Following on from - https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=82652
toblerone - Oh the hospital visit thing. Last time Dad went mad every time I missed the start of visitng time by 5 mins. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? Like work, kids, family.
Then he'd insist I HAD TO MAKE AN EFFORT to come every day.
Stupidly, I did. Now the fog is clearing I wont do that again!
My mother liked, for some reason, to tell me that there was no-one to help, that we were alone and this, eventually, morphed into Toblerone has to be there, Toblerone has to do x, y, z even if those things were beyond my capabilities. And yet the ways she acted when she was in front of medics. I remember feeling... I don't know how to describe it. I really don't. Like I said, sometimes I wonder if it really happened.
I still remember the look on her face when I walked in. She was livid.
Quote from: tob-ler-one on December 31, 2019, 09:13:53 AM
My mother liked, for some reason, to tell me that there was no-one to help, that we were alone and this, eventually, morphed into Toblerone has to be there, Toblerone has to do x, y, z even if those things were beyond my capabilities. And yet the ways she acted when she was in front of medics. I remember feeling... I don't know how to describe it. I really don't. Like I said, sometimes I wonder if it really happened.
I still remember the look on her face when I walked in. She was livid.
Yep. the ITS GOT TO BE YOU syndrome.
I've had it for years. Travel 60 miles taking 90 mins to pick me up to take me to hospital appt. I dont want to get a 10 minute taxi - its got to be you.......
I often wonder if I imagined some of his behaviour. Before xmas tells me he walked 1/2 mile to get a haircut. Boxing day I'm in restaurant with him and I'm half-carrying him to the toilet 10 yards away. Does he think I dont remember?
To add to this, spoke to him today. Hes telling me he popped out for some fresh air and went to the Betting Shop. (In other words, there's no-one else to do it so hes got no choice but to get on with it).
I checked on google maps. 400 yards each way. A busy road. And coming back there is a VERY steep hill for 100 yards (like 25% slope here). Yet he did it....
This was the guy who 6 days ago, basically let me half carry him (honestly, he grabbed my arm and lent his entire weight onto me), shuffled each foot forwards 4 inches each step, wanted me to undress him in the bathroom because he couldn't balance, then 2nd visit forgot where the bathroom is completely. He'd give flippin Lazarus a run for his money would Dad.
DOES HE NOT REMEMBER HOW HE ACTED IN THE RESTAURANT?
I just don't get him. No-one in the world would not remember having to drag someone one day then be told a story 6 days later how hes walked, half way around a busy town, across busy roads, up a hill for almost a mile...... I am speechless. Does he not think I might have noticed a slight difference in capabilities???? (His 4 inches per step shuffle would have taken him around 4 hours to walk the 400 yards I reckon!)
I am livid just so annoyed with the way he acts up to get what he wants.... Actually not just livid, more like disgusted and ashamed of him. I do all I can for him and I find it so disrespectful that he feels the need to pull the wool over my eyes like this.
I think PD is based on arrested development. So a young child might have a fit and then open one eye to see if anyone is looking - and some PDs do the same rather than maturing into adult nehaviors to get their needs met.
I doubt your dad is really thinking at all about what his capabilities in one situation say about his utter helplessness in another. All he knows is that he wants something from you, and his behavior works.
But now you're on to him. Next time he needs help going to the bathroom, no way. You might strain your back. He really can't manage the restaurant bathroom? I guess we can't go out anymore. (You probably can't anyway, given how rude he is to the staff). If you didn't exist, what would he do? If he is so helpless, I guess it's assisted living time. Maybe nursing home time. The cost is not your worry but his.
I understand your anger.
Quote from: NumbLotus on January 01, 2020, 05:45:22 PM
Next time he needs help going to the bathroom, no way. You might strain your back.
:yes:
Just wanted to add a few more thoughts.
This whole process can certainly be described as a grieving process. And you may well be in the anger stage.
My PDperson isn't my father but I will share that when I finally understood it was PD and started reading about it and learning about the coping tools, I was FURIOUS.
I remember reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, and just being ANGRY about all the examples and coping tools. There is an example of a woman accusing her husband of cheating because he liked a beer with his friends on occasion (or something like that) and the book suggested deescalation techniques, and I was all SCREW THAT. Why should he have to cater to that madness??
And believe me, I knew the answer (it's techniques to cope and survive with a PD we must or choose to have a relationship). But it seemed like just utter BS.
I spent a few months angry like that. Maybe you are angry. It was not fun for me to be angry but honestly I think it was maybe necessary. It adjusted my status out of victimhood. It made me see things very clearly.
So I think you're in a good state. You have a right to be angry. Your father has really taken a lot from you and your family. Use the anger to keep giving yourself the strength to stand up.
I've been through that angry stage. I wanted him to damn well acknowledge his behaviour!
They don't.
He recently denied something he'd had just done. Blatant denial!
There could have been a conflict, but I just laughed. No point. I'm at the acceptance stage. Acceptance doesn't mean we are going along with it.
I did notice that my dad seemed subdued by my reaction. On the very next phone call he brought it up again from nowhere. He said it had worried him that I didn't believe him. I told him it wasn't up for discussion again, no need to bring it up and it wasn't important.
They don't like, ' It's not important.' in reference to anything they think IS. But because of the context he couldn't pursue it.
I just held a mirror up to what I think is actual self delusion and of course he felt uneasy. They are not honest, even with themselves.
Quote from: p123 on January 01, 2020, 03:31:10 PM
To add to this, spoke to him today. Hes telling me he popped out for some fresh air and went to the Betting Shop. (In other words, there's no-one else to do it so hes got no choice but to get on with it).
Hi p123,
Are you positive that your dad actually went to the betting shop? Did you see his betting slip, or whatever they give you when you place a bet?
It seems to me he is playing the quintessential victim here. Either way, whether he went or made the whole thing up-- he wants you to freak out and say "Dad, you can't do that! There's danger! I'll do it for you! I know I said I wouldn't, but I can't have you doing this, going down that busy road! You might be killed!!!!!!!"
See where this is going? I would do a little Nancy Drew the next time I'm at his house and see about verifying some of the outlandish things he says. You know he lies. How do you know, really, that what comes out of his mouth is the truth, or some stuff he made up to add to his tale of woe?
Even if he's telling the truth here-- which I seriously doubt-- he is playing The Big Victim to the hilt. :dramaqueen: He is a major drama queen!
Story about my NM. My uncle died and I took NM to a visitation at the funeral home. It was a rainy, foggy night, and I parked very close to the entrance. I offered to get my NM's wheelchair out of the trunk, but she insisted she use her walker. Reluctantly, I agreed.
I was not familiar with this funeral home, but NM was. She directed me to an "entrance" she said was a shortcut. Okay, great. Don't want you to have to walk very far.
That "entrance" was the entrance to an adjoining chapel. We had to wind our way through that, and what seemed like miles later, we arrived at the foyer to the funeral home, which would have been a hop, skip and a jump from the entrance where I parked. We were immediately approached by a funeral home assistant who looked us both over, then asked if he could get a wheelchair for NM. "Wouldn't you be more comfortable in a wheelchair?" he asked, while looking sideways at me-- the cruel daughter who had made her poor, pitiful mother walk all this way into a funeral home.
Well, guess what? Instead of saying "No, I prefer to use my walker", like she had said to me-- she put on a pitiful look and said "Yes. That would be so nice! Thank you so much!"
Get my point? Your father is playing you, p123. He wants to evoke as much pity as he can. He did this on Boxing Day, having you drag him to the bathroom. Basically, it was a theatrical performance designed to impress everyone watching in the pub "Look at me. I'm so ill. I can't even make it to the bathroom without the help of my son."
I could tell you other tales of my NM's "command performances". I have quite the repertoire, or should I say, NM has.
My humble advice to you is to not react. Do not give your dad any quarter on this. Not one round of applause. Not one shocked look. Not one hint of advice. He wants a reaction out of you. He wants to guilt you into action. Don't take the bait. Study up on Grey Rock. It's in the Toolbox.
Once your dad figures out that he can't get a word out of you regarding feedback on his "performances", he may up the ante. But you can deal with that, too. The main thing here is to not acknowledge his victim status. Be the grey rock when he starts that shit. :upsidedown:
I agree - he's playing the victim to the hilt and you're RIGHT to be angry and disgusted! :blowup:
Pooooooor bunny Didi "threw her back out" :roll: and couldn't walk, doncha know :violin:, had a cane in one hand and was pulling my arm out of the socket on the other side, while I tried to support her as she shambled along in GREAT pain. :dramaqueen:
I didn't know why it was so hard - she only weighted about 90 pounds or so, but I happened to look down and she was literally *dragging her damned feet on the pavement!* :aaauuugh: >:(
She saw the chiropractor and miraculously, she was better - that was the day she took off like a shot and race-walked down the plaza to the drug store and stood there, practically with her nose pressed up to the glass, salivating. :blink:
I got in my car, drove down the plaza and the look on her face was, "We're going to the drug store and there is NOTHING you can do about it, missy!" :phoot:
I put the car in park, leaned over, opened the passenger door, gave NO F's about other people who were near and said, "Get in. I don't have time." :ninja:
She stood there for a moment, uncertain - if I could tell her to get in the car, I might just drive off if she walked into the store. (And yes, that was my plan. She had Ray, at home, or she could call a cab.) :evil2:
I was only a couple of yards away from her, but it took her about five minutes to shamble and shuffle her way to the car, then struggle to get into it. :dramaqueen:
I didn't help - and I blocked out the passersby. Nobody said anything or tried to help, and if they had, I would have told them no need; she needs the exercise. :evil2:
As you said - does she not remember? Yeah - but I think they just don't CARE as long as the end justifies the means. :roll:
They don't seem to reckon we're going to figure it out and might start doing something about it, like saying, "Mom, you're in such bad shape, I'm afraid to drive you anywhere. If, God forbid, somebody hits us and the air bag goes off, I don't even want to think about it." :ninja:
Which I did say and she actually argued with that she wasn't in such rough shape and weighed 10 pounds more than she'd last told me. :roll: She was down to 80 pounds - poor widdle waif had regularly reported her weight loss, but now that I called her on it, she was claiming she never said that and was 90 pounds. :stars:
I calmly said, "Well, I'll come over and you can step on the scale. That will solve the problem." :ninja:
She opted to slam the phone down on me instead. :doh:
What I think you'd be wise to say to your father is, "Dad, I can't take you out for a meal/to the betting shop/to a cricket match/bring you to my house because you have so much trouble getting around and doing for yourself." :ninja:
You'll start hearing all kinds of stories about he walked here, he walked there, he did this, he did that, he did NOT pee himself - you're just telling porkies to embarrass him! :pissed: - and bunch of other nonsense and crapola he thinks will snow you into submission.
Don't submit. Be firm in your resolve: NO. :righton:
Didi and Ray *both* had, "IT MUST BE WI!" on the brain - except I was Sir Not Appearing In This Film and wouldn't do a damned thing but tell them to call the proper person/agency (doctor, ambulance, shuttle, etc) and stay completely out of it. :ninja:
Didi and Ray would both utter statements like your dad, thinking I'd come to save them - but I never did. I always stuck to, "That's nice. It's good to get out and get some fresh air." :ninja:
That's NOT the answer either of them wanted. :jumping:
BTW - when your dad bangs on about going into a home, *don't* remind him of the cost. AGREE he should start looking into it and say nothing else. :ninja: :yes:
He'll either start behaving ( :rofl: ) or act up even more - stay out of it and remember what it was like when your kids were small and would throw tantrums. You didn't indulge them - don't indulge your father. :thumbup:
Illogical is absolutely right - don't acknowledge or do anything to reinforce his victim status. Be a grey, uninteresting rock, that basically just sits there and does nothing else. 8-)
Oh, and if he does issue more edicts - what time you should call on New Year's Day, your wife needs to call him, you are LATE to visit him in the hospital - where were you!?!? - IGNORE. Change the subject, hang up, or leave - those are *your* options, but you don't have to keep taking it on the chin and *owe him no explanations or fealty.* :ninja: :thumbup:
You've GOT this, dude! :cheer: :cheer:
:hug:
Quote from: NumbLotus on January 01, 2020, 05:45:22 PM
I think PD is based on arrested development. So a young child might have a fit and then open one eye to see if anyone is looking - and some PDs do the same rather than maturing into adult nehaviors to get their needs met.
I doubt your dad is really thinking at all about what his capabilities in one situation say about his utter helplessness in another. All he knows is that he wants something from you, and his behavior works.
But now you're on to him. Next time he needs help going to the bathroom, no way. You might strain your back. He really can't manage the restaurant bathroom? I guess we can't go out anymore. (You probably can't anyway, given how rude he is to the staff). If you didn't exist, what would he do? If he is so helpless, I guess it's assisted living time. Maybe nursing home time. The cost is not your worry but his.
I understand your anger.
He "thinks" it works lol. No more....
Quote from: tob-ler-one on January 01, 2020, 06:17:35 PM
Quote from: NumbLotus on January 01, 2020, 05:45:22 PM
Next time he needs help going to the bathroom, no way. You might strain your back.
:yes:
Yes I still get asked way too regularly how my back is. Its just so obvious its a case of "fitness to serve" rather than being concerned for me.
Quote from: illogical on January 01, 2020, 09:01:25 PM
Quote from: p123 on January 01, 2020, 03:31:10 PM
To add to this, spoke to him today. Hes telling me he popped out for some fresh air and went to the Betting Shop. (In other words, there's no-one else to do it so hes got no choice but to get on with it).
Hi p123,
Are you positive that your dad actually went to the betting shop? Did you see his betting slip, or whatever they give you when you place a bet?
It seems to me he is playing the quintessential victim here. Either way, whether he went or made the whole thing up-- he wants you to freak out and say "Dad, you can't do that! There's danger! I'll do it for you! I know I said I wouldn't, but I can't have you doing this, going down that busy road! You might be killed!!!!!!!"
See where this is going? I would do a little Nancy Drew the next time I'm at his house and see about verifying some of the outlandish things he says. You know he lies. How do you know, really, that what comes out of his mouth is the truth, or some stuff he made up to add to his tale of woe?
Even if he's telling the truth here-- which I seriously doubt-- he is playing The Big Victim to the hilt. :dramaqueen: He is a major drama queen!
Hmm. See what you mean. Yes Dad is a major drama queen and his special performance is the ACT.
Thing is hes not very good at it and forgets things. All the time. He does not seem to clever enough to pretend to walk somewhere hoping we'll tell him not to. Because I won't and he knows this. BUT, he does think if he shows me how much trouble he has walking I'll feel sorry for him.
Of course, when I'm not there hes got to get on with it. Im in work, Im not going to the betting shop, he either gets on with it or goes without. So he does it. Of course, in the restaurant, it suits him to make it look like he can't walk. BUT then he forgets how he behaved and then tells me he walked to the betting shop. Crazy or what?
Quote from: WomanInterrupted on January 02, 2020, 12:15:00 AM
I agree - he's playing the victim to the hilt and you're RIGHT to be angry and disgusted! :blowup:
Pooooooor bunny Didi "threw her back out" :roll: and couldn't walk, doncha know :violin:, had a cane in one hand and was pulling my arm out of the socket on the other side, while I tried to support her as she shambled along in GREAT pain. :dramaqueen:
I didn't know why it was so hard - she only weighted about 90 pounds or so, but I happened to look down and she was literally *dragging her damned feet on the pavement!* :aaauuugh: >:(
She saw the chiropractor and miraculously, she was better - that was the day she took off like a shot and race-walked down the plaza to the drug store and stood there, practically with her nose pressed up to the glass, salivating. :blink:
I got in my car, drove down the plaza and the look on her face was, "We're going to the drug store and there is NOTHING you can do about it, missy!" :phoot:
I put the car in park, leaned over, opened the passenger door, gave NO F's about other people who were near and said, "Get in. I don't have time." :ninja:
She stood there for a moment, uncertain - if I could tell her to get in the car, I might just drive off if she walked into the store. (And yes, that was my plan. She had Ray, at home, or she could call a cab.) :evil2:
I was only a couple of yards away from her, but it took her about five minutes to shamble and shuffle her way to the car, then struggle to get into it. :dramaqueen:
I didn't help - and I blocked out the passersby. Nobody said anything or tried to help, and if they had, I would have told them no need; she needs the exercise. :evil2:
As you said - does she not remember? Yeah - but I think they just don't CARE as long as the end justifies the means. :roll:
They don't seem to reckon we're going to figure it out and might start doing something about it, like saying, "Mom, you're in such bad shape, I'm afraid to drive you anywhere. If, God forbid, somebody hits us and the air bag goes off, I don't even want to think about it." :ninja:
Which I did say and she actually argued with that she wasn't in such rough shape and weighed 10 pounds more than she'd last told me. :roll: She was down to 80 pounds - poor widdle waif had regularly reported her weight loss, but now that I called her on it, she was claiming she never said that and was 90 pounds. :stars:
I calmly said, "Well, I'll come over and you can step on the scale. That will solve the problem." :ninja:
She opted to slam the phone down on me instead. :doh:
What I think you'd be wise to say to your father is, "Dad, I can't take you out for a meal/to the betting shop/to a cricket match/bring you to my house because you have so much trouble getting around and doing for yourself." :ninja:
You'll start hearing all kinds of stories about he walked here, he walked there, he did this, he did that, he did NOT pee himself - you're just telling porkies to embarrass him! :pissed: - and bunch of other nonsense and crapola he thinks will snow you into submission.
Don't submit. Be firm in your resolve: NO. :righton:
Didi and Ray *both* had, "IT MUST BE WI!" on the brain - except I was Sir Not Appearing In This Film and wouldn't do a damned thing but tell them to call the proper person/agency (doctor, ambulance, shuttle, etc) and stay completely out of it. :ninja:
Didi and Ray would both utter statements like your dad, thinking I'd come to save them - but I never did. I always stuck to, "That's nice. It's good to get out and get some fresh air." :ninja:
That's NOT the answer either of them wanted. :jumping:
BTW - when your dad bangs on about going into a home, *don't* remind him of the cost. AGREE he should start looking into it and say nothing else. :ninja: :yes:
He'll either start behaving ( :rofl: ) or act up even more - stay out of it and remember what it was like when your kids were small and would throw tantrums. You didn't indulge them - don't indulge your father. :thumbup:
Illogical is absolutely right - don't acknowledge or do anything to reinforce his victim status. Be a grey, uninteresting rock, that basically just sits there and does nothing else. 8-)
Oh, and if he does issue more edicts - what time you should call on New Year's Day, your wife needs to call him, you are LATE to visit him in the hospital - where were you!?!? - IGNORE. Change the subject, hang up, or leave - those are *your* options, but you don't have to keep taking it on the chin and *owe him no explanations or fealty.* :ninja: :thumbup:
You've GOT this, dude! :cheer: :cheer:
:hug:
Thanks WI.
Yep Dad did that in the restaurant. He was actually trying to pull me with his whole weight. WAY OTT.
Then taking 4 inch shuffles with each foot movement. Jeez.
Reckon it would have taken him 4 hours to walk to the Betting shop like this. And he'd have fallen over into the Bus Lane and been run over lol.
Honestly, the short hill he walks down (hey he lives in the South Wales valleys nothing is flat!) is pretty steep too. No way you can shuffle up there.
And here is another thought....next time he goes to the hospital for something minor....you don't HAVE TO visit.
I moved heaven and earth to get my father into AL quickly. Thankfully it was his idea. However he made moving him extremely difficult. I gave him little tasks I knew he could handle but always heard how he wasn't feeling well so didn't do them...then would offer to help me move a heavy piece of furniture. Or even better stand in my way while I was trying to move something. Anyway I was so proud of how nice his new place looked and couldn't wait for him to see it. I go and pick him up that morning and find that he fell in the parking lot the night before and scraped his face all up. He didn't even bother to try and clean himself up. I did what I could then brought him to AL. I looked like the worst daughter ever for not taking him to the ER for what would amount to needing a couple band aids. Next thing I know they called paramedics to take him to the local ER. He was in his glory being wheeled out in a stretcher. At that point I just burst into tears and walked away. I didn't have it in me to sit in the hospital for 6 hours getting dirty looks from the hospital staff who couldn't understand why I wasn't giving up my life for such a sweet old man.....who quite frankly sucked as a parent. That was the day I was completely done with hospital visits. I visit only if he needs to go to rehab and needs me to fetch clothes for him. When he has a stroke or heart attack I will go....but runs to the ER for falls, constipation or belly aches do not warrant me missing work.
Quote from: WomanInterrupted on January 02, 2020, 12:15:00 AM
bunch of other nonsense and crapola he thinks will snow you into submission.
I'm just imagining a massive snowdrift. ;D
I didn't ever put my back out (I think), but I did lifting I wasn't really able to do and I shouldn't have done that. Like, at all. Like no, in terms of it's a complete No from me, sorry you didn't make it into the group stages, try again next year kind of No.
Quote from: lkdrymom on January 02, 2020, 06:40:32 AM
And here is another thought....next time he goes to the hospital for something minor....you don't HAVE TO visit.
I moved heaven and earth to get my father into AL quickly. Thankfully it was his idea. However he made moving him extremely difficult. I gave him little tasks I knew he could handle but always heard how he wasn't feeling well so didn't do them...then would offer to help me move a heavy piece of furniture. Or even better stand in my way while I was trying to move something. Anyway I was so proud of how nice his new place looked and couldn't wait for him to see it. I go and pick him up that morning and find that he fell in the parking lot the night before and scraped his face all up. He didn't even bother to try and clean himself up. I did what I could then brought him to AL. I looked like the worst daughter ever for not taking him to the ER for what would amount to needing a couple band aids. Next thing I know they called paramedics to take him to the local ER. He was in his glory being wheeled out in a stretcher. At that point I just burst into tears and walked away. I didn't have it in me to sit in the hospital for 6 hours getting dirty looks from the hospital staff who couldn't understand why I wasn't giving up my life for such a sweet old man.....who quite frankly sucked as a parent. That was the day I was completely done with hospital visits. I visit only if he needs to go to rehab and needs me to fetch clothes for him. When he has a stroke or heart attack I will go....but runs to the ER for falls, constipation or belly aches do not warrant me missing work.
Oh I've had that- its terrible. I've had Nursing staff call me from the hospital and don't understand why I won't take him to my house for a few days. NO WAY!
Yeh I used to go running to his hospital visits. No more will I do that. I'd visit then he'd lay it on REALLY THICK. How hes STUCK HERE AND I'D HAVE TO MAKE A BIG EFFORT TO VISIT EACH DAY. GO ON DO IT FOR ME! I NEED YOU TO VISIT.
I'd drive straight from work. He'd moan I hadn't got there for the start of visiting at 4pm (umm I'm in work). I SHOULD TELL MY BOSS ITS URGENT. Id end up getting home at like 9-10pm. My son would be in bed so I wouldnt see him. Repeat next day.
Now I'll just phone the ward and tell them to tell him I'm not coming. Hospital is the only time he EVER uses the mobile/cell I bought him. He'll ring me to summon me but he just turns phone on, makes a call then turns it off again. (Crazy eh?). So I'll just ignore. And I can't call back.
p123 eek eerily similar. My dad does the same/ uses the cell phone only from his hospital bed!
Ikdrymom how awful for you, I do feel for you over the face scraping
- it reminded me when my dad deliberately tried to worsen some symptoms in order to get out of attending a family funeral and to also have the spotlight shone on him.
PD s :roll: eh?
It seems that even the dead can't have their day.
The narcs want that too!
I'm just so sorry your dad did that to you. It's unbelievable. I think the AL probably didn't think he needed hospital either but had to cover themselves - so you probably had some quiet sympathy from them.x
Quote from: nanotech on January 02, 2020, 07:58:53 PM
p123 eek eerily similar. My dad does the same/ uses the cell phone only from his hospital bed!
Ikdrymom how awful for you, I do feel for you over the face scraping
- it reminded me when my dad deliberately tried to worsen some symptoms in order to get out of attending a family funeral and to also have the spotlight shone on him.
PD s :roll: eh?
It seems that even the dead can't have their day.
The narcs want that too!
I'm just so sorry your dad did that to you. It's unbelievable. I think the AL probably didn't think he needed hospital either but had to cover themselves - so you probably had some quiet sympathy from them.x
Yep bought him a phone. Never uses it. Why should he care if I cant contact him - he doesn't want anything so why does he care?
He takes the phone to hospital. Take it out of the box, uses it, then puts it back. Got idea in his head that phones are banned. I even told him leave it on vibrate.
I remember once him saying "get hold of you're brother I cant get hold of him". Of course, he'd phone, no answer, leave a message, turn phone off. How on earth he thought that worked I'll never know?
Then again until recently, he used to unplug every single electrical item in the house (apart from fridge) before he went out. In case they caught fire! In the days of VCRs he had to reset the time EVERY TIME. Nuts. Thats Dad for you - I was with him once and walking back down his street. A fire engine went past. Dad started running because "IT MIGHT BE MY FLAT ON FIRE!"
OMG my parents were like this about electrics when I was a child and teenager!
We had one TV ( most people did then) but as a teen I could never stay up and watch a late film because I wasn't trusted to unplug the TV when I came to bed!
I couldn't make toast or anything like that at night. My home was so regimented it was untrue. We had no Christmas lights- too dangerous, those things!
We visited once as young marrieds and we slept on the sofa bed downstairs. They'd actually gone to bed and left us together (we were married now so this was new!)
We'd had a late night cuppa. Mum got up and shouted at us for leaving the kettle plug in. It was the catastrophising that really stung.
'Nano! We could have all been burnt to the ground!'
In front of my new husband, who just looked confused!
It occurs to me that if they had trusted me to pull out plugs when younger and let me do it when I was in my own and in charge, then I would been in the habit
As soon as I moved out, and lived as a student, it wasn't something I had copied. (It crept back up on me later, but that's another story) .
Read the book, 'Toxic Parents' There's lots in there about narcissists, and how safety fixations are a form of coercive control.
Interestingly, when Goldenchild UNPDbrother came along and grew up, he was allowed to record on his VCR in his room way way WAY into the early hours of the morning! That was FINE! I found this out and I was incredulous - after all of the preaching I got about plugs n sockets year upon year UPON YEAR.
It's not coming from a rational place.
p123, just tell him he really needs adult diapers if he wants you to take him anywhere, and that if he needs that much help to walk a short distance he really should be in AL. Because you can't carry him with your bad back and he has such difficulty walking on his own. It's high time his lies and performances got used against him. Bring it up (both the adult diapers and the AL) he any time he asks you to take him out.
Quote from: nanotech on January 03, 2020, 08:37:35 PM
OMG my parents were like this about electrics when I was a child and teenager!
We had one TV ( most people did then) but as a teen I could never stay up and watch a late film because I wasn't trusted to unplug the TV when I came to bed!
I couldn't make toast or anything like that at night. My home was so regimented it was untrue. We had no Christmas lights- too dangerous, those things!
We visited once as young marrieds and we slept on the sofa bed downstairs. They'd actually gone to bed and left us together (we were married now so this was new!)
We'd had a late night cuppa. Mum got up and shouted at us for leaving the kettle plug in. It was the catastrophising that really stung.
'Nano! We could have all been burnt to the ground!'
In front of my new husband, who just looked confused!
It occurs to me that if they had trusted me to pull out plugs when younger and let me do it when I was in my own and in charge, then I would been in the habit
As soon as I moved out, and lived as a student, it wasn't something I had copied. (It crept back up on me later, but that's another story) .
Read the book, 'Toxic Parents' There's lots in there about narcissists, and how safety fixations are a form of coercive control.
Interestingly, when Goldenchild UNPDbrother came along and grew up, he was allowed to record on his VCR in his room way way WAY into the early hours of the morning! That was FINE! I found this out and I was incredulous - after all of the preaching I got about plugs n sockets year upon year UPON YEAR.
It's not coming from a rational place.
Nano - I remember saying so "what about the fridge/freezer Dad" #confusion
I'll have to get that book!
Quote from: qcdlvl on January 03, 2020, 08:47:26 PM
p123, just tell him he really needs adult diapers if he wants you to take him anywhere, and that if he needs that much help to walk a short distance he really should be in AL. Because you can't carry him with your bad back and he has such difficulty walking on his own. It's high time his lies and performances got used against him. Bring it up (both the adult diapers and the AL) he any time he asks you to take him out.
Yes hes banned from my car at the moment. Refuses to buy them - too expensive.
I know what will happen. He'll have an accident and then offer me £20 to get it cleaned up.....
Well, Dad has a new approach it seems too....
EVERY SINGLE conversation goes like this now.
"Hi - how is everyone?" _ He NEVER asked before and now he does every single time. I think hes worked out he probably should ask to keep me onside.
"Hows your back?" - EVERY SINGLE TIME. There is no need to ask me 3 times a week. I know full well this is the initial question to ascertain that I'm fit to serve him.
Then I'll get 5 minutes about how many hours my brother has been working . I don't care. No idea why he does this?
Then 5 minutes about how ill he is. How bad his knees are etc? I know refuse to get drawn into discussions about medication. He currently takes half the dose of painkillers prescribed by his doctor (because "he doesnt want to get addicted") so it can't be that bad. Do what you want.
Then, eventually, it'll come around to visit at the weekend.
"What are you doing sunday?" (here we go!)
"I've got no food in the house, so I need someone to go to the shop for me" (I know full well he has got food and also know full well brother will there between now and sunday anyway)/.
"I really HOPE you can make it" (In other words, its an emergency and I'll be so disappointed and you'll be such a bad son if you don't)
"I know you're busy but if you could spare me 20 minutes" (Yeh you don't care really, and 20 minutes? It takes me over 30 minutes just to drive there!)
Usually then at the end of the conversation I'll say "Bye" and he'll repeat (just in case I didn't get it first time) "So HOPE you'll be here sunday!"
EVERY SINGLE TIME last few weeks. To be honest, makes me less inclined to visit. Its my wifes birthday Sunday, I'd rather not commit to be honest.
Its hard to explain, I would visit my Dad, I'd do his shopping too when I've got time. Its just this set in stone thing. I've GOT to visit come hell or high water......