Am NC with PD abusive parents.
Broke 3 year NC with GC Sib (also probably a narc as well) purely out of curiosity to see if anything was salvageable.
I purposely brought up my NC with parents to see how GC Sib would react.
I don't need any more proof now. GC Sib is a flying monkey who wants to stay "neutral" and is an expert at trying to change the subject. Just like my ED (egg donor, do we use that here?). So highly triggering.
None of these people have my address, btw and are a plane ride away. Thank goodness. Contact was through an alternate phone number.
Now GC Sib tries to contact me like everything is fine. I am not sure whether I even want to tell sib why I can't continue this relationship (I don't wanna risk JADE), or if I should just ignore any attempts.
What are your thoughts?
I can relate here and hope my story can help shed some light on your situation. I also reopened the communications with my siblings and they reacted differently. The one who resembles your sister here seemed to have acknowledged that her behaviours had been unacceptable and showed some signs of improvement. It was hard to tell if it was only manipulation to resume the relationship exactly as it were. That's what ended up happening. I felt extremely uncomfortable with them trying to rush things and communicate with me frequently, wanting to meet and be wholly involved in my life again. I tried the "now is not a good time" angle. Despite that, they kept trying to move closer at a pace and frequency that was uncomfortable for me. I saw it as a form of rug sweeping and realised I was repeating old patterns: they act cruelly, I accept apology and forgive them, think they won't do it again, and forget the past until WHAM, another hit. I recognized this and didn't wait for it to get to the wham. I perceived their push for closeness right away, on their terms, as something that was going against my boundaries. I put a stop to it by being truthful, jading yes, but nonetheless trying to figure out how to cope. I expressed that I felt uncomfortable because I felt they were trying to resume the relationship exactly as it were before and that though I appreciated their apology, their behaviour still left scars. I asked them for more space, and said I loved them.
They did not write back but have taken to posting passive aggressive posts on social media, playing the victim. A Hoover to me, and a victim card to the world. It made me so sad and angry. It helped me to recognize that I was being manipulated and wrote about my feelings, cried, got angry, and wrote about what I would have responded to someone who had written the same thing to me. I wrote out how I wished my sibling would respond. This gave me some clarity, and work through the pain instead of letting seeds of FOG start to work their voodoo.
So maybe you can look at why it makes you feel uncomfortable, use it as an opportunity to identify and establish your boundaries, put yourself first and stay true to yourself.
I hope this helps.
Quote from: lotusblume on September 12, 2019, 01:33:34 PM
I can relate here and hope my story can help shed some light on your situation. I also reopened the communications with my siblings and they reacted differently. The one who resembles your sister here seemed to have acknowledged that her behaviours had been unacceptable and showed some signs of improvement. It was hard to tell if it was only manipulation to resume the relationship exactly as it were. That's what ended up happening. I felt extremely uncomfortable with them trying to rush things and communicate with me frequently, wanting to meet and be wholly involved in my life again. I tried the "now is not a good time" angle. Despite that, they kept trying to move closer at a pace and frequency that was uncomfortable for me. I saw it as a form of rug sweeping and realised I was repeating old patterns: they act cruelly, I accept apology and forgive them, think they won't do it again, and forget the past until WHAM, another hit. I recognized this and didn't wait for it to get to the wham. I perceived their push for closeness right away, on their terms, as something that was going against my boundaries. I put a stop to it by being truthful, jading yes, but nonetheless trying to figure out how to cope. I expressed that I felt uncomfortable because I felt they were trying to resume the relationship exactly as it were before and that though I appreciated their apology, their behaviour still left scars. I asked them for more space, and said I loved them.
They did not write back but have taken to posting passive aggressive posts on social media, playing the victim. A Hoover to me, and a victim card to the world. It made me so sad and angry. It helped me to recognize that I was being manipulated and wrote about my feelings, cried, got angry, and wrote about what I would have responded to someone who had written the same thing to me. I wrote out how I wished my sibling would respond. This gave me some clarity, and work through the pain instead of letting seeds of FOG start to work their voodoo.
So maybe you can look at why it makes you feel uncomfortable, use it as an opportunity to identify and establish your boundaries, put yourself first and stay true to yourself.
I hope this helps.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, Lotus. How infuriating re your sister's behavior. Sounds like it's straight out of the pd playbook. Never try and see where you went wrong, just blame and shame the other person!! Your coping mechanisms sound really healthy and helpful, though, and I'm glad you were able to clearly recognize the toxic behavior.
You also focused on the main trigger here (thank you!), the one that I failed to express: they think they can resume the relationship as if nothing happened, trapping us in yet another rugsweeping, gaslighting scenario/cycle.
But I'm not the MintStripes I once was! I've worked too hard to go backwards. None of my FOO even have my real phone number! That should tell you something... I'm not letting them back in, only to trample on the peace I've built.
I actually told GC sib a long time ago, that I could not see us having a relationship due to the fact that I didn't feel I was being heard, and didn't trust that whatever we talked about wouldn't make it back to our parents (who, of course, GC sib still maintains a relationship with). So, even after me setting boundaries and explaining my concerns, I am still being given the gaslighting/rugsweeping treatment. There is no such thing as neutral. If you're not coming out and condemning my abusers, you are part of the problem.
Of course this is all typical in abusive families: don't talk about it! The one who shines a light on their abuse (me) is ostracized.
Also, the most telling thing to me in my most recent interaction with GC sib was talk of possibly meeting up in my city in July. Turns out GC Sib was apparently dating someone new in my state (?!) and was going to bring the date along! Um. No thank you. We literally have not seen each other, much less spoken, in FOUR years and you are trying to ambush me with a person I don't know? As if I am supposed to sit, make small talk and pretend the family is normal? Maybe that's the point, to provide a "buffer". No way, I'll pass. I am not enabling that and I am not giving my precious time and energy to that. I'm a single mom with limited resources. I'm not spending my hard earned time off and money on a babysitter so my narcy GC Sib can trigger me all over again!