Ive been reading and learning about pds for about 4 or 5 yrs. Ive made majors changes in myself. Im stuck in anger. I still fear the pds just terrible.ive choosen to stay. Im 64. Where i live is my life long childhood dream. Im very low income. I did leave for a couple yrs. But got sick and was pretty much forced to come home. How much longer am i going to feel like im not getting anywhere . im almost i guess addicted to reading this stuff. It IS very interesting. But really i want out of this fog. I want alittle life for me before my end
Livedit I’m sorry for the situation you are in. Of course you deserve some happiness and a life of your own.
For me I started to heal and not feel stuck once I put my focus on me. At one stage I probably knew more about BPD than any of the doctors and specialists who were treating my ex. I thought if I knew all there was to know about it then I could learn to manage him and my feelings. That it would make the situation more bearable. For me this wasn’t the case. I have read that one cannot heal as long as one is around one’s abusers/the people causing the pain.
Only you can decide to leave or stay, but either way if you put the focus on you and what makes you feel good, what you want in your life, then the abuse takes up less pain in your head and you can focus on more positive things.
People would tell me to journal and I’s roll my eyes. I eventually tried it and it helped me beyond measure. At first I would try to write about how I wanted my life to be and I couldn’t think of anything, my needs and self awareness were almost non existent. I read a lot of self help books and works on figuring out exactly what I wanted in my life. Now I have some of that and I’m working on others.
Even if you stay you can have a much fuller, happier life. Switch out the Pd reading for something that will benefit you.
Again, for me personally I found it most helpful to deal with my own issues first, this helped open up my mind to building my self esteem and figuring out what I wanted.
I have read hundreds of books. By far the most helpful to me was Codependent No More. I found Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them very helpful to. It really helped me understand how much shame I had around who I was and how that impacted the people I chose to let in to my life. I think this book would be helpful to anyone of any gender who is in an unbalanced relationship.
For me I learned that I needed to take action, I wasn’t going to wake up one day and feel better. I had to do the work myself. I lost weight, became more active, took control over things my ex had always controlled - like what I ate or watched on TV. These small acts built on each other and now I can say I feel good about myself. I still have days where I have to fight the patterns that are so deeply ingrained in me, but my life looks nothing like it used to.
I am younger than you but my relationship (and my non existent self esteem) meant that I lost out on a lot like having children and building wealth. I stayed longer than I wanted to as I felt it was too late to make a change. It’s never too late to make change. Even small changes make a difference.
Turn your focus on to understanding and helping yourself. It will change your entire outlook and you will feel much stronger and in control.
Thank you Out of the FOG. I agree with everything you said. I will read the books you suggested. They are on my list. Most days i feel good and stronger but as we all know some are not. Thanks again. Happy thanksgiving to you and all here at Out of the FOG.