that would ensue. I normally would just let it go and give up what was rightly mine.
But I needed an up do date example of his tit for tat, circular behaviour to show to a court psychologist.
He fell for it. And the outcome actually worked out as the best solution for ds12, even though uNPD exH thinks he "won".
I don't recommend doing what I did though. Who needs the drama? Certainly I don't want it and the less drama there is the better for ds.
AOD
What happened exactly in this exchange?
I've also found that doing tit-for-tat with PDs only works if you can plan it out in your head ahead of time, being spur of the moment doesn't seem to. I don't think they recognize it for what it is. They think you're just being a jerk, and how dare you!
I did this often in the early years of my marriage. When uBPDh would do something hurtful and the laugh off my attempts at a conversation, I would think that he really didn't understand how he'd hurt me. Maybe a taste of his own medicine would help. I quickly learned that he will always "win" in this situation as he has no compunction about being very hurtful with his words.
I've never considered using this as means to an end. Not sure that I'm clever enough to pull that off.
My ex-H is not always honest or forthcoming about factual matters. I pride myself on being very truthful. One time, I made the mistake of using the word "always" or "never" in a conversation with him about something that had happened in the house that I thought he might have contributed to. I can't remember which was the word I used; but both are absolute terms and there are few things in life that are always or never. Anyway, out of all the things I said, ex-H seized on my use of the offensive absolute term and that became the focus of the rest of the conversation. So, in this situation, even an unintentional tit for tat (I accidentally exaggerated) didn't turn out well for me.