Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members => Topic started by: biggerfish on September 20, 2019, 08:49:08 PM

Title: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: biggerfish on September 20, 2019, 08:49:08 PM
Hi all. Its been a while since I've posted. My uPDm passed away yesterday morning after only a week in hospice. God rest her soul. I wondered how i would feel or think, but now that I'm here, I see that I'm indifferent.

And relieved. I was taking care of her for a decade. All the while, she was mean and manipulative. I wouldn't have survived mentally without this message board. Incredibly, with the help of folks here, i was able to validate the relationships my siblings had with her, which was more positive. They don't know how bad it was for me, and now I feel as though telling them is kinda optional.

I think what I'm looking for here is just to be heard and understood, and maybe some positive feedback. Thanks.
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: Andeza on September 20, 2019, 09:15:00 PM
Hi biggerfish, you've done amazingly well. I'm sorry that you've had to face this difficult situation. But  despite that, you've made it through, you got out the other side with your sanity. More than that even, you've grown as an individual along the way. I'd call it more than surviving, I think you managed to thrive in the face of adversity.

Sending you hopes for rest, happiness, recovery if need be, and time to reflect on yourself as this starts a new chapter in your life. There is no rush. Take time just to be you for a while, while the proverbial dust settles.
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: SerenityCat on September 20, 2019, 09:15:52 PM
Condolences :hug:  I hear you and I think that I understand.

I understand feeling indifferent and relieved.

I hope that you allow yourself to enjoy the relief.
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: Free2Bme on September 20, 2019, 09:21:44 PM
biggerfish,
Iím sorry, I can imagine this is very difficult.  I think indifference and relief are understandable, and even expected considering what you have experienced with your mother. 

I would encourage you to show much care and grace towards yourself in the coming weeks as you process what has happened. 
Not to sound trite, but maybe journal thoughts/feelings for a time.  So you can look back and see your progress.  Guard your heart and mind from any kind of self blame. 
Press into your healthy relationships and/or faith. 
Wishing you comfort and peace
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: biggerfish on September 21, 2019, 07:18:26 AM
Wow, these replies were each like a warm hug this morning. What a nice way to start the day. I will take everyone's advice and be kind to myself, reflect, and avoid any self-blame.

And Andeza, you are right. I did thrive and grow.

Hugs to all of you
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: SunnyMeadow on September 21, 2019, 12:28:51 PM
I see feeling indifferent and relieved as a big positive. I'm glad you are feeling that way instead of feeling guilt or deep sadness. After looking after your mother for a decade, no wonder you're relieved!

Now you can focus on you, your interests, wants and hobbies. Big hugs to you biggerfish  :hug:
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: Andeza on September 21, 2019, 01:08:55 PM
Hugs to you as well :bighug: Remember we're rooting for you.
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: Bloomie on September 21, 2019, 01:53:09 PM
biggerfish - I am one who has been encouraged and supported by you in my own healing journey here on OOTF. You have found a way through using strategies and through self reflection and growth that I admire. When my own uPD parents died I was numb, relieved, sad and eventually at peace. It is beautiful that you have been able to validate your siblings relationships with your mother while honoring your own very different experiences as well.

Strength and peace to you in the coming days! :hug:
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: Amadahy on September 21, 2019, 08:05:05 PM
Aw, Biggerfish. Massive hugs and cheers to your healthy coping. May you dwell in joy and peace.
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: WomanInterrupted on September 22, 2019, 02:06:26 AM
Strength and peace, Biggerfish.  :bighug:

I'm glad we have this place to talk about that feeling of relief - and indifference. 

People in the real world just don't understand and it's not even worth trying to explain it to them, because they're *not* going to get it.  Their experiences differ too much from our own for them to understand  how anybody would feel indifferent or relieved at the loss of a loved one or parent.

But here, we DO understand - I was relieved after unBPD Didi died and indifferent  - well, that's a bit subtle.  I actually did a happy dance around the living room, knowing we were FREE.  :yahoo:

Then I quickly moved into indifference, and couldn't be bothered to go to the wake or funeral.  I told unNPD Ray I was "overcome" with emotions - just not the ones he thought.   :sly:

If you want to miss those, it's perfectly understandable.  You have your own reasons, but mine were mainly that I didn't want to have to PERFORM by playing at being fake sad, because that's what's expected - and I also didn't want to accidentally start burst out laughing when people spoke about how kind, loving and generous Didi was - again, because it's expected.  :stars:

Nobody would dare speak the truth, because it was so damned ugly - but word DID get out, a few years later.  I made sure of that - I wanted the neighbors to know it was *never* them - and all on unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray.  :yes:

Some people have remembrance ceremonies, or other small ceremonies, in their own way, for only themselves and those close to them - and that's perfectly fine.

I chose to do nothing but go about my Thursday, like it was just another Thursday.  I remember opening the drapes to a clear, beautiful, sunny day - but had to shut them again, right away, because the temperature was -10!  :aaauuugh:

Even that didn't seem so bad.  :)

Take care of yourself and treat yourself kindly.  Ignore anybody who tells you what you "should" be doing and how you "should" grieve.  They didn't walk in your shoes and weren't there.  They have no idea what it's like to be you, therefore have NO say.  :no:

I think you'll get used to The New Normal pretty quickly - and enjoy the *silence* that comes with, where every waking moment isn't filled with incessant, banal chatter about nothing, just to take up space.

When it was finally gone, I didn't miss it, at all - and never will.

You'll continue to thrive and grow, and get the best revenge of all:  happiness and a live well-lived.  8-)

 :hug:
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: biggerfish on September 22, 2019, 08:43:08 PM
I want you all to know that i soaked up all your wise and caring words and it's really true...life will get better from here, and I'm ready for that.

Thank you for all the love.
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: moglow on September 23, 2019, 03:55:45 PM
Biggerfish, I'd just like to offer my condolences - and my pleasure that you're finding peace and comfort. Few outside these walls understand where we are, much less the pain that brought us to this place. Ordinarily I don't wish anyone indifference but here? Yes, it's a good thing in that it's a remove from turmoil and pain.
Wishing you MORE peace and sending you hugs when you need em.
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: practical on September 23, 2019, 07:03:29 PM
I'm sorry for your loss - the chance to ever have a loving mother in your life. Feeling indifferent - you might have done all the grieving for the loss of a loving mother long before her death as part of your OOTF journey. For me it turned out there was a some grieving left, after all her affairs were taken care of and things settled back to a quiet pace, I did mourn the finality. So don't be surprised if you feel sadness at some point over your loss, over the finality of it.

You did amazingly well how you managed to maintain your own values in dealing with her, in making sure you stay healthy and sane. And you did a particularly amazing job in taking care of yourself and your family.

You have been a great support for me with your insights and empathy. Thank you!

:bighug:
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: xredshoesx on September 23, 2019, 08:45:21 PM
thinking of you biggerfish.  may you find some peace in the coming days. 
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: Free2Bme on September 24, 2019, 01:08:51 AM
bf,
We are all given the same 24 hour day, every day.  It is no different for PD's.  We all get to decide how we will spend the gift of time.  Some people chose to spend their days consumed with destructive behaviors.  Others choose the better part and live a life with meaning, a life well lived.  You have chosen the better part.

I hope you can work through any remaining grief for yourself and the loss of having closeness with your mother. I also know that funeral arrangements/procedures/family can be really draining.  Praying this will all flow smoothly for you.  Hugs.
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: biggerfish on September 24, 2019, 10:53:36 AM
Wow...I keep getting love-bombed. So many affirmations here for me, and I am soaking it up. I'd love to reply to each of you, but there are too many of you. Suffice it to say that each one of you has touched my heart.

And on the topic of funerals, I drew the line there. I simply cannot do it all, and I have no interest in being the good girl and making everybody happy. What I provided for eleven years is excellent custodial care.

So I told my siblings there would be no funeral. Shock was quickly followed by the realization that they don't want to arrange one either. LOL. And then silence. I think they "get it." Sometimes it's not until we draw a line that someone realizes how much we've already done. Drawing a line creates respect.

I'm okay. All of you here, plus a handful of wonderful people in my church and a few family members, have shown me myself in this past week, and I am happy with what I see.

I'm not grieving anything. My life has been filled for so long with people who love and cherish me (relationships of my creation) that there are no holes.  Instead, I am simply exhaling, because the project of being in charge of every aspect of her care at her Assisted Living grew year by year for eleven years.   There's still more financial work to do, which will probably not end until around Christmas. But just knowing we're in the wrap-up phase is a relief.

I have this advice for the world -- only take on being Power of Attorney, Executor, Health Proxy, and personal accountant for someone you are excited to take care of.
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: Adria on September 24, 2019, 12:21:29 PM
Biggerfish,   :bighug:
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: Gaining Clarity on September 25, 2019, 01:30:22 PM
Condolences and hugs to you, Biggerfish  :bighug:

You have done everything humanly possible to rise above the treatment you received. It takes a very special, highly empathetic and incredibly strong person to do as you did.

Give yourself the same loving care, support and encouragement you've given others (present company included). You deserve peace and happiness.
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: Zebrastriped on September 29, 2019, 05:51:51 PM
Biggerfish, you are heard and understood.  You called it indifference, I labeled it 'comfortably numb.'  There didn't seem to be any much grief to work through, just trying not to feel guilty about the relief of the constant uproar vanishing from my life.  I said nothing to no one about the relief, because then there would have been uproar.

Comfort and peace to you in this new chapter of your life.
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: biggerfish on September 30, 2019, 11:02:17 PM
Biggerfish, you are heard and understood.  You called it indifference, I labeled it 'comfortably numb.'  There didn't seem to be any much grief to work through, just trying not to feel guilty about the relief of the constant uproar vanishing from my life.  I said nothing to no one about the relief, because then there would have been uproar.

Comfort and peace to you in this new chapter of your life.
I love this. It made me smile
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: Mrsdubs on November 11, 2019, 09:19:22 AM
-My mom passed away less than 3 months ago. It was rough taking care of her after my dad died. She just kept saying she wanted to live with me but was just mean to me and angry that my dad left her, she was 90 and dementia was settling in. She refused to do any financial planning years earlier since it was ďherĒ money and we canít touch it. So when she couldnít take care of herself alone, we sold her house on the fly and she had to go in to a home with 24 hour care. I felt guilty for a while not letting her live with me, but the alternative might have given me a breakdown.
So.. when she died I refused to have a real funeral. It was 15 of us graveside. I did not sit Shiva in my religion. I felt the same as some of you. I was tired of putting on the I Care act. I was relieved. She was pretty awful to me most of my life, I feel free.
And yet, I am an orphan at 51, itís weird.
But..I am now focusing again on a career, and spending quality non guilt time with my family instead of my mom.
This group is so understanding, and itís nice not to be judged. My friends really try to understand but donít. So thanks to you all.
Title: Re: She passed away yesterday morning
Post by: SunnyMeadow on November 11, 2019, 12:54:55 PM
-My mom passed away less than 3 months ago. It was rough taking care of her after my dad died. She just kept saying she wanted to live with me but was just mean to me and angry that my dad left her, she was 90 and dementia was settling in. She refused to do any financial planning years earlier since it was ďherĒ money and we canít touch it. So when she couldnít take care of herself alone, we sold her house on the fly and she had to go in to a home with 24 hour care. I felt guilty for a while not letting her live with me, but the alternative might have given me a breakdown.

Thank goodness you didn't give in to your guilt! That would have been disastrous! I can't handle a 2 hour visit with my uNPDmom never mind having her live with me and with medical issues? No way.

Quote
So.. when she died I refused to have a real funeral. It was 15 of us graveside. I did not sit Shiva in my religion. I felt the same as some of you. I was tired of putting on the I Care act. I was relieved. She was pretty awful to me most of my life, I feel free.
And yet, I am an orphan at 51, itís weird.

I feel the same, I won't be having a funeral for my mom. No one would come. She hasn't been nice to anyone so why bother.

Quote
But..I am now focusing again on a career, and spending quality non guilt time with my family instead of my mom.
This group is so understanding, and itís nice not to be judged. My friends really try to understand but donít. So thanks to you all.

It is nice not to be judged. Welcome to the forums!  :heythere: