Out of the FOG

Dear friends

Some sad news. My lovely mother passed away yesterday evening at home with only me by her side. She was 92 years young. It was all so peaceful and beautiful. She just calmly and quietly slipped away. She had been refusing food and drink for many days.

My family took advice and didn't want her to go to hospital and have any aggressive interventions. My uBPD/uNPD sister wanted her to go there and have saline drips. She wanted private doctors and nurses to treat her at home. The NHS doctors and hospice nurses kept gently repeating the phrase about "doing what was in my mother's best interests". She was living with Alzheimer's disease for many years. Since being diagnosed with pneumonia in January this year she was unable to walk and was doubly incontinent. She never ever complained or got upset. She lived with such dignity. She was always so funny and kind.

My sister only visited her about six times this year. She lives nearby. I could say more about my sister's behaviour but would rather be thinking about my mother at this time. I've been talking about my sister a lot over recent days. She's said so many deeply hurtful things that I've had to just let them all go and not react to them all. I'm so used to all the abuse and don't react but when I tell other people they are shocked by what she has said.

I could say so much more but am so tired.

Best wishes to you all.

Much love.

Guitarman XXX

I'm so sorry for your loss, Guitarman. Hold your sweet memories of your mother and do whatever you need to say goodbye.

There are never adequate words but know that we're here with you.

I am sorry for your loss.

Guitarman, I am sorry for your loss. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like a wonderful, warm, loving person. Staying with thoughts of her rather than letting your sisters abuse enter your world at this time seems a very wise and healthy decision and a way to assure space for your own feelings.

Guitarman what a beautiful tribute to your mother. How wonderful that you were able to be at her side. Strength and comfort to you in the coming days.

Guitarman,

I am so sorry for your loss. She sounded like a beautiful woman. Hugs to you, Adria

My condolences Guitarman.

I am sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss. What a gift for your mom, to be able to pass peacefully at home. As a nurse, I can say that being in a hospital with all the 'interventions' is seldom in the best interests of an elderly, terminally ill person. Your mom sounds like a beautiful human being.

Thank you for all your kind messages.

I had to call my uBPD/uNPD sister this evening. She's not called me. We need to make decisions about the funeral. Why did I think that she would ever change? I had this thought that she would just go along with what was decided. She said things that I didn't react to. I stayed calm. She was talking about how ill she is and that I don't care.

I'm so tired I've been calling people all day and evening and tracking down long lost relatives that I haven't seen for years. It's been lovely to catch up with them.

We've got to make a decision tomorrow about something so we'll have to go ahead whether she likes what has been chosen, or not. Otherwise it will be too late.

What should be a calm, reflective, supporting time could turn into a total stressful disaster. Why did I think it would be any different?!

I'm staying calm but she can provoke me to anger if I'm not careful. X

My condolences.  Wishing you peace as you pay tribute to your mother.

GM:

I'm so sorry to hear your lovely mother passed. 

Adjust your expectations regarding your sister, and honor your mother the way you need to.   It's sad that your sister can rob you of the joyful memories and celebration of your mother's life.  I hope you can find a way to limit her ability to get inside your head. 

Good luck planning the service.   If you still have things to say to your mother, I always find letter writing to be very cathartic.  I tuck the letter, and photos in with my loved one, and it brings much comfort. 

I'm so sorry about your mom, Guitarman.

Do whatever you need to do in regard to your mom's funeral - don't worry about your sister.  If she can't behave like a civilized human being, she gets no say, and nobody to communicate with.

Have the funeral you know your mom would like, and you can live with.  If your sister wants to make it about her, that's just too bad.

With luck, she won't show up, being so "ill" and all.  I think that would be for the best - those who attend can pay their respects, in peace, without having to deal with whatever show your sister wants to put on.

Don't hold off on decisions because your sister is acting like a flake -make them, and be *proud* of how far you've come!   :yes:

After the funeral, I suggest you block your sister's number - she'll probably still be "ill"  and the only thing that will cure her is going through your mom's stuff, looking for items to sell - and hoping to get her toe back in your door.

They know when we're at our most vulnerable, which is why you have to be on your guard - and toes - not only do you want to prevent her from creating chaos, but prevent her from getting into your head, too.

Again, I'm so sorry.

:hug:

Thinking of you Guitarman. I'm sorry for your loss.

Hi Guitarman
I am sorry to hear your sad news.
Your mother sounds like a wonderful person, and she was blessed to have you by her side, fulfilling her last wishes. That is awesome.
The grief will last, and your love for her will not be diminished by your sister's actions.
Sending my love
H

sending you my deepest condolences and hopes that you and your loved ones find peace in the wonderful memories of her. 

Guitarman,

I am so sorry that you went through this but I am sooooo glad you were by her side. Take some time for yourself. Good for you for just letting your sister alone. No reason to get into it. Your pain grief and what you are going through are more important than anything. Hugs.

My heart hurts for you - I'm so very sorry for your loss and the added pain having to deal with your sibling on this level. Stay strong and focused, for your own self and in your mother's honor.

It's been a week since my mother passed away. It really hasn't hit me yet. Everything is a bit surreal. My feelings are all over the place mainly acceptance but regret, sadness, loss and love for my mother. I think she had just had enough and wasn't eating or drinking any more.

We've got the funeral to plan. We had a meeting with the celebrant today. My sister wasn't going to come but turned up. She was talking a lot about herself and I think even followed the celebrant outside to chat him up! She behaved herself for the most part but had a swearing outburst at our brother at one point when it was just the family.

I've been staying with a brother and his family which has been good but back home now.

I'll miss all my mother's regular carers as I got to know them over a long time. That has all come to an end.

Some places have offered me bereavement counselling so I may take them up on that.

Thank you for all your touching messages. X

Guitarman, I have been off the forum for a good while, but just checked in today and saw your news. I am so sorry. I lost my father almost a year ago to Alzheimer's, and it is a monstrous disease. I am still trying to wrap my head around his loss: I miss him terribly, but I am grateful that he is no longer suffering, too. And then I feel guilty for feeling grateful. It's a process.

I hope your service goes well. I would enlist your siblings or a close friend to be my lookup and provide a buffer just in case Sister decides to confront you in any way.

You were such a loving son to your mother, and that is something that should sustain you in the coming days.

Dear guitarman I'm so sorry I missed this when you first posted.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Those words you wrote about your mum show what a lovely woman and mum she was.
I do hope your sister doesn't cause you any  pain during this very sad time. 
Thoughts with you.🙏🏻

I didn't know your mother, Guitarman,  but the choice to stop participating in life, after years of living in decline, can be a very brave one, IME. 

I have children, and I understand the desire to end one's own suffering, and suffering reflected in the eyes of beloved children.

Your mother isn't suffering any longer. 
She's at peace.
I hope you feel her near you, restored, and smiling, because death is a natural part of living... it's not the end, IME.   
   

This too shall pass, ((GM and family.))

Thank you all for your kind words. My mother's funeral is tomorrow morning. It's gone midnight and I'm still awake. I don't want tomorrow to come. I expect I'll be awake all night.

I left a message on my sister's answerphone telling her at what time to arrive at the home from where the hearse and cars will be leaving. There is a place for her in the limousine. She's said before that she might not come. She said that when our father passed away but turned up at his funeral.

This is all so painful. I'm a complete mess. I felt I was going to collapse earlier but feel better now. I've got most things ready just got to iron my white shirt. I've been putting photos I had printed out from my phone into an album. So many happy memories of my mother.

Best wishes

Guitarman X

Sending you thoughts for strength and peace.

Thinking of you today, Guitarman. I remember those sleepless restless nights, snag a nap or some quiet time when you can. Every little bit helps.

Know that you're not alone - we're here with you, if only in spirit.

My sister behaved herself at our mother's funeral today. There were no outbursts. She gave a glowing tribute to our mother.

It was a beautiful sunny day and a beautiful service with lots of moving music.

I can't believe what has happened to our lovely mother. Although she was very frail and elderly it was all a shock. I thought that she had turned a corner and would overcome a recent illness but she wasn't strong enough.

I'm too tired to write any more. Thank you for all your support and understanding.

Best wishes

Guitarman X

Bless you guitarman. I hope you are okay. Thinking of you xx🙏🏻🌼

Hi Guitarman  :wave:;

So sorry to hear about your Mother's passing.  I imagine this is a huge life change for you.  I've been gone from this forum for awhile, but do remember that we had a similar situation with a NP sister and enmeshed Mother.  I wonder for you how your regular every day thinking is now that you no longer have that dynamic?  As you were her caretaker, it would make sense if you got some counseling, so hope you do take them up on that offer.

:hug: to you

 I'm very sorry your Mom has passed, Guitarman.  So glad that your final moments with her were peaceful and gentle. I hope you are able to get some rest while grieving and are good to yourself while adjusting to the loss and change.  I can imagine how proud and grateful your Mother must have been to have a kind and loving son.

My uBPD/uNPD sister called me today just to tell me all her problems. I've not heard from her for maybe a week.

She told me that she is coughing up blood, her heating isn't working, she hasn't got money and is going to a food bank. She said that she won't survive until Christmas.

I didn't say much I just listened. I'm not feeling at all well myself grieving about our mother. She never mentioned her.

I stayed calm but I really felt like shouting at her. Now I'm upset with myself for feeling like that. Now all the adrenaline has kicked in, being on alert again. She rang back but I didn't answer. I'm in no mood to listen to all her anger and misery.

It's the same old waif story. She has to blame someone for all her problems. Usually it's me. She needs professional help. She's never going to change and I can't change her. X

You "stayed calm but I really felt like shouting at her. Now I'm upset with myself for feeling like that." Please don't do this to yourself. You have every right to listen to your gut anger at such unhealthy boundaryless behavior. That wanting to shout is just good anger that's signaling you to her boundary stomping behavior. Listen to your gut and continue to protect yourself by laying low and not answering calls. You're not obligated to subscribe to her drama. You need space to grieve.

Thanks Spring Butterfly. You are right. I'm feeling very fragile and vulnerable at the moment. I'm not in any state yet to even listen to my sister. I have to be fully alert whenever I talk to her. I have to be so careful about what I say and how I say it. She was determined to push all my buttons with her all problems. I didn't let her and stayed calm.

In total contrast I had a lovely call from a cousin in Australia who was so loving and kind. There are really nice, genuine people in this world who don't think about themselves first and who don't want to hurt and abuse people. It's easy to begin to think that everyone is like my sister when, of course, they are not.

X

Please don't be angry with yourself!
You did really well by not getting sucked into the pattern of conflict.
She rang you back for a second try at it! Well done not picking up!
They make us feel angry 😡. That's normal.
But it will pass.
Adrenaline quietens, and you've done the right thing. Let it quieten, and please don't turn it inward on yourself. Go for a walk instead. That's what I do.
But it all reminds us how dysfunctional they are. We feel upset because we haven't a  normal sibling relationship. When we act as if they ARE normal and are loving and supportive to them, they exploit and wound.
us. Then we blame ourselves!
Well I don't, any more. Don't you do it either.

Can you screen her calls? I think her calls are   seriously damaging to your self -esteem.
Bin them, and just take and enjoy  the healthy relationships, as with your lovely cousin .We're only here once ( unless you're a Buddhist!) Enjoy your life, be conflict free.
You've stopped giving her money. That's great. Please now stop giving her your ears, because by doing that she's able to poke at your soul with a big stick!
  I'm sending hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Thanks. My sister just called me again today. I didn't take her call. She didn't leave a message. I'm just in no mood to listen to her. If she really needs to contact me she can email me.

I won't be going to visit her, but will find it difficult to say no to her if she asks. I haven't visited her for years. I've got to hide from her if she knocks at the door and pretend I'm not in. She might stay for hours if I let her in. She might start ranting and raging or lecturing me. I can never tell how she's going to behave. She's rarely stable and calm. Usually she starts crying then becomes abusive blaming everyone else for her problems.

I've got to look after my own mental and physical health first. I feel I'm near breaking point, like never before. It must be all the grief and stress I've been coping with. She is grieving as well but I just can't support her. I just don't have anything to give. I could become very angry with her but would probably hold it all together as usual and stay calm.

X

Remember this that you said was always the only thing that was ever your responsibility and especially more so now.

QuoteI've got to look after my own mental and physical health first.

Thanks. X

I am so sorry to hear the news. I am so happy you were able to care for and be there for your lovely mom.  I am very sorry you are in pain and are experiencing much grief.
You have the right idea. Be encouraged and care for yourself. You matter. Take all the time you need. Your sister doesn't need anything from you that can't wait until you are available? You could be available in a few days, weeks, your decision. Hugs to you.

Of course you got angry and wanted to shout at her - please don't beat yourself up!

It's *frustrating* when you hear the same old crap, time and time again, over and over like a broken record.  Yes, she's a victim, yes, she's got lung issues, yes, she's broke...  :dramaqueen: :violin:

To keep me sane, I used to play PD Bingo with unBPD Didi.  Whenever she'd hit  upon yet another of her Golden Oldies, I'd put a mental check on that box.   :evil2:

When I knew she was out of earshot (I'd left or she hung up on me), I'd yell, "BINGO!" because that woman *never* missed a trick.  :roll:

It takes your head out of the game so you're really not feeling emotions - you're listening to the words that come out of her mouth while thinking, "Give it a rest, will you!?"  :wacko:

Emotional distance is *good.*  Your sister won't like it, but that's too bad.

You're absolutely right - you've been through enough and need to focus on YOU.  :yes:

You're the star of your own life - not a bit-player in your sister's never-ending drama du jour.

She can solve her own problems.  She's proven she can and will move on to others as long as you're not responsive.

We all react differently to death and we all process it differently.  There's no cookie-cutter way to grieve, and no set timetable - it takes as long as it takes and not a second less.

If I were you, I'd avoid your sister while you grieve, just so she gets the idea you're in no way, shape or form a reliable source of supply, or a way to have her needs met.

Focus on *you* and please treat yourself gently and kindly.  You deserve it.  :)

:hug:

I'm sorry for your loss, guitarman.

Thank you. On top of everything else I've got a bad cold and cough. I hope I'm not getting flu. I haven't had a flu innoculation yet.

I'm feeling down about everything then happy. It's a weird mixture of emotions relief, happiness, sadness, grief, regret, guilt, anger, love, emptiness, loss, being grateful, unable to do much and so many more.

I don't have much of an appetite but I eat. Usually only something that's easy to prepare with the minimum of effort. I just can't be bothered.

I'm trying to process what has happened to my mother. I still can't quite believe it. It's all so surreal. She was very elderly and frail. I thought she was getting over her last infection but unfortunately didn't. No one else in the family really understands the daily stress I have been coping with for years. I knew this would of course happen one day but it's all been a shock.

It's Christmas soon. Always a stressful time in the family because we never know how my sister will behave. I'm in no Christmas mood at the moment to buy presents or put decorations up. I don't have the energy or interest. We used to do it all for the younger members of the family.

Sorry to be so negative. Maybe I'm just having a few down days. X

Go with it, ride the waves, let the emotions flow, rest as needed, focus on taking care of yourself. If you don't want to celebrate in the traditional way it's ok to take time out. Normal, natural grieving, not negative, it just is and it will flow through you if you let it. You will come out the other side when you're ready and in your own time.

Thank you. X

Hi Guitarman,
My deepest condolences on the loss of your mother.

She was indeed blessed to have a son as generous, kind, and thoughtful as you. She was so proud of you; I could sense so much love in your posts.

I know this is a tough day for you. I'll be sending prayers for you and your mom.

Thank you.

It has been the first Christmas without my mother which has been so strange.

I'm staying with one of my siblings and their family over Christmas. Our uBPD/NPD sister was invited for Christmas Day but earlier she said she had heart failure and didn't turn up. She didn't contact me and I've not contacted her even to wish her happy Christmas. She might have had a wonderful day with another family or her friends.

I had an upset stomach but managed to get through the festivities without eating too much. It's so easy to over indulge.

So it's all been surreal without my mother or sister. I've not been coping very well but take every day one day at a time. I only managed to buy Christmas presents for the youngest members of our family. I have found it all too stressful to make decisions about what to buy everyone so for once I didn't. I feel so mean but I did as much as I could. I've not been sleeping well either.

So we had a lovely Christmas Day, as well as we could. At least their weren't any life threatening dramas although we were all wondering if my sister would turn up at any moment. I'm just in no psychological state to help support her and listen to all her problems over and over again.

Hopefully my sister's adult children have been in touch with her, although they don't want much contact with her.

Best wishes

Guitarman X

I'm sending my thoughts and sympathies to you at this time.
Things are tough for you at the moment.
Does heart failure come and go like that? 
After my auntie died, my dad almost disrupted her funeral,  because he decided  on the morning of it, that he was ill.
We spent all afternoon at the hospital. I went later though- I wasn't going to miss my aunties service and wake when I knew dad was basically fine.
Sigh.
I'm glad your sis didn't show up. Long may it continue.

Thanks. Still not heard from my sister but expecting an outburst at any time.

X

Is there a pattern to how long her silent treats last?  Sometimes if I can figure out the pattern of behavior it helps me detach my emotions and keep me from reacting to PD's shenanigans.  It helps me realize just how calculated their behaviors are and that they really do have some control over their chaos when it suits them. 

There doesn't seem to be any pattern. In the past she seemed to stay away when she had money. Now she knows that I can't give her any so maybe that's why she's not contacted me. Also our mother passed away a few months ago, so that's changed as well. I'm in no mood to console her. I don't know how she will behave if she visits or calls me. I'm trying to look after myself, putting my needs first. I don't want her in my life at this time. I need calm supportive people.

Still no news from my sister. I've not been in contact with her and she's not contacted me.

I am getting easily triggered by it seems almost anything. Past incidents replay themselves over and over in my head. Now the whole world is concerned about the pandemic. I don't know if I am more worried about contracting the virus or my sister contacting me! Everyone now seems to know what anticipatory dread and hyper vigilance is all about.

I have been participating in daily live Mindfulness meditation sessions online which have helped me stay calm.

All the mental health carers support group meetings that I used to attend have all closed down. However some may start to offer support online instead. Even though my sister is not contacting me I realise that I still need on going support.

Best wishes to all at this difficult time for everyone.

You have my deepest sympathy Guitarman. I glad you have so many fond memories of your mother. So sorry for your loss.

UnBPD Didi has been dead over 6 years and unNPD Ray has been in a nursing home for over 4 years.  I've been NC since the beginning - and I still find I need support, even after all that time.   :yes:

Just because your sister hasn't been in contact for a few months doesn't make it all go away.  All the damage doesn't get erased.  It doesn't just get noodle-de-poofed away, like magic.

Right after Ray went into the nursing home, I'd gotten POA, and everything was rolling right along in regard to winding down his affairs, I started having panic attacks, which is NOT good when you're driving!  :aaauuugh:

Yeah!  Behind the wheel!  My car would make one wheeze, shudder, clunk, shimmy, hum or other sound I couldn't identify and I'd just FREAK, thinking I'd be walking home from where Jesus lost his shoes and having to explain to DH that I didn't do anything to the car!  :stars:

I'm not exactly sure why I started having panic attacks, but as soon as I started thinking they might be delayed reactions to too much stress, they stopped.

It might be the same thing for you, too - think of it  as you being a nail and all the things with your sister and mom are like being hit with a hammer.

While you're being hit with the hammer, you're okay - or somewhat okay.  You're used to this stuff from your sister and can just ignore her, and you love your mom, so caring for her isn't a big deal - it's stressful, but a labor of love.

Then everything just STOPS.   :blink:

Your mother - rest  her soul - has passed and your sister is out there, lurking or doing whatever the hell it is that she does.  :roll:

And you have nothing but time to think, reflect and ruminate - wondering when your sister is going to pop  back up, while possibly wishing your sister and mom had traded places and it was your sister who passed away, while your mom recovered - and then you feel guilty/shitty for thinking that way.

If you have had the thought and felt guilty - please  don't.  I think it's normal and natural.  I wondered why my aunt was dying of cancer - she was the nice one - while Didi lived to be horrible yet another day.  It just didn't seem FAIR.  :'(

It really didn't and never will.  My aunt was taken far before her time and Didi squandered what time she had by making life miserable for everybody - including herself.

No doubt your sister is doing the same thing with people who can be of use to her - feed her, support her, give her money or things. 

If she calls and starts moaning her usual shtick - can't breathe, blood coming from her orifices, sick, SO sick, so very, very sick - once you get her off the phone, you might discover something REALLY surprising.

You might start to relax.  :doh:  The worst happened.  The USUAL happened.  The same-old, same-old happened - she's sick and can't breathe and has no money, can't pay her rent, can't pay to have her computer fixed, can't pay to have her car repaired, and she's eating jam packets and going to a slimming club and nobody cares  - and nothing ever changes.   :roll:

In a pandemic world where nobody is really sure what's going on or what comes next, isn't it nice to know that some things just never change?  :wacko:

Isn't that he most perverse thing of all?   :phoot:

I used to have a sort of internal chronometer for Didi and Ray - many of us here do.  It's like a Spidey Sense that tingles when it's time for them to call/visit/shatter our quiet and peaceful lives with their chaos and discord.

When that Spidey Sense goes off and nothing happens, it's *weird* - because the Spidey Sense is usually right.

Sometimes it needs to be re-calibrated - and that can mess you up, too, while things shake out and your Spidey Sense figures out what the New Normal is going to be - and if there will be one.

If your usual groups aren't meeting for obvious reasons, you can always post here, and you can always start a journal, which I think is the *best* place to say whatever is on your mind, in any manner you choose.  8-)

I started my journal in 1998, long before I knew about this site and it starts off  with the words, "I didn't ask for this shit."

Not the most elegant of openers, but it cut to the heart of the matter - how I FELT.   :thumbup:

How you feel is important and it *matters.*

Addressing it might help - statements like, "I feel."  "I want."  "I like."  "I hate."

Your journal is yours, and for your eyes only.  Nobody is going to judge or critique it.  Nobody is going to swoop in like The Grammar Police and demand you fix that split infinitive or dangling participle.  Nobody will demand you be linear or stop bouncing from subject to subject as the mood strikes you.

Your journal is your Safe Place and *nobody* can violate that.  It is YOURS and you can say whatever you want, without fear of reprisal.

Be well.  Stay healthy - both physically and mentally!  :)

:hug:

Guitarman, you're truly not alone. Grief has a different timetable for everyone, and we all work through as best we can. Don't let yours be about your sister - I understand there's a grieving taking place there too, but try to refocus when you can. You're raw and grieving and everything is likely to hit you wrong right now, and it may be that way for a while. Add in the pandemic and yes, it explodes into more. Makes perfect sense to me.

Write things out when you can, get it out so you can let pieces of it go as you're able. Sometimes for me it's as good as talking it out - writing out the pain and anger then destroying my writing, watching it burn. There's something cleansing and cathartic about it for me, and sometimes nothing less will do. Whatever and however you can, find ways to get it out so it doesn't poison you.

Sending you peace. :hug:

 :bighug:

Thank you everyone for your replies and kind thoughts.

It's 3am and I just woke from a nightmare. I thought I was doing OK. We are living through scary times as much as I try and be optimistic and positive. I live on my own. Thankfully I have family and friends who call me regularly. I try not to go out and stay in as much as I can where it is safe. We are all in this together. I shouldn't have listened to the news and radio phone in shows. I know that they are trying to give the right information and advice but it all can become overwhelming sometimes.

I heard someone call this virus the Narcissistic Virus. I can relate to that. It's pernicious, relentless, destructive and uncaring about who it damages.

I take part in livestream Mindfulness meditation sessions every day which helps. I posted a link on the "Other Media Resources" section.

May you be well.
May you be happy.
May you be free from suffering.

X

And may you be so well.

I suggest scheduling the times you alot to news, limit yourself to print media, and to only actual news stories that provide important information. The rest is not something you can act upon.

Make sure you get out for walks if you can, or somehow get some sun.

You will be strong. You will be good.

Thank you.

X

Sending hugs guitarman. Thinking about you.
Take care. Perhaps sister is staying in due to the current situation, or it maybe the dynamics of your family have now changed forever. Sometimes that happens when a parent passes on.
Keep it in the now.
For now, there is no problem.
Focus on daily routines and add a bit of creativity in for fun.
Painting?
Baking?
I've started baking and doing more gardening and planting flowers and vegetables too.
I'm looking to see if I can make my own incense! Not sure how that will turn out! It's all about using the resources I have, saving money and of course, going out as little as possible.
Jump online for your mindfulness, whether it's your classes or the array of free stuff on there. There's loads.
You introduced me to KrisGodinez,  and that lady has changed the way I think about my family of origin. She showed me how to put boundaries down and keep them beautifully there! Her coaching is amazing! I love her, she's brilliant! If she comes to the UK I will go and see her. Thank you 🙏!  Take care! Stay safe!  🐣😘😎🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

I had a Zoom chat this evening with my sister's adult children and my siblings. I've not heard much from the children for a few months. One thinks that they may have had the Coronavirus and has thankfully fully recovered. I already hear from my siblings regularly. Everyone is well and still working.

My sister's children frequently hear from their mother. She's OK. They told me that she believes in some sort of nonsense theory going around about the virus. I thought she would. So nothing has changed. I'm just so glad that I don't hear about all her troubles and worries. It's been such a relief.

We are all going to chat again soon, without my sister being invited.

That's great that you are in touch with family on zoom- I'm so happy for you about that! .
I'm sorry that someone has felt ill and possibly had the virus, but I'm glad they are feeling better now.
Good that you are getting peace at home
We are simply not responsible for other people's happiness, once they become adults.
It took me a long time to learn this!
Better late than never, otherwise I would still be running myself ragged trying to solve my UNPDsister's problems!  :stars:
She's more or less gone no contact with me since I stopped being her ' fixer' and her scapegoat. It wasn't straight away. Truth be told, it's taken her a couple of years to realise that my change of response was going to be permanent. Once I'd  begun to come Out of the FOG I started to see the patterns which would culminate in shunning, (preceded by rudeness and disdain over some perceived slight).
I began to see that she thought she could do anything, and I would just fall back into the old expected patterns of behaviour.  It used to be that I would try to break free, and not contact her, or she would scapegoat me, and give me the silent 'treat'. However it went, it was ALWAYS me who relented, and renewed the contact.
I thought I was ' being the bigger person'. Nope, just codependent!
Anyway it goes to show that she finds it impossible to contact me first! Because now, two years on, since I haven't relented, she hasn't tried for a reconciliation.
Not a peep from her. Her non-action reflects her need to feel superior and I think she longs for how I was before- that I'd make the first move.
She just doesn't want a normal sister to sister bond where of course a straightforward conflict may often arise, but is then resolved in a healthy way.
She's the queen of the passive aggressive attack and she misses attacking me.
However, I've resigned as the victim. 
The validation that she really must be disordered, that has helped me out.
In the end, through her own refusal to accept anything other than a dysfunctional relationship, gave me the proof that I hadn't even looked for. Harsh, but true.

Maybe your sister is getting to that point too? It could be that your medium chill and grey rocking and boundary setting is having the desired effect.

I too lost my Mom a year and 4 months ago.  My condolences to you as I know what you are going through and what you will go through.  My Mom was 87 and she and I were close, we would have a lot of laughs together as she had a wonderful sense of humour and miss telling things that would make her laugh, I always felt that she was the one that loved me unconditionally and this is what a Mother does, so hard a loss.  All the best to you in your healing journey.

Thank you.

X

I'm not feeling so good today. My uBPD/NPD sister called me but I didn't answer. I haven't heard from her for over six months.

She rang another sibling. She has sent an email to our sibling that was forwarded to me as well. It was full of rage and historical inaccuracies. She wants money.

I didn't read all of the email. I already get triggered by so many things now this has sent me into a panic. My sibling has replied to her email but I didn't read it all. They are getting into an argument and it's like they are shouting at each other, which my sister does in real life.

I can't have anything more to do with her for my own sanity and well-being.

 Hi guitarman,

I'm sorry that you are going through this.  You have been a very patient and understanding man with your sister.  You always responded in the appropriate way that was best for you.

I understand that you've had enough. It always comes down to a question of sanity and well being.  I don't know if I would have lasted this long in having a similar relationship with a sibling like that.

Hats off to you.

take care

Just ignore it, it's her stuff not yours -and I always find that deleting unwanted messages helps a lot.
I delete anything my UNPDbrother sends me on text, as it's very passive aggressive and designed to criticise and upset me.
To answer would be to allow him to trample my boundaries. So I don't.
It doesn't have to stay in your inbox. I think if it were me I would block her emails.
I have to keep my brother on texts because of my elderly dad. But he's blocked on Facebook as he's FAR  too mean on there. He's fumed about that for months . Yeah well, your fault bro. :tongue2:
I'm sending you some hugs guitarman. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗xxxxx

It was inevitable to hear from her eventually with full venom ready. So not your stuff like nanotech said. Disengage. Let them argue. Good you didn't bother to read the email.

Thank you for your replies. My sister has legally delayed the probate process, so it is all paused at the moment. I'm letting my other siblings deal with it as I can't cope with it all. I trust them and they are very capable people. My doctor is going to call me tomorrow, so I might go back on antidepressants which I'm OK with. I took them for three years over a decade ago. I had a calm day today but can be triggered at any moment. I am currently watching Kris Godinez on YouTube. I make sure to watch her weekly live talks each Sunday.

I'm sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was a beautiful person.

Thank you. X

I posted this in the "Other Media Resources" section of the forum

Starting on Monday 17th August until 26th August 2020 is the

Trauma Skills Summit 
"Heal from the Effects of Trauma—for Yourself, the World, and Generations to Come.
A Free 10-Day Online Event from August 17–26, 2020."

It is presented by Sounds True. The Summit is free to register for and to watch and listen to during the event but costs money if you want to keep the lectures for lifetime access.

There are many renowned people taking part. Join 24 worldwide leaders to explore the latest breakthroughs in healing from trauma.

Trauma Skills Summit
https://product.soundstrue.com/trauma-skills-summit/register/

Sounds True website, an interesting website to explore including books, podcasts and online training
https://www.soundstrue.com/

I hope you are feeling better.
In a way, they are too easy to predict. Anything that can be a drama, will be a drama.
It doesn't stop it being painful though.
I'm glad you have other siblings who you can rely on.
Keep steady.
Thanks for the trauma skills link. I'll be checking that out.
You are always thinking about and trying to help others, even when you are going through grief and the histrionics of your sister.
Take care, and well done not getting involved.

*** Trigger Warning ***

Thank you. I am glad to help others as others have helped me. I pass my experiences on and what I have learned. We are not alone. I remember the time when both myself and my elderly parents were crying, not knowing what to do about my sister, or ourselves, when she was in a crisis. I remember when my father wanted to take an overdose of his pills because he felt so helpless and unable to cope any more.

I have watched the first day of the Trauma Skills Summit but found the talks difficult to follow. Maybe I'm just not in a receptive mood at the moment and find things difficult to comprehend at times. Many things are triggering me at times and I feel negative about everything but that is gradually changing. The covid19 situation isn't helping and adding to my anxiety, as with everyone.

My sister communicates with my siblings. I am taking care of myself and not getting involved.

I realise now that what I have experienced with my sister over many years has been abuse and trauma. It takes time to heal and recover, if that is ever possible. It takes time to learn new skills and to do things differently. X

Quotewatched the first day of the Trauma Skills Summit but found the talks difficult to follow. Maybe I'm just not in a receptive mood at the moment

I feel ya and actually bookmarked the link you posted but haven't been in the mood to connect with it. I'm sorry your feeling so low and hope you can sit with it, hold space for yourself, as you heal.

gman:

Maybe skip through the offerings, and see if something is easier to follow.  It's OK to skip around, I think... and see what makes sense in the moment, IME. 

Also, you might go back to a part you couldn't understand, and it'll make more sense on a different day....  maybe.

Thanks for sharing it!  I love that site.