This really reminds me of a toddler digging in their heels in a tantrum, refusing to do something. Though my w is not throwing tantrums, the inner disposition seems the same.
Now that she has been in therapy(on paper only), it seems like she expects me to do the inner work for her. There is this strange disconnect where she seems incapable of really seeing her behaviors and owning them. She has said repeatedly, "give me specific examples of how I treat you poorly", etc. If I give examples they either get deflected or they just don't sink in. It's almost like she feels entitled to abusive behaviors, could care less about how I feel(no empathy), and doesn't see a need to change, even after ice spelled out how these behaviors are sabotaging, trust destroying and push me away.
She implies that because I won't go to couples counseling with her anymore that I'm not doing my part. When I terminated couples unexplained that I don't feel safe being vulnerable, working on our relationship, if I am going to be attacked or have my statements weaponized against me. What she isn't able to see is that she's disregarding my boundary entirely and is trying to force me through shaming me to erode my boundary and do her will.
In the end, she'll either have to face her own dysfunction and begin to have a reciprocal relationship where trust can build or she'll leave because she's unwilling to take responsibility for her behaviors.
Last night she seemed to hit a roadblock and refused to take responsibility for her side and wanted to separate. I encouraged her to stay, own her behaviors, and work on this with her therapist.
To me, owning the behaviors is really key and it's one of the hardest things for PDs to do. The handful of dPDs I've known and been able to have a successful relationship with - they force themselves to own up to their own bad behavior. (Honestly, it's probably an important part of healthy relationships for non-PDs too). I'm sorry you're in this position - it must be hard to hear her say she's trying to "fix" things without actually doing any of the hard work of fixing them.
Quote from: rubixcubeIn the end, she'll either have to face her own dysfunction and begin to have a reciprocal relationship where trust can build or she'll leave because she's unwilling to take responsibility for her behaviors.
A healthy truth here. And at the same time very hard to hold up under the power struggles and oppositional behaviors. Strength and wisdom to you as you move through this stand off of sorts.