Out of the FOG

Coping with Personality Disorders => Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members => Topic started by: Amadahy on November 28, 2019, 06:03:35 PM

Title: Hospital again and holiday blues
Post by: Amadahy on November 28, 2019, 06:03:35 PM
Hi yíall!

Warm greetings on (US) thanksgiving day, knowing that many have mixed feelings and experiences on these ďfamilyĒ holidays.

My Nmom had another fall yesterday. Her apartment manager had EMTs take her to the ER and the adult daycare called to inform me. She fell approximately six weeks ago and went to rehab for a couple of weeks. She could have transitioned into long term care at that time, but would not. I knew this would happen again, but am surprised it happened this quickly. I stayed w her at ER until she was transferred to a larger hospital last evening for neurological assessments. The bigger hospital is in GC sisís city and my driving ability is limited, so I have not visited today. I will call later.

So, tired and emotionally spent, I contemplated not cooking a big holiday meal. However, my kids were going to be disappointed, so I made a nice meal. Iíve enjoyed seeing their enjoyment and being in their company. However, I am deeply sad about Nmom and how this very likely may be her final thanksgiving. Our last gathering at my house, with foggy me, was 2015. I could never go back to that, but I am profoundly sad that there is just no satisfactory way to soothe the hurt I feel. One mixed outcome of Nmomís dementia is a childlikeness that is better than rage, but heartbreaking.

I know there are no answers, but I just wanted to enter this safe and blessed cyberspace to find understanding. May we all find an extra measure of peace and solace in the (holi)days ahead. 
Title: Re: Hospital again and holiday blues
Post by: Poison Ivy on November 28, 2019, 07:48:35 PM
I'm sorry, Amadahy.  I can relate to your statement that  "I could never go back to that, but I am profoundly sad that there is just no satisfactory way to soothe the hurt I feel." Thanksgiving day 10 years ago (2009) was the last time I saw my former father-in-law.  I chose to stop visiting after that day, because he was rude to me and made the situation worse by lying about what had happened. My husband became his parents' full-time caregiver a few years later. A few years after that, I filed for divorce, partly because of things my husband did at his father's encouragement or insistence.  My former FIL died last month, so this is the first Thanksgiving that everyone is without him. I had no affection for him, but I too am profoundly sad about how things went down.
Title: Re: Hospital again and holiday blues
Post by: kaizen on November 28, 2019, 10:53:31 PM
Amadahy, I'm in the US too. Mixed feelings at holidays pretty much sums it up. I hope your mother gets into a facility soon, somehow.
Title: Re: Hospital again and holiday blues
Post by: nanotech on November 29, 2019, 09:44:26 PM
Just sending hugs to you.  Thereís hurt attached to freedom and it seems we canít avoid it. Itís why we stay in the fog for so long.
But it softens up, it does, and if there is a good memory here and there, it pops up.
I found it helped me to just carry on with the actions of care, feeling as I was feeling and accepting those feelings.
My mum changed in the last ten days. She was losing her cognitive abilities, but she also lost her need for control. And her spirit was still present.
Hold on to that.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings, whatever they are.