Out of the FOG

The Other Sides of Us => Book Reviews => Topic started by: BigBird on September 09, 2019, 02:14:34 AM

Title: Low Self Esteem Help books for NPD women. Is there such a thing?
Post by: BigBird on September 09, 2019, 02:14:34 AM
I have a question?
If my 32 year old daughter really does have NPD that would mean at the heart of the problem she is suffering from low self esteem.  Right?
Would it be possible for her to somehow improve by getting a hold of a good book that helps with Low Self Esteem?
And if so, has anyone out there found such a book that would be tailored more for an NPD woman.
Thank you
Title: Re: Low Self Esteem Help books for NPD women. Is there such a thing?
Post by: notrightinthehead on September 09, 2019, 03:56:06 AM
Welcome! Although there is an abundance of self help books out there, I have not come across one that specifically focusses on self esteem issues of people with narcissistic personality disorders. I am also not sure if low self esteem = NPD.
On this site we try to find support when we have loved ones who suffer with a personality disorder - be that in the form of changing our behaviour towards them, or venting, or discussing how to deal with situations, and finding better ways to handle ourselves.
Read through the PERSONALITY DISORDERS tab for more information on the different personality disorders and the TOOLBOX tab for strategies to deal with behaviour you might encounter. As you suspect your daughter to suffer with NPD, you might find the Parent's Discussion and the Non-PD dad's forum good boards to read around on.
Once again, welcome! See you around on the boards.
Title: Re: Low Self Esteem Help books for NPD women. Is there such a thing?
Post by: BigBird on September 16, 2019, 12:23:50 AM
Title: Re: Low Self Esteem Help books for NPD women. Is there such a thing?
Post by: Call Me Cordelia on September 16, 2019, 12:44:59 AM

Honestly, if such a book we’re written it wouldn’t sell. A huge part of narcissism is denial. If your daughter does have NPD, it would be extremely rare for her to a) accept there is anything wrong with her at all b) acknowledge she has anything but great self esteem (My narcissistic MIL used to go on and on about how great her self-esteem was, but lost her mind if I didn’t agree with her on anything.) c) she needs help with something so intrinsic to herself and d) follow through in a meaningful way to make lasting changes. If she were capable of all that, she probably does not have NPD in the first place.

Notrightinthehead rightly speaks of what we can do, ourselves, to deal with difficult behaviors. You ask could your daughter improve with the right resource. Maybe, theoretically. But that would be entirely up to her desire to change herself. I think that’s really the key factor for anyone, PD or not. Best wishes.
Title: Re: Low Self Esteem Help books for NPD women. Is there such a thing?
Post by: treesgrowslowly on September 21, 2019, 02:13:27 PM
I agree with what Call me Cordelia and notrightinthehead posted.

NPD involves a lack of empathy and a sense of entitlement.

So...regarding the question about books for NPD self help. Well, When my NPD mother read self help books, which she did consistently, she could perform the suggestions in the book in a superficial way.

 So that strangers and casual observers might think she "gets it".

Every new book she found was folloeed by a few weeks or a month of her talking in her newly found lingo and her excited that she was now "cured" and has found a book that described her perfectly.

Others may recognize this for what it really was for her with me...her love bombing me because I had run away after the last cycle of this drama of hers.

Listen to her longer than a few minutes or observe her over a few days and weeks and I would see over and over that the lack of empathy and sense of entitlement remained.

The lack of empathy and sense of entitlement was Strong as ever now that she was armed with new lingo about how good she was being (at whatever that particular book was about). And how entitled she was ( to more access to me ) because she now had "good self esteem" or whatever it was the book told her involved 5 steps.

The core of NPD is the lack of a stable self that includes empathy and identity. Esteem is built on identity not the other way around.

As someone raised by an NPD I feel I suffered from the reality of NPD. I know what was needed and it wasnt a self help book.  My uNPDm would need to find therapy that finds some way of addressing the lack of empathy and the reality of not having a stable identity that is rooted in esteem.

She appeared to live her life detached from the shame that exists but never gets expressed.  And my mother is not capable of becoming aware of what drives her narcissism. It's a terrible condition. Imagine something invisible to you,  makes you act as if you are a good parent and you believe you are a great parent. Its a delusional person I was raised by. And I needed a mother so I did everything i could to make her less deluded. And nothing I did worked. And she read lots of self help books. That is what I have been through.

 It was heartbreaking but I have to be honest here so that others like me know they are not alone in this. All my energy goes into healing myself now. 

I wish we had therapists who discovered the treatment for it. Then I'd have a mother.